<small>[ March 28, 2004, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: marriedandlonely ]</small>

Question for thought...
You said, "A few weeks ago I told him I was done..emotionally checked out of the marriage."

and you are wondering,
"The longer we go without fixing this marriage".

Why SHOULD he fix anything if it's done?

Oops...double post

<small>[ January 28, 2004, 11:39 AM: Message edited by: marriedandlonely ]</small>

<small>[ March 28, 2004, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: marriedandlonely ]</small>

It's not like I just one day sprung up with a new line..."Oh honey, I'm emotionally done"

That is what you said you did.

My point is if you told him you are done, why should he do anything?
Are you really done? Or were you just trying to get him to do something?
I understand it has probably been going on for some time. If your tired of no respoinse form him, tell him that. DOn't tell him "I'm done" when you're not.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Trading can become an addiction. Sitting there at the "home stock trading computer" from 6AM to 1PM is addictive and takes up lots of time per day.

So treat it as such. An addiction that he may not even know he has. Go to AlAnon meetings to learn how to handle addictions.

Then maybe you will be able to deal with his addiction from a new point of view.

As with any adddiction, it is hard to have a marriage if one person will not give up the addiction.

I'm just curious...

What is it about his investing habits that bothers you? Does he lose money left and right? Does it take too much time away from your marriage? Just curious.

<small>[ March 28, 2004, 04:35 PM: Message edited by: marriedandlonely ]</small>

Hi Married,

Just my two bits...
But first, the disclaimer.

I'm not an investment advisor.
I'm not a marriage counselor.

OK, now for the advise and counsel.

First, I think he is spending way to much time on such small investments. A person who spends 5 hours a day "investing" a measly $25K is wasting his time. Last year, I made about a 50% return in the stock market (making more than twice my earned salary) - with less than 100 trades. "Buy and hold" is not my mantra, but I rarely keep a stock more than 6 months nor less than 3 weeks. I pick a sell point when I buy, put in the sell "limit" order and let it ride. Sometimes I have to adjust my sell points, but overall, it doesn't take constant fiddling.

Second, about the marriage issues. He regards you as negative. Here's something I picked up from the DivorseBusting book: There is often a balancing effect in a marriage. If one partner is extremely optimistic, the other will become pesimistic to balance it. If one is very responsible, the other will tend to let things slide. If one pulls in one direction, the other will pull in the opposite direction. It doesn't matter why, it just happens that way. If you start pushing him in the direction he wants to go, he might lose interest in going that way - or start to look for reasons why it might not be the best way. So, hassling him all the time about the stock trading is only going to make him resent you - and look for ways to sneak it in. You've made your point. Let it ride. If you have to protect yourself financially, do that. If he's neglecting his responsibilities because he's spending too much time trading, start talking about hiring somebody to do all the stuff he's supposed to do and never has time for. If you're lonely, find some things to do on your own. Do a 180.

Remember, I'm neither a marriage counselor nor an investement advisor. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-AD

oh, and one more thing...

POJA requires enthusiastic agreement. He's going back on his agreements because he was never enthusiastic about them. If you push him into "agreements" (more like consessions), he will always resent it and often will not keep the agreement. Keep talking until he actually agrees - not simply folds under the constant stream of your badgering.

-AD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A person who spends 5 hours a day "investing" a measly $25K is wasting his time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is way more that 5 hours a day. And, $25,000 is hardly measly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> hassling him all the time about the stock trading is only going to make him resent you </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't hassle him about it. I gave that up long ago. I have tried all approaches to it and it has not changed anything. I have just begun to hold my tongue about it and not engage in any conversation involving trading. However, that is not healthy for me but I have not found anyone to really talk to about this that understands it. Even a counselor told me most women would love to have a husband that stayed home all day with them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Yeah, and was glued to the computer from 5 am to 2 pm and then layed on the couch until supper time and then went to bed. Hubba hubba, can't wait to go fill his need for SF. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Does that make any sense?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If he's neglecting his responsibilities because he's spending too much time trading, start talking about hiring somebody to do all the stuff he's supposed to do and never has time for </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He would love that! However, I don't think we can afford it. And, I would be more inclined to hire someone to help me with all the things I can't get done.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If you're lonely, find some things to do on your own </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am watching a baby boy who brings a lot of joy to my world. He is just a doll. And H loves him too. We live in a very small town and stuff to do is hard to find. We have 1 movie theatre and a 3-lane bowling alley that is open friday and saturday for a few hours. I might try exercising at the physical therapy place.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> POJA requires enthusiastic agreement. He's going back on his agreements because he was never enthusiastic about them. If you push him into "agreements" (more like consessions), he will always resent it and often will not keep the agreement. Keep talking until he actually agrees - not simply folds under the constant stream of your badgering.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did not badger him to quit...I simply told him I can't take it anymore. I told him my view of it and how it makes me feel..like when he walks away from a conversation to check a stock. Or when he takes his lunch from the table where we are eating and goes to the computer. And doesn't come back. I want to cry.

I knew he wasn't enthusiastic about quitting and I wasn't surprised he started it again. Remember, I've done the addiction game before. I know the routine. I am finally deciding it will not change and I am preparing myself mentally to be without him. And I told him as much...I can not do this anymore.

So, he and I are each going to talk to SH next week and maybe have a better understanding of the problem. Is it in my head? We'll find out. I have already talked to SH about it so I have a pretty good idea. H has not talked to SH about it so maybe I will learn something I didn't know before about "why" he trades.

Thanks for your reply!!