Well it's been a year in one week since my wife had an affair. It was one week before our 20th wedding anniversary. We have worked through the whole thing pretty well. We are still going to counseling and get along well.
The thing is I have slowly been loosing attraction to my wife. I don't have much of a sex drive anyway and this doesn't help things. I still love her but I don't feel the same about her when it comes to being intimate.
I am not happy and I am having some problems with depression. I really don't know what to do.

D-Day anniversaries are tough. Really tough so give yourself a break. You're doing well. I struggled during the period running up to the D-Day anniversary to desire my FWH, and we had a bad experience of SF during which I had some sort of panic attack, so we had to take step back for a while (a few weeks) whilst we dealt with the emotions of the anniversary.

We were still sexual with each other but stopped short of "full" sex for a while. This took the pressure off but still allowed us to be close and be intimate. We're now 3 months past our D-Day 1 year anniversary and things are going incredibly well in all departments so you can get through this tough period.

That said, I do encourage you to see your Dr about the depression you mention. You may need some AD's to help you through this, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The depression will definitely not be helping you when it comes to desire so just by addressing this alone you may find things improve.

Keep coming here for support. We all understand where you're at and take care.

Hi nxs,

I'm sorry to hear that you are still having a bad time with these images and feelings. I have had the same experience and I know how debilitating it is.

You would be better to revive your first thread each time you come back to the board, as it contains the basic details of the affair and shows the advice you have already received.

In your first thread you were told that your wife must not work with OM any more. MelodyLane cut and pasted advice from Dr Harley describing why working together is not viable and why complete non-contact is imperative. You seemed not to accept this advice (in fact you described it as "hounding" you), partly because it contradicted what you had read elsewhere.

In your second thread, where you raised the same problem of memories, thoughts and triggers, you wrote

The problem with non-Harley post-affair advice is that the theorists do not show how their advice has worked for their clients. I have not read Gunzburg (sp?), but does he show long-term success with a FWS who continues to work with the affair partner?

Dr Harley explains that he has seen recovery fail many times because of continued working together. He uses his experiences to explain why complete NC is a prerequisite for beginning recovery. The betrayed spouse is triggered every time the FWS goes to work.

The BS has only the FWS's word that there is no contact at work, and that any contact is hostile. The problem with this is that the BS relied on the FWS's word - the marriage vows - once before and that spoken promise turned out to be unreliable. No wonder the BS feels insecure and unhappy if a spoken promise is again all they have.

The FWS has to demonstrate extraordinary protection of the BS, and prove her trustworthy behaviour, by going out of her way to show that she is protecting the marriage from another attack. Your wife is not doing that by continuing to work with OM, and that is a major reason why your thoughts are as you describe.

This problem will continue to exist as long as your wife and OM work at the same place. You might not feel that you can do anything to change that situation in this financial climate, but as long as it exists, so will the essential problem.

The other issue raised on previous threads was contacting OMW. You said that your wife had told you that his wife found out and was filing for divorce. Did you ever verify this with her? You were strongly warned against accepting your wife's word on anything relating to the ending of the affair. If you have not contacted OMW and found out what she knows about the affair, and the status of her marriage, you have not taken a basic step that could give you greater security in your own marriage.

If OMW does not know about this affair she can hardly take steps to end it herself. When she finds out about it, rather than filing for divorce she might insist that her H leaves his job. She might help you solve the problem of daily contact.

Do your wife and OM still work for the same employer, and have you ever spoken to OMW?

Recovery takes two to five years. You have at least 51 more weeks to go.

Is there now less SF then before the affair?

Was you WW receptive to SF pre affair, did she want more then she was getting?

Did your WW cut you off or reduce the SF with you during the affair?

Does your WW want more SF from you post affair then you have been giving, is she complaining?

Did WW initiate before affair?

Is WW initiating after the affair?

After an affair people can have hysterical bonding or lose interest in SF with their spouse. Both responses are normal. With time and effort things can come back to normal.

One thing to key on is not to have a date, dinning out, or any other quality time outing to have to end with SF. No reason to pressure something that does not feel right.

Better to use these times to create new good memories and new good feelings. These things should help restore the desire for SF.

Is there anything that has recovering stalled?

I don't remember your story. Does you or your WW work or live close to the OM?

What is go you bothered?

My advice...

Take care of yourself. Address your depression, and also address your low libido. They may be connected. If you have low hormone levels that may lead to both depression and low libido. Not everything that happens to you is because of her A.

I will say that the one year anniversary seems to be a big hurdle for most BS. It seems to occur pretty regularly around here as well as the 6 month anger that many BS' show.

Take good care of yourself. You have been through a very very stressful situation for a long time, it may well have affected you physically, get it checked out.

God Bless,

JL

Sugarcane
I finally insisted that my wife quit about 6 months ago. There has been know contact since then. The OM told his wife before my wife told me. She divorced him, and hooked up with another women right away. They must of had some serious problems in there marriage.
The feelings I am having now are a little different. Where before shortly after I found out, and we got back together I felt like I really needed her, and was physicaly attracted. Also my libido made a sudden rebound. These feelings lasted for a little while. Now it has dwindled back down to nothing again. I know a lot of it is due to the depression I am having. I started Lexapro 2 months ago and it seemed to help a little at first. I don't feel that it is really working though. I have a appointment with the med Dr tomorrow, and I am going to talk to her about it.
I hope this is something I can work through, and the physical atraction comes back around. It seems like evey time I make it through one hurdle, another one comes up.

Thanks nxs

nxs,

Try as many anti-D's as necessary. They all affect people differently. You may need a different one, but also consider that you may have some other issues that anti-D's cannot address, such as low hormones of some sort or another, testosterone (sp?) might be one of them.

JL

For about 1 1/2 years before the affair my wife was messed up on a bunch of meds that Doctors had her on. She was abusing them and it got so bad that I finally kicked her out. She stopped all of them and we got back together. We wasn't close while she was on them, and after she got off of them I had a lot of resentments towards her for doing what she did. We never put things back together and with in 9 months she started having the affair. I had also made a trip to Vegas during that time and made the mistake of hooking up with a dancer for a HJ. That is something that I never thought I would ever do. I had quite a bit to drink, but it was still know excuse for what I did.
Prior to all of this we have been very close. We had a good sex life and we could talk about anything. We have raised 2 good kids. Our son 18 that is getting ready to join the Air Force, and a Daughter that has just received a full scholarship for college. We have been through some hard times but nothing like the last three years.

Thanks for the support. God Bless to you to!

That sounds very similar to my situation. I'm about 4.5 years out from DD BTW. I started feeling that way about 6 months ago. I think I just got tired of it all.

What do you mean by it all. Was you still having problems?

Well it's going on two years now and things are still the same as far as thinking about our anniversary. It is just to close to the anniversary of the affair ( 1 week ) Every time I start to think about doing something for our anniversary It triggrs all the pain, betrayal, memories ect.

I talked to my wife about this last year and she said that she understood. I could tell she was dissapointed though. I have not said anything to her yet this year. The triggers are just as bad as last year. I just have to keep from thinking about it so I don't get upset. I need to talk to her about it but I know she will take it hard. I really think that she beleives I am just not letting things go. It is not the case at all. I wish I could wash my mind of the whole thing.

Things have'nt been going as good as they could be neither. My son is gone now in the Army which bothers my wife. My daughter started College. We have not been very close. Very limited SF maybe once a month. We are just never in the mood and I still have a lot o attraction problems with my wife because of the PA, and other things. She has not been in the mood neither. She claims it is do to all the other things going on.

I still have some really bad days and question if things are ever going to get better. For now I am just giving it some more time. But God I can't beleive it has been two years allready!

I went back to your first post. There you were seeing a counselor. Are you still?

I think maybe another shot at a new counselor would help.