My husband and I have been married for 15 years and we have a daughter who is 14. I just discovered almost a month ago that he has been seeing a woman for at least 6 years. When I discover the affair I was so hurt and immediately he was very remorseful. I put him out. He begged me for days to let him make it up to me. I told him we would start to date all over again. We did for a few weekends. I let him come back home. He was very attentive and constantly apologizing "saying I didn't deserve how he hurt me". I was going to try and work it out. I felt anger and when I did after a few weeks of him being home I called the woman. She told me that after I found out my husband and her talked. She said she was going to leave him alone but he begged her not to go. She told me when I put him out he spent one night at her house and that they had talked on the phone everyday for the past week in a half after I found out. Keep in mind during this time he's telling me how sorry he is and that he would make it up to me. When this woman and I got off the phone (by the way, my husband knew we were on the phone talking and he was constantly calling her and texting her to stop her from talking to me) When He and finally talked that day I was so upset. I wouldn't let him come to the house. We met in a parking lot. I was truly shaken and devestated. He was visibily upset and I told him it was over. I told him to get everything he is going to get and move out of our right away. He sobbed and told me how sorry he was again and that so many times he wanted to end the relationship but somehow he kept going back. I told him well now is your opportunity to give you and her a chance because I'm out. He stated that he does not want her that he wants me. I still said no. He said he would do whatever it takes even counseling and I said no. I went home feeling very horrible. I didn't want to talk to him or see him. He called me all through the night begging to see me or come home. I still said no. the next morning my eyes where to swollen to go to work. I took our daughter to school and came back home. when I got there he was there. He begged me all day long and I still refused. I told him it was over. He told me he now realizes he does love me and not her and that he never loved her but thought he might have. He stated that he was sorry to say but he was glad I found out and I was looking at him like "are you serious?" very angry. He said yes because it lifted a huge weight off of him and that he has been a good husband in all aspects but for some reason he just couldn't get that right. I still put him out. He was gone and called everyday and told me how deeply he hurt me and that he could never forgive himself and from this point on if I give him another chance he would be totally committed to me in all ways. I finally let my husband come and see me. we ate breakfast, talked, made love and I went to a dr. appointment. when I came back I was going to go to work and he and I talked some more. My cell phone rang and to my surprise it was this woman. My husband was standing right there. She was crying and appologized to me and told me that my husband sent her a text message saying that he was ending their relationship and that he loved his family and that he wanted to come back home. He appologized to her for her hurt but it was over. She said she built her world around him and I told her I'm sorry for your pain. We are all hurt but my husband of 15 years was made for me and me for him and that she may have passed up her blessings of a man made for her by spending valuable time with my husband. At this time my husband was visibly upset and he asked me for the phone. He asked her what are you doing calling my wife? I told you she did want to hear from you. She was screaming and yelling at him and he told her I understand but you can't contact her anymore. I took the phone back and I told her again, I'm sorry for your pain but God has a funny way of working things out. My husband is living in his own punishment too. Unfortunately, so am I. We hung up. My husband was crying visibly shaken and again apologized to me. Again he said "I know this sounds crazy but one good thing that came out of it is now you know that I did break it off".

We are now back together but I don't know where to go from here. our home feels sad but we want it to work. Our daughter is devastated. Our history: my husband I were blessed on 3 occassions by God. First was the birth of daughter who was invitro and there was only a 30 percent chance, 2nd: was a roll over accident with all three of us in the car when our daughter was 9 months. Everything came out of the car except for us. Our child had a small scratch on her nose. 3rd. my husband was dianosed with kidney disease in 2008. He was on dialysis for almost a year. He is an only child, his dad passed when he was 13 and his mom was not a match. By the grace of God I was an exact match. We even had a rarity, we had 2 cromazones that were exact (we thought we might of been related.lol) I gave him a kidney in May of 2009. I guess this is why I'm so hurt because I feel like this woman has been her in my life through all of this. Where do I go from here?

Sorry you are here and welcome to Marriage Builders.

I don't know how much of this site you have read, but here is a thread to help guide people through the information on this site.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Has your husband moved back home? How did your WH(wayward husband) meet OW(other woman)? Was this the first marriage for both of you? Do you have any snooping techniques that you are currently using? Does your WH know about this site?

Also, is OW married? Who all knows about your WH's affair?

Yes. My husband is back home. I just feel so betrayed.

They met on the internet. This is my second marriage and his first. My husband does not know about this site.

Hello Jay,

I read where "we" want it to work.

Are you willing to do the work to make it happen?

Scotland has started you on the right track. Read EVERYTHING on the site.

DO NOT BRING YOUR HUSBAND HERE YET!

Some things have to be in place before you share the site with him.

Since you are at the beginning stage it is advisable to run what you plan to do by the folks here FIRST before you implement it.

People here are great about helping you. Be absolutely honest and learn everything you can.

Get busy.

God bless.

Jim

The ow was married. Her husband died in 2006. She told me her husband found out about her and my husband. Family and certain friends know about the affair now

Thank you Jim. The reason I posted my story is because I read things on this site. The 4 stages, making deposits and all the other things. It was like he was talking directly to me. My husband is not aware of this site. I could sure use all the help in the world. I'm so hurt.

You need to expose this affair far and wide. Including your daughter. Even OW's friends and family should be told. How did your other marriage end?

You shouldn't tell your husband about this site, yet. Just wanted to know what he knew. Sometimes as a BS, we feel like this place is awesome and we want to share it with them.

So I assume that since your WH began his affair online you have installed a keylogger? Also, how far away does OW live?

Hi Scotland.. Our daughter knows and she is very devastated. She views her father differently. She almost hates him and hates that he's back. My first marriage ended with years of him cheating and me finally cheating on him and I wasn't in love anymore. We were very young. We started dating at 15 yrs old and married at 20 yrs old. we divorced in 3 yrs.

The ow lives about 20 minutes from our home and I did not install a keylogger on his laptop. I'm going to ask him to change his cell phone number because if he is really sincere he will do whatever it takes to ease my mind. Scotland I'm so destroyed on the inside. I look award this place now and wonder what the two of them have done that was similiar to us. He was living a double life.

Of course he was. He was living a disgusting second secret life and it is going to be hard for him to break away from it so easily. That is why it is important for you to devise a plan for recovery and set that bar HIGH for your WH.

At a minimum, you should tell him that he needs to change his cell phone number, his email addresses, send a NC letter to OW and give it to you for your approval and YOU will send it. You may need to change your home number. He is going to need to tell you everything about the affair. Since he met her online(was it a game or chat btw?), you will install a keylogger and keep track of everything he does. You should get a GPS and VAR for the car, because he may be contacting her there. He could even get an affair phone. This affair may just be going further underground. Your WH needs to agree to NC with this woman FOR LIFE.

Waywards LIE. You will look more closely at his ACTIONS than his words. If he is truly willing to end it with OW, he will be willing to do anything you ask of him. Could you get on the phone with the Harleys for some phone counseling? Have you bought Surviving an Affair(SAA)? If not, you should.

This will be quite a long haul for you to go through.

Your wayward spouse is well practised at his double life due to the length of time he has led it.

Definitely do read up on plan A and plan B and do the very best plan A you can and prepare to perhaps go to the plan B.

Also, you really should get coaching from the Harleys on how to proceed. I really figure you will eventually need to move far away from your home. The OW in your life lives close and the the affair has taken place for a long time.

I am a big believer that even long time affairs can be broke up and marriages can be saved and rebuilt but the plan must be well followed and you must be more patient than most betrayed spouses even though you are suffering and have more to resentment to resolve over the situation than many.

I disagree that you need to expose far and wide.
The affair is over. That would be something you do if he resumes contact.

Now is time to start rebuilding. Can you councel with the Harley's? Can you go to a Marriage Builders weekend? That will give you the best chance for creating a strong marriage.

Also he needs to be completely tranparent. You need to be able to verify and see for yourself that he has absolutely no further contact with her.

Lexie I believe you are right. I have to start trying to rebuild and have be transparent. I've made a list of the things that he will need to do to start gaining my trust again. Show me all e-mail accounts, change cell phone number, show me the statement each month, give me all passwords and so forth. He needs to do a lot. The affair has taken place for a long time. He offerred for us to move away if I wanted too and he said he would do whatever it took to prove to me that it was over. the ow told me about his last contact with her and that he broke it off with her. She said that she had been trying to contact him but he won't answer calls or texts.

exposure is not only to ruin the relationship with the OP it is so that the WS can see the reality on what they have done, and deal with the consequences. They need to have that responsibility if they never get that and they hide the affair from family and friends they WILL do it again.

P.S the first step in recovering a marriage with infidelity is to expose, that is far the most important step, with out it then your marriage is not safe.

You need to get the book surviving and affair!! I have read so many books and gone on so many other sites and this is the best by far!! I understand your pain though like you i found out that my husband was having an affair in may of this year!! I was devasted too!! It is like someone has taken the life out of you!! I wonder all of the time if he is thinking of her when we are together and what kind of things they did together!! I just ask my husband what they did and on some days he tells me and on others he says i don't want to hurt you any more!! Just stay strong and try your best to work it out if you can!! I'll be praying for you and this is the best site you could come to for advice!!

Hi jay, and welcome to MB. Sorry you've had to find your way here, but you've come to the right place. We've got a lot of posters who have (sadly) been where you are, and are ready to help.

Couple of things: NC (no contact) has to be firmly in place. That applies to ALL of you. If/when the OW calls you, tell her that she is to never contact you or any other member of your family again.

Next, understand that your entire reality for the last six years is now unclear. You will be spending a lot of time rebuilding that to fit with your current reality. If you have questions for your WH, do not hesitate to ask them. And he needs to give you every tidbit of info you require. Your WH needs to put on his big boy pants now. It's no longer about him and the OW. It's all about YOU, now. Don't feel like you're invading his 'privacy' by asking about his A. That's not privacy. It's secrecy, and secrecy has no place in marriage. (Unless it's a birthday or Christmas present. That one can slide.

As far as exposure goes: Exposure is intended to kill an affair. It sounds like the A is killed, at least on your H's side (and he still has to continue to prove that to your satisfaction.) However, it sounds like the OW doesn't want to go quietly away. Since that is the case, you may need to expose to stop her contact with you. If she contacts you after you tell her to drop dead, you'll need to expose to people in her circle who can/may encourage her to leave your family alone. Find out who these people are from your WH - get parent names, co-worker/employer names, anyone you can get who are important figures in her life. He doesn't need to know why you want them. Again, he needs to supply you with anything you need. Get names. We'll help you with exposure if that needs to happen. Just start collecting info.

Finally, read everything here. Share the articles with your WH. I don't know that you need to let him know you are posting right now. Just introduce him to the concepts and let him see the website.

Lots to absorb, jay, I know. But it will all make sense to you as you keep reading.

Hi Jay and welcome, I hope you find some peace just being here and knowing you are not alone and what you are feeling is very normal and a place many of us have been before you.......
This is a long difficult road, NO CONTACT now is the most important part, she will continue to try to contact him and might stumble but you have to have access to all his ways of contacting her, change his cell #, block her on the comp......put a GPS in his car, use a voice recorder a key logger on the comp......
You have to be sure that he is telling you the truth now........
In the mean time you talk and make sure you stay calm and respectful......try to understand where the marriage was at and how this could have happened.......get him to open up so he can realize how to stop himself from ever getting to that place in his mind again........
Read some marriage repair books and self awareness books together, go to your paster or a marriage therapist to work through the feelings you both will have....
Remember he is in Affair fog and probably will be going through withdrawal, he won't speak the right way and will say things that make you shake your head in disbelief........all part of the process......
good luck and stay stong.....

You know I hear all you guys are saying. Eventhough he's changing his cell phone number and back home I feel like I can't get over it. There is a fog in our home now. Sadness and unconfrontable closeness. I'm thinking of starting to see someone else just so I can get rid of my feelings for this man. I know it sounds crazy but the emotions are too much for me to handle because the pain is over the top. Every waking day is filled with the thought of him and her. I feel robbed of my happiness and my life with him. I'm just lost.

TCP I feel exactly like you! The only difference is I'm thinking of seeing someone too take this pain away. I know it's wrong but I'm scared to love this man again and our home is full of sadness and uneasy. He's changing his cell phone number and all but I'm very wounded and I don't know if I can get through this. I wake up everyday and think of him and her. I see her face in my head and when I look at his body I know she touched him and when I look at his fingers/hands I know he's held her. I am a wreck right now but I'm also angry because they stole my life from me. I was happy and in love. I thought we were close and I thought our life was until we died. So many blessing came our way by God but I now realize my husband took me for granted and took away all my joy. Everything I think about in the past 5 to 6 years she was there. She was there when my mother died, she was there when my husband and I had the surgery for him to receive one of my kidney's. She was there.