Jay,

Do not make the grevious error of having your own affair. The feelings and emotions you are struggling with are completely normal and to be expected. This is probably the most traumatic event anyone can go through. But don't lower your standards by committing the same crime against your husband. It won't fix your pain and it will be a mistake you will regret the rest of your life.

You have to decide if you want to save this marriage or not. If you do, you will need to follow the advice given to you to a "T". No wavering, no second guessing.

If you decide you do not want to save your marriage, then you will need to start preparing for divorce and should not have a relationship until the divorce is final. No "re-bound" relationship during this time will be healthy or fruitful. You need to focus on YOU and your child and your emotional well being. You cannot do this if you are distracted by a relationship.

aBetterMe

Everything you are saying is true and I know this. I want it too work but I just don't know how it will. How do you recover from this? How do I get my confidence back? How do I get my self esteem back? When can I walk in my home again feel love and happiness throughout my family? Everything has been taken away from me. He is open to talking about anything I want too but I see in him sadness and I attribute that to him missing her and I told him that. He said I should not try to read his body language but to focus on myself and try to help us get through this. HOW? EVERYDAY I wake up with him and her on my brain. My work is suffering too.

You don't want to compound your pain by doing anything right now. What your mind is doing is bringing up different options to help you deal with your pain, and to protect you. In reality, do you think it would be healthy to have a revenge affair? No. Not to you, your WH, the OM you would choose - this is a lose/lose option.

jay, this is pretty early into recovery. You, my friend, have a long road ahead of you. I'm sorry I have to say that. I remember the early days of my recovery, and how bleak the landscape of my future looked, how painful my present reality was at the time. I hated waking up in the morning (after a sleepless, thought-filled night)knowing that I had to function and get through yet another day.

But it got better for me, every day. And it will for you, too. I wish I could fast-forward your existence for you to get past the hurt you will be feeling, but of course I can't do that. Time is the enemy right now, but it will soon become your friend. Trust me on that.
This tear in your marital fabric will never go away, but you can mend it and make it better. Hang in there, jay. Come here and we'll help you.

It is really critical that you get through this with a TRAINED GUIDE -- you need to counsel with the HARLEY'S who have EXPERIENCE in rebuilding marriages after an affair.

Please investigate the Marriage Builders Online Course -- you would then also have private access to Dr. Harley himself!

Maritalbliss you went through this too? Are you still with your husband? How did you get there? You are right I'm trying find ways to protect myself and eliminate the pain and I know starting to see someone else would only add to the confussion. I hope you are right about time because I need it to be my friend now. I'm tired of the thoughts and thinking about her and him.

Jay,

This is going to be a long process. At a minimum, two years if you choose to commit to fighting for your marriage.

Your self esteem is battered, you don't trust your husband and you don't know what to do. That's okay because you are in the best place possible to put a plan into place to end the affair and restore your marriage.

Your FIRST STEP is exposure. Everyone must know about your husband's affair. You cannot tell a person here or there over time. Everyone must know NOW. Affairs thrive on secrecy and there is no better way to kill them than by bringing them into the light. This is NOT about revenge. This is about destroying the fantasy they created and putting together a support team for YOU. You WH will probably be mad, furious even. You and your marriage can survive his anger, but you and your marriage cannot survive an active affair.

SECOND STEP: Your husband must commit to NO CONTACT with the OW. He must write a letter that you review and approve and you will mail it to her. Then she is not to contact him and he is not to contact her. If there is contact in anyway, he is to tell you IMMEDIATELY. EVERY SINGLE TIME there is contact, feelings can be rekindled and the affair may start again.

During all of this, you will "Plan A" your WH. This means eliminating Love Busters (LB's) and meeting his most important emtional needs (EN's). This will show your husband you are committed to loving him the way he needs to be loved and that the marriage is a better option than the affair. Please read all you can about Plan A on this website.

Scotland has created a thread for newly betrayed spouses:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240

Please read EVERYTHING here.

Please buy the book "Surviving an Affair" on this website. This is your Bible and road-map to getting through this mess your WH has created.

And again, I reiterate, many of the veterans here are going to give you some very excelent advice. You would be a fool not to follow it if you truly want to restore your marriage.

aBetterMe

abetterme, all the things you've outlined have been achieved. Our family and closes friends know, he sent her a text message that I saw and approved of, he is changing his cell phone number today and like I said early the ow called me crying and apologizing about MY husband. He was furious with her and told her not to call me again. I'm just lost in my home. Eventhough all this has taken place the pain stayed and like I said every waking morning is with him and her on my mind. I'm so scared to go back in because he has destroyed me. I love him but I love me too.

jay, yes, I'm a BS and I'm 20+ months into recovery with a FWH who has earned his F. Your WH sounds truly remorseful, and that's huge. I think the two of you will be okay if you go about your healing in the right way. Read and implement the concepts on this site. I believe Dr. H's concepts should be required reading for anyone considering marriage. There will be a lot of things you'll read that are duh! common sense that married people never even thought about. This site is a God-send and it will help you.

The posters on here are an invaluable tool, as well. You have joined a very special community. (Now, you guys, don't start thinking you're all that! )

Jay,

Everyone must know, not just family and close friends. All friends, co-workers, her friends and family and co-workers. Facebook is very good for exposure.

A text message is nice but insufficient. A letter must be written and sent. There's a reason why people say to "put it in writing". It solidifies agreements and emphasises a committment. This a mental exercise as much as it is a practicle one.

You need to read about Extraordinary Precautions. So far your WH is beginning to put these into place by changing his phone number & giving you access to all passwords. But you both need to put together a list of things he must provide and do to ensure you can trust what he says and what he does going foward. This may mean calling you every few hours to check in or installing a key-logger on his work and home computer. These are guidelines you must both decide on.

Of course you are in pain and you will find sympathy and empathy from everyone here, but you must READ READ READ. What have you read on this site so far?

aBetterMe

HI Jay, Sorry you are here. I'm a newbie here. It's only been 2 months since I discovered my husband's affair, but let me tell you that in this short time it's gotten so much better. My H has been remorseful since day one, and it sounds like your H is too.

Listen to the advice the more seasoned veterans on here give you, but I just wanted you to know that even in such a short period of time it does get better if you are both committed to giving each other the best marriage you both deserve, based on the principles here at marriage builders.

Hang in there. You are not alone.

I'm hoping it will get better. I just have to make the decision to forgive and really move forward. At this point my thinking is all out of whack.

Actually I've read quit a bit and that is why I joined the forum. It was like reading my life and situation. The four step plan, making deposits, love busters, etc.. Every emotion described and some of the stories told were exactly what was going on with us.

Picking hearing you talk so positive after only 2 months gives me hope. I will say this I know with a doubt in my body that my husband truly loves me but I guess that's what makes it feel the worst. How could he risk our life together like this. I know the key to our success is also forgiveness because regardless of what steps I take if I don't forgive him nothing will work.

As a BS, I can tell you one of the first things that gave me the strength to move forward toward recovery, before I even stumbled upon MB, was to realize that no matter what happened, I will be OK.

I've recovered my confidence in a huge way. The depression that hit me after D-Day #1 caused an unhealthy weight loss. I resolved to maintain that weight loss in a healthy manner. I eat smartly; no diet, no restrictions - just healthier and/or smaller choices. Drink more water. I try to exercise.

I take better care of my hygiene. In fact, I've gotten kind of vain. I'm smart, I'm sexy, and I am worthy of the love and admiration of whomever I chose. Though she betrayed me, I choose my FWW.

This new found and/or restored confidence does not just directly benefit me, it has caused FWW's attraction to me to amplify, and gives her a new appreciation for the fact that I am choosing to stay and put the work in.

You can turn this into an RC opportunity; work together to develop healthy eating habits. Research healthy recipes, shop, and cook TOGETHER. Start some activities together that will provide exercise and promote health.

Not to mention, improving health through diet and exercise can really supercharge your SF.

Don't make the mistake of dwelling on forgiveness. He has to earn that through just compensation. This is why you will want to be forgiving, even when you can't feel forgiving.

Make sense?

Headheldhigh, I've dropped at least 10 pounds since I found out. I know it's not healthy but gosh your story sounds so positive.

My WH knows that, although things are getting better for us, I have not forgiven him yet. We are working together to make sure this never happens again, and that we have a strong marriage. Keep doing what's best for you. You WILL get through this, hopefully with a stronger, better marriage.

I HAVE to be. I was at a very low point in my life, and the icing on the cake was that my W had an A. She was all that I felt I had left, and she failed me. That means I started this all with NOTHING. And the first thing I had to recover was MYSELF.

It wasn't easy. I came upon MB looking, searching, begging for something to help me cope with my loss. It has helped TONS. Nothing is perfect, but this is the best, most positive approach I have found in months of searching.

Dr. Harley disagrees. His statement isn't "minimum" two years... it's "TYPICALLY" two years once both spouses are on-board with following the program (and withdrawal is over). He refuses to treat couples that won't meet the minimum 15+ hours per week of undivided attention time within a session or two. He also recommends 15+ hours of time spent together as a family per week.

I really disagree with the "two to five years" bandied about here on the forum. If the two of you get your act together and both get on with MarriageBuilding, following the program as outlined in Dr. Harley's books, two years later is when you're typically in love again and trust one another. You may have bad moments for the rest of your life, but the love & trust are usually restored within two years once both spouses are on-board.

If you both have trouble following the program, or one of you isn't going with the program, of course you may not recover within two years. In fact, you may never fully recover. Such is the difficulty of proceeding without a solid plan.

Jay,

Now is not the time to forgive. He has to earn that by earning your trust on a DAILY basis. As time goes on and his actions match his words, you will find the ability to truly forgive him. But until that time, forgiveness is not something he gets.

aBetterMe