It seems that lately there has been an influx of people in withdrawal on this forum. It seems that we are all looking for the same answers and suffering through the same emotions and feelings. Although I'm getting over my withdrawal and moving on with my life slowly but surely, it still hurts to hear some of the "fresh" stories and in a way prevents me from moving on completely. I have the choice to read posts or not, but I'm always drawn regardless…in time I will have to give up the forum as I have given up the OM.<P>Anyway, I thought I'd just post my view on withdrawal and possibly help anyone who is in the beginnings of this torturous journey. I hope I can give those in the initial stages some encouragement and support.<P>A recent question posted by Suz32 was, "Why is the withdrawal so hard? You should be able to get through it just like the ending of any other relationship. Right?" For me, getting over an affair relationship is much different than just ending any other relationship. It was different because in an affair you are made to believe that it's only ending because the OP has no other choice. You are made to believe that the OP really loves you but circumstances (such as a spouse and child) are preventing you from being together. It's hard to let go when you believe that the OP still loves you and needs you, but just can't have you. In a normal relationship you know it has ended because the person who ended it just doesn't want it to be…it's much easier to move on when you know that there is no love that could still be yours if circumstances were different.<P>Another similarity in most betrayers on this forum is that the OP was a great friend…possibly the best friend we ever had. This may be true and it definitely makes it harder to let go. For me, I was friends with my OM for about 2 years before the physical affair happened. We were close friends and our emotional affair probably began long before either of us realized. The OM and I worked together and we would often go to lunch, happy hour, plays in the city (with his wife and my husband), over each others houses for get togethers, we even went on vacation together in West Virginia. I considered the OM a very good friend and wish to God that we had never crossed that line so that we could have continued our friendship. However, the reason I miss the friendship so much is because I was emotionally involved, whether I realized it or not. A friendship like this would not have been good for my marriage…my "friend" gave me all the emotional needs I was looking for and I didn't need my husband to fulfill them any longer. The reality is that most of us have probably lost touch with friends throughout the years and have no problem moving on with our lives. We keep using the friends excuse to remain in contact with the OP…but, the real reason we want to keep the friendship so badly is because the OP emotionally fulfilled us. (I think I already said that). But, I guess what I'm trying to say that being friends with the OP and having an affair with the OP go hand in hand…you can't possibly continue to be friends with the OP and truly get over them.<P>Which leads to a post by Susan about how her OM contacted her to see how she was doing after they decided to let each other go. The OM is Susan's friend and is concerned about her well being…but, it's not a good idea to remain in contact. Showing each other you care like that will only lead into an affair again…and even if you don't realize you are in affair, subconsciously you will still be emotionally involved with this person.<P>I don't really know what I'm trying to say here…I'm just rambling.<P>But, I guess I'm trying to say is that even though everybody's situation has their own intricacies they are really extremely similar and a lot of the pain and confusion can be alleviated if we all followed one path. I thought I'd share the path of my withdrawal and you can let me know if there are any similarities…maybe you are all on the path to recovery. Maybe you all have something to look forward to. Now that I've gone through that path I wish that I could have just skipped all the steps and jumped to the ending. I keep wanting to say to those in withdrawal, "Just end contact…simple." But, it's not simple. I was told that a million times by a million people and it just didn't convince me. It's a realization that needs to be taken at your own pace…but it can be done and must be done in order to be happy again. Here's my path...<P>Friendship<BR>Affair <BR>OP confronts spouse with affair<BR>OP tries to leave spouse<BR>I confront husband with affair<BR>I leave for hotel briefly<BR>OP can't leave spouse<BR>I contemplate suicide (I did briefly because the pain and shock was extremely unbearable)<BR>OP says he will leave spouse one day and to give him some time<BR>I try to convince OP that we are soul mates<BR>I go through hell…lots of stress and anxiety…I take up smoking <BR>I analyze myself and life in general<BR>OP tells you that you are the greatest thing since sliced bread, etc.<BR>I hang on because OP thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread<BR>I try to convince the OP some more<BR>I'm depressed<BR>I'm still depressed (this lasts a long time and is the worst part)<BR>OP still says you are WONDERFUL but he can't leave his spouse<BR>I hang onto the fact that he thinks I'm wonderful<BR>I get angry<BR>I go on the biggest roller coaster ride of my life…from anger, to love, to depression, to anxiety, etc. I feel like a hypocrite.<BR>I let go because you have no other choice<BR>I stop smoking<BR>I finally feel free<BR>I move on with life<BR>I feel happy again<BR>I can appreciate my spouse again and work on my marriage<BR>(unfortunately, for me appreciating my spouse didn't come until the end...I'm sorry to the betrayed)<P>Sorry so long…good luck to all.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Holly (edited October 26, 1999).]

Holly, <P>Thanks for your post. My wife is in withdrawal and firmly believes she can still be friends with OM. It's tough.<P>In your path, I noticed the only time you mentioned your spouse was at the very end. You stated the OP confronts spouse, what about you? Where was your spouse in this path?<P>SHA<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited October 26, 1999).]

SHA--<P>I just edited my post to include my spouse.<P>The thing is, as selfish as it sounds, I was so clouded with "love" from the OM that my husbands feelings didn't come into account until later on. Also, my husband didn't seem to care if I stayed or not (that was probably his way of coping).<P>I guess I'm just giving you my side of the story, my obsession with the OM, and my withdrawal...which doesn't really include my husband. The things that went on between my husband and I are another post altogether.

Holly,<P>I'm on that rollacoaster of anger, being depressed and not letting the OM go completely.<P>It's so hard. And it is especially hard when the OM keeps telling you he loves you and you are the greatest thing since slided bread but he can't leave his wife. Actions and words just don't fit. <P>I know I have to just let it go, but I'm still looking for that justification and I've confronted him with "You can't really love me, you must love your wife more, and blah,blah". And all I get is "No, I do really love you, I'll love you forever, I'll never be as happy with my wife as I would of been with you, and you can chose not to believe me but I know how I feel inside."<P>He said to me "most marriages are not happy, and I'm willing to sacrafice not being happy for my son and you can believe whatever your counselor says about me and whatever those people on the internet say about me, they can call me the biggest ******* in the world, I don't care, they're just doing that to make you feel better and move on but it's not the truth".<P>It's so hard to find closure like this. I can't wait until I'm finally free of him.

Hi, guys. I'm just jumping in on your thread with absolutely nothing to contribute. <P>But I did want to say this. Those of us on the other side of this equation do understand that you are in horrible pain and that the loss for you is great. We have a clue because of our own losses. Different but very much alike, I would guess.<P>I guess I just wanted you to know that a lot of us are pulling for you, and hurting for you and praying for you, too. You've done a wonderful thing in trying to rebuild your marriages in the face of many many difficulties that not everyone can understand. I have such respect for you.<P>I also appreciate your posts and your advice. Words of wisdom that I may never have seen if you hadn't been here to help all of us along.<P>In other words, thanks. And best of luck to all of us.<P>Lori

Pam,<P>Great post! The two things that click with me are:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The reality is that most of us have probably lost touch with friends throughout the years and have no problem moving on with our lives. We keep using the friends excuse to remain in contact with the OP... but, the real reason we want to keep the friendship so badly is because the OP emotionally fulfilled us.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>How very very true!!!<P>And:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I keep wanting to say to those in withdrawal, "Just end contact…simple." But, it's not simple. I was told that a million times by a million people and it just didn't convince me. It's a realization that needs to be taken at your own pace...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's really great stuff, and it shows how far you've come since joining the forum! Yow!<P>--andy<BR>

Holly,<P>If I may;<P>Friendship<BR>Dating, fall in love <BR>Get married<BR>Have children<BR>Live together for 19 years<BR>Husband asks wife if she had an affair<BR>She says twice (one just over)<BR>Wife says she isn’t leaving<BR>Find out Mom has Alzheimers<BR>I contemplate suicide<BR>I try to convince wife we are soul mates<BR>I go through hell…lots of stress and anxiety…I take up smoking <BR>I analyze myself and life in general<BR>I tell my wife she is the greatest thing since sliced bread, etc.<BR>I hang on because we have been married 19 years, have two wonderful girls and I Love Her<BR>I try to convince wife some more<BR>I'm depressed<BR>I'm still depressed (this lasts a long time and is the worst part)<BR>I still say she is WONDERFUL but she can't leave her boyfriend<BR>I hang onto the fact that we are married and it should mean <I>something</I>!<BR>I get angry<BR>I go on the biggest roller coaster ride of my life…from anger, to love, to depression, to anxiety, etc.<BR>I let go because I have <I>no</I> other choice.<BR>Here I sit & wait. And wait. And wait...<P>Ya’ know, we the betrayed go through the same thing, <I>except</I> we are not the ones who continue to hurt the other.<P>Yes, you have quit the affair & are working on your marriage. I am truly happy for you & I wish you nothing but the best in your marriage.<P>sorry...<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

thank you holly for your post<BR>I was only thinking of this this morning actually, how the betrayers must obviously go thru the recognised "stages" of grief just as surely as we betrayed<BR>and sure enough in your post theres the shock, the denial, the bargaining, the anger, the depression, and Im glad to see the acceptance. <BR>thanks <BR><p>[This message has been edited by azure (edited October 26, 1999).]

I guess I should count myself lucky. Although I felt as if I were in love with the OM for a year, I didn't suffer withdrawal, only while I was in the affair did I go through it. <P>I love my h and wish I didn't. It's easier getting over someone you didn't share true intimacy with, than with someone you did. This is a life, people. I'm angry with myself for throwing my marriage away, and even angrier with those who cling to some ridiculous fantasy. Geez, people need to grow up.

Typical scenario for women stuggling with withdrawal...here's something to think about.<P>The OM wanted sex. He liked how you looked when he first met you, your body, your face. So he decided to become your friend and eventually seduce you down the road. He's got good qualities, he's not a complete jerk, but he gambled on entering this risky dangerous affair ultimately for sex thrills. He'll probably cheat again with some other woman after you and tell her the same things to get her to drop her panties too. He love his children more than you.<BR>He has feelings for you, but the bottom line is sex. You broke it off, he's cooler about than you as far as resisting talking/e-mail/phone because for him it was about sex, for you it was about affection/conversation/love.<P>Stop being a sucker for a used car saleman and wise up.<BR>

My OM did not have a wife or children. I think that makes it harder, because we may have been able to make it. Luckily for me he left the country for several months and then my H found out. Ironic. Although we tried to be friends I could not at least not now. I think you just have to realize that the OM/OW is not for you or you need to work on your marriage whatever the reason once you decide just do it end it and stick with it. It just would not have worked for us and like I said luckily he left the country. I hate to think what might of happened if he had stayed. When I feel like calling him or emailing him I think of all the reasons why it would have been a disaster and it helps. It actually makes me laugh. It hasn't been that long for me since I said I could not see him anymore, but everyday is a victory!!!!