Hello,
I am new here and appreciate the insight you all provide! My story: married 23 1/2 yrs, 5 kids, 22(grad school, at home, 20 away at school, 15 homeschool, 6 1st grade, 5 pre-k) my husband has been a workaholic and mostly a friday night alcoholic our entire marriage. two days ago, he said, "i'm done".
a month ago, we had enrolled our 15yr old son in an all boys private high school, due to anxiety and depression, a meltdown occurred and son threatened to take his own life.(he had been seeing therapist and on meds prior). he spent 6 days in hospital. husband and i battled much of this time as he had found a new therapist for our son, our son had seen him ONCE and this new therapist was orchestrating some really strange things for him. i did not agree with the therapists hard-line approach and dh saw this as me taking "all the power" with our son. so my husband, who i belives suffer from depression and job burnout(he's a super stressed IT executive), accused me of pushing him out of our lives. whatever. i have been a stay at home mom most of it and my husband travled extenseively for 16yrs. of course i was doing the parenting. sorry, the post entry window skips and it is very uncomfortable to type.
we have been to therapy, i have been to therapy, we have been on marriage retreats. i am an extrovert, hubby an introvert. he's also narcisistic and willl literally walk by the kids and me without speakig to us.
1 1/2 years ago, i found on MY computer emails my hubby had written for 7 weeks to an old college friend(who I had long forgotten) he was confronted and of course I am NUTS to think it meant anything. he then changed his passwork. bottom line: i think there is someone at work? got a hold of his blackberry this morning while he showered around 5am, last person he talked to was L, at 5:35pm as he was driving home. we went away in august for a couple days(but took 15yr old with us at last minute since he was not doing too well) . i was on hubby's laptop. she i'm'ed him "You shouldn't be on here" i wrote back "hi. this is the wife". my hubby is on call 24/7 for his job but apparently she knew he was on a getaway with me. she is married with 3 boys. i just thought it odd at 10pm at night she was i'm'ing my husband(it's a work type I m network where you log-in to work and can see who else is logged in)
because of our great kids, of course i am scared to death about divorce. can't say i love my hubby but i have always had hope that things would be ok. i am a christian, he thinks he is.
when he said he was done, he said that things meant nothing to him and that he would never hurt us(i guess he means financially) i am an educated person but in my mid 40s with two young kids. i am sick over his selfishness. he did say that there is just too much baggage between us and i just keep dredging up the past(that is because he does nothing to change things). he apparently thinks seeking out other women with friendship, drinking excessively etc are ok.
after reading many of these posts, i wonder if i am supposed to be praying for us to stay together? or praying for this to end? i think the rejection hurts a great deal, even though he has rejected me most of our marriage. my older 3 kids loathe him, the two little ones like him.
i asked him this am as he dressed for work(i was only in our bed because i am terribly ill with a cold adn thought he had leftfor work and climbed in) i said, have you talked to an attorney yet? he said no. i said am i supposed to be contacting an attorney? a realtor? he said, i don't know.i haven't even talked to a dr yet(think he meant therapist) if he's leaving, i want closure. if not, i want changes. he keeps saying that he wants a friend and he is sooo lonely. heck, i could talk to a hole in the wall. ia m very transparent and also compassionate. why does he have to lie and twist things?
thanks for reading this far

mominpink, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here.

Is your husband an alcoholic?

Regardless of the answer to that question, I would suggest a strategic, rather than a reactive approach to resolve the problem.

I would stop all fighting NOW and quietly start snooping on him. focus on being as attractive and pleasant as you can. Trying to name call and guilt him will only make this situation worse, not better.

I suspect he is having an affair, but I would not ask him, just quietly find out on your own. Can you hire a PI?

Once you get the goods on him, don't say a word to him. Just come back here and we will help you with next steps.

I would get the book Surviving an Affair as fast as you can and read it so our suggestions will make sense. They sell it in bookstores or you can buy it cheap here.

thank you for your welcome. i am a stressed mess, so i apologize for my scattered thoughts!
we have had words every day this week but "strange" things keep happening and i am convinced there is at least an EA with a woman he works with. tonite i facebooked her, he's 48(my hubby), she's 37, 3 kids, she works for my hubby. at 5am on wed, he was in basement working out(um, yeah,like for the 4th day in a row, sometimes twice a day), and i got on his blackberry upstairs. i am illiterate so i could not get into emails but hit the green phone and did see that he had/or called "L' at 5:36pm day before. He arrived home around 5:50 so I bet they talked while he drove. then next evening, he said, "did you get in my email last night at 1:06am?" I said, "no, i was sick on the couch with a fever all night" he said, "cuz someone messed with my emails and i'm afraid there's a security breach". i said, "i wish i knew how to mess up your emails" he hasn't set his phone down since. tonite, i was at a charity event with my grad-school daughter as part of her internship, my college son, his girlfriend home to visit said hubby put crown on 5yr old daughter's head(she had a gown on) took her pic with his blackberry then did something on his blackberry(assuming he texted her). i have a gut feeling about this. this "L" is the one who messaged him(me) while we were on getaway. he also told me two nights ago(which started a fight) that he can't believe we have so much "stuff" and it doesn't make him happy. i said, our house is well appointed and looks lovely and typical(we are in new house for 2 years and two main rooms are still empty! so i am not a hoarder by any means)then he said, " i went around taking pictures of our stuff." i thought for a second and thought , what the heck? then said, "oh to ticket the stuff for the attorneys" well, then he flipped out. so is his girlfriend inventory-ing MY stuff for after the split? "I want this, I want that?" when i spoke with the attorney that i am seeing next week, i told her this and she said she doesn't ask clients to take pictures of their stuff. so my husband's girlfriend wants my stuff? and he just keeps saying, "it's not the money, i will give you what you need..." is that cause girlfriend has money?
hubby keeps saying"I'm so lonely, i am so unhappy. i need a friend". then he keeps saying "i know there's a fundamental problem between us and i don't think it can be fixed" then i say, "okay there's your answer". i went to see a pastor on thurs and he agreed my hubby's a very selfish man.my husband is now picking fights with me when i try and discuss the relationship. i am seeing an attorney on tues.
also, he keeps saying that money is not the issue(i googled her and she lives in a big-azz hosue like i do) so maybe he's just planning on moving in with her and her 3 boys(she is married, her hubby is 38, her boys look 4 or 5, 8 and 10 or so) which is ironic because our boys are 6, 15 and 20 and hubby doesn't give them the time of day! he keeps saying we have too much "baggage" between us. i say "so you're going to go somewhere else and not have baggage?"
okay, if he's cheating, i know he WON'T leave his job to save our marriage, he won't so even though i don't think i can get thru this, really this marriage can't be saved right?
i am sick, sick, sick in my stomach and can't believe this is happening in my life. sorry for my weird words-i am just heartsick

melody,
my husband is a high level executive, we are new to this company(2 years) but i have had only 2 exposures to his co-workers, a holiday party and a company picnic. if i expose him to his co-workers, he will be fired, then i don't get it, i will still be single and broke? please advise.

Your best ally is this woman's husband. The sooner you do, the better. It may not make a difference -- I know a woman who didn't believe her husband's affair partner's husband when he called to tell her that her husband was having an affair with his wife -- but it is worth a shot. Look at all the kids in this mess -- how sad! Would you rather lose a son or have your husband lose his job? If exposure is made to the woman's husband, there may be some possibility that that is all the farther it would go.
Cherished

mominpink, Welcome to MB.

Have you read all of the info available to you on this site? Here is a thread I started to help guide people around this site. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Click through all of the links and you will learn a lot.

As MelodyLane said, you need to get the goods on your WH and OW. Get the evidence you need and then expose this affair far and wide, all on the same day.

A lot of this site may seem counter-intuitive but it is your best chance. Ask any questions as you have them and we will be happy to help you.

You've got this bass-ackwards, mom. If you expose you'll have a shot at remaining married. If you don't, you will quite likely wind up single and broke.

You've already gotten solid advice. You just need to act on it. Snoop, confirm the A, expose the two adulterers. Exposure shines a very bright light of reality on the fantasy of an affair. Helping them hide it is not going to help your M.

Have you read the articles on this site, explaining how affairs begin, how they are constructed, and how to DEstruct them? Please do so, post-haste. You haven't got a lot of time to waste, here.

My H is a high-level employee in his company. Exposure ended his A that day. He is still employed. OW's husband personally went into her office with her and packed up her things. She quit. They moved out of state.

My H is thankful to this day that he was exposed. Because he said he wanted to stop it and didn't know how.

His OW and her H threatened to sue H's company for sexual harassment. You think his company liked hearing that one? If you don't expose, you'll have to hope that his affair ends when OW wants it to end, and that it ends cleanly and with no ill will. Because she, or any other employee in that company, can sue the company for harassment directly related to the affair.

Def stop the affair now. My ex H was the ceo of his company. It happens among these types imho.

I would go for the ow's H. Expose to him first.

Can you get a voice activated recorder and hide it in his car? I'd do that AND hire a pi. Fwiw, I found out all I needed to know and confirmed his ema with five hours or so with a private eye.

Being armed with knowledge arms YOU. Like hell I'd let some [censored] ow document MY FURNITURE and things. Your H sounds imho depressed. Truthfully, when the ws is torn, they DO become depressed, but don't feel sorry for him just yet.

Learn plan A and B and carrot and stick and GET THE PROOF. Then expose like wildfire. OW H first. Nuclear explosion with all the proof to him.

Fwiw also, I too thought my ex WH was going crazy. I did. I thought (when at the time the ema first began and didn't know he was having an ema) that he was simply under extreme stress from his company. I thought he was losing his mind b/c he acted like a depressed and angry person 24/7.

thank you all for your thoughtful replies. i think i began plan a today-went to pumpkin farm with our two youngest and college son and girlfriend, i said to ws, "wanna hold hands?" so we did for awhile. not comfortable though. later this evening, i was on phone with a close friend(talking about it) ws disappeared and went walking in neighborhood. i called his cell twice, no answer(of course wondering if he was talking to her), then drove around, found him, invited him to grocery store with me and to pick up carry out for our older kids. we had about 1 1/2 hrs together. i am being as pleasant as i can when the thought of vomiting is not overtaking me.
he is still hem-hawwing about his "feelings"(Which is funny (ironic) cuz he never had feelings before, but anyway, i am calling a private eye on monday-how do you figure out who is a "good" one? is there a specific licensing or something? that is my next move. thanks all. i hate this, i hate it but i want to do what i can.

So, last night hubby and i went for a salad after run to grocery store. had a really good talk about everything. he is revealing his feelings like never before. yesterday i received 3 emails from him talking about how much he loved me(but he always threw in that he didn't know if it would work going forward and thoughts like that). he has an appt with a therapist next week. he said he is finally understanding all of the hurt he has caused me in our marriage over the years(is this guilt talking?) and he feels empowered to go forward as a new and better person. my husband is a very introverted, quiet kind of dull pragmatist, i am the opposite of course . i am getting so many mixed signals. is this how this works? am i being duped?
i have appt with attorney this a.m. and i spoke with p.i. yesterday who works through the attorney. my husband has work computer and work blackberry and i have no access to them(password protected) and he guards blackberry with his life. p.i. said they can get text records-how would i confront hubby with evidence? then he would know that I hired someone?
i am sorry-all of this is killing me and my older children(ages 22,20) hubby walks around here like a wounded soul. i am sick and feels glimmers of hope when ws and i discuss things, but then i sink when i think about what he's doing to us. i don't know what to believe at all.
as soon as i resign myself to accepting the divorce, hubby send ME a carrot, so then i feel like i am crazy?
thoughts?....

I think he is attempting to cake-eat and keep both of you. Have you been making noises about divorce? His response is to do whatever it takes to make you happy while still keeping his OW on the side. He's getting his needs met by both of you and doesn't want that to end.

You've got to confirm this A, mom. You're pretty much powerless until you do so.

thank you maritalbliss-
gosh, i am so sick of being sick and upset! so i should call a p.i. how do i find a good one?

Do whatever you have to do to expose. If you can pay for a PI, hire a PI. Call the TV show cheaters. The link must be broken, and then every behavior and habit which led to the vulnerability to an A must be obliterated.

If you haven't got down to buy SAA - the basic skeletal concept of the book is contained in the infidelity portions of this site. FWW and I got our copy yesterday (ordered online through the site).

mominpink, sorry you are here.

Stay in Plan A till you vomit(where he can't see you). Don't talk relationship, marriage, or have expectations.

If some of the vets can find the reverse babble thread on how to answer him that is a good one.

PI - how long in business? Ask them what type of technology they use. GPS? Var? hidden cameras? Don't get those types that just follow them. Most times they give you a flat fee with no guarantee but usually they are able to uncover the A pretty quickly.

I know you said his blackberry is attached to him. If you can get it away from him for about 20 minutes you can get his call records on line.

Even though it is a work phone you can still register it. I "borrowed" xh phone. You need to have accesss to the phone when you register it because the cell phone company will send a Pin Number to the phone which I copied down and then deleted the message so he did not see it. I was able to see his cell/text history and that is when I confirmed it was his direct report.

Most attorneys will give your initial consultation free for one hour to find out what rights you have. Try to pick an attorney that maybe your H will use. If you go to him first then he cannot use him.

Blessings.

so, my husband and i just talked for 3 hours , after having dinner out with our kids. at one point, he had his blackberry, i said. "let me see it", he got kind of possessive and "funny" but I persisted, he scrolled down, showed me work emails, no real surprises, his texts,no surprises except a couple from her(or who i suspect) saying Lunch at 12:30?, and are you in your office? , rather benign, whatever, BUT i then asked to see his yahoo account and he scrolled past it, and i said, no no, let me see the yahoo account, and he got flustered and BEGAN SWEATING and said, let's just go into your computer, well he tried and tried to sign in but couldn't seem to remember the password, then he used his laptop and got it up-it was unable to go into his trash bin, but what was there in the inbox was benign. i still feel like wow, why was he sweating like that? ya know? i am screwing this whole plan thing up, huh? but he did tell me that he still wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to stay married, so really, whether there is someone or not, i may not be married in the end anyway.
i have spent the last two days in an awful way, this has been so difficult so lambast me if i ruined things, but i really don't understand the nice, long relationship talk(which is hard for my shy, more introverted husband) and the flip to "i am not sure what the future holds for us" one after the other?

MIP, the next time your husband starts sweating, PRESS HARDER! You were right on top of all the evidence you needed--why did you back off? He magically forgot his password?! Yah, I don't think so. He didn't want to get into the trash bin because he had already dumped the incriminating stuff in there once he realized that you were getting suspicious. Unfortunately, by now he has dumped the trash.

He is flipping around because he is now at the "farting and tapdancing" (to quote Kurt Vonnegut) stage of trying to juggle you and his OW and keep you both. He is leading you on with "we're still together" and threatening you with "I don't know for how long, especially if you keep trying to uncover my fun secret life."

Back off ON THE SURFACE and start spying in earnest. You want him to think that you are buying his story so that he gets careless again. There is a lot of good info in the threads about spying--time to get serious and go undercover! Don't blow any more opportunities to discover just what is going on.

mominpink, stop asking and start sleuthing. He will not be transparent till the OP is out of the picture.

Your actions are driving the A more into the dark and the only goal you are accomplishing is that it will make it harder for you to find the truth.

No you might not be married in the end, there are no guarantees but you can find out the truth and you decide if you want to save your M.

ok, i am meeting the pi on monday morning. ws and i talk incessantly about what he wants to be different. (i am still regarded at shrew who hurt him horribly) i have done my best to be quiet, to LISTEN, to take in what he is asking for. it has drained me beyond anything i knew possible. i have lost almost 20lbs in 3 weeks(which i needed but...)

ws and i went to dinner tonite-he is still "so hurt by me". i am relying on God and the love of others to get through this mess.

thank you for being here. i will update and ask for guidance.

ps i found a black leather button and receipt for apparently a 5:30am coffee rendesvous at mcdonald's . he has "no idea how receipt got there". buttom was apparently from a co-worker who borrowed his work vehicle for two weeks to move(plausible but not likelly since our kids have been in the back seat of his truck a few times).