Nobody has filed for divorce due to requirement to be seperated for 1 yr before being able to do this. We also must attend mediation before being able to do it as we were not married 2 years. It really is tough not to have contact but i guess you need to show them they cannot have everything.

Hi nath076,

I haven't posted to you before, but was looking at the posts here before relaxing on a Sat. night to watch movies after a long week.

One thing you stated earlier in your story is that your illness caused your W to become disenfranchised with you and to leave. Let me tell you something, plenty of married couples face an illness, either physiological or biochemical, and do not abandon their spouse. I myself have lived with my W's manic derpression, even lenghtly hospitalizations, and we are still married after 41+ years. Her illness does NOT diminish her or my desire to stay with her in any way. I think I have posted this only once before since I joined here last winter, but IMHO this woman is not worth stepping on the ground you walk on. She does not have the courage or character to uphold her vows and stand by the guy she married. And yes, for better or worse is pretty damned important to me, and I believe to most people here. If you want to dilly-dally, mope and pine over this person then you obviously do not realize her for what she is. I do not know how old you are, but I assume you are younger. That means you have your life ahead of you.

I don't think it is a matter of your marriage anymore because at this point I think it is lost. But, what are you doing for yourself in addition to pining for her? Have you consulted an attorney in view of her idiotic demands for proceeds from a house that isn't or maybe cannot be sold at this time? Do you have your depression under control? Are you protecting your finances. Thank God you two do not have children.

Yea, this is harsh, but by God I sometimes wonder about the younger generation.

Good luck.

Tom

Ok. MB Oldtimer here and with some advice. My ex WH was one of MB's worst offenders here doing everything and anything bad you can think of.

Nath, one thing my ex did was totally lie to our counselor because we DID have individual sessions. That is a recipe imho for disaster because the ws can begin what I call the "lie factor" where they lie and lie to explain away their cheating.

You see, your ww really does not have any ammo to use against you or a real reason to say WHY SHE CHEATED does she? I mean, illness happens, and there is something called for better or worse in your vows that is supposed to cover this plus the part about in sickness and in health.

A cheater has to save face. That is one thing you must know. It's a bad thing to be labeled as either a homewrecker or cheater. Ripping apart a marriage and or a family does have implications and because a wayward places self so far above others it's not funny, they are the first ones to look for other reasons to play the blame game to attempt to show how they are REALLY the wronged party and they were forced or in their foggy minds, justify their cheating and despicable behavior. She's just playing by the cheater playbook.

You DO have to protect yourself right now. You need a var going at all and any times you have any contact with ww. She will claim anything and I go with the others that you're skating on thin ice with the whole possible domestic violence issue with her. She will try to use any lame reason drumming up all kids of false accusations against you and when things begin to not go her way, or money begins to look a bit more scarce, you can bet the selfish wayward will do whatever they can do to keep their life unaffected by THEIR bad behaviors.

That means she will lie in the worst ways imaginable, that the woman who was once your sweet wife is turned into an alien. My ex did that.

My advice would to be to counter her at all points, including protecting yourself and your assets first.

I'd go immediately to plan B very dark as well as plan D. She needs $ to fuel her immoral affair and will do whatever it takes.

I believe jmw was on spot with the other advice in that she will probably only respond when she's handed her walking papers. Do NOT let a wayward dictate HOW LIFE WILL BE TO YOU. No, you decide what will happen in things now.

YOU play hardball and do not initiate any contact with her other than a plan B letter sent along with your divorce papers being served. Right now her being gone and not in physical contact is good b/c she can't lie and claim you did something like somehting physical. Look. My ex suffers from several mental issues, and refused to ever be evaluated by anybody professionally during our divorce. I told everyone I knew something was wrong with him. It was. He is/was full blown bipolar and narcissistic personality disorder. Big time. Yet he lied to the counselor in the individual sessions and tried to convince her I was the one who was nutso.

The liars are the ones who point the fingers first and you remember that and begin to protect yourself today.

She may remain wayward and spiral downward and that is something that's her problem. Or she may see you differently after you are permanently gone from her life and plan B/plan Divorce her. Nobody knows. But you will have regained your dignity and your life no matter what she does. And in the end, all you have is your dignity anyhow.

Fwiw, I found the love of my life AFTER divorce. Married him this july

Nath,

I know it sucks. I won't say it doesn't.

BUT, if you don't have kids you'll find that you can and will move on quicker wihtout her in your life. You deserve better and can find better.

I was so devastated about what happened to me that I voluntarily spent a week in a psych ward. One of the best decisions I ever made.

Today? I'm happily remarried to a woman who believes in MB and is a real partner in life. There is life after divorce, and it can be much better than you ever imagined.

Thankyou very much Tom, Peach and Lostdads, you responses have helped me through avery difficult time. After legal advice i have discovered she cannot sell the house until i agree. So I am taking my time and working out my future plans. At this stage i am considering buying the house. I have a few concerns about what it will be like emotionally to remain in the house.

I have avoided all contact with my wife, until today. Her grandfather passed away and i offered my condolences, i really was confused as to wether or not to do this but i considered it was the right thing to do. I can be the better person. I miss her greatly, but have intense anger at her and it gets worse with each day. My counsellor believes this is healthy for now and deserved. I feel like i have been a doormat for too long so i guess its be getting tough and standing up to the cruelty i was given.

Im very confused as to what i feel for my wife, all i know is i miss our life together but not how she is now, and i think the one i love has gone i dont see her there anymore. I have gotten angry about friends keeping contact with her and still being kind to her and not taking sides. This angers me. I feel so let down by many and especially my wife and her family. I really look forward to the day i dont have to think about my wife and all this but fear its a long way off. Its a real struggle at the moment.

Well she is back at it again trying to pressure the house sale. The difference is that im now tough enough to politely tell her to get stuffed. I never let things descend into arguments as i dont want to give her that satisfaction. I feel angrier buy the day and despise what she has done. What type of woman leaves her husband because he got sick, what type of woman loses respect for an ill spouse. It really disgusts me, i think tom said it best saying he wonders about this younger generation. The disposable nature of marriage these days sickens me, its treating your spouse like nothing more than an old accessory. Is this anger a normal part of seperation and divorce its very out of my character and i feel bad about saying this about my wife but i cannot help it.

I just want it all over so i can move forward.

Friends of your WW are not your friends. YOu have to start weeding. This is a very good weeding phase of your life. When loss comes (loss of your spouse in this case) it is also time to look around you and see who you can trust and who you can no longer trust and get them out of your life.
If those friends work with him then they have to be decent to him on the workplace and that is understandable, but they do not have to be friends outside the workplace.
The house is yours and you live in it. YOu stay there till you have to and your WW will have to suffer the consequences of her actions.
M is very disposable these days to the point where less and less people are getting married (one of the MB radio shows addressed this issue just a few days ago: the decline of M)
Even in Catholic countries like Italy the rates are declining and more and more people live together. D rates here are becoming as high as in the States.
Theories say that is part of our evolution to totally get rid of the institution of M. Many claim that staying in love with the same person is difficult at a time when outside stimulations are so rich and varied.
It is like staying skinny in a time of abbundance when every shelf in the store overflows with goodies. In fact obesity is also rampant and increasing worldwide.
Too many temptations are not healthy for M, and we know that in this day and age there are so many and people tell us it is ok to indulge.
Of course there are skinny people and there are people who stay married for life...but you have to work at it that is, resist temptations and exercise.
blessing

Im doing it pretty tough at the moment its a real stuggle to keep up with things. I miss my wife so much and am having such trouble letting her go, i just want to pick up the phone and try to find her. I dont even hear from friends anymore i dont think they know what to do or say, others dont want to get in the middle. All my wifes side of the family and her friends never call or help at all, its like ive lost it all i dont know what to do. I moved back in with family but im finding this to be tough as they keep trying to tell me to get over it and keep pushing me and its not helping.

I also have the whole finacial side of things over me as well my wife just keeps at me to know when she will have her money for the half of the house. I cant even bring myself to do anything about it it just destroys me. I realy feel like im losing control on it all. I dont know what to do...

Its my 2nd wedding anniversary next week and that is really troubling me. I feel like a failure who couldnt keep his own wife happy. I also feel like everyone has either given up on more is about to. I tried really hard to make my marriage work, but i just couldnt fix it after her affair i think she has been so good at spinning stories that everyone takes her side. I feel like everyone thinks im now this abusive husband and they dont want to know me. Its really painful. I just waster my days filling in time its horrible.

You don't have kids with her. Why put yourself through this for someone that doesn't want to be with you after such a short marriage?

Trust me when I tell you, there are tons of wonderful women out there.

Well it was my anniversary the otherday and in a last effort to save the marriage I decided to try to appeal to my wife with a nice email it. Despite the fact of everything that had gone on. Well after just letting her no she was missed and that she was always very loved she sent back a very harsh and blunt email, she proceeded to blame everything she could on me. She said every harsh word that could be thrown at me and tried to knock me down even further, once again continuing to deny an affair that happened and possibly continues on, who knows.

She signed it off with a very nasty end paragraph that reads as follows...

"I tried to be the wife/ partner/ lover/ friend you deserve, but all that is gone now. I no longer love you and I no longer want to be with you. It makes me sad, but my love for you has died and it�s not coming back. This letter signifies a certain closure for me, for our relationship. Goodbye"

Needless to say after this thats it i give up on her, shes turned into a worthless greedy person who is not worthy of anybody let alone me. It amazes me how much the person I loved has changed and how every good trait literally vanished over night and shows no sign of change or responsibility or anything. She has even gone on to say that she was always unsure of marriage and not ready, despite pressuring me for years to do so. Its all a bunch of lies I think in order to justify her affair. Well shes going to get one more letter from me thats for sure. Only this one will not be nice it will be blunt and to the point I will detail in explicit detail all the hurt and pain her actions have caused how selfish and hurtful she has become, how even her friends have turned against her and not to bother ever asking for my help or assistance any time in the future. I have allready issued papers to sign over the house into my name and end all financial ties. Needless to say despite me giving a fair and equal amount of everything to her she still wishes to bring lawyers into this. The greed has no ends.

You�re wasting your time writing her anything other than divorce papers where you clean her clock for everything.

Telling her how much she hurt you will not matter.

Seriously, it�s a complete waste of time.

The best response to her is silence, indifference, and nasty divorce papers.

Well there has been no progress with us, I have been hounded and pushed into making a full financial separation. I have settlement due in a few days and it basically worked out a 50/50 split of everything. I lost a lot and financially will be struggling for sometime. I did however keep half the equity in the property and refinance it so I can still live there. Im not sure how I will go living in that house alone but will give it a shot.

I keep attending counselling and It seems to help. I did get quite upset at the last session as it was indicated that my wife thought she was in a different 'class to me' whatever that means but it makes you feel pretty worthless, that your best mate of 8 years and wife can say such a nasty thing behind your back, and obviously believe it to.

Its a very hard process, there are days where it is a real struggle even now after 5mths of this. I have not seen her since the day she left. I want more than anything to be back and happy. But I cannot get through to her or do anything. She must learn in her own time, and I cannot sit waiting for this. Especially when any dealings I have with her she is so full of anger and hostility. Yet she never ever told me she was unhappy or sad or anything until she had made up her mind to leave and was caught out cheating. She still denies that it was an affair (drunken kiss is all she says) Phone records of course reveal otherwise. Her parent continue to pretend I dont exist nobody even returns calls or emails. Its very dissapointing to be so cast aside for no reason. I suspect she has lied in order to create this reaction from them.

She has invented many stories to cover her tracks. Has spread rumours of me being violent and abusive far from true. I was a loving husband dealing with some problems who tried to please his wife in everyway but I was never told I ever neglected anything or that she was struggling so how could I meet needs I never thought were there.

It has been revealed through counselling that my wife is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder as a result of the discovery of her affair and my reaction of anger to finding this out. I think anger is justified in such a situation and shouting is not out of place, its natural for any partner discovering such a horrible thing to get mad and angry (it never got physical). It appears some nasty things happened in her life that have been bottled up. Im now the scapegoat rather than dealing with the true issues, its much easier to run and abuse me. I really worry for her, despite all this I love my wife. I think im must be crazy at times. Not really sure where I head from here, other than giving everything time and see where life leads.

Oh, for ghod's sakes . . . please tell me you are not falling for this.

You're supposed to believe that the criminal has PTSD as a result of getting caught, and wants sympathy and coddling for that?

That's like the two brothers who murdered their parents but wanted sympathy at their trial "because they're orphans".

Truly, your WW is the victim of all victims. Again, please don't fall for this.

Your WW is a sociopath. That's my diagnosis, not PTSD. Thank your lucky stars you got out before you had children and wasted a bunch of years with this person.

Baloney. Any stress reaction your WW is having is the result of behaving in an immoral way. It is her conscience's way of letting her know that what she is doing is wrong.

You had every right to react angrily to a complete betrayal of you and your marriage.

What she deserves is a giant picture of your middle finger while you hold your hot new girlfriend in your arms after the papers are signed.

Be happy you have this cancer out of your life.

Well its been a while since the last post so thought I should update. I am doing much better still tough days. But getting better. I saw my ww for the first time in months. she has moved interstate and back in with parents. The same parent who saw it fit to not talk or assist in anyway during the whole of our relationship and made no effort to assist in the trouble of our marriage or the difficulties that my ww was having. It seems to me that there is some strange things that have happened in her past and I can only speculate on, but these involve sexual abuse by previous acquaintance and possible earlier incidents, that have all been awoken by her actions. She no longer works full time. When I saw her off I decided to stand up for myself and get out exactly what I thought of her and her disgusting behaviour.

I told her of the hurt caused. The way she had hurt me the anger I felt and of my loss of admiration and respect for her. These all hit her and tears were visible. She still cannot face or accept responsibility for her actions even after over 6mths have passed. She offered no apology, does not feel she needs to or that I deserve it. All she said was its sad. I told her she is the one who has to live with it not me, I said I hope one day to get a meaningful apology but that im not holding my breath. I told her I do not want her back and that I am moving forward with life and that things were going much better for me. I then said I want nothing to do with her or to see her ever again. I did not even offer a cuddle or anything to say goodbye I simply stated she had done nothing to deserve that or a nice ending. I turned around and walked away never looking back.

I hope I have done the right thing I felt better instantly after doing this and its been a month since and I still feel better. Like I am not waiting in limbo for somebody to "recover". I realised the person I loved is not there anymore she disappeared.

Thanks to all who gave the courage to help with this.