Yo Rapunzal standing in the upstairs window looking romantically lonely!

News flash: your hair isn't going to grow that long.

He is OUT of your decision tree.

Book the trips. Florence is lovely any time of year.

Go all in on the class.

The only person limiting you is ..... YOU.

And change the ;@@&? locks. He is clever. Everyone who follows your thread knows it. He is about to be clever and really mad. I don't think this is safe for you.

Harmony,

A change of heart is NOT what you are looking for. It is counseling, a complete change of perspective, and addressing his abusive manner.

By the way would you H join you in these activities you have listed? If not, he is the wrong guy. THis is what I mean about a path in life. His path needs to be parallel to yours for this to have a chance.

SH, is trying to save your marriage hence his suggestions. I think most of us are trying to get you on your feet in life and then see about the marriage.

So please inform of the actions of your H in the last 6 months that you miss. I don't recall many, but that is just my perspective.

Think about it.

JL

Hi All

Not a good update I am afriad.

Stayed in last night on my own. H turned up at the house about 11pm drunk as a skunk. He walked in and sat in his office. I went and saw him and asked what he was doing here, here are some of the things he said:

* That I had been seen out with a man
* That I have been trying to snoop and find out what he has been upto
* That he had seen the pack of condoms in my bedroom drawer (gave to me by the STD clinic when I got tested last week)
* That 'someone' had been to the house as the wedding photo was faced down.
* That the OW had told him to come and talk to me to see where I was coming from
* Why had I packed up his stuff - how could I be so awful

There was no reasoning with him, and I asked him to leave and he said no. Then he started to get nasty and say:

* That he was in a complete mess, had hardly eaten, and I was the 'culprit'
* That I had messed up his whole life
* That I had no morals
* That he was going to smash the house up, then started to play with some scissors in a threatening way

I was frighted the whole time and left the front door open. Then he seemed to calm down and went into the lounge and asked me to sit with him, he then started to fall asleep so I said to him to go upto the spare room. He was too drunk to drive anywhere.

The he begged me to lie in bed with him and cuddle and I am ashamed to say that I did and more. This morning, I woke up got very angry and asked him to leave. As he was in a more sober state he said:

* That he missed me terribly
* That moving my stuff out of our other property hurt him
* He didn't understand why we couldn't have any contact

I just wanted him out of the house, and told him to leave, I wasn't willing to discuss anything further with him and that I did not want any further contact. I then got really upset and started crying and I told him to leave straight away.

Then shortly after I called the police for advice, let them know that I felt threatened, they have logged it on their system, if he does it again then someone will be out in 10-15 minutes. I don't have to press charges just that they will remove him and scare him enough not to do it again.

OK, go easy on me, I am really annoyed. I feel like all the hard work that has been done has been thrown away and that it has churned me all up again. I know that he is going to be a complete nightmare, and I have to get the locks changed but he is going to go MAD.

Go easy, I feel terrible.

I feel like all the hard work has been to waste, I am so so annoyed.

Are you getting supportive counseling to see why you are so weak around men? You have a problem, a bigger problem then we can help you with, if you have sex with a totally drunk man who abuses you.

Then! You call the police after sleeping with him? This does not seem normal to me. I would get the locks changed and get a very loud alarm system that calls the police immediately if he trys to break in.

Unless you want him to continue to come over and then you can keep having sex with him because you are so lonely...then do nothing.

Why have sex with him when he is boinking the other woman too? Did you use the condoms at least?

Bubbles

I really find your post unhelpful. I have had one moment of being weak around him. To say I have a problem is just harsh, I had one blip and it's not going to happen again, I have not instigated contact with him once

I know what your point is and in many ways your right, I have already said I am annoyed at myself.

I am changing the locks, the reason I phoned the police is because I want to
know what I can do if he turns up again when drunk. I will call them if he does it again.

Harmony

I beg to differ. You had weakness during your entire marriage with this man. Then, you were weak when you made love with the other man. There is nothing wrong with admitting you are weak around men, many women are. But admitting the truth or becoming aware of the truth is the first step toward healing.

Until you can become strong around all men, you will have problems in life. A counselor could help you with this tendancy to be weak around men and to allow abusers in your life if they say the right things for the moment.

I am really really annoyed with myself. I wish I hadn't even posted this now as I am going to get a load of [censored] but I already know what an idiot I have been. I suppose I felt sorry for him.

I am better than this and am getting myself back on track.

Stand up, pack a bag and leave right now.

You are not safe.

The most dangerous time for abused women is immediately after they leave their abuser.

That�s right now for you.

Have your father meet the locksmith tomorrow.

Please Harmony � I had a beautiful friend whose husband basically decapitated her with scissors the day he was to move out. I couldn�t have been more surprised if an armchair had murdered her. The scissors came from her three year old who was going to use them to cut the lamp cord he was using to strangle her.

They �whys� can wait. If it makes you feel any better, there is nothing unusual about your behavior � it�s what abused women do.

Get someplace safe for a few days.

Fret not Harmony.

You didn't mess up anything.

You actually did okay for a newbee B person dealing with a drunk, weepy, messed up wayward who made himself at home. Even the cuddling/more episode isn't the end of the world.

Obviously, you DO MEET many of his EMOTIONAL NEEDS.

Good!

Now, get your "big girl" moving onward in your plan B to make your stand.

You stand for a monogamous, committed marriage.

You are firm in your resolve and though you love him, you will not accept crumbs.

He was difficult to deal with, yes. You keep calm in the face of that drunk, crazy, messed up guy and you firmly, but calmly let him know. You will not allow him to
cause you any additional emotional abuse. He will have to meet your plan B guildlines and earn his way back to the marriage. Until then, he must respect that you need no contact to heal from the suffering his infedelity has caused you.

Gentle, firm, resolute.

Yes,, get your friends and your family to support you in leaving him and staying away from him. Then please girl, get some supportive counseling for the abuse issues. You can improve and you will then NEVER BE TEMPTED TO BE AROUND ABUSIVE MEN AGAIN!!!

Did you start believing what he was saying to you? He is unstable, please protect yourself.

Harmony, I know you must be feeling bad today for what has happened....brush yourself off and start again, this isn't the easiest thing in the world to do.....
But this is the reasons you should go to a lawyer and get yourself a legal separation, and then change the locks on the doors.......you have to stop him from just thinking he can come back into your life when he wants when he hasn't done anything to fix what is wrong........he is hurting I think you see that but he is not handling himself in a very mature way.......I would send him another Plan B letter and make sure you explain to him why the NO CONTACT thing has to be in place, tell him when he gets the help he needs then you would be willing to go to MC with him to see if anything can be resolved, you make sure that he knows it's not just about what you did it's about how he is as a person......and how he reacts and conducts himself, make sure he knows this is unacceptable.......
1 step forward, 2 steps back now reverse 2 steps forward stop don't go back.....that's the plan from now on......oh and by the way.....(((hugs))))

When I broke off with a dysfunctional boyfriend I was with for 14 years, I let him come back a few times. Then, I finally was strong enough to keep him away.

Harmony,

It must be hard for you. This thing was about to happen because you left the door open, quite literally.


Re-read the bolded part and this time leave no holes in your plan. Secure yourself against him. Otherwise, you'll become his enabler.

Others can correct me but I would have someone e-mail him and warn him in writing that:

1. You have changed the locks
2. He is not to come harrass you again
3. You have an alarm system that calls police should he try and break in
4. You will take legal action if he tries to break in.

That way, he is not surprised if he comes over again and trys to use his key and THEN GETS MAD.

His anger will be dissapated since your IM has explained this all to him ahead of time.

I suggest doing it this way

Have IM let him know that
1. You have changed the locks
2. He is to respect that you need him to not contact you to allow you to deal with your pain
3. If he tries to contact you or come to the home you will need to take legal action to enforce it since it is so important to your own peace of mind
4. You mean everything you said in the plan B letter and it is his map back home should he ever be able to be up the task.




Harmony, this is most likely a long haul and not a quick thing to resolve. Just know that you will come out a better person if you stay calm, firm, and avoid love busters when facing challenges in it.

Hi Bubbles,

I didn't believe ANYTHING he said, I am not drawn in by the wayward babble at all. If anything seeing him like a man 'possessed' is what troubles me the most, the fact that he doesn't want to work at the marriage, the fact that he drinks and drives, the fact that he treats me and others with such disrespect, he is in complete self destruction mode. There is a part of me that still cares but even that is dying.

Is this normal to feel like this? I would have thought so...

He is not going to go quietly thats for sure, he has continued to break the Plan B. I have not instigated contact at all.

I have an appointment with the lawyer Tuesday.

I feel calmer now, but more than anything I am annoyed with myself for getting into bed with him and even more annoyed that he broke my Plan B as I had 2 weeks no contact and feel back at Day 1 again.

I am staying at my sisters tonight and getting the locks changed.

Feeling down right now, I am 34, I have get to get out of this marriage with someone I love who is not capable of being the man I want to be.

I am sure that I will feel better tomorrow after a good nights sleep, I know that he is not going to 'let me go' quietly.

I dont understand, I gave him plenty of opportunity to work on the M, he didn't want it and now he wont leave me alone.

I am in a bit if a flap and don't know what to do next.

Thanks Reading, I think I was weakened by his text the night before, this is my problem I have to be strong enough to not let him attempts to get to me work. He needs to leave me alone, I am ok after no contact, I build myself up and let him bring me back down again.

I know that I meet many of his EN's and he is so fogged up with self justification ect... that he cant see that.

I am really annoyed for letting him use me like that. I can also see that he is more angry at his loss of control over me, he can't contact me when he wants and is going mad in his head wondering what I am upto.

All I really want is to be settled in a happy M, starting a family not dealing with this rubbish anymore.

I dont understand, I gave him plenty of opportunity to work on the M, he didn't want it and now he wont leave me alone.

Yes...you really WANT them to be rational. But they are not. Nothing adds up. He is irrational and does not and will not make sense (others can explain this)

These abusive, dysrunctional partners seem to SWING back and forth like a rotten mailbox in the wind based on many things including:

1. How his other relationship is going at the time
2. How much he has had to drink
3. How he feels at the moment
4. How his other living situation is panning out
5. What his friends are telling him at any one moment
6. How horny he is and if OW is sexually available on that particular evening or not....

Yes, you cannot expect him to be rational or make sense. He is going to be unstable. That is why YOU have to determine YOUR direction and learn to stick with it. You can do this!!!

I can't believe he would use me like this, I am so appalled.

What a &%^*())%#@.



That just makes me feel sick. He has turned into a monster, thats all I know. I looked at him last night when he was angry and he looked like the devil possessed, he was in a state wandering what I had been upto and who I had been with, making all sorts of accusations. He keeps checking up on me, turning up in the morning or late at night.

I just can't believe this if I am honest, he just seems to get worse not better.

I know I can do this, I just need to pick myself back up again......