Wow, where to begin.

I divorced 2 years ago after a 13 year marriage with a serial cheater. I went through the typical things when you're a BS; guilt, sadness, anger, trying to hang on and then just let go. It's been two+ years since my WS left me with two minor children. It sucked, it hurt but I figured out which way was North for my children and am now a full-custody father. Not an easy feat in a conservative state.

Fast forward to present day. I re-connected, after quite some time on my own for personal growth and recovery, with girl from high school. We literally had no communication in those 20+ years since HS and then, well - we hit it off. I'm not a foolish guy and am fairly insightful into relationships. My guard was up and I have yet to give my full trust.

I know this is MB. I know this is a forum for marriages. I already know the replies that will come, the 2x4's. I know I don't have as much credence as a married person. I was married and gave it my all; Plan A like crazy, Plan B and then I just woke up and realized it was not what I wanted.

Present day is I now live with my girlfriend. I know, don't do it, shouldn't have done it, etc. At the time, I fell in love, deeply in love and there were a lot of other issues and concerns that made sense for both of us. We clicked and have had very few issues, only one argument - and spend as much time with one another as possible.

Long story longer; she's in touch with some ex-boyfriends of hers. I'm no [censored] after what I went through and I've snooped. It wasn't hard, I just watched her type her passwords here and there. For the last year, I've paid attention. The communication with two ex BF's in particular have worried me. They both are nowhere near where we are but the dialogue is troubling. With one of the guys, he's all over her, but she says she's happy with me and basically, he had his chance. She does say "i miss you" and "love, Jane Doe" but it's never gone past that. They talk here and there on the phone and I'm aware of it. She's not transparent about it and doesn't know that I look at the phone bills.

The 2nd dude is from another coast and she dated him for awhile. She keeps up with him via FB, every 3 months or so with a simple, "miss you, thinking of you, sexy". I don't think they talk on the phone (I haven't noticed). She may call them both from work.

So, here I am with my trust gone again. I'm careful not to compare her with my ex, but it does trigger some bad juju.

We've had minimal dialogue about it. I did bring it up to her about the dude on the other coast and she was caught. "Wasn't he a boyfriend?"..."he was never a boyfriend..."...but I know they had sexual relations. I told her that wasn't cool with me, she apologized and said she didn't mean to hurt my feelings - the usual BS.

I don't know how to face this. I don't want to get married and it may take me some time to reach that point again. But, we are very close, have lived together for 15 months now and most days, most months are wonderful. She adores me (it's genuine) but then it seems she reaches back to her past life to get a "high" of sorts.

I know what the responses will be; get away, run, don't say another word pack her stuff...etc. It's not that easy and I wish it were. I'm not so wrapped up in her that I don't have the fortitude to check out - my kids come first.

But, I want to give her the chance to right herself, know it doesn't feel good at all.

How do I talk to her about those issues without her blowing a fuse that I've invaded her privacy, etc.

I'm not sure advice I'm looking for, I just need someone(s) to hear me out and offer some respectful advice.

Thanks for your time.

I lived with my fiance for the year before we got married, so I won't be throwing any stones. It was the best decision I ever made.

However, I do think it's a possibility that your girlfriend is keeping in touch with these two guys as a fall back. If you two break up, she has back up.

If I were her, and you said I couldn't email with two guys I used to date, or had sex with, and yet at the same time, you didn't want to marry me.... Well, I might be a little annoyed. It may seem to me that you wanted all the benefits of marriage without actually doing it.

Of course you aren't about to propose to someone who is still chatting with ex-lovers. That would be insane.

So maybe what you need to do is have a bigger conversation about what you want from the relationship right now, where you see it going, what needs to happen to get it to where you want it to go etc. Maybe you can address privacy levels in this conversation. Since you're not married or even engaged, you don't have quite the same entitlements that a spouse does.

Green, thank you for your input.

We do talk about marriage quite a bit actually, it's very comfortable dialogue. We just don't want to get married where we are right now and neither one of us is in a rush. We love one another very much. I can understand your point and I suppose there's details lost when you try and summarize your life.

I do want to have a mature discussion with her about it; our pasts are what make us who we are for sure, even the relationships we had.

She's basically the step-mother to my two children; my ex checked out and is an EOW weekend mother at best. So, we are serious and have a lot vested with one another.

I'm just fearful of the conversation itself. Yes, I don't have the same entitlements as a married individual and that I understand, but I do feel like there's a level of trust we have to have with one another.

I offer her all the time my passwords to things and say "I have nothing to hide.." and she says "I have nothing to hide either"...but she does I suppose.

Thank you and thank you again. I know this is one of the least traveled threads and if I posted elsewhere I'd probably get booted because I'm not married.

I think regardless if you�re married or dating seriously there are boundaries. And chatting it up with old beaus is definitely crossing the boundaries. It�s at least extremely disrespectful to you.
I would have a serious sit-down with her. Tell her your feelings, tell her everything. Be completely honest about where you see the two of you in the future. And make her understand that talking to ex acquaintances is very, very un-cool.
If she has �fallbacks� then she is not totally committed to going the distance with you any way. You might as well put it out there for her.

TTF, thanks so much. I appreciate your time and response. We are serious and enjoy one another immensely. I honestly this isn't her using these two as fall-backs, I think it makes her feel somewhat singular and allows her relive those times when she was dating. I know she doesn't want to be together with either of them, I believe she just enjoys the high of it.

I will have to sit down with her and tell her my boundaries. I feel very disrespected and it sucks and I don't want to go down the path of my ex where she wronged me, apologized, I forgave and then it would happen again.

This is touchy. Two years ago, I would have said of course she should be able to keep up with old friends. I have for years...never even entertained the idea of an affair...furtherest thing from my mind.

Then, my marriage soured, hit a low patch, whatever you want to call it. Life gets in the way....and SUDDENLY, these harmeless conversations took on a whole new light. If I had had strong EP's in place, I wouldn't have had an affair. I would have realized my marriage was failing and tried to fix it. But this was easier......

Now, you are not married and you are totally in love...so, it is not a problem NOW. Before you get married or even when you have those discussions, you need to discuss extra ordinary precautions in the general sense....for both of you because everyone is hardwired for an affair and you don't know what your boundaries are until they are really tested.

Kinda like those pesky moles we get from too much sun....totally benign but, left unattended....cancer

I'm not here to cast stones either, but this does prove that living together doesn't always work like you'd think...basically you're riding the fence, wanting commitment from her without offering full commitment between the two of you...it just doesn't work like that. Living together seems to promote insecurity. It's the thinking that you could always leave or find someone else if it doesn't work out instead of focusing on making it work and giving it your all. That said, I think the two of you are overdue for a heart to heart talk. You need to discuss what seeing each other exclusively means to each of you. If you can't come to agreement on this issue, you should part. It's unfortunate that the children are now in a relationship with her because that's going to make it harder on them.

Does she fully understand what you've been through and how it affects you and that her talking to exes is a trigger for you? If not, she needs to be made aware of that.

I feel for you, this is a sticky situation.

BND, Do you really need all her passwords? Considering that you aren't married, her passwords may unlock not only her email, but also all her financial information and accounts.

I was very up front with Mike when we got engaged about where I stood financially, but even then, I didn't turn over passwords. I didn't want to start combining accounts until we were actually married.

What if you got a committment from her not to email those two men any more? Would that be enough?

Also, regarding figuring out the passwords... I'm a little uneasy about that simply because it could give you access to all kinds of stuff you don't have a right to.

Another poster mentioned how there are boundaries in all levels of romantic relationships. If a boyfriend hacked into my email, that would violate a boundary, and I would probably reconsider whether I'd keep seeing that person.

It may also be appropriate to state here that different people have different needs for privacy that are innate. I'm a pretty private person IRL, but that doesn't mean I'm hiding an affair. Because of your ex, you may need someone who doesn't have an innate need lots of privacy, someone who thinks it's great if you read her journal or the emails she sends her best friends.

Obviously, the emails from your girlfriend to her one guy friend are sending off alarm bells, so that's a little different. ....

As KayC said, it's tricky because you're not fish or fowl.

Gosh, thanks for all the input and sorry for the delay. Life tends to move rather quickly!

Anyway - to clarify some things, I don't have all her passwords, especially when it comes to finances. We have separate accounts but share money and obligations living together with no problems. In two years we've never argued or had a contentious moment about money - and that's a relief. We help one another out and never keep score.

We are engaged but we don't have solid plans to marry mostly because all of our family is on the other coast and we don't want to do it here. We are in a committed relationship and exclusive and with that I believe there are boundaries that should not be crossed, married or not.

She is in contact with one of her ex boyfriends more than the other. I am fairly confident she would never want that to materialize again as he's a trainwreck of a man. With that said, it makes me uncomfortable and unable to give full trust because I know he's constantly emailing, texting and calling with the tone "we need to get back together, why are you with him, what about our memories...and so forth". She typically replies "those were good times and we had fun..." but she never sends responses that she's going to get up and leave here for there.

I guess more than anything I feel that because of her inability to let go, it's a form of cake-eating. I think she seeks out their attention because her life has changed from independent to that of a step-mom.

I know this relationship, especially on MB, does not carry anything close to the credence it would were I married. I understand that fully. However, this is a very spouse-like relationship, long-term and we have a lot vested in one another and our future. I just want to know how to safely move forward while setting my boundaries. No, I don't want to confront her and tell her I know all about her communications and quite frankly, snooping does make it feel like I'm completely violating her privacy. However, because of my past, I'm completely wary of trusting someone and this punctuates and triggers the same crap I went through with my ex.

thank you for listening, sincerely.

You absolutely can't trust her. She will spin into a mid life crisis and run off with one of these losers to go and "find herself".

It sounds like she is keeping you or him as a backup plan, and is not committed to either one of you.

It seems you are still dating the same type of women. XWW serial cheater.

This new girl refusing to end all contact with XBF's is a warning that she will be doing to you what your XWW did.

Full time dating is what you are doing there is no commitment here. You both are renters not buyers.

Ditch the beeitch go to IC to learn why your are still being drawn like a moth to a flame to the wrong type of women.

I agree. Something is wrong when you have full commitment (supposedly) but one is still in communication with exBFs. I think it's time for honest communication even if it means blowing your cover and even if it means breaking up...perhaps that would be the best thing in the long run, you don't want a repeat of your marriage!

If she's lying to you by ommission or just plain lying about her communication with other men, you have a problem.

Regarding your engagement, I can understand if you don't have an exact date set because it's hard to plan a wedding from the opposite coast, but you have a general idea? If not, it would seem to me symptomatic of a problem. Weddings can take a year to plan if you want all the bells and whistles. But not being able to say "we're getting married spring of 2012" or the like would be troubling.