@scotland....we are not getting 15+ hrs though we do try. We are having fun togther...but after the fun I feel like I pull myself away....not wanting to give too much....and not wanting to risk too much. It is the 6th mo mark for me and I do feel myself getting more angry....and him less patient. When I pull away...he just pulls back....doesn't seem to really try, just leaves me alone. I told him that he shouldn't do that, that I probably need him more at that moment. right now I am pissed at him. He actually told me that he feels that his emotional needs, (sex)I should be more accomodating when he is in the mood and I am not....that I should let him take care of himself....I told him the road went both ways, he said I thought that's how it was going....I said not at this moment.....uuuuggghhhh....I still see alot of selfishness in him....don't know if I can live with that....really don't know if I can or want to.....

I am not going to convince you to go either way, I am going to tell you that I am CERTAIN that others who recovered SUCCESSFULLY had some of these same feelings. You are like an infant in MB terms where you are still learning how to crawl. It takes time. I am CERTAIN that you are going to have a roller coaster ride of emotions for some time to come.

I asked about the 15+ hours because they are really important. You two should actually be doing more like 20 hours until you have recovered and then 15 hours to maintain. And it can't be just the two of you sitting watching TV, you need to do things that meet those 4 ENs.

I now there are other people who have gone through the same things as you and can offer you some great advice. Have you ever looked on the recovery forum? I know that it is a lot slower over there but there is also some stories of recovery and a lot of helpful advice there. It is a long hard road, but I have been told that it IS worth it. Keep strong.

broken,

I had many of the same feelings. My H had prostate cancer diagnosed about 3 weeks after d-day, and then had surgery for that about two months later. So we went a full year or maybe more without any SF in our marriage, during our recovery time, not even knowing if SF would ever be in the cards for us again.

So my greatest fear was that the OW might be his last SF experience......thank God that turned out not to be the case.

the anger you have toward him is normal. I am coming up on the 5 year d-day mark right now. I still have days where I am angry at what he did, and how that has impacted me, us, on a daily basis.

I still wonder, "WHY?" sometimes.

The difference is that at first I wondered every day, every hour, maybe every minute.


Now, it comes in flashes.


You will see this improve, as you two work things through. The recovery patterns are fairly common, so that makes them somewhat predictable. The six-month mark seems to be a rough time, from 6-9 months it's hard for the BS, because the WS seems to feel like the time is right for moving on....and the BS feels like the hard work has just really begun because the initial shock is just wearing off!

This brings me to explaining recovery timelines. It is important for you both to understand that the BS has one recovery timeline, with a somewhat predictable pattern, and the WS also has a recovery timeline, with a pattern of its own.

The two spouses are not on the same pattern, nor the same timeline!

So where you are right now - recovered from the initial shock, reaching the point of being able to understand the amount of work to be done, sorting out the type of work that really needs to be addressed, and just now evaluating the roles of each spouse in this recovery process.....and beginning to look forward at the pathway ahead for your personal growth and change, and that of you two as a couple...........


Your husband is now looking at the present and saying that he is happy to have things more settled at home, is resting assured that he has weathered a firestorm that could have lost his marriage, and he is trying to maintain that delicate balance. Meanwhile, he is trying to understand what he has done "right" so far, while at the same time not tipping the apple cart (in his own mind) by over analyzing the affair and bringing it up too much, trying to look at the future and making things in the marriage focus there, and at the same time trying to figure out how to ease your pain and not make it worse with his own behaviors.......


Only - - - - -

What the WS usually has not figured out at this point is that the hardest work is only NOW beginning. This is really the time when the deeper understanding comes in, the day to day grind of the "normal" begins to creep back in


and you CANNOT ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN.

Because the "normal" is when you fall back into old patterns

and when you stop evaluating one another's emotional needs frequently

and stop focusing on understanding how these ENs change -


My guess is that you two need to take another look at them. Because at the start of recovery, you had certain needs. Now, you have different needs. Go back to the ENs, and talk about them AGAIN. They change!!!!

Always go back to the basics.


And remember that this recovery thing takes a long time. You can expect ups and downs. It is a learning thing.

SB

SB...I told my husband the very same thing about EN's. I had just told him that it has changed, for me at least and that we should sit down and do them again. I suggested we do it every few months, or when we feel we need too.
Sometimes I catch myself wondering if all this heart ache is worth it. I have good days, then I find myself thinking "he is already over it, how can he function the way he does" and I get mad. Why are the makeup of Men so different than ours? Why are these steps so easy for them? Besides the fact that they are the one's who did the hurting, not the one's who got hurt....I still find myself with alot of bitterness....right along with alot of happiness.....how can that be??? I have been trying really hard to make it all happy but them pesky little thoughts find their way in....and I battle them all the time. Sometimes I win.....Most times I win....sometimes the fight is just alittle longer....it's really quite exhausting....It is getting better though...I think....maybe it is time to move this into the recovery room....I have been reading posts in there too that have helped....amazing....the post sound like they were typed from right here....the feelings are spot on....anyway...still a work in progress....

Broken, you need to understand that for your WH, he KNEW all along. You didn't. Also, his worst nightmare was that you would leave. Since that hasn't happened, he is relieved. It's not right, it just IS.

You sound much better. I have read that the roller coaster ride will be a lot less frequent. Just keep doing what you are doing. Let time heal you.

Do you ever think that the decision you made was wrong?? that you should have stayed in the safety of what you had....Sometimes that feeling overcomes me so much and I just want to run....so why don't I???? What is it that keeps me here?

Broken, you are around 6months mark in recovery. It is quite common then to have anger and doubts. I had. And I had them also around 1year mark.

But it does not mean it cannot get better. I did get better.

To run is not a solution, that's why you haven't done it.

Thank you all for letting this place be a sounding board for me. I think I know all of these answers deep down inside...I just have to voice them....and it's good to read the advice...it grounds me. This is absolutely the most difficult thing I have had to encounter and go thru....some days it is just so hard...but I am all in all doing well...and we have come a long way.....Thank you all for your support