On your weekends, be the mom. On WH's weekends, sit on the other side, and let him struggle with being mom and dad

just like YOU DO THE ENTIRE REST OF THE TIME.

Your Plan B is for you. It is also to give your WH a healthy dose of what the world means in divorce land, without you being there to meet any of his emotional needs, which includes helping him get the kids anywhere, etc.

The consequences the children suffer from being late to football (or anything else) while they are with him will be thrust upon

your WAYWARD HUSBAND. The children will be angry with WH. They will tell him about it, and the truth is that this is a real part of how divorces work. WH has to understand this, and your kids will let him know. Ultimately, your kids and their father must learn to work as a team together - or not - because the way things stand you are NOT THERE to run in and save everyone from each other.

These are the consequences of the affair. YOU did not make this happen. It IS painful. It IS hard. It will make you feel guilty, and it will make the kids have a rough time.

It may also put pressure on the affair, and it may teach the children how to advocate for themselves with their father, which is something they will need if this affair does not stop - or if Plan B lasts a long time.

You cannot run interference - it will break you down, and you will lose your love for him.

Let the kids and the dad work these issues out. As much as it hurts everyone, sometimes it might have to hurt to learn.


I know your concern is "does WH care?" when it comes to what activities the kids are in, if they are late, etc. That may be valid. Your answer will be down the line, and the only way to know is to let this play out on its own.

The cost of affairs.....


IMHO,
SB

Exactly what SB said.

As far as what to say to the kids when they pass messages from WH, it remains the same everytime. Just say, "If Daddy wants to discuss anything with me, he knows what to do, talk to Uncle Jay, wanna play canasta?" Okay, I need to admit, I don't actually know HOW to play canasta, just thought it would be funny to say.

The football games are of course taking a toll on you. You are HUMAN. Have you given any thought to someone else taping it for you, or even just hearing a recap later?

Thanks SB and Scotty,

I'm so thankful for everyone's advice and sometimes I feel I'm a slow learner around here. I wonder if Dr. Harley does counseling for the BS despite the absence of WH?

I'm always worrying about my kids and their issues, but I rarely get to talk with anyone about what bothers me on a daily basis with all this. I'm so glad to have marriage builders.

Last night, on our Christian radio station, they did a theme on "who's saved your life?" All these callers called in talking about different people who rescued them. I didn't call, but Marriage builders immediately came to my mind. This site saved me from drowning!!! I believe God is my salvation ultimately, but he also sent me here for support and guidance....I really believe that.

Is it weird that I've been having dreams about WH? I've had about two vivid dreams where he comes to me and tells me that he loves me and wants to make our marriage work. He's willing do try anything because it's in the best interest of our family. I literally wake up excited at the prospect....then my mind clears and I realize that it was a dream. Just like when I was a kid and would have a nightmare....when you wake, you're relieved that it's all a dream. But with this type of dream, I'm disappointed that it is not real.

The sad thing? My WH never spoke to me with such care and concern as he did in these dreams. He never did anything for me unless he had an ulterior motive. He would be so obviously nice....and I would think, "wait for it wait for it"...then as predicted, WH would say, "I'm going to the lake this weekend." or "I need to go to the deer lease."

Ok pity party over....update on my weight loss? I've lost 12 more pounds. I love the attention and comments from so many people at work and church. I can't wait to get to my goal. I bought new scales today!!! My kids broke my other ones. I'm really learning alot about emotional eating. When I hear something about WH, I want to go eat a hamburger or something else awful. I start thinking about why I want these things? Do I eat to live or do I live to eat? I ask myself that when I want to eat the wrong things. 25 lbs seems so far away...I want to lose that before Thanksgiving, but I don't know if it's a resonable expectation.

I think it is, given that that's over a month and a half away. Exercise a lot, lose more than you think so you can have more turkey.

The safe way to lose weight is 1-2 pounds a week. It also means that you would have lifestyle changes so it will last. It's a good thing that you aren't Canadian, because our Thanksgiving is on Monday.

It is completely NORMAL that you would be dreaming about your WH. That is a part of the problem with the contact you have had with him. Your mind is on him and your sub conscious is giving you exactly what you want. I always seem to dream about WH more after I have had some sort of contact(remember, WH hasn't seen me in 6 months). When I saw contact, I mean someone has told me something about him, I heard his voice on Saturday when I was talking to DS10 or when I break and look at him when he picks up the boys.

Take care.

Good morning MB friends,

I'm happy to announce that it's Saturday!! I'm getting ready to go to football games and clean my house. We had a full night last night with practices, pep-rallys, and wrapping houses for my boys' cheerleaders.

My children are out for Monday and Tuesday,so I'm taking off too. There is no one to watch them and with their behavior as of late, I can't let DD14 watch all of them; it will never work. I'm just taking the days. Maybe I can get alot of things done I still need to pack up a lot of WH's things; I wish it was all out of here.

I've now gone 4 weeks with only 1 starch a day. I can't tell you how difficult this has been, but it's getting easier as I go. I've resolved myself to veggies and meat. I've got to find a way to exercise.

Way to go HopeE. You're inspiring me!

Sounds like those kiddos are keeping you hopping. That's a good thing at times and then other times... well. Just remember they grow up FAST. You're gonna blink and they'll be gone. It happened to me. I looked up and my baby (out of four) was 25. Yikes!

Like I told Holy on her thread... keep on keepin' on. Looks like you're gonna make it after all (said to the tune of that old Mary Tyler Moore show.)

("Love is All Around" by Paul Williams) - Mary Tyler Moore Show Lyrics

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it

Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all

How will you make it on your own?
This world is awfully big, girl this time you're all alone
But it's time you started living
It's time you let someone else do some giving

Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all

Well, I had a great day today getting back to school. Actually, I enjoyed being with my kids for a long weekend!!! I lost 7 more pounds on Tuesday morning...yeah. I'm now only 40lbs away from my goal.

I know one thing...people at work say that they've never seen me so confident as I have been in the last months. Someone said something to me..and it's stuck. "As long as you realize that God will be the same no matter what the outcome, you'll be fine." He's never left me, cheated on me, or abandoned my children.

I'm ready to be filled up

Bravo to you!

Thanks ML,

I've got a new wind.

Yeah!!!! Congrats!!!!



Blah, I'm not sure I could be that strict; good for you.


I pretty much stick to salads and faux meat, boring but it works for me.



Get a hyper dog; I am given no choice - 30 minutes brisk walk early morning and again in evening.

HopeE, CONGRATS. Insert all of MM's excellent smileys and add some of Still's too.

Keep dark and stay strong.

So I have a question?? Why do so many people have a problem with the emotional need of "physical attraction"? I get so much negative feedback about mentioning that my weight was an issue for my husband. I recognize it and believe it to be legitimate.

However, many of my friends, relatives think it's wrong. Where do you draw the line on attraction. If you have babies and and stretch marks, pudgy tummy and loose skin...then what? How far do you go to make yourself look great?

I think this obesity is one of the last accepted things to make fun of in America. It is part of TV culture. I am a BBW and my husband is arracted to women who are softer and rounder.
He is not the average guy. Lots of men want what they perceive as real the tv beauty who is airbrushed etc. My real estate agent actually told me her exH, would not allow her to be friends with overweight women. It might rub off.

Your friends and family, love you for you. I know mine don't see my body, they see my spirit and soul, I am sure it is the same for your family and friends as well. They see the gifts of yourself you have given to your husband, children, emotional support, following him from career to career and think he should accept you for the beautiful person you are, not the Physical body.

When my WH and I first started dating, when I was 16, I was a size L. We were involved in a car accident(a drunk driver drove through a stop sign on St Patty's Day) and I was unable to walk for 6 months. I went to physio for 2 years. I started to put on weight. My weight increased. Then I noticed something in my WH too. He started finding BBW's attractive. He told me that it was because he was in love with ME. He never mentioned that my weight was a problem until after the ILYBNILWY speech.

My family would mention that they were concerned about me, I was morbidly obese. I have lost 90 pounds in a year, and still need to lose at least 100 more. I was in a size 5X.

BUT.

There are other parts of you that are PA. You see, my WH LOVES long dark hair. A few years ago, I had to cut my hair short(I fried my hair stripping it too often to put colour in it) and I decided to change to RED(and I mean RED) hair. He HATED it. I am NOT excusing my WH A, but he met OW shortly after that. She had blond hair, but now dyes it black. Hmmmmm.

Also, I didn't really care about what I wore anymore. As long as it fit, I bought it. I never felt good in the clothes I wore. Well, that has changed now. I only buy things that I feel SPECTACULAR in.

I had even changed the perfume I wore.

After the ILYBNILWY speech, I dyed my hair back to dark brown, I stared wearing the perfume again, and I have changed the way I dress. That was before I found MB.

These are all things that are part of PA. So, it isn't always about weight.

I know that a lot of people outside of MB believe in unconditional love. We have learned that UL is DANGEROUS.

It is just another thing that you have learned that makes you more special than the rest of the world.

Now, if you are losing weight to try to entice your WH back(which I don't think so) than THAT would be a problem.

I was losing weight before the A went down because of my diagnosis with diabetes...but one of his comments before leaving was too little too late. Then, I dropped several more pounds just from the stress alone. I stalled a bit over the summer and now I'm dropping weight weekly with this new program. I'm 216 now and I want to be 200 by Thanksgiving and 175 before the summer. I plan on going on a cruise in my new body.

It's been for me mostly, but also if WH does come home again...at least I would be a jump ahead on meeting his needs. It's mostly been about weight for him, but of course it affected other areas of our needs. I just know Dr. Harley's example in HNHN under physical attraction is all about weight.

I remember my WH asking me to do exercises to firm my breasts. I was 21 and I've never had perky breasts.....I'm big breasted and my girls have always sagged....even then. I don't think anything can fix that other than surgery.

I always had very large breasts and always wanted a reduction. After d-day, I did it. I have never regretted it, and the fact is, I did it FOR ME.

Before d-day, I had always worried about what my H might think or say. After that, I decided that if he worried so much about that one aspect of my body, then changing it would neither keep him married to me nor make him leave - if that was the one and only thing keeping us together, then we were pretty much doomed. When he and I talked about my wishes to have the surgery, he said that it was my choice, and that

if my breasts were the only thing keeping us married, we were in huge trouble


so we thought the same on it.


I think that PA is more than one feature. I think it is a global thing for people, and that it combines with other things. It might be an initial thing that draws one person toward another in a crowd. In the end, if you are not a shallow person, you are truly drawn to another person for a host of features, not just how they look.

Otherwise, the moment they aged, or gained/lost a pound, broke a leg, or cut their hair, or got a wrinkle, would that relationship be over?

Hey HopeE, just checking in to see how you are doing. Hope all is good.

RL:

Were did you get this?

PA as an EN is just as valid as the [censored] sitting on thier butt hoping for more FS, or affection, or conversation, or DS.

And my extended family can love me for my sprirt and soul. THEY don't have to see me naked. My spouse DOES. And if I found out the PA was high EN for my spouse, than I should work to meet that need.

Scotty mentioned the path that she is on. She realized that she made some mistakes. SB points out that if THAT is all that made this marriage blow up, then that is pretty shaky ground to be on. But it is all part of the proverbial camels back. It can break the back, and if addressed, it can help repair the back....

JMVHO

LG

RL, are you familiar with the emotional needs section of Marriage Builders? Many people do have the emotional need of physical attractiveness in order to feel romantic love. It is not a matter of choice, we are just wired that way. Some folks need to feel physically attracted to their partners in order to feel romantic love. It is no more shallow that any other EN, such as affection, etc. Our appearance is as much a part of us as our character and for some it is key.