He needs a real man to answer to for awhile. Your Dad busy? Ha ha sorry.

How about a good counselor to make him fess up and tow the line, one that could call him on any Bull.... I know I heard of this guy, Dr. Harley.

I got another novel idea, how about you tell H that he needs to talk and work with the Dr. before you even consider reconsiliation, and refuse to communicate with him until it is proven he has. Also verified by Dr, Harley.


Theres a novel idea...wish someone had thought of it before.

Ok Im done good nite Harmony, you are in good hands here.

Three session minimum one on one with Steve. Steve's very, very good, but this H needs an intensive course.

Hi Guys

Just checking in all quiet on the western front. So much better having the lock on the door.

I spoke to Mum yesterday and she said I sounded a bit flat, I said I am ok, just getting on with things. She asked if I had heard anything from H, and I said not a peep, then she said oh thats a good thing. Then my mum went onto say Harmony, he has probably got someone else to keep him occupied for awhile and as soon as that doesn't give him what he needs he will be back. That hurt but probably the truth.

Again, had another vivid dream last night. That H came and took the rest of his stuff from the house and more, and he had rented some posh apartment. I found an email from some OW to him about how much she loved him. I went to see him and I could see him unpacking his stuff in his new flat and saw me! Horrible. I wish these dreams would stop! It takes me a few hours in the morning to recover.

I think some of this dreams shows how paranoid I am about how things were before the A, and how he said I never loved him enough and was always unsure. Maybe thats why in the dream I felt so awful when I saw the OW email to him, giving to him what I never gave enough of.

Thanks for your post Constant. It was really good. There were many things that rang true.

If I look back to pre A, I always felt never quite good enough, in the sense that he made me feel that I didn't love him enough or dote enough. I was also unsure about him. I remember enjoying his company but then he would do or say something that would create this question mark. I think it stemmed from the fact that he always pushed for the commitment. I remember after dating for a short period I was going to buy a house on my own. I had just come out of a long relationship and wanted to take things slow. Anyway H spoke to his mother (??!) and she thought it was weird and he agreed with her, and he gave me an ultimatum, buy it together or its over. So we bought it together.

The whole thing gives me the shudders. Ofcourse that was held against me for a long time.



It is weird but I do believe he has some issues that run deep, here are some of the things over the years:

* He was always ill, either self inflicted or injury ect..He would milk it to the max. My friends use to joke whats up with him this time, have you got to put your Florence out fit back on? That was so tedious.
* The uncontrollable rages, they started really early on. We must have been dating for a few weeks and he called me by his ex GF names but really shouted it in a angry way. I remember him raging at his Dad, who is in his 70s and I thought thats a bit weird. His Dad never stood upto him. When I first moved into his place he had this big tantrum that I wasm messing up his house.
* The different faces for different people, always putting this image to others that he ran round after me, behind the scenes could not be further from the truth.
* The way he spoke about women, he always called them vile or other horrible names. There were not many women he liked including a few of my friends.
* How he disregarded my feelings or in the end I gave him communicating how I felt as there would be a big reaction.
* Sex life - there was no connection more like sex than making love. I don't think he considered me much...

Even if I look back to how he reacted when he found out about the A, the following weekend he took a girl away for a long weekend to some romantic B&B.

I have to say though that H found all my emails between me and OM. Which must have been horrendous. I was in a bad place and a lot of the emails at the start were how I felt about OM and were flirty and sexual, then later on they were about how upset I was about my H constant rejection, IB and suspected OW. I convinced myself OM was emotional support, wrong I know.

Yes he does believe he is god gifts, only last weekened when we were in bed together i said to him why have you come here you have others you can go to? He said I know Ihave lots of women, but you are so irresistable, puke........................

WAKE UP HARMONY

I know it, I can see it, so why do I get these pangs...

There were so many red flags early on. I should have had better boundaries in place from the beginning.

Don,t beat yourself up to much. I am glad you can see things clearer now. Now you can also see that it might take some time seperate from him to get yourself healthy and seeing beyond. Triggers and habits and all.

You were just responding the way most women do when men threaten either outwardly or suggestively, you try to fix it by making up the difference, compensating, going the extra mile, being understanding. That kind of emotional abuse goes for men too.

"He said I know Ihave lots of women, but you are so irresistable..." OMG, he doesn't get it in the least does he? This is about marriage, not a female playground. I don't think he would know a gift if he had it.

Ok so have a good weekend and do something with your friends. Remember it is OK and time will be your friend as you seperate yourself from the drama.

Like JL said, he had to kiss a few frogs before he found his wife, you will put this behind as lessons learned someday.

Its what your used to, and its amazing what we can get used to...

Hi All

Had a lovely time up in London last night at a friends birthday party. It was great to see the girls. A couple of them knew I was separated but some of the others didnt know. They asked what was going on and I just said that H and I were separated. They asked lots of questions like where has he gone, where is he staying. I just said I didnt know and then I changed the subject.

One of the girls had got engaged, and I was really happy for her. They were all getting excited about the wedding and the whole proposal thing. I was excited for her, but for me I just thought I get so much more excited about a couple who have been together a long time and support each other through thick and thin. So much emphasis now is put on the 'big day', sometimes I feel is just becomes a big show for everyone.

It was good to get out and JL is right that I need to get out there and live and I feel so much better about things.

I was driving home this morning from London, and drove past my H sat in his truck. He looked really miserable and not great at all. He didn't see me thank goodness. I felt weird after seeing him, and again some reassurance that he is ok.

He came back to the house this morning whilst I was out, I expect he wasn't too happy that I wasn't home and had been out the night. Oh well.

Still no contact from him, good he knows I am serious.

Harmony,
Isn't it great to just get out again and feel alive even it's just for a night, to even think of something else for a change......
You are doing great and moving on with your life, baby steps.......have some fun if you can......while doing this......
Don't worry about what is happening to him Harmony, remember this is the way he CHOSE it to be........we can't try to make sense of someone else's decisions.....
He has to do his self reflection and hopefully he will come out a better man for it. Until that happens for him nothing will change.....
Work on yourself and being the best you............
you will come out a happier woman ready to move onto the rest of her life in a positive fulfilling way............

Hi All

Had a good weekend, a bit low again today coming back to the house yesterday.

I think its more about the realisation that I am going to be 35 in a few weeks time.

I am not really sure what choice I have appart from ending this marriage. How much more time can I waste by sitting here waiting for him to return remorseful, commited to MB program and willing to change certain behaviours?

I know I have deeply hurt him and made some hideous mistakes. I also know how much I have learnt about what makes a good relationship and what I need from a partner. I just think I am asking someone who does not want to change or learn to do so.

I don't feel any anger towards him, I went through that last week, I just feel I want us both to be happy, appart or together.

For the first time, I also feel worried that he will stop fence sitting once I am out the door, and by then it will be too late my heart would have closed. That he will never be capable of giving me what I need.

I suppose I am a bit daunted by it all, and I know it will fall in my lap to sort it all out. Daunted by the divorce, agreement of splitting the financial assets and cutting him out of my life forever. I am really really scared of divorce!

I want to have a satisfying commited loving relationship, and I want to have a family, and I can't do all that married to someone who is living with someone else.

I would appreciate peoples thoughts.

Thank you

Harmony

Harmony, you don't have to decide to or not to get divorced right now. Now is the time to work on you, without peering into the darkness of the past or trying to glimpse what terrors the future might hold.

Now is the time to weave your strengths into a coherent life, weaving your strengths most tightly in those areas where they can guard against your weaknesses. Stop defining yourself as what you were and start defining yourself as what you are today.

What are your hopes and dreams? What are you really good at? What are you really bad at? I know you said you want a family -- is there a way you could ease that yearning by working with or for children? What other yearnings do you have? What activities make you "lose time" where you look up and think "wow, I can't believe it's been three hours." Those are your passions.

Living your passions will lift you out of your pain and fear.

Get out the yellow pad...and start living it.

Hello Harmony,

here are my thoughts. I truly understand your impatience that you sort of 'have to' end your M now. You see your 35th birthday coming, you want to have a child and deep down you also _know_ that your H is not a husband or a father material, at least you think that this knowledge is going to prove itself now and later over and over again, and for your goal to be a mom, you think that there is not much time left to stall the decision. I don't know if this will be some encouragement or not, but people can have children in their forties, too.

People stop fence sitting in the moment the whole situation will grow painful enough for them. Your everyday life proves that your H's life is not painful enough for him just yet, and you don't actually know whether it will be at all. You are afraid that it won't.

JL said - I think it was him - that for a future relationships to succeed you need to be alone for a while. I think you know that, too, and I think you think that this Plan B of yours is what you think is your time alone. You seem to be in a hurry and we all understand your reason. But I also think that deep down you have already made your decision, you just don't have it in you to put it on the paper yet. I think you're afraid just because that you have to make the decision alone.

You need to make the decision not for your H, but for you. He is not in the same boat with you. Set a date for your decision, for example you will wait until the new year. During the time left make the perfect plan B, try to put on the paper how your future will look like without him, and what will you do for yourself to become the whole person again.

Do you have a chance to talk to some of your good friends or parents about this decision of yours (whatever and whenever it will be)?

Harmony,
It's okay to feel scared, this is a new way of thinking for you and it is scary to make decisions just for you........but in a little while you will think about how great those decision are going to be for you, you will find peace and a new zest for life that you probably haven't felt for a long time......
I think you start by looking at everyone and everything differently, really look, see the good in everything and everyone......
You have been stuck so long you probably don't even realize how many great people are out there......enjoy your new life, one day at a time.....for what it is ........
I started doing something nice for someone every day, random things, I received great pleasure in seeing a smile on someone's face.....simple things, helping someone with a bag of groceries.....buying a coffee.......providing a ride......opening a door........I tried to think of someone else for a moment or two every day.......it has helped me .................volunteer, give back......

Hiya Niitse

Thanks for your response, ya know it makes a lot of sense.



Your right deep down I know what the right thing is to do, I am just not ready to do it yet as the bed does not feel cold, he has only been gone 3 weeks. I also have to be sure, that he is not willing to change.

I will tell you the basis for my decision on divorce. My H does not like to look in the mirror and accept his faults at the best of times, and really does not feel he needs to change. So on that basis if he does come back and want me, I have tosee some change as in the past things that have actually happened include:

1. Physical violence
2. Emotional abuse - name calling, push pulling, punishment, intimidation,
3. Mother issues - dependancy, adopting her behav, not emotionally detached
4. Serial affairs - 4 thats I know of
5. Alchohol issues
6. Independant Behaviour - golf, work ect..

Need I go on? I can't sweep these things under the carpet, I have to accept this is part of who he is. Please anyone who thinks I could be wrong let me know. I just think its too big a mess.

I have spoken to my friends and family and they are all desparate for me to file for the divorce and move on. I think they just want to see me out of this situation and they know I want to have children.

I don't have it in me right now, probably because he has only just gone but another month of no contact and I will be there.

I am going to stick to Plan B until Jan 1st.

Thanks again Niitse.

Thanks so much everyone for your words of support and encouragement.

Had some sad news today, I spoke to my Dad this morning and they are stopping his cancer treatment now as if he gets another virus/infection it could prove fatal. It is not terminal cancer, but it is still not good news. I would like him to be well enough to go out play his golf ect..but he is pretty much at home most of the time. Ofcourse when you hear things like that you realise time is precious.

I have had a think about it, and I know in my heart the right thing to do is divorce my H. I don't have to do it right now but this has gone on for so long I want to put it behind me. I am going to stay in Plan B until Jan 1st. That will be 3 months after he left the marital home.

I don't feel any desire to contact him. I almost feel feel frightened of seeing him, not because he may hit me, but because I dont want him to mess up my progress.

This is not because I am in a rush to meet another man BTW, so at some point I can have a family, its because there is no point remaining in this farce of a marriage. I just think divorce will give me some closure.

Even if H does come back, there is so much to get past, the multiple affairs, the abuse ect..Its just all too much.

Jessi -

Some days I do feel a glimpse of what life could be like and it excites the hell out of me, and your right by doing more for others takes the focus away. Ihave been doing that lately and even find that I have stopped wanting to talk to people about it. Thanks so much for continuing to post, I think you were one of the first back in July!

Seeking

Still working on that yellow pad list, have some great things planned, going to this beautiful spa with a friend, booked a skiing trip with friends for Jan, Works Xmas party, could do with some more though. Might even get a trip to meet a friend who lives in Canada. I am bit concerned about Xmas at the moment. Your right I don;t need to rush the D, I need to giv myself some breathing space.

Constant

Yeah your right about the fertility treatment, he did tell me that it was worth going to the docs and thats when they found the cyst but appart from that I remember him getting annoyed with me when I started to talk about timings and stuff. He said we are not making a bit of plasticine you know. I just suppose how long do I give Plan B, before I file for D? I have decided Jan 1st, thats only 8 weeks away.

The other thing is, I also feel that being in 'Plan B' is not really allowing me to move on. Because all the time you are in Plan B there is a possibility your H may come back seeking reconciliation and I sometimes that prolongs the pain, because if he never does then your not really going through the 'acceptance' stage of a relationship ending.

Harmony.

Harmony,

You determine the time you are in plan B. 1st of Jan. is fine, but if you have decided to do it, then why wait? The decision won't actually be easier, although the more you two are separated the easier it will be to walk away. (A good reason why separations rarely bring marriages back together.)

You have more options that you realize, so sit back and learn from life.

I am sorry to hear about your Dad. I hope that he will actually feel better without the treatments.

God Bless,

JL

Ditto.

Hi All

Still doing really well, I have this place to thank for that. Got loads of nice things planned, and booked a great ski trip in the New Year with friends.

He has been gone nearly a month now and feel really peace in my life. Enjoying spending time on my own and meeting up with friends.

Still upset at how he treated me at times, and the other side I have seen which I really dont understand at all.



I dont really know what I am waiting for. One of the things would be for him 'to see the light' and realise how much he misses me and how much I actually gave to him. Deep down I do still care for him, i am not sure I can even use the word love anymore. I just wanted it to work so much, but it all just seemed so out of my hands.

I spoke to the estate agent today to get our house sale price reduced. They said that my H was in the office yesterday as he had lost his key to our house! How typical of him, to lose his key. Anyway, the estate agent said he spoke to my H about reducing the house price and my H said he would speak to me.
I didn't like the way I felt when I thought my H had gone into the estate agent to pressure the sale of the house. My heart dropped, why did I feel like that? After all thats all I was phoning upto do?

Harmony.

Glad your feeling better,

You will be allright in time. Give yourself time.

As far as what he is up to?. I want you to be ready for anything so you can be safe and not get scared again. Why did he not barge in lately to your house when you were not home? Maybe he lost the key and does not even know you have a nighttime lock.

Again be careful and God bless Harmony

Ahhhh

not sure what's going on but feeling massively angry at the moment. Likely timed with my monthly cycle, but just feel a lot of anger.

Angry that;

I have to sell my home
At the ways things have turned out
That my H has repeatedly cheated and rejected me
That my H has put no effort into sorting out the marriage
That my H could not care less about me
That right now if memory serves me, he is in playboys paradise on another golf weekend with the boys
That he had the cheek to come round, act possessive about me when he is living with OW (don't know for sure)
that staying in touch with the OW was more important than cutting off contact to save the M
That he has not paid back the money I lent him

Is this normal? How do I get rid of this angry? I honestly can't bare the sight of him, I might kill him if I see him.

Sorry need to vent big time.

Hi Harmony,

You may be going through the process of grieving your M. Anger is the second stage of all 5. Denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I think that this is quite normal and you should view this as a process, not some sort of abnormality.

Just take good care of yourself, hold your family close and be aware that your husband is still element X in this equation, so be careful - I agree with Constant.

Have a nice weekend!