Benna: My apologies for not contacting you sooner. I still cannot submit any info through my regular e-mail because of where my computer is located and accessed. <P>Benna, New Student: I have been wondering how each of you are doing. It seems that both of you have walked the mile that I have walked and curious as to how you are holding up. I am still struggling. My spouse is still keeping his distance from me. I can feel the coolness in his touch. I can't say that I blame him, but it sure does get awfully lonely. I do my best to give him the love and attention without expecting anything in return. I figure that if he ever learns to love me like he says he did before our big blow-up, I'll be here waiting. In the meantime, I try and keep myself busy with household chores, exercise, work, reading anything to keep my mind stable. This site has helped me get whatever depressed feelings I am experiencing off my mind and get other's perspective on how to handle the sadness. Well I hope to hear from you soon. Peace and love to you both (I sound like a 60's rerun)

I haven't seen posts from New Student, so thought you may have been looking for me? Refresh my memory, but we had a talk awhile back about confessing or not confessing. I'm not sure what state your marriage is in right now. Last I heard, you had decided not to confess and you were going to do your best to work on your marriage problems. Part of the dilemma involved in deciding whether to confess is that you will never really know if he suspects or not. You may wonder for a long time if his distance is caused by that. However, I do seem to remember that this was happening before your affair? <P>

Thestudent: You are right, I was looking for you. I still have not confessed to my spouse and as I said awhile back, I don't ever plan to tell him. If he suspects, he's not telling me about it. I recently had a blood test and it came out clean except for cholesterol level. He knows about it, but thinks I had blood drawn for a different reason. I am in a bad place right now. Last evening was trying for me. I have been seriously thinking about ending my life. I can't take much more of this. I have been a loner all of my life and pretty much took care of whatever needs I had including having affairs. But now my life is in a deep valley with me (according to others) being the cause. I am going to post new. Maybe then you will understand what I am going through and maybe help me find some light in all of this.

sobeit, i don't know you but i just read your thread and wanted to voice a couple of things about your thinking of ending it all...if you read my past posts i think they start around 10/15 you will understand my story and how i felt like ending it all many a time...however...i have come to realize that however bad things may seem, however dark they are for you, there are so many reasons to not give up...although you may not see it there is a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us and no matter how we all resolve our problems and work to do that there is a lot left when you make clear decisions about your life and ...remember...nobody is promised tomorrow just look at the tragedy of that latest plane crash...when a person looks into the abyss and sees nothing but their own face staring back they realize the type of character they have...keep posting you have friends here and hang in there minute by minute hour by hour day by day, we all feel the pain you are feeling...much peace and love trying hard<BR>

Trying Hard: Thank you for your words of encouragement. In my early years I used to wonder why some people who seemed so full of life and energy and want to live, died and those people who wanted to die, lived or at least until they took it upon themselves to end it. All I do now is pray for both sets and try and learn from it. Right now I live day to day. I keep telling myself that the light at the end of my tunnel is coming soon. However, last evening was cutting it awfully close. I know there are lessons to be learned from all this pain, but the pain is becoming too unbearable for me. I feel ashamed because there are people who have experienced both physical and mental anguish and managed to make it through. I can't even make it out of my bed somedays. Thank you for your love and support.

sobeit,<P>I know how you feel. I've never mentioned this on this forum before, but when my first husband decided to divorce me, I actually did try to commit suicide. A bunch of pills and about 1/2 liter of vodka. Well, I woke up the next day and wondered if I had woken up in hell. My second husband knew this, and still didn't feel too bad about treating me like utter dog-cr*p after I confessed. I've been in the abyss, pulled myself out once before, and was thrown back in, or fell in, or was pushed in. It doesn't matter how I got in there, fact is, I got out. YOU CAN TOO!! I often say that life is easy for people who have no conscience. The fact that you are in so much pain right now PROVES you DO have a conscience, you DO have character, you DO want to change your life. I know that suicide sounds like a tempting option when all you want to do is make the pain go away right *now*. Believe me, this pain will subside. You are doing the right thing by asking for help here. People care about you more than you know!! <P>You can e-mail me at danars@bellsouth.net if you need to talk more.<P>