Can you move into recovery if there isn't a NC letter written?

If you continue to snoop and see no contact can WH be genuine in their steps to amend?

WH is doing all the other transparencies that I have asked for.

I'll get yelled at by the board for this, but here goes. You CAN move into recovery if there is not a NC letter.

Now here is why I will get yelled at: STATISTICALLY, the methods on this board are proven. STATISTICALLY, if your WS hasn't sent an NC letter, it means they are still in contact. That doesn't mean it is the case in YOUR case, but STATISTICALLY it is the case. Meaning, I wouldn't bet that there was no contact. Having said that, they could continue even after a no contact letter. Really, it's just a promise, just like a marriage vow, and how did that work out for you?

NC letter is one portion of an entire plan to end an affair. Remember that the goal is to end the affair. If your WS is truly transparent, then you know. To me, that is a more important step because that transparency will rebuild trust. Others may disagree.

Ultimately, it is your choice as to what the "requirements" are to enter recovery. If through actual actions your WS has made you comfortable that contact has stopped, you have achieved the goal and the NC letter is pointless at this point. But be sure...

NO.

Why?

Because he is not accepting the humility that has to go along with sending that letter. He is not admitting - to her, to you, to himself, to God - that he is ACCEPTING his faults and CHOOSING goodness.

Not writing the letter is a psychological DODGE, and he will never truly be on the right path if he gets to skate this issue.

Either that, or he is simply taking his affair deeper underground so you can't find it, and he can continue.

Either way, it is a mistake to accept him like this.

Continue your plans to leave. He has to become humbled, and you just caving now only teaches him how to control you.

Ok so the NC letter still has not been sent.

The room that my daughter and I will be moving into won't be ready until Jan. 8th. Do I tell him NOW that if I don't get that NC letter then I am gone and then go into Plan D or do I just wait until the 8th and give him a dark Plan B letter and file for Plan D?

He said that he doesn't have to write the NC because I took care of it by calling and e-mailing them.

He said I am proving everything else to you and "why can't we just move forward?"

He is trying to gaslight me isn't he?

I am having a hard time because the room that I thought I was going to be able to move into has been put on hold due to some financially problems. Ughhh

This is what I am doing for me:
1) hitting the gym hard
2) going to IC on the 8th
3) waiting for the SAA book to come in any day now!!!

Your response to him refusing to write the letter:
"Well, then, I guess I have my answer. You value your own comfort ahead of mine. We'll be leaving the first day the apartment is available. If you change your mind and want us to stay, you can hand me the letter at any time."

Thanks Cat and that is what I said to him.

"Thanks I guess I have my answer and I will be out as soon as the place is available."

He got all upset and didn't want to believe me and I told him you can stop this by doing what I ask.

That is when he said "but you already took care of that and I deleted my e-mail account and do not want them to have the new account".

I just said "ok that's all I needed to know"

So he keeps asking me are you really moving out?

I told him you will be shocked when you come home and we are gone.

He is really good at saying the right things but not very good at doing the actions.

Tell him that. It might make more sense to him.

The email thing is a dodge. Tell him to write the no-contact letter, show it to you for your approval, print it, sign it, and YOU will mail it to the OW's physical mail address.

No need to expose new email addresses. Leave off the return address if it's a concern.

It's pretty trival to find someone's address most times...

So not a very promising update. The place I was to move into fell through so I am working on another place. He still will not write NC and I am still snooping.

Good things for me I am still hitting the gym all the time. I am almost done reading SAA.

I am still looking for a IC.

I am working on LB and doing a pretty good job of not doing any but I do have my days.

Working on my anger.

I am at peace because I know the answer is out there real close.

He is being real good on my EN.

It's been awhile since I have updated but I lurk daily.

So my H has been in and out of the hospital/ER 4 times since Feb and has been dealing with many health issues and trying to find a job. He has been diagnosed with TIA, anxiety/panic attacks, diabetes and just recently PTSD. We were in counseling for about 6 months.

Well that brings me to myself. I have really, really been working on myself and making myself better. I have read SAA, Lovebusters and am finishig up His Needs/Her Needs. I have been hitting the gym and eating right and am losing weight big time and working on my anger and AO.

So that brings me to 10-04-10. I found out that he was in contact with OW again. He will not leave the house and money is so tight with him being out of work for so long. I have no family in this area at all.

So he sent the OW and OWH a NC letter and deleted his old email and gave me all passwords but I am feeling a little too late. Then 10-12-10 he gets a job offer that will take him out of the country for at least 4 months. I am really feeling at peace about this because I think I really need this time to myself and to clear my head. The money is extremely good and it can help to get us out of some trouble that he has done since he has been out of work.

I know this means that the marriage will probably not work and I am ok with that. He thinks I am going to send him divorce papers while he is there.

I guess I am just looking for some advice on what to do?

Is your WH willing to work on the M and do all the work you have been dooing by reading books, counseling etc.,,
Or he just goes for the ride till the going gets rough again and he finds emotional and physical consolation in yet another woman?
The point is...what is he willing to do to make the M affair proof.
Going abroad for extended periods of time is not going to help at all...
blessing

He "says" he is going to read the books and he does have an appointment with a PTSD counselor this wednesday. What is so funny is that before we found out about the assignment he started doing the right things but if it was long term I don't know.

I told him saying and doing are two different things and I hate to be pessimestic but it's a fact. I told him the ball is in his court and we will see.

I know going abroad is going to be very difficult and probably won't work. I guess I am thinking this is the answer from God I have been waiting on?

I really do not know. But usually our gut feeling can also be a sign from god.
If yours is telling you your WH will not work on anything and that you are ready to move on, then you should do what is right for you.
He is a serial cheater after all...
blessing

Would it be wrong or cruel to file for divorce while he is deployed? He is worried I am going to do this to him. I am just sick and tired of all the lies and cheating. He did write the NC letter and has been trasparent since this last incident but I almost feel like it's a little too late. I just know he will be gone and I will not know what is going on over there and I do not trust him.

Also he has been out of work for so long and has put a real financial strain on us. His money is going to be direct deposited and I will have access to handling all the bills. Is it wrong to be using this if I plan to divorce?

I have been doing everything to make me a better person and I have come a long way and I do not want to stoop to his level. I hope this makes sense?