Wife and I college sweethearts. She was virgin when we started dating. After 15 years she had 6 week affair....ending with intercourse once. Was one of those low selfesteem deals, about to be forty, no job, just wanted to still feel pretty, etc. After four years, Im still incredibly angry and focused on it every day. She still has alot of annoying habits, but otherwise evrything else ok. How do I let the past go?????? Tried everything.

Creating a romantic marriage does alot towards eliminating resentment.

But let me ask you some critical questions first:

1. has all contact wtih the OM ended?

2. do you EVER see him?

3. has she answered all your questions about the affair fully and completely? Do you feel you have all the truth?

4. do you still bring up and talk about the affair?

Okay so in reading you post we learn - everything else is okay?

Uhh, being in a situation where everything else is "okay" might be marginally acceptable in a marriage which had not had the damage done to it that yours has had, but "okay" won't provide the environment that you (your psche, your self-image) need to heal.

Think of your marriage as a boat. If it is sailing along on calm seas, there may be a point of balance where your wife's nautical ability being "okay" will suffice. But your boat was steered into some rocks, and suffered some degree of damage as a result of her actions. To get the boat safely through the remainder of the journey, she's going to have to provide a whole lot more attention and repair to the vessel than just being "okay"! She owes you a lot of effort to patch the holes in your boat, and attention to convince you that she's learned how to miss those future rocks.

It sounds like she hasn't stepped up to that, and that you are just now learning the costs of not fixing your vessel immediately.

YOU don't have to keep "trying", SHE has to prove to you she is remorseful, and reassure you that it won't happen again. Apparently she has not convinced you, or you would not still be tormented years later. I hope you're in therapy with her, and maybe without her too.