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So in my mind, he is not giving me what I want either, but I have not been bringing that up. He said that among all the women he ever dated, he is attracted to me the most physically. He also recognizes my intelligence, how good a mother I am, that I am a good cook, I am athletic, beautiful, sexy, etc. However he now feels that we are not 'on the same page', even though he loves me, because he is 'afraid' that if we get married I will complain that he is not spending enough time with the family. So he wants to end our relationship. Hi milkshake! I do remember you and am sorry your marriage didn't work out. I think your bf is right to end the relationship. Your separate lifestyles would have doomed the marriage unless you made dramatic changes. Having separate leisure lives would doom the marriage eventually. He is not spending enough time with you to sustain romantic love. Pretty soon all the love would evaporate from the relationship. What it takes to sustain the romantic love in a marriage is to share your favorite recreation and to spend 15+ hours per week of undivided attention. I would STRONGLY advise you to get the book The One - A Field Guide to Relationships That Last so you don't head into another disasterous marriage. Check this article out. I have posted some key excerpts: One of the most controversial positions I take regarding marriage is that a husband and wife should be together for their favorite recreational activities. Whatever it is they enjoy doing the most, they either do with each other, or they don't do it at all.
But my advice is not based on ivory tower speculation. It's based on years of observation. Couples who spend their most enjoyable time together tend to have great marriages, and those who do not, tend to divorce. Furthermore, I have witnessed hundreds of couples who have given up activities that only one enjoyed for activities that they both enjoyed. None went crazy, and almost all of them were very happy that they made the change.
My goal is saving marriages, and I achieve that goal by helping a husband and wife fall in love with each other. They fall in love by being with each other when they are the happiest (depositing love units), and avoiding unpleasant experiences (withdrawing love units) when they are together. Since the purpose of recreational activities is to create enjoyment, it makes sense for a husband and wife to spend their recreational time together. It's one of the easiest ways to deposit love units.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So the time we can spend together is limited, in my mind, more because of his 'priority'. Yet he feels it's my unsupportiveness and also he is afraid that I will never be supportive in this area. The problem is that his "priority" takes precedence over your relationship. That will spell doom for a future marriage unless you enjoy doing this with him too. He is placing his golf over your relationship and that is what is notable.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[That is not healthy dating. Dating is about evaluating compatibility, not trying to salvage a relationship for fear of being alone. Bingo!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OMG, it's so nice to hear from you ML! Didn't think anyone I used to chat was still around.... So how have you been? Hope your marriage is still very strong.
Dr. Harley's quote is VERY scary, in a way, as I know deep inside that this is so true. I have seen a couple where both the husband and wife are very happy and in love after 20 or so years, however they do not really share any recreational activities together on a regular basis. So not sharing recreational activities together on a regular basis doesn't necessarily destroy the marriage, however I have seen way more couples who are unhappy because they do not share same interests.
I know that I do not want to feel like I�m my partner�s second or third priority where he only spends time only after he is done with all of his priorities for the day.
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Dr. Harley's quote is VERY scary, in a way, as I know deep inside that this is so true. I have seen a couple where both the husband and wife are very happy and in love after 20 or so years, however they do not really share any recreational activities together on a regular basis. So not sharing recreational activities together on a regular basis doesn't necessarily destroy the marriage, however I have seen way more couples who are unhappy because they do not share same interests. I concur there may be exceptions to the rule. Take me for example, I once smoked 4 packs of cigarettes a day and never suffered any long term ramifications. I am definitely the exception to the rule! While there might be exceptions to the rule about separate leisure lifestyles, I know many more marriages that have been ruined that way. My marriage is just great. My H and I went to a Marriage Builders weekend in 2007 and that experience brought it to a new level. Good to see you, milkshake! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Wow, 4 packs a day, but I love to hear stories that beat the odd. Really. I have a girlfriend who has a daughter of my son's age and she has a stage 4 cancer. She is great though. This is her 3rd or 4th cancer, but she is so strong and positive. Everytime I feel weak, I always think of her, her strength and positive attitude. I pray for her that she will be one of those who proves the stats wrong too.
Very happy to hear your arriage is great. You so deserve it!
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meant to say 'marriage' of course...;)
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I should add that I quit smoking 12 years ago and turned my health around! ugh....
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks kayc..., and sorry to hear about your son and friend moving away, your friend getting sick... It's nice to have tradition and holidays, etc., but for those who don't have family members around, it can be cruel.
I try to think this: even if you had the most perfect marriage ever, your spouse could get in an accident and pass away. Then you will be left alone. So I'm trying very hard to NOT feel like a loser when I am alone. Do you feel that sometimes?
My problem: I do have friends that support me around. I also have a few guys who are interested in me (I did tell them several times that I have a boyfriend, so they never too aggressively pursued, but from time to time they still 'try' to see if I have changed my mind or if my situation has changed). However, I feel that I have 'failed' to keep my marriage together. That has been the biggest trauma in my life, EVER. And this hurt will never ever completely go away. It will always make me feel like I have failed.
I feel angry when I think of the fact that my XH's selfishness destroyed our marriage and family, and as a result that our boy is a single child and does not have both parents living under the same roof. At the same time, I feel tremendously bad for both my XH and boy. I feel that I could have done things differently. Also when I think of those �signs� that my XH was exhibiting by engaging him into many unhealthy behaviors � why didn�t I take him to the doctors and/or therapists? He must have felt very scared and lonely, and I failed to make him feel safer.
I think I will always live the rest of my life with the feeling of guilt. And whenever I see my XH now being happy with his new girlfriend, I feel even worse - that I could not make him happy, but this woman can.
I have similar 'guilt' for my boyfriend too. I know he is not the warmest and most positive person in the world. He does whatever he likes to do first, and spends the remained time with me / us. I know I am not his priority, his hobbies are. So I agree that this is not the greatest match. Even then I feel guilty. If I were doing more of the stuff he enjoyed so much, he would have been happier. He wouldn�t have felt �unsupported�.
I see my boy, and feel guilty. Everyone says that I am one of the most dedicated, giving and loving mothers to my son. I am confident about that most of the time. Yet when I see him getting excited to going to see my XH's girlfriend's two boys on weekends, I feel rejected. And I feel bad because to me it is as if I am not doing a good enough job and therefore he is 'choosing' the other family over me. And I feel guilty that I could not give my son a sibling.
I hate feeling guilty for everyone. It really tires me out�
My boyfriend and I were supposed to have a 'talk' on Saturday night, which never took place. Then I thought we would 'talk' on Sunday, but we didn't. It was as if �business as usual� on one hand, but at the same time I definitely felt the 'distance' or 'coldness' in him. It's not a good feeling at all.
OK, enough of self-pity. I have a full schedule today. I actually prefer weekdays, because I am hyper busy with my job, my son's schedule, my ballet classes, and regular housework. Weekends and holidays are definitely harder. For me it�s like �HAPPY MONDAY!�.
Hope your weekend was okay too, kayc. And stay busy! Question: Why are you still dating this guy when you have other's waiting in the wings for you? Ansewr: To teach your son how not to have a healthy relationship. So show your son that my mom accepted this treatment so it must be ok for me to treat the women in my life when I start dating and marry.
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Milkshake, No, being single doesn't make me feel like a "loser", but it does make me feel lonely sometimes. And very out there on my own all the time. I don't feel like a failure, I tried my best at my marriage, he didn't. Not much else I could have done except just not to have married him to start with. I've heard it said it takes two to break a marriage, I'm not sure I agree...in most perhaps, but I have learned that it takes two to MAKE a marriage and only ONE to break it! Try to let go of the guilt even if it means getting counseling. You don't deserve it! Let HIM bear the guilt! I haven't read your story so I'm not sure what happened, but please don't beat yourself up! We do our best, that's all we can do. Let HIM be responsible for him! You sound like you are "settling" with your BF...you don't have to accept crumbs. You deserve the best for you, not someone who isn't all that in to you. Please think about this, you deserve to be happy and we only get one go around! Being alone isn't the worst thing in the world, being with the wrong person is. Consider being alone and developing your life into what you want it to be and being happy with it...then you are in a state of readiness should the right person come along! Believe me, I've had this talk with myself a time or two too!
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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I tend to 'attach' to things whether they are good or bad. Whether they are people, animals, jobs, houses, schools, whatever, I just can't walk away. I have a serious 'detaching' issue. That's because it's emotionally hard for me. That's because I get scared. That's because I do not want to see other people around me getting sad because of my action. That's because memories make me look at 'good things' only and make me feel that my decision is a bad idea.
All of those things make it very difficult for me to 'move on' in general.
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OMG, it's so nice to hear from you ML! Didn't think anyone I used to chat was still around.... So how have you been? Hope your marriage is still very strong.
Dr. Harley's quote is VERY scary, in a way, as I know deep inside that this is so true. I have seen a couple where both the husband and wife are very happy and in love after 20 or so years, however they do not really share any recreational activities together on a regular basis. So not sharing recreational activities together on a regular basis doesn't necessarily destroy the marriage, however I have seen way more couples who are unhappy because they do not share same interests.
I know that I do not want to feel like I�m my partner�s second or third priority where he only spends time only after he is done with all of his priorities for the day. Well hiya, Milkshake! I sure remember you. Sorry about the D. It sounds like your boy is doing well though. I would just like to say I agree with the others on this thread that you and your BF do not sound compatible. You do not want to put yourself or your son through another D. So please do read the writing on the wall and let your BF go.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Hi Faith, great to hear from you too!
Letting go is not my forte, otherwise I wouldn't be here, LOL. That said, I need to learn to look forward.
Hope all is well with you and your family! Thanks for the note.
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Milkshake, I don't think letting go is ever easy. I tend to persevere long after I should call it quits too. But I think it's important to look at what's in our best interests...and in your case, you have a son to consider. I am tenacious as well, but there comes a point in reading the handwriting on the wall and responding to it with some good sense! That said, my heart really goes out to you, I can relate! I just had contact with my ex-fiance and it's been rough...I'm trying to learn to detach and step back, way back, for my own emotional health. Keep us posted on your progress with the situation.
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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I sometimes wonder if I am very greedy. You know, it's like those kids who do not want to give away old toys and clothes even though they don't fit anymore? Because you are emotionally attached to them, but you know that you can't really use them anymore?
Not that I wanted to keep all my old boyfriends, certainly when I was much younger I did not have problem 'breaking up'. So it must have a lot to do with my age. As you get older you tend to 'hang onto' things. That's pretty sad, yikes.
I have to confess. I don't even want to imagine the day my son will leave (he is 8 now). I will be devastated. In a way, I envy those parents who are very detached or independent and would say "oh, my kids drive me nuts; I can't wait till they move out of the house". My son is a handful active boy, but I love being a mom, it's the greatest thing I have ever experienced.
Sorry to hear about your talk with your ex-fianc�, kayc. It always makes things tough when you have contact, eh. I still have that with my ex-husband. It's almost irritating that he to this date still had that much power over me.
I didn't know much about your history, I read it on someone else's thread...., sorry you have gone through a lot. All the experience must have made you very strong, and you need to keep believing in yourself. You have survived many tough situations, you WILL again.
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Hey there!
Here's another confirmation of what you already know.
Who's doing the adjusting and changing in this relationship?
He's emphatic that he's not going to learn skiing. He's not asking you to learn golf. He is set on his independent recreation.
If you are feeling this NOW - during the dating phase, imagine what it would be like if you were married, five years down the road?
Dating is when someone shows off their best relationship skills. It's the "job interview" and the probation period. Once someone is hired - aka married, that's when they start behaving like this guy is.
I know your marriage beat you down, but find that inner woman who knows she deserves devotion and then get back in circulation again.
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Kayla, you are absolutely right. I do think about that too. Guess the reason I still feel like I should try is that "no one is perfect, and if I keep throwing a towel, no one will be left". It's hard at times to draw a line between 'normal relationship work' and 'not compatible'.
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find that inner woman who knows she deserves devotion. That says it all! Tell yourself "I deserve not to settle for crumbs." "I will stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole." "I will start exploring my options."
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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KC, I didn't want to use B's thread to get back to you, but thanks for changing the link, now it works, but it got blocked here at work (so I still haven't seen the pix), I will give it another try at home this weekend.
I do a lot of self analyzing - and I think I know myself pretty well. And I probably know the bottom of my problem: I love being a mom 'too much'.
Whether it's my son or hairy ones, when I take care of my 'kids', they are basically the center of my universe. I still very much enjoy my work, people in the office, and friends from school and from my ballet classes....., I love going out with girls or enjoy going out on a date too. But in the end, what really makes me happy is my boy's smile, watching kids play together....
There is nothing wrong with that, people may say, but there IS a problem. Because when I think of things like "what do I want in a relationship", I always include my son in the picture. I can't imagine having a great relationship and my son is not a part of the picture. However, in reality, once my boy grows up, he will leave. So I need to truly examine what I want in a relationship and what I require from my future partner when we are alone, just two of us.
This is so hard for me to do. I know EXACTLY what I want now, however when I exclude my son from this equation...., I have a vague picture of what I want. It's bizarre.
I want a man I can trust. I want a man of honor. I want a family oriented man. I want someone I can joke around but also can talk about serious issues. I want someone genuine, and can travel with and experience new as well as traditional things.
These are qualities I seek in a man, regardless of my status (whether I am still a mom who is raising a young child or I am older and there is no child at home). But other than that, I seem to have a problem coming up with 'MUST HAVE' list. And the list above seems too vague.
Does anyone have similar experience?
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When my XH left, I sat down and made a list of what's important to me in a mate, while it was still fresh in my mind. On the top of the list is he is a Christian and very closely followed honesty, good values, caring, great sense of humor. I actually made two lists...the first are dealbreaker items, the second is a preferential list (hiking, camping, etc.) They aren't dealbreakers, but they'd be nice to have. think about the things that are important to you and start there. What was it you did or did not like about your ex?
I would say that probably, for you, whatever man is in your future will have to care for your son. He may not be his father, but he should care about him and have a good relationship with him. Whether the kids are small or grown, at home, or on their own, harmony between their stepparent and them is important to your well being. Otherwise they won't be inclined to come back home for visits, and you know that's important to you. It's important they be a good role model. It's important they treat YOU right, that's top on the list for earning your kid's respect.
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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