Sunny, that is an unrealistic expectation from a detached person. He will be more proactive when he is in love. He is not in love and won't be until he moves home and recovers the marriage.

What you need for this step of recovery is his COMMITTMENT to go through the motions of recovery. That means EP's, undivided attention of 20+ hours per week, and a committment to go through the lessons I gave you.

But he needs to come home to make this work. The longer he is out, the higher the risk of divorce. MrW is exactly right about that. So go see him, get his committment and get him home.

if he is reluctant to come home, I would surmise the affair is still on.

Mel...you're back! :-)

Thanks for your input. I guess that is an unrealistic expectation. I will admit it is hard for me to move forward without it, maybe because I have detached so much myself. I'm not sure.

I'll be frank: a big part of me right now likes this life of not worrying about H or what he's feeling or what he wants: of not looking over the other side of the bed and being sad because of what he's done. I do love him, but I like being detached from the pain... as long as he is not in the home, I can stay numb, I guess.

I know that's not right...but I'm just trying to be honest.

Good to see you, friend! The longer you put this off, the harder it will be to face it. I am getting very concerned that your recovery has been delayed, Sunny. Avoidance is not an effective tactic if you want to save your marriage. There is something much better than being NUMB in store for you and the sooner you start working on it, the sooner you can have it.

Let me put this another way. You were already detached in your marriage before the affair. More detachment is not the solution but more of the same condition that LED TO the affair. He is more vulnerable to an affair today than he was before the affair. This is what needs to change. Separation is BAD for your marriage.

The solution is to create attachment and intimacy and you can't do that if you are separated. You are both developing BAD HABITS that become more entrenched every day that passes.

Get him home, Sunny. I would close this deal today and get moving on the recovery of your marriage before you lose that chance.

I'm sure you are right. UGH! lol

But I LIKE avoidance!!! The problem is - so does H.

OK: I will address this today if at all possible - tomorrow at the latest. I promise!

THANKS for the kick.
:-)

Close the deal, girl!!

LOVE that smiley!!!

Working on my plan of action now.... will let you know how it goes. (Thanks for all the material too - it's awesome!)

Good girl!

yeah...

Melody...

For her emotional safety...could she ask him to sleep in a spare bedroom for a bit here as she pursues getting a commitment to trying AND sees some ACTION pursuant to such commitment.

With him IN THE HOUSE but not in her bed she may get the chance to confirm no contact outside of just his word.

Then...moving back into the bedroom becomes something WH earns as a reward for actually DOING/STARTING the plan.

A carrot.

Just a thought.

Mr. Wondering

That IS an interesting though, Mr. W.

I talked with H at length. He was very interested in the plan and willing. I addressed like you had advised, Mr W - that it should be something we work on together to achieve the mutual goal of an exceptional relationship. :-)

SOOOO....he is coming over tonight. We're going to watch a football game and I'm going to give him the MB workbook that I have. We're going to start the program right away with the goal of moving him back into the home. He says he wants to move back home. We agreed that it is the best way to work on the marriage. We didn't set a specific time table but we will discuss that later. He mentioned his agreement at the ext stay hotel is up in a week.

I get where you are going but I think the faster they are together, the faster they are together. It is going to be awkward, but the faster they jump in, the sooner the awkward stage will be over. With women, SF and cuddling in bed makes us feel closer, so I was hoping that sleeping together would make them feel more bonded.

Agree on that front.

My main concern with H moving back home without a "guarantee" or firm commitment is the kids, not me. I feel I am strong enough to handle anything at this point, but it would be terrible for the kids for H to move back home and then if things didn't go as he wanted (or he got back involved with the OW) for him to move back out again. That would just be devastating for the boys, especially. (Daughter is away at college.)

Having said that, we spent most of the weekend together and H did stay last night at the house. It was a really, really nice weekend. I gave him the workbook (Romantic Love) and he's going to start with that. He seems eager to do the work that needs doing in this.

Has he not given you a committment to end his affair and work on a plan of recovery for the marriage?

Sorry - I didn't word that very well, above. Yes! He HAS definitely ended the affair and committed to working on the marriage. (Otherwise I would be in Plan B, or should be, right?!)

What I meant by commitment/guarantee is more of a theoretical thing. I see marriage as a convenant. H sees marriage as more of a contract. Because of my religious upbringing, I tend to be more of the "committed for life" viewpoint. I was always taught that unless that person is abusive, cheats on you, or abandons you - you work out your issues. H was taught nothing other than if you're unhappy - leave or look for someone else to make you unhappy. Not that those words were actually spoken, but taught by example from both his mother and father.

Of course, with his infidelity, I was given the "get out of jail free" card if I wanted out. Obviously I do not - I prefer to work through it and make our marriage affair proof for the future. I know H is committed to that but I no longer see him as being "committed" as I am committed. I now see the marriage as being conditional - that there are no guarantees anymore that it's for life. However, there probably aren't anyway and it's not such a bad way to look at things. With this changed perspective I KNOW we have to make our relationship a priority forever, not just now while we're reconciling.

But... that's a scary thought to me. The difference in perspective brings a bit of fear. I'm sure that is my trust issues talking. I am also sure that is why you have the Extraordinary Measures in place. Part of me can't quite let go of the "don't want to be fooled again" attitude though.

Morning update: H and I talked again this morning. He was worried about it being awkward for everyone, his coming home. Says the weekend was nice though and thanked me for making it not awkward. SO...we are both looking forward to (as are the kids) his coming home this week.

:-)

YEAH.

That should really enable you to BOTH get working on learning and implementing the MB program (your best shot).

Mr. W

You're right, Mr. W. I can't tell you how much my love bank began to be filled up by his being around this weekend so much! I'm actually going from just being optimistic to being excited about our future together. Having started out being totally unsure if I wanted to even reconcile after finding out about the A, that's a huge jump.

The MB plan WORKS to restore feelings. I can say that with certainty even though we are just in the beginning stages.

Do you have "his needs her needs"?

My wife and I listened to it TOGETHER on a cd on a road trip to Northern Michigan.

Road trips are great places to talk as your audience is captive.

We liked the CD because we could listen to it TOGETHER instead of reading it separately. If you already have the book (and not the CD) then read it to each other under the premise that BOTH of you are invested in building a marriage of romantic love and extra-ordinary care. Just "recovering" isn't enough for you and hopefully isn't enough for him (ask him what HE wants as you involve him in the process of doing this TOGETHER).

That link I gave you too...How to recover a marriage after infidelity should be reviewed first whenever you discuss recovery as it has the lists of extra-ordinary precautions and reemphasizes that without "NO CONTACT" nothing can be achieved whatsoever. It's still early for your husband and either he or OW may yet still reach out to one another for one last "closure contact" or whatever. He must resist the urge to contact her and the urge to take/receive/accept her possible attempt at contact. Like I said awhile back...EMPHASIZE NO CONTACT EVERYDAY as you NUMBER ONE boundary.

Mr. Wondering