Hello, completely new to the site. Looking for advice regarding separation in my marriage.

My wife has just asked to separate, not divorce (yet). She has spent the past few weekends away from our home and when she is around with me she wants to leave again. That being said, and I am trying my best to fix my mistakes, I messed around with another woman and she found out (I didn't tell her). And I know dishonesty makes the problem worse. I did *not* sleep with this woman, I did however kiss/make out and touch her. I know that really screwed things up. Again, I'm doing everything within me to right my wrongs (as much as possible). It only happened once and I know it doesn't change the severity of what I did.

She tells me she loves me and she knows that I love her. She has never been entirely entrusting to me. She has been cheated on before, as have I. And my only reasoning behind what I did (and by no way does it make it right) is that I moved to our area to get married 2 years ago. All of my friends moved on and far away and I am not in good terms with over 90% of my family. She has been my only friend and family and her family has attempted to fill those voids. I have felt suffocated in our relationship, she has Bi-Polar and it has been extremely difficult to spend every waking moment with her. I even came to resent her as there are long periods where she is unable to function and she stays at home while I worked to support us. I have had little to no time to look for friends to do things with considering I needed to be at home with her in my free time. We have had money issues as well. She recently acquired disability and that has helped a bit. Last year my wife asked me to leave as she heard that her ex-fiancee (the man before me) had someone and he messaged her saying how happy he was and it has always bothered me how much he means to her. It's always made me feel like a backup plan and a means to an end. I stopped talking to all of my exes but she prefers to remain friends with hers. It puts a large strain on my insecurities. I feel like I fail her every day in some form or fashion and it makes me feel like she is just waiting for the right moment to leave like the other women in my life had. She stopped talking to all men until recently. She rekindled her friendship with her ex-fiancee in the past few weeks. I know I have no right to be upset but I truly am scared.

The woman in question that I got too close to was the only person at work that I could have a halfway decent conversation with. At the start I was not looking for anything, just someone to talk with about work and all in all shoot the [censored] with. unfortunately in this case it was a female. What started as shooting the [censored] moved towards her being jealous of my wife (again I honestly was not looking for anything at all) and in my foolishness found it flattering. Which brought things to a boil and changed shooting the [censored] to flirting.

When I did what I did with this woman, it felt nice at the time yet all signs were screaming not to follow through and go any further and my conscience left me feeling horrible throughout. I can't believe I went as far as I did. We had a connection. I could see myself with this person even though all I enjoyed was talking to her about random things, not confiding or talking like I would to my wife. During all of this time I had somewhat of a midlife crisis. I have had multiple health problems (no insurance, more stress) and before the incident with this woman (one or two weeks prior) I had something that felt like a heart attack. I didn't go to the hospital and the chest pain went away but it was horrifying.

After the incident I wanted closure with the woman just to be done with it all. Not that I should've cared. I have been caught in lies, not also saying the woman I was with denies anything we did together to my wife. This all caused crushing damage to my marriage and the above separation she has talked about. Not also saying I have flirted with women in the past, but never went past words. I really do with the entirety of my being love my wife. I want things to work and I have always heard "A cheater will always cheat" but I can't live with the knowledge that a person cannot change when they are at their lowest point and want/need to change.

I know many will not believe that this is how I feel. Before all of this happened I often asked myself why. We have had so many fights but we've always returned to absolute love between one another. The more I stop and think the more I know I love her and want to be with her. The more that my insecurities are debunked (for the most part). But right now she is gone again, except this time (two days ago) she told me she wants to try to separate but keeps asking me to "Not let go yet".

I'm in a crisis and I have no one to turn to. I have tried to pray to God but as we all know that is not instantaneous and I am scrambling around trying not to lose my sanity. I sat in my bathtub the past few nights looking at a bottle of pills debating on dying to in some way make things right for all I have put her through.

I am sorry for the really long post. Just a lot and even though I have not went through with suicide I am dying inside from all that I have done. Please don't tell me how terrible or disgusting I am for what I have done. I am aware of what I have become and I would give anything to fix it all. Thanks for anything anyone can provide.

Please click "notify" at the bottom of your post and asked to be moved to Surviving an Affair. That's where you should be.

Thank you and sorry for the incorrect posting.

A few questions regarding my post. What can I do to prevent the separation? Should I fight and show her I am serious or honor her wishes? I am seriously lost and need some advice. Anything at all. Thanks in advance.

I would really appreciate any kind of help anyone can provide. Please and thank you.

Sweet Howerdel ~

Please do NOT give up... There is ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY NO~THING that God CANNOT FIX!!!!

Please promise me that you will:

1. STOP!

2. TAKE A STEP BACK!!!

3. Re-evaluate your circumstances...

My heart hurts for what you and your DW are going through...

Please do NOT give up hope...

There are so many people right here at MB who want to minister to you RIGHT NOW...

Not only you, precious Howderdel, but your most precious W!

Trust me when I tell you that there are MANY, MANY people who are equipped to help you...

Right here @ Marriage Builders!!!!!!

God Bless you, Precious!

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I will never break my vows again. I can't kill myself regardless of how bad things are. I know in my heart a life without her is not what i would call a life. I dont want time apart from her as i feel like it could weaken what bond we have. She spends a lot of time away since all this happened. Which i know its hard with all i have put her through. Which in our case would be enough time for me to see i am nothing witout her. It didnt take seconds after she leaves to know that. After i did what i did i took many steps back to understand how i got there. And it was all foolish insecurities. I hope wherever she is tonight that she knows i love her, miss her and pray as often as possible to reforge our love and marriage into something more powerful than what i have caused it to become. Thank you for your words.

Howerdel,

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Have you established no contact with all the other woman? You need to established it, never see, talk or communicate with them again. For life. Is there any chance you work with them or can cross paths during your daily life or that they live close by?

Have you told all about your affairs to your wife, said you're sorry and that you are ready to do anything it takes to help her overcome this very painful situation? You actually cannot stop her doing anything, but you can start cleaning your side of the street today.

Please get yourself familiarised with the materials on this site. You can start with this. And get the copy of Surviving an Affair by Dr W. Harley.

Keep posting, you have come to the right place.

Yes I work with this woman and since i am trying to find a new house(i do home services for handicapped individuals) or a new job i do see her briefly before clocking out for the night or clocking in for the morning. But i ignore her presence and focus on finishing my duties to ensure when she walks in that i am walking out. I have not sent a text or a phone call or even directed my attention towards her. I am honestly done wih her. I have put in a transfer request with an emphasis on removing myself from that house altogether.

My wife has been told everything till now and yes most she had to continuously ask and pull out of me. I did not want to put her through anymore pain. I have always had a phobia of always failing her at every turn. Where she has.bipolar i am subject to her swings and i try to fight the feelings of hurting/failing her. It made me resent her because before i even arrived home i was already in defense mode and not open at all.

I recently went to walmart to grab a journal and drawing pad. I am funneling my feelings and thoughts into these objects.to give her a play by play of my emotions and feelings and also it can communicate my feelings and give me a way to vent my stress.which has caused significant tension in our relationship.

Update: Pretty rough morning. My wife texted me and we talked a little but she didnt tell me she loved me or missed me, which she has never forgotten to say so ever. It put me into a rough depression spin. She reminded me of all i have done and the damag i have caused. It was extremely painful, but honest. I texted her just a few minutes ago asking her if she missed me even a little and she said she did! Even if she misses me a small amount it made my heart soar! I thanked God and her for not giving up yet.

I am working on a few projects that will hopefully show her she has been in every thought in my mind and every beat in my heart since she left. And she has been.

Howerdel welcome to MB. Learn here. Learn and learn some more. Moreso, DO something after learning what to do.
Please do learn about SAA. Get it and read it and get some professional MB counseling. I recommend the Harleys.

No 2 x 4 here, but you need to admit fully with the ema. You can begin by telling us the truth here. Sounds like it was a pa as well as an ea.

Also, your bw may have an emotional problem, but you knew that before you cheated. Not an excuse in my books. I am a (happily) remarried formerly bw and I can tell you that after the pain of what I went thru before with my xwh, I would never go thru it again.

You do have a ways to go, but things can change. I have seen miracles happen here, but they didn't spontaneously happen. Only with hard work and lots of time and effort and truth and transparency. I might suggest you both go thru MB counseling if she is willing at some point too. You need to heal and in time so will she.

Wishing things to go well, but again it is not an overnight fix. Roll up your sleeves. Get to work. You got yourself into this, and you're going to be the one to start the hard work of getting out of it. No other thing to say. But here, many marriages have been saved even if one person was the one doing the saving. I am in healthcare and know it only takes one person to save a life. So it is also with marriages sometimes.