Some of you may remember me, I lurk here everyday but only post on occasion. A fast overview. Been married 18 years, I am guilty of neglect and in July the wife for the first and only time was guilty of an affair. It lasted only 3 weeks, when confronted she was willing to drop OM and try again. She did and we started rebuilding. I've had a terrible time coming to terms with what happen, almost to the point of taking my life, lucky for me I've past that stage. Been on anti-dep meds and still depression is heavy. It's taking a long time for her to get the romantic feelings back, but slowly they're starting to return, but inspite of that the sex has never been better. Many people that come here I know would love to be so far along, I realize that, but one thing that's keeping me from coming to terms and putting it behind me is, She's really not sorry it happened. She does really love me now, I believe I do trust her now, and she's trying real hard, as am I. But she had little remorse than or now. She's given a real shallow I'm sorry. But I so bad need to hear her say with all her heart and soul that she is so very very sorry for what she did, and wishes it had never happened. I guess it's important to me because I feel like she's thinking "well I got what I wanted then, and now I have my husband's attention and affection, so why should I be that sorry?". <BR>I quit trying to tell her how everyday for me is hell. All it did is bring her down, and slowed down the love regaining. She goes through each day now like she's on top of the world, and doesn't realize I'm still a broken man. If I only saw a little more remorse, it would help me so much.

RWC,<BR>I know what you are feeling. I haven't seen any remorse for what she has done to em and the kids. She seemed somewhat remorseful that affair ended but not a whole lot their either.<P>Her counselor told me that a lot of it is from shame in that they can't believe what they did and they are trying to figure out how they could have done what they did. <P>Also embarassment, they just can't talk to us about it.<P>I don't know what to tell you, I don't think you want to amke that a sticking point do you? Maybe eventually she will when full reality sets in. Maybe some other with more experienec than me can give us some insight into all this.<P>Hang in there!

RWC,<P>I am totally where you are. If only I could get the remorse for the pain my h casued me. I get ... I can't be sorry, we wouldn't be where we were ... Or .. What is there left to be upset about ... or I'm here .. He thanks me a lot for turning my attention to him. But that is my biggest love buster now, that I am working to make right what he did. It's like all his effort should just be the fact he had to give up his OW. <BR>The best advice I've heard here is to just keep loving and give it time, If you are truly working at the marriage, they will come around and eventually feel remorse for what they did. My issue is how much time? How will they know we still need that if it's not verbalized and if it is verbalized it's considered love busting or bringing them down. I probably wasn't much help, but I keep holding on to it will keep getting better and maybe after a while my H actions will overcome my need for a sincere apology.<BR>Good Luck<BR><P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

I know how you feel. I didn't get a sincere apology until 9 months after disclosure. It hurt a great deal, and held up my healing process. Don't let it do that to you -- just hang in there, you'll get the remorse someday

I kinda expect "give it time" would be the popular response. I'm beginning to hate that phrase. The problem is it's a catch 22. If I tell her that I need to hear it, than she will say it because prompted. If I wait for time, I really doubt I'll ever hear it, she's the type that doesn't like to attack issue's. You know "out of sight out of mind". If I never brought the subject up again, she wouldn't either. I'm afraid if I give it time and never hear her say it, someday I may give up. <P>And just like Mater described, she says "isn't the fact I came back enough?" I think my answer is no!<P>Another thing that gets to me, because of little remorse, she doesn't act like the betrayer. Even she admitted that. I'm the one trying to prove it can work, and I'm doing most of the rebuilding. She seems to think time on the couch in the evening and sex every other night and I should be good to go. But to many little things like body language tells me what she's saying to me and how she feels, may be different. It's not deceit, but I think maybe she's faking the feelings in hope that they will return, but until they do she doesn't want to hurt me.

Was looking for some additional info here.<BR>Thanks !!!!