@everything -

That is not Plan A. I thought the same things. I all I did was end up hurting myself because of my expectations.

Read: Marks Rant

Read: Mr Wondering Dos and Donts

Read: Larry's Plan (LOL)

Read: Plan A will not work if...

Enough reading. Remember you have time.

I know I need to slow down. I constantly let my emotions get the best of me. I have meds now to help with that. Need to take them before she comes home for sure to ensure I remain calm, cool and collected.

Also, now that I have a feeling that the A has been busted up, I am going to be the perfect husband. Already have dinner getting ready. When I told her that, she asked "Why are you being so nice to me?" I told her "Because I want to!". Lord, I hope this works. I believe it will. But I have to be certain that the A is over FOR GOOD.

everythingwvu

Wow she is really having an identity crisis of some sort. Could she possibly be suffering depression or bi-polar? They can make some very bad decisions at times. It does seem as if she is seeking excitement of sorts. There is alot here to read and they have some great books!

Hang in there!

Jinxie

Jinxie,

It seems to be a mixture of both. I think she has the EN of conversation high on her list as she has said the OM is nice to talk to. Same way it was nice to talk when we first started dating, right? That initial thrill of understanding someone new.

But the identity crisis is a whole other story. She's lashing out and fears that by being married to me at such a young age (we got married, I was 22 she 24) that her best years are passing her by. I want to be there for her and take part in all the activities that make her feel "Alive" as she would say. One of those activities was meeting and getting to know the OM. Of course, I won't be of much help there, but if there are new things she would like to do, I'm all for it. We live just outside of Wash. DC, there is plenty to do for sure. I just hope we can discover them together and help rekindle the romance through recreational companionship (one of the ENs right? Learning on the job here).

Melody, thank you for your help. I will try to focus on the four you mentioned (the sex may take some time, but I am all for it :)) but the other 3, conversation, affection and recreational companionship I can CERTAINLY do post haste.

So what do I do tonight? I am making dinner and she is on her way home, making a quick stop to get some things for her halloween dress up day at work tomorrow. I don't want to jump her with "Is it over yet?" so I think I'll let her ease into the evening and then we can discuss the events of the day as it pertains to the OM and the A. Does that sound like a reasonable way to approach this? I so badly want to regain our connection, but with the OM in the picture, it's been hard for me to not be on the attack as soon as we're together.

But another part of me wants to be like "if you don't recommit 100% of the way because of the OM, I'm filing for divorce tomorrow". What's the best way to handle this?

You need to read up on Plan A because this is not how it's done. You don't threaten her if you want to save your marriage. You don't discuss your relationship until AFTER she commits to no contact with the OM. You DO show her how great a husband you can be and make life at home as perfect as possible so she knows what she'll be missing if she leaves.

You EXPOSE the affair to others, you DO NOT confront your wife or the OM angrily. If you're wife brings up the affair or your marriage, you make it clear you love her and want to create a marriage where you are both deeply in love but cannot do so with another man in the picture. Then you CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

Have you done much reading up?

I've been trying to do as much reading as I can. It's kind of garbled up in my head. So I won't bring up getting divorced yet. But we should discuss the OM and explain that we can't move forward until NO CONTACT with the OM is committed to by her. Then we talk about our relationship.

I'll get the Surviving an Affair book tomorrow and read the whole thing.

Why don't you give it a few pleasant evenings without relationship talk, or A talk - give her a chance to see what you are really offering; an opportunity for romantic love that does not include beating her over the head about her mistake at every turn, and your "niceness" as the gate price for doing so?

I can do that. Maybe that's the real "space" she needs. Space from being brow beaten every night. I can do that (I think/hope).

To reiterate another poster: SLOW THE H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS DOWN!!!!

You have exposed. Good.

Plan A means that you meet her needs and avoid Love Busters. It does not mean you cook her dinner and demand (love buster) to know that it's over.

Cool it. C-O-O-L I-T!

Shower her with conversation and affection. Cook her dinner, clean the house, be affectionate. Send her random texts through the day. Drown her in your love.

Keep snooping, and DO NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE A UNLESS YOU HAVE CONCRETE EVIDENCE!

Set a time limit for your Plan A - six weeks, three months, six months - not six days or six hours. Continue meeting her EN's and avoiding LB's AT ALL COSTS.

If, after your time limit for Plan A you still feel you have concrete evidence of continued A activity, then you move to plan B.

Capice?

Breathe!

Everything,

Like HHH said, SLOW DOWN. If you want advice from us, read what we write and follow up. NO WHERE in my response to you did I say to talk about the OM and your relationship. I think the more you read here, the more you will realize that there are strict rules of engagement if you want to end your wife's affair. MarriageBuilders is not a buffet and you cannot pick and choose what bit you like and leave the ones you don't. You take it ONE STEP AT A TIME. Right now, your first step is to LOVE YOUR WIFE and show her you love her by meeting her EN's and avoiding LB's (Love Busters). Do that tonight and report back to us later.

And if the A isn't all the way over, what do I do? The exposure is supposed to help bust up the A, and I am supposed to show her how great I am and can be. I can be extra nice and give all the love I can, but if she continues to talk/see him every day at work, what do I do? Doesn't Play A require that the EA be 100% over with NC to work?

dude - ya gotta read up. Look up at the top of this page where is says, "Articles" and "Basic Concepts".

Plan A comes first for the time limit you have set for yourself (you say nothing to WW about it and you sure as heck don't ever say, "I'm in Plan A." You don't even mention this site to her at all - not yet.)

If/when Plan A doesn't work to stop the affair (and it almost never works on its own), then you go to Plan B.

But please start reading, or you will only be massively confused and won't understand anything we're trying to tell you.

Exposure AND Plan A are used to break the affair up. You Plan A to compete w/ the OM and the fantasy of the A, for your set time limit. Once you pass this time limit, Plan A has built new, good memories of you linked with good feelings of all your meeting ENs and avoiding LBs. Then, if after your time limit, the A hasn't ended, you move into Plan B - leaving her with GREAT memories of you, and then you remove yourself.

So it will be YOU meeting MORE of her needs BETTER than the OM - and then you take that away, and leave only the fantasy. Then she will have to compare and decide.

@everything -

Did you meet her, decided to marry, and then got married all in a day or two. NO!

The chemicals in her brain are telling her that she is in love. Accept it. Read what is Plan A. You need TIME to allow her to detoxify.

The A is not going to just explode in a matter of minutes. That is her decision. You didn't read any of the posts I linked for you.

[SHOUT]

WHEN YOU WANT TO CONTINUE TO TALK ABOUT THE AFFAIR AND THE OM, YOU ARE DEPLETING YOUR $LB$.

[/SHOUT]

Follow @Melody's suggestions for meeting WS intimate ENs.

When you discuss the A and OM and try to meet those ENs this is probably looks like:

Conversation

Everything: How was your day?

WS: Okay.

Everything: Did you hang out with OM?

WS and OM: Yeah we had the greatest day. You know he bought me flowers. He said I needed a pick me up.

OOPS!

Recreational Companionship.

Everything: Hey want to play some cards?

WS: Okay.

Playing some cards. Joking and laughing together.

Everything: So have you stopped seeing OM?

WS and OM: NO. In fact the end of November him and I are going on a ski vacation together.

OOPS!

Get the picture? In other words when you are meeting her needs and by mentioning the A and OM, you are not being intimate. In fact you are creating a threesome.

e, you bring up the OM continually and demand that she end her affair. Do this about every 2 to 3 days. Tell her if she doesn't get rid of him it will lead to divorce. If you don't bring it up often and do it PASSIONATELY, she will rightly conclude you don't give a damn.

But more importantly, EXPOSE this affair as I outlined above. Confront loser boy and tell him how there is no future in his affair. All of your focus needs to be on breaking up the affair. Your job is to cause constant, unremitting CONFLICT in the affair. Don't let her rest a SECOND.

e, your job is open up holy unmitigated HELL on her affair. This means you DO bring it up and you DO demand she end it and you DO talk about divorce:

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

Here is the message that needs to be sent to your wife and the OM:

SickofLimbo was criticized by Steve Harley for avoiding relationship talk [apparently some well meaning but misguided board member told him "no relationship talk" I have no idea why] and being too tepid when he did:

She wants to separate but she has no place to go. I won't leave my home. Can I still follow Plan A and give her all the love and attention she needs during this time? What if the WW continues to act out/talk with OM and see him on occasion? Should I get the legal separation and then hope for the best? I'm so confused. I want to be with her, but she needs to learn about herself first. WHAT THE HECK DO I DO? I'm so friggen lost.