Hi there!
This is my first and likely only post here for a long time, and that's good...as I'm not married! I have been reading this site for about a year and a half, and stumbled on it randomly. Oddly, I have been reading this site like a class that never ends. Why? Initially I was looking for some tools to help a niece that was considering (at 22 and in school) getting married! Ugh. She was EA-ing through the whole relationship, and blaming father-abandonment issues, and so on. She was reading, in my opinion, very dangerous books, and doing exactly what is ill-advised here. During this turmoil to stop this impending disaster, I stumbled on and had been reading here for about a month looking for �gentler� language to use with her to coach her out of this mess on the horizon. Yep � was using MB for �gentler language�! LOL. We finally talked for 4 hours alone, and, well, thanks to all of you and the MB principles, we had a great talk about accountability, gaslighting, EAs, cake-eating...the whole shabang. Anyway, she's fine, in school and back on track. Felt I had to explain how I got here and why I felt the need to post today.
I read about � of CWMI's thread, and I have to either respond, or my head will explode regarding work travel and entertainment and EPs. I didn't want to post on CWMI's thread as I would not be so arrogant as to offer advice...I just have general comments that she can read, or not.
I travel 6 to 8 days overnight each month, and have so for about 15 years. My entire career before travel is in the �sales� field: happy hours, golf outings, events, etc.. For the last 10-esque years, I have been in the same industry where folks just move around, but the core crowd is the same. The Vegas annual trips (4/year), the client events...all of it. IT IS A BREEDING GROUND for trouble, trouble, trouble. I have never seen such �respectable� people � men and women � display such despicable behaviors...ever. It is DANGEROUS.
Disclaimer: no, not everyone. I'll add to that below. However, MB principles are crystal clear that each and every person is susceptible to an affair or just poor behavior, and I can tell you that a) I was one of them many years ago in my late 20s/early 30s as a single gal thinking this was glamorous), and b) affairs aside, this lifestyle is NOT conducive to any healthy relationship long term.
CWMI: this is specifically in support of you, so take it for what it's worth. I absolutely adore you.
I love my job at this very moment. I absolutely despise the part of my job that requires me to attend the �dinner�, and the �cocktail hour�. I also have a rule that seems to adjust by the month. My rule used to be �nothing good happens after 11:00". Then it was 10:00. And, so on. Now? The minute I think I won't be missed, I'm outta there. No goodbyes...I just excuse myself to the ladies room, and exit to the elevator. Many people do this! LOL! Both men and women...married and single.
We all know who we are, and those that aren't in that �club� don't know there is that �other� club, because they enjoy this crap and don't miss us. Note: I am no shrinking violet. My job is to do this crap skillfully, but it sucks the life out of me. I'm just great at disappearing to go to where the �better place� is. (That would be my room with HBO). But, you know what? I am also human and vulnerable. I've felt on many occasion that �spark� at an event...and, if there is a �chink� in my armor that day? More so. And, so I call on my boundaries and run. Now I do. 20 years ago? Still wanted to be in the �cool crowd�.
CWMI: also for you...
I am refinancing my house to 7 years from 25.. This is due to interest rates in part, but I decided to do this last year. Why? EP for my husband that I have not met yet. I want to NEVER have to be a night away from this man (that I have not met yet) ever. This is going to put me a great risk financially, and will take very penny of disposable income I have to make it work. But, I'm doing it so that in 4 years? 5 years? 3 years? I will not have to TRAVEL or attend any event that does not include my spouse. We all know one can make more money if you can travel. It's life. I want to set myself up for not feeling like I have to make the $ that travel jobs require. If I were your husband (and, I know it's easy to say), job would be gone. Gone, gone, gone. EP.
CWMI, stick to your guns, and do not accept the travel job. You, and I'm sorry girlfriend, are likely married to the group that likes the recognition, excitement, etc., that a job like his offers to HIM. I started writing this before I finished reading your thread. Maybe things have changed for the better (and, they certainly can...you have so many great people here (V) supporting you). I just believe that there are a certain element that won't choose to find the validation at home as first priority. Hey � work success is fantastic! But, not when it puts a marriage in jeopardy. The most important �atta boys!� should come from home.
And, I'm sure you're getting tons of help to make that happen.
CWMI, I hope you achieve what you want. Truly, and I don't know why of all the stories here, yours moved me enough to register and write all of this. I think I just like ya.
The internet can be an evil thing if used as such, but like anything else, it can be a blessing. Somehow, you, a complete stranger, have made me a more resolved me. How does that happen? I don't know, but there it is.
One other note...I often print key things I read here from the vets and general boards, and am making a pretty binder for my niece for the �real marriage� one day (hopefully in 10 years, for Pete's sake). Success stories, tools, etc. MB people...you may already know, but please realize how very far reaching you are. This place amazes me in the wisdom and love and 2 x 4s in balance like no other.
Thank you from a drive-by. You never know who you touch, or why.
