Good call Niitse,

I read that grieving has all those stages Niitse mentioned, but not in any specific order either. Nor is there a timeframe you can assign to each person for any stage.

I know Harmony, it stinks, but you will eventually move through all the stages of this loss.

I also heard someone say that everyone grieves differently and it is a very personal proscess that can't be rushed to the point of emotional acceptance. That makes sense doesn't it? Otherwise we would be filling the void and could lead to rebound decisions in relationship(s).

Coming here to vent is fine, your anger is justified and he has given you no other choice anyways. This is a support site for just such things.

Even if he came home hat in hand the anger would still be there and needs to be addressed. Just don't beat yourself up and seek the peace you can find thru knowing you are living away from the drama.

Do you have a personal IC that can help you also with objective thinking and moving on with what you want in your life?

Also, do you have to sell the house?, or do you just want to get away from it anyway?

What are the details of the divorce and the protection your Lawyer has planned for you?

Hi Harmony,
I think it's good to come here and lay out all your frustrations, I think we all feel that anger from time to time......
It is like going through a death, going through the stages is a very normal thing.....
It's okay to be mad about the life changes you are going through.
I think when someone else's makes decisions that we feel we have no control over it's a tough thing to swallow.......I feel like that a bit myself.......I feel like I just didn't have the control over my own life like I wanted and just had to accept someone else's decision, that pisses me off.......
But it isn't all out of my control or yours, you still have a choice in what happens from here....
It's time for you to take that control back for yourself......You need to get behind the wheel again........
Your logic side needs to kick into gear now, accept life for what it is and start controlling the parts you can.......
Your husband has controlled things long enough, it's your turn now........you know what's best for you...............
Make sure everything is in place for you, agreement, financial and your support system is in place.........
Slowly you will feel better and life will feel worth living again.......
((hugs)) sorry you are feeling out of sorts today.......

I Agree with what Jessie said too.

Hi Guys

You words are very comforting, I am trying to take back the control for my life.

It is very tough, I am going through such a range of emotions, but it is not anywhere as tough as I thought it was going to be. I mean by this that I am functioning and getting on with things.

I do feel like a shadow of my former self. I do feel like I have been through 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and all my energy and life has been zapped out of me.

Sometimes I go through stages of missing him, which is bittersweet after how he treated me.

I did think about talking to IC, but I honestly know that the only therapy I need is time.

I feel quite distraught I did not walk away much sooner, and I suspect this is because I sensed that he had such an internal struggle between the person he wanted to be, and the person he had been bought upto be.

I do feel quite traumatised at how he has treated me.

OK bounce back again Harmony!

The main thing is, I know at some point in the future that I am going to be so much happier! I am trying to get there but it feels hard.

It is good to know that you don't actually need a man in your life, it is very empowering.

I just feel at the moment, that I am recovering from a major trauma or something!!

My suggestion at IC was so you could maybe take a look at your picker, and find out what your taste in men comes from.

I know you have learned a lesson Harmony, it is the triggers that might get you in trouble again, thats all.

Have a great weekend

You are, and you will too. Like you said , time is part of it.

Hello All

Still in Plan B and DARK.

It all feels very empowering, I don't feel the need to contact him at all.

Had a low moment this morning when I woke up alone in my house on a Sunday morning. I have a lovely 4 bed house and it was just me in it, it was so quiet. I thought this house should be full of life with a family in it, with the rooms filled and sometimes that gets me, when I feel like that I just get myself out in the fresh air for a run and usually feel better.

One day it has to happen, I don;t want to feel like I am always waiting for that.

I had a lovely day out with my mum and sister on Friday, they have been great, we had such fun. One thing that is good, is that I have not felt the need to talk about H or contact him.

I saw my Dad this afternoon, he looks very poorly, I know he is really worried about me and I keep trying to reassure him I am ok and not to worry. He just said, your not ok and I do worry! I don't really know what to say to that.

Its weird, because of the situation people expect you to be in a bad place, but don't know that actually you feel loads better that you are out of a negative situation.

I have made one decision though, I only want to surround myself with people who have a positive influence on me from now one!

There is still some confusion. I still somewhere maybe stupidly, hope that my H truly loves me, and is in pain during this Plan B and will realise the error of his ways. This is the only thing stopping me from filing from D. I have noticed that when I am low I have a tendency to romanticise the relationship, but this site has helped me keep my feet on the ground and then I remember the way he has actually treated me, and how this is abusive. I wish I could put this behind me and file for D, I really know its a lost cause. Using my boundaries, what I have learnt from this site, I would file for D and never look back, so why can't I bring myself to do this?

Can someone help explain this?

Harmony.

Listen�. listen to yourself. You aren�t ready. That�s OK. You are exploring your new reality. That�s OK too. More than OK � it�s exactly what you need to be doing.

Where are you? You are in the middle. It is an uncertain place. Accept it is uncertain. Stop fighting it and accept it.

Be still in yourself. Stop trying to move from this to that. You have been frantic since you showed up here. What should I do next? Why isn�t this working? What now?

Listen to yourself Harmony. Your voice is the only one that matters right now. Stop telling it to be quiet. The voice will ground you in your power if you listen to it.

Be still in yourself and accept where you are. Every moment is just a moment. It isn�t a life sentence. It will pass. The pain and grief and remorse and shame and regret and paralyzing fear are just moments. Steep in them, listen to them, and stop fighting them

Stop, and be still. Decide not to be frantic. It can be done.

I am going to make a guess here and remind you: contacting OM right now is a really, really bad idea. It is one of the most self destructive decisions you could make.

Seeking is right Harmony.

Good advice.

Is your Dad well enough to discuss how much better you are doing? Like most dads he probably will allways worry about his children, and he never will feel his job is totally done raising and teaching him. If he is really sick, its important that he know you are doing better on whatever level he understands, and that you appreciate him.

I know my children, or anyones children for that matter, can't be tottally prepared for lifes challanges and lessons. True some are better prepared than others, but the hearts intentions should allways be considered when it comes to our parents. Where was there heart and focus and what did they spend time doing for us? Did they stick thru everything?

There are just some things our kids need to learn at thier own pace and in the right time for them. We try to give them the basics and when we are not around them anymore when they are adults, hope the world doesn't beat them up to bad if some of the lessons didn't stick, or we didn't cover those twisted little turns that life throws at them when they are on thier own.

Many times we hope that they will come to us still as adults, and then we can reason with them as adults also, because we will all allways need support, even us parents.

All your Dad needs is for you to spend time with him, sooth his anxiety with your presence, for him to know you are still learning and growing, and you have him to thank for the inner self that tells you life can be better.

He needs to know you are making the right desicions and that he has been part of that.

I need to beleive in something that goes beyond the temporal and that our efforts in love serve a greater cause or reality that gets messed up in our perception of ourselves, and our purpose in life. A greater good, one out of our reach but worth living for, and sometimes it seems to escape us when we are allways thinking about the bills and details we must attend to.

I need to have peace with myself that everything I am currently doing is towards a good end, and that my conscience is clear. I have a feeling your Dad needs that too. I am not saying I know anything to achieve that for anyone including myself, but being alone, or not working together for those good things in life which give us peace and wholsomeness, is probably the scariest feeling I will ever know.

Your a great daughter Harmony, let your Dad know he is part of that and spend time with Him.

Ah, but thats just the Dad in me talking..Lol, We are so jealous..

Hiya Seeking

Thanks for your post, it means a lot. ITA with what your saying, I need to take one big CHILL PILL!! I tell you what this biological clock does all sorts of things to your mind power...It can really mess you up.

I don't feel ready in my heart, but my head is telling me to get the D done. I have not lost out on all hope that my H will hit rock bottom, but I know this is going to be very slim. I am fighting years of emotional programming, an entire family and all the doe eyed woman out there willing to lap it up. I so wish I could just walk away.

It really is just an emotional roller coaster and sometimes I feel that he is going to walk in and say 'hi honey' and every thing is back to normal. The mornings are the worst. Don't get me wrong, I think it was you Seeking who said Plan B is a whole lot better than been back with WH under the wrong conditions. I need this time on my own to figure out who I am, to self soothe, to be happy in my own skin to not have to rely on someone to make me happy.

OH and you mentioned OM, OK there is no point lying on this site. I sent him an email, told him what was going on, and he called me, it felt really good, we just chatted for about 1hour and half as friends. I told him what has been happening, and he said he was sorry that things had not worked out, that when I sent him the NC letter, he really hoped that we would work through it. I told him some of what went on, and he said I deserved better and that the way my H was dealing with my infidelity was not normal. He said that there will be someone out there for me, who would treat me better and care for me and that I would be better off in the long run. He also apologised for starting this mess off, and that he has learnt a lot from it. I don't know, I am just very untrusting of anyone at the moment, like JL said he is encased in a man who sleeps with a married woman.

I know I am going to get lots of 2 x 4's but he is a friend to me. I know that he is the kind of person that I could pick up the phone at whatever time and we would be ok.

Jl - I know you haven't posted in awhile, but I really have you to thank for me being so grounded!! I appreciate what you have said to me about being on my own, it feels so empowering, I don't actually need a man. I am still concerned about many things such as why I chose someone whenI knew red flags, whether my H is capable of changing and whether it is worth waiting, whether I am slightly depressed as I am still a shadow of former self.

Hiya Constant

Thanks for your words about my Dad. Also, thank you for listening to me....

Ok nothing is straightfoward in this life time, so bare with me. I can't believe I am going into all of this, and I know your posts are long (i love them!) so I am allowed long posts too occasionally!!

My Dad and I have had an odd relationship. My mum and dad divorced when I was 8 years old, my Dad was a serial cheater and physically abused my mother and occasionally hit my sisters. My dad is now very remorseful of this. This was a long time ago and as I was very young only saw some of it happening. My mother divorced my father when I was 8 and pretty much hooked up with my Step Dad within a year.

I found this really difficult, losing my Dad, then 12 months later moving into a new home with a new man. I did struggle with this for a few years.

However, I idolised my father until way into my late teens and only when I started to become an adult I saw him for what he is. I can only really say that I have become close to him again whilst all this is going on with H. He has been great support.

You know what they say dont you? That a girl marries her father? Well it looks in the grand scheme of things I did. Which may explain why I find it maybe easier to overlook some misdemeanours as I remember many a time when I was a little girl, my Dad crying. Also, I think my Dad leaving abruptly when I was little, could perhaps mean that when people leave my life I find it really hard? I do seem to always have some kind of min breakdown when a relationship ends!!!

My H is like my father, he is a workaholic, a 'mans man, LOVES golf, is self centred, has different faces and I was always trying to get his attention!

I am not really sure where I am going with all of this, appart from whatever the history I love my father deeply, and just want him not to worry about me. However, my father sees happiness as being settled in a relationship with a family so will not have peace with me living on my own and being 'ok'. If you get that? I sometimes want him to realise that you can be happy on your own?

I will keep plugging it, and have told him of my reasons, but for him I think he sees many likeness in my H from his past. My Dads words to me, daughter, when you are emotionally upset you do things that are out of character, however he did add, that he needs to get a grip on his emotions.

Bit messed up at the moment, I am better than I thought I would be and I am ok. Maybe this is what time on your own is all about sorting the wheat from the chaff.

Rambling tonight. Want to stop thinking and start living in the moment.

I think the problem is, I still feel 'owned' by H because of the marriage/ the house/ the control, maybe thats what is holding me back?

Harmony.

You asked me for input a while back. Now, let me provide some unsolicited commentary:




I shouldn't need to point out that "a friend" who you would "be ok" with is hardly someone willing to drop pants and rub nasties with a married woman.

I shouldn't need to point out that such "a friend" would have no qualms about destroying a marriage to get his own needs met.

I shouldn't need to point out that, after months on this site, after hours and hours of time invested BY OTHERS, after countless posts FOR YOU, you should have more respect for your H, your M, and your self.

How dare you.

Glad you posted that. My crystal ball already figured there was some issues with Dad anyway and I don't know if you mentioned parents were divorced or not, but it seemed like they were.

Ussually if there is a problem in the home when children are little, thier is a tendancy to marry someone who reflects the member who has the greatest obvious problems. Or, you run away screaming from them. So marries thier father? well trys to fix past problems and look for redemtion is probably a more apt phrase. But I get where your coming from totally.


So worth looking into anyway, you might have been compensating in your marriage or something. I don't really know how to put it cuz I am not a professional counselor. I just hope you find one who "gets it" for you. A good one is invaluable, the wrong one is frustrating.


I will post later to smack you with 2x4s about OM. In short, he blew it when he slept with you and even if he knows it and is sorry, he is NOT freind material. Glad he is man enough to know it.

Sounds like you are getting objectivity and working on life issues Harmony. TTYL

Agree with Mrs. V on this Harmony. And for the record, Mrs. V is the wayward in her sitch (in case you didn't notice her sig) so it's not just BS's smacking you with 2x4's. This was really a terrible decision.

I guess I will sit back and wait for JL to come along to plant another boot firmly in your rear end..... A well deserved boot I might add.

Hi

I am just going to roll over and take the 2 x 4s. I have been quite apprehensive about posting that here, but there is no point if I am not going to be honest.

I guess I am just a bit messed up at the moment, and talking to him felt good.

I told him about this place and what everyone had said about 'OM'. He said that he deeply regrets what happened but he loves me. He even said he would post here, not that I want him too.

Boy what a mess.

Harmony,
Don't complicate your life with any of that again.......I know it's hard when you feel down and out and alone......
Brush yourself off and get back on the train going straight to Harmony's happiness and better days, the more days you waste the longer your new life and family can happen......
Stop going backwards and start going forward.......go out, meet new people......
Make a better, happier life for yourself......

Geez Harmony...haven't you learned anything here? So, since your WH is out there acting like a fool you figured it was fine for you to act the same? Unbelievable....


All that I can say to this is

And I thought you were really learning and making progress. Boy was I wrong....

And what would happen if your husband came back full on working on the marriage then to find out that you talked to OM during "plan B" ??????

I think you just screwed up ANY CHANCE saving this marriage.

I'm sorry you might as well get that divorce there is no repairing all this dishonesty in your relationship with your husband.

P.S what you did was very selfish and very immature and we thought you learned something here on MB. Might as well just end your marriage.

Your the one that did it sweetie.