Sure you can. There are motel rooms for rent everywhere.

Yes the house will be sold, but I cant get into another house and comit to a mortgage and new place to live just to find out were spliting up. Things need to get much better until I spend everything i have to get into a new house. All money was used paying off matial dept and lawyer retainers.

Is there a point where the damage is so severe that its would be better to just walk away.

Yes, you are at that point probably now...you sold the house, you have nothing in common with her any more, right? Unless you have kids...I am not sure i did not read your whole thread.
blessing

The house isn't sold it will put up for sale after janurary. We have to little girls 4 and 6. If i didnt I would have been gone along time ago.

Welcome to MB. You are WAAAYY early into this thing. Settle down. Get a plan. If you have the $$, your best bet is to contact the coaching center here at MB and get some direction from them. It's a little pricy but way less than a divorce. Until then, order "Surviving An Affair" and get busy.

Find the "Carrot and Stick of Plan A" thread and the thread for newly betrayed BSs (MUST READ!)

You can fight this, but fight it right. If it fails, you'll know you did everything right with the added bonus that you will be personally recovered.

The "newly betrayed BSs" was great. Full of info. Having trouble with the Carrot and Stick thread. Search is not working for me.
Does anyone have a direct link to the post?

Thanks everyone for guiding me through these times. Every bit helps!!

Carrot/Stick Link:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2400725&page=1

Hi there,
You are on the right track being here, if you want to save your marriage, follow the plan here to save your marriage......
Listen to the vets they can set you up with a plan if that is what you want......you have 2 little girls, it's a least worth an effort,
Watch the movie Fireproof, one person can start a new beginning even if you are at rock bottom.....
You will have to put your own feelings aside for now and just work on the plan, expect nothing ...........you can only control yourself .............
Keep this in mind it's not over until it's over, anything you do can be reversed and it not set in stone........
Remember that what the OM and your wife foget to take into consideration is YOU.......You have the power to win her back, be the man she has always wanted, make her re-think her decision.......be that man she can count on, tell her you can forgive her and love her even when she hasn't been the best wife.........that you will not give up on her..................

I have some questions.
We are back together both seeing pro. help and have app for joint pro. help. However there are a bunch of things that just get my blood boiling.
She wont do anything to hurt him(ex when we are outside she keeps her distance when he is around or any chance of him seeing,
She never told him to never contact again and she still defends him)
She wants to move(as do I) but she talks about buying things that they picked out during her affair(ex furniture, bedding)
When things do trigger me, I get into my funk she gets pissed off. In fact she acts like shes angry with me alot. Cant bring anything up or it turns into a fight or she is justifies actions(ex she says that she didnt make good decision with kids BUT im sure they would have been fine)
The worst is the fact that she has very strong feeling for him still, If i said I wanted a divorce she would go back to him in minutes and She says I need to show her good times or I will push her back into his arms.
I dont believe they are in any contact. He is moving to new house in a week, so that will help.

How do I handle these types of things. Its like she keeps pushing the knife deeper into my heart. I understand that I have to show her what she will lose BUT I also need to feel good about the situation as well.

What do you all think!!!!

Hi there,
I think the only thing you can do is be the best you, you can be.
You can't expect anything in return at this point, don't let the hurt of that throw you off.......
She is still in the fog stage of her relationship with the OM and her thinking is not going to normal until she has gone through the withdrawal stage, this will only happen when she doesn't see him or speak to him again........
It takes a few weeks.......
Try to get a hold of your triggers I know that is tough but you have to appear, strong and in control of yourself, she wants to see a strong man, not a whimp......
When she has let go a little of that relationship you will see she will thinking more normally........
This isn't a quick fix, my husband took about 3 months to see what the real story was with his affair.......
You have to make sure she doesn't run into the OM or speak to him......spend your free time with her so she just doesn't have time......
Make sure she is happy doing things with you and your family......
Just enjoy the day as it comes, don't worry about tomorrow yet........
Slowly things will get back to just you and her........
Patience and No Expectations at this point.....this is about you being the stronger one right now.........

Sounds like perfect advice. I need to get hold of my emotions and go with the flow.

Thank You

@aka -


This is pure waywardness .

She is telling you to be her doormat or else. Do you want to be a doormat? She is telling you to be responsible for her happiness. Are you the one who is responsible for her happiness?

Do you want to live a life of walking on eggshells?

At some point you have to stop this.

@aka -

The way I view this is she is still in the affair. You need to read up on Plan A. The agreement for NC on her part is a big step forward. You really need a NC Letter from her.

Is she 100 percent out of the ema? I'd find this out first. She sure does sound like she's still in it.

Begin slowly. Plan A. And re-read the carrot and stick until it's second nature. Snoop carefully. Get a PI (I had one, found out all I needed to know in 1 night)if needed. Keylogger maybe too or var (tape under the drivers' seat waaaay out of view(did that one too and found out more).

She is like the other say foggy. Really foggy. She cannot be in any way to recover or work until she pulls head out of [censored]. It is far better to know the rock bottom truth and take things from there rather than believe the words of a ws. Why? You simply can't believe them in any way.

Far as I know she hadn't had any contact. I have just about everything covered. Absolutely no signs of further contact. I have questioned her about a few things but it just turns into her pissed about me snooping and she feels violated. Then she snaps at me usually saying something nasty. Over the last few weeks it feels like we have lost any connection we had. Unfortunately are marriage counseling has been canceled until mid Nov. I think we definitely need this because we just don't agree in so many issues.

Hi again,
She isn't going to agree with you anymore about anything, she is still trying to make you out to be the bad guy here, this is how in her mind she justifies her affair......my husband did the same thing......
I just kept saying, I don't want to separate, I have always loved you........and I owned my part in the marriage breakdown, but I told him if he was in love with someone else that he was free to go.....
I asked him to not disrupt our lives anymore than he had already, the boys and I would stay in the house he would move from the life he had known all these years and onto a life with someone he had only know for a short time.....
Well when I gave him his freedom and seemed understanding I think he could see what he had done and the damage that he had created with his selfishnes.....
It takes time though it does not happen overnight......
I looked good, smelled good, showed compassion and understanding....
I was strong and did what I had to do to move on with a life without him, I think he could see that his choice was going to be a reality and not just the fantasy it had been, exposure was the worst for him, I think he actually thought people would think the way he was about having an affair, well guess what almost everyone thought he was being an idiot and making a very stupid move......
I guess that's the foggy thinking......
They actually believe a lot of wayward thinking.
When they come out of it it's a different story.........

Of course she feels pissed, and violated. She's had a lot to hide! My FWW was "shocked" that I would check the online phone record to see who she had been texting/calling. Heck, I was "shocked" that I did it myself.

She doesn't need privacy if she wants to be married. You don't need that kind of privacy. You both need accountability!

I hope she snaps out of this or at least improves. I can't continue this much longer. I'm dedicated on working it out but can't onesided.
My biggest question is how do I handle our marriage counseler. Do I refrain from discussing anything so she doesn't react irrationally or do I just lay out what's going on and what she is doing to piss me off.

I hope she snaps out of this or at least improves. I can't continue this much longer. I'm dedicated on working it out but can't one sided.
My biggest question is how do I handle our marriage counseler. Do I refrain from discussing anything so she doesn't react irrationally or do I just lay out what's going on and what she is doing to piss me off.

Update �verything is going very good. We are in a better place than before. I actually feel like she being remorseful.
The neighbor moved what a relief.
A few questions
I really have a hard time with a few things.
I think she still has strong feeling for him.
She told me he was her soul mate and I was a stepping stone. I want to ask her about these things but I'm nervous because I think she really thinks he might be.
She wants are marrige to work but she has intense feeling for him and she believes they were real. No matter what I tell her.

Any comments will be great.