my husband has been getting high with my sister for over 10 years,now i have found voice recording of things, hotel recietps to atlantic city, he stays the night with her more than 2 days some time. but all this is being blamed on me because i dont let him touch me any more! but this is why ive had enough. i was not stong enough before but i feel i am now, i have taken to much disrespect from the both of them.HELP!

Are you saying that they are having an affair?
It is never your fault if someone else has an affair,
that is their decision......
I think you need to slow down, get all the evidence you can and then talk to the two of them,
Then if it's true then decide what you want to do, save your marriage or go your separate ways.......
Exposure would be the next step.........
But take some time first to get yourself together and work out some plan for yourself
good luck

Why dont you want him to touch you? Not that it is any excuse for an affair but what happened that you never make love with him now?

So, let's get this organized. I'm not sure what you're upset about. Your S has been getting buzzed with your H for awhile. Okay, got that. And you have been okay with that for ten years. You've blessed him staying with her? What the hell were you thinking? Letting your H stay overnight alone with anyone???

What do you want, mashima? You threw your H into your sister's lap, you know that, right? What do you want now?

thanks 4 the words but no i dont know 100% if something has happened? im trying to get my husband back! and say [censored] my sister,she is dead to me! im doing all i can before i make a major plan about my family.thanks again.

i want my husband back he is mine!!!!!!!! i did not want to see what was going on before.and he would not stop getting high with her before so how am i going to stop it now if i didnt have evough nerve to stop it then:( i need to step to her to see what my feadback will be? but my family tells me not to because i might go to gail?

when he started not coming home, going to atlantic city with her and staying in hotels with her. this is why i didnt want him to touch me! i had a gut feeling somthing was going on! saying this just makes me feel so stupid to have stayed with him this long:(

Okay,

1. He is getting high with your sister, and you knew it. Now you appear to have changed your mind about this, and don't like it. Is this because he stopped getting high with you, or because he started sleeping with her?

2. Your family tells you that "you" might go to jail. I don't get why that might be, unless you are somehow wrapped up in the dope issue with him. Leaving your husband should not result in going to jail, and neither should getting him back. JMHO

3. If he has been staying in hotels with your sister, he has been having an affair with her. That is plain enough for anyone reading tea leaves.

4. Seems to me like this sentence:



means only one thing to me. It means that you do not want him back because you love him. It means you want him back because he is a "thing" that you perceive that your sister took from you.




I do want to understand something:


If you can answer this, without saying, "Because I love him", I might be convinced you have a shot at recovering the marriage....

Can you tell me why you would want to recover a marriage to a man who goes off to another town to sleep with your sister, and to do drugs with your sister, for a period of at least ten years????

Schoolbus

mashima, have you read the basic concepts on this site, and the requirements for recovery from an affair:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html

i never thought of it like that. why am i selling my self so short:( i just want us to be like we use to be before she came down here. i dont get hi.

The issue is that your husband does get high.


Your husband has CHOSEN to live a life of complete betrayal of you - over the course of ten years - with your sister.


There was no "before she came down here", because the chances of this being your husband's first affair are quite slim. I say that because he has no difficulty going to another town, over the course of ten years, using drugs and sleeping with your SISTER.

The mere fact that he could conceal this from you for this period of time makes me suspect there are other "other women" in his life. A person who cheats for this length of time makes me very wary of other affairs. This is a very long time to be unfaithful - and becomes a mindset of being "okay". Thus, it just would not shock me to find out she is not the only one.



You are selling yourself short because your family is stupidly telling you that if you leave him you will go to jail. My guess is that your family is also trying to tell you that you need to forgive your sister and make things OKAY so that family holidays and everything can be happy-happy-happy.

That's all crap.

Your sister deserves to be written out of your life.
This man needs to be out of your life as well.


Both have betrayed you, they are both involved in drugs, and my question still remains:


Why would you want to recover this marriage?



Has this man shown ANY remorse? ANY willingness to stop the dope? ANY desire to repair the damage?


Or, has he just said, "It was just sex, it didn't mean anything, so get over it."


SB

thanks alot, i read it again. but he will not admit anything or try to act like there is a problem..

Then you need to boot him out and go to Plan B.


If you choose to sweep this under the rug, you will not recover the marriage. You will be more and more resentful, and your husband will just continue with his affairs.


Give him to heave ho to another place to live, and tell him you are done with the affair-husband, and that you want a husband once again who is faithful and willing to work a marriage plan with you. Otherwise, he can stay gone.


Ready yourself for Plan B, and then make it happen.
Otherwise, you will maintain the status quo, and nothing will ever change, because he will know you have no backbone.

SB