Only one small change I would recommend. One addresses clarifying the "emergency" status. I would just say "an emergency involving serious injury or illness of one of the boys".

I agree with this.......

I was trying to figure out what to write. I had, "accident, illness, etc." But I edited it out. I will put it in the way you suggested.

So, today, I took the kids to the temporary site of the Niagara Falls Museum. It is in the Niagara Falls Armoury. I used to go to Air Cadets there. It is a place where they have some historical things that have to do of the war of 1812. A lot of the battles took place in this area. We even went to the Drummondville Cemetery to see the monument to the Battle of Lundy's Lane in 1814. The kids were just soaking up the history. Lots of fun.

Thanx guys. I guess the message is now ready to send. I will let my new IM know. She has been a little busy with Bampot asking a question about the truck insurance and if I disabled it from coming out of the account and now my message to him about this sitch. I guess she has done well so far. I wouldn't know, she keeps it secret. Just like a good IM should.

Well, today, after school, I talked to my IM. She is the mom of one of my son's friends. I now KNOW that she is doing a good job as IM. She said, "I am going to send an email to both of you that you need to stop the sarcasm and bullchit. It's not for you, I just don't want to look like I am taking sides." I said, "But that's the point of you being an IM, you are to filter the cr@p out." The response that she sent from the email was, "He will deposit $XX on Friday."

I so wanted to ask her what he said, but I KNEW that it was better not knowing.

.

GREAT IM!!!

I recommend the standard I was given in regards to contacting each other:

We are to talk on the phone only if someone is about to die or there is blood on the floor. Otherwise all can be handled via email and have it strictly limited to logistical things. It is a recommendation given to me by a parenting coordinator.

You can use the same standard in having him communicate with your IM. Otherwise, there is no need to hear anything about him.

You can�t control how he interacts with your son and it is very damaging for you to lecture your son about stuff his father does.

Your kid is truly neutral in all of this. He has no way to control what his father says to him and he doesn�t have the maturity and life experience to understand what is �passing messages� to you. He has no perspective on what is important and what isn�t. So lecturing your son is bad. He isn�t the problem, your ex is.

So don�t make your son feel guilty for talking to his father. That may not be the intent, but that is going to be the result.

Document your H�s behavior and pass it through the legal system or the IM that he is not to use the children in such a fashion.

But you could seriously mess up your kid by making him feel like it�s wrong to talk to his dad.

HTLD, I understand that you are all for rights of the father. I "get" that. I also know that you have had serious problems with your EX and that you are happily on to a new life.

I DO NOT put my child in the middle. I said to my son, "Daddy is not supposed to pass messages through you, you know what, I'll take care of it, don't worry. I shouldn't have said that to you." Remember, I was SHOCKED because now I had to deal with either finding a sitter or taking a day off of work. Also, that my WH called my HOUSE and not went through the IMs. I can't always be unemotional. I actually wear my emotions on my sleeve IRL. If I didn't like someone, they would KNOW.

To ever imply that I in any way have suggested that my child not talk to his dad could not be further from the truth. I, at times, have told my son that he needs to talk to his father. AGAINST MB, as this may meet a need of WH's. BUT, I KNOW my WH and if the children stop answering, he will stop calling. I am HONEST with my children. I tell my son that he is LUCKY that his father calls him everyday and that he should talk to him to keep a relationship with him. Even telling him that he can call ANYTIME. They have their own email address that they have TOTAL access to. One time, my son wouldn't answer the phone. I asked why? He said, "I want HIM to feel what it is like not to talk to me." My WH hadn't called him in 2 days. More recently, he didn't want to stop playing video games to talk. I said, "Well, then you tell your father." He answered the phone. I WANT my children to have a relationship with their father and I would NEVER take that away from them(barring any safety issues).

LOOK, I am PISSED about my WH not coming to get the children on Sunday NOT because I missed a day of work, but because he now won't see them for 13 days. Did he ask to see them a different day? NO. Does he make arrangements to use WF's car, she does have one? NO. Did he ask if there was a way for ME to get the kids to HIM? NOPE. He couldn't drive HIS truck so that's it, no seeing the kids. What do you think THAT did to my kids? I AM documenting it.

Remember, everyone is NOT you. EVERY woman is NOT your EX. I am NOT using my children as pawns and I do not in any way EVER bad mouth my WH in front of my children. The only messages they hear are the ones that I LOVE their father and that he is having an affair and that isn't right. I would want him to come home and I miss him. Does this mess them up?

Just last night, DS7, asked, "Mommy, how did you and daddy meet?" They have asked about our wedding day, and the day my WH purposed. You see, I talk about WH with them in a good light. He will ALWAYS be their father. He hasn't always been a turd. They SEE a difference in him. Remember, in this sitch HE is the wayward. HE is the one who left THEM. Like it or not, my WH, their father, chose his skank over his own children. He became a selfish man. It is not who he used to be. They can tell. I do my best to be BOTH their father and their mother, because let's face it, 10 minute phone calls 4-6 days a week and 57 hours a month does not a FATHER make.

You�re mistaking what I�m saying. I don�t by any means think you�re trying to keep your kids from talking to your kids or that you�re using them in any way. Saying what you said to your son was wrong, IMHO. Your son has no idea what his dad should and should not be doing and no life experience to know when dad is using him to do so or get info from him.

The point I�m making is that you tackle this without saying a word to your son about his father and what he�s doing.

Yes, I�m for dad�s rights, but I�m not advocating that right now. I�m talking about your son getting messed up and being made to feel guilty about talking to his dad when it is his dad that�s being the idiot. Your son, nor you, have any control over what your WH says to your son. Telling your DS that his father shouldn�t be doing something does nothing other than put your son in a position where he will either feel he can�t talk to his father, or will feel guilty for doing so, or will get into arguments with his dad.

Kids get caught in the middle. It�s unfortunate, but that�s what�s happening. What you said to your son puts him in the middle. You�re letting him know that you don�t approve of the way his father talks to him or what he says to him when neither you or your son have control over that.

I�m not projecting my ex onto you. You�re nothing like her. What I am doing is offering you food for thought over telling your kids anything regarding how they should interact with their dad.

I think that you can certainly express your feelings about him coming home and that you love him and that you miss him. There�s nothing wrong with that. But telling your son that his father is saying things to him that he shouldn�t say does nothing. It only puts your son in a bad position.

The best thing to do is to not opine on what his father says or doesn�t say. Control your own behavior and say nothing about your ex�s interaction with your kids. If you disapprove of how he interacts with them then communicate that to him in another way.

But in the end, your H is not a good father by default. He cheated and is destroying his family. By no means will I defend him or his rights. I feel you should have full custody when dealing with a cheater. BUT your kids interactions with him is out of your control, which is the point I�m trying to make. You can�t do anything about what your H does as far as seeing your kids.

You may get upset that he doesn�t see them more, but in the end that is his loss. All you can do is be the rock for your kids and comfort them when they get disappointed about their dad.

I�m saying this to you as a kid who was stuck between divorced parents. My mom use to give her opinion all the time about what my dad would or wouldn�t do. I can�t say that I disagreed with her, but the truth is that I still didn�t want to hear her say anything about him. I was able to make my own judgment on things. That�s all I�m recommending to you.

Now breathe for a second because I�m not attacking you in any way on this. I made plenty of mistakes in dealing with my kids and in dealing with my ex and saying things. I�m offering an opinion that is based on what I learned through my own IC over the years.

I admitted that I shouldn't have said what I did at first. It was a purely emotional reaction and I am prone to them, as I am most definitely HUMAN. I have shown my children that I make mistakes. It is what I do after that matters. I show them that I admit to my mistakes and that I can learn from them and make amends if I have done wrong.

I use ALL opportunities to teach my children how to become productive human beings. They are going to make mistakes, A LOT. I want them to see that we as people need to LEARN from mistakes and try not to repeat them again. And when necessary, make amends.

I NEVER told my son that I was disappointed that his father didn't come and get them. I didn't even make a big deal about it. I don't ever place my feelings on my children. I did stop myself from saying anything that I didn't want my son to hear. I am HONEST with my children about LIFE issues. I am aware that I am a teacher for them. They will either learn how to do something, or how NOT to. I hope that they learn a lot more of HOW to.

I know I and my son can NOT control anything that my WH says. I don't believe that my son feels guilty for talking to his father. I never make it a problem. My children know all about Plan B. They understand that my WH is NOT supposed to talk to me directly. He needs to call/email my IMs. My children even know who the IM is. It was something that was explained to them in the beginning.

I know that my child does not have enough life experience to know when his father is passing a message through him, so I told him. I want him to be able to say, "Daddy, you need to pass messages through IMs." Believe me, it's not a far cry from what my DS10 does naturally. He would say, "Mommy, stop asking me what we ate there, it's annoying." So, I stopped.

As far as what my DS10 says to his father, he has complete control. I NEVER say, "Don't tell your Daddy this, or that." They are free to talk about whatever they want. Although, it is usually about playing video games.

@Scotti -

I know how you feel about you wanting to protect your children. It is always hard to see your WS damaging the bond he has with them. I don't think you ever have to justify your reasons for your feelings. You are a GOOD MOM. Know that!

A little story. There once was a XWS that disappeared from her three child's lives for over two months. As time went by the children became more worried about their mother to the extent that their father was at his wit's end. The father called the XILs to try and help. One XSIL flew out the next day. Father and XSIL went through casino and drug infested ghettos talking to total strangers and police, until one policemen gave the address to a possible location. Talked to a person that was living at this location. Within an hour she is meeting up with XSIL and her kids.

The morale of the story is no matter how much I thought she was hurting her kids I could not make her choose her children over her waywardness. I am not responsible for the type of relationship she has with her kids. What I am responsible for is the relationship that I have with my kids.

IMHO, having the expectation for Bambot to have a specific relationship with his children is not very dark. You will never be responsible for that. Let it go. It is what it is. Take care of what you can. BE DARK ON YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF bambot!

The only expectation you can have is exactly what you are dealing with. Plan for this type of eventuality. It will happen again. Are you ready for it?

Hang in there!

I love that statement of Clarke Kents

BE DARK ON YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF bambot.

Love it.

You do seem to have lots of expectations of him still Scotty and you need to release to the next level of detachment.

You are not referee for him and the kids. You are not thinking of him as much and now....think of him even less often. Refocus to other things when ruminating on him.

When the kids mention something about him, nod your head and say "Umhmmmmm, I hear you honey" and be truly the neutral but stong mommy that is their base for all for the foreseeable future.

Awesome Scotty..

About Dads rights... Well here is a little bit of my experience with this major problem both in society and the courts.
First of all it is allways assumed that Dad is the culprit if something goes wrong, and the children are better off with Mom. I think we all agree this is Bullchit, but thats the way its sold to most cops and courts..nuff on that.

I found that while staying in the marriage with a wife who blamed everything wrong with her life on other people, that is was easy for her to take her aggravation out on the kids at times. I found it better for the children that I take the blame for any problems even though she was equally responsible mainly because my wife became so insistent on avoiding accoutability she would just escalate any argument if it was somehow leading to the conclusion that Mom was to blame. So I became the whipping boy so she would not mess with the childrens heads,(like her parents did to hers) as small children.

Its all I could do to break the cycle exept leave, which I would not leave them, and/or file for custody, which she allways made sure she covered her tracks well and cried victim. Because money was allways gone and I never finished school and got a degree, I couldn't really fight the legal system and I knew it. If I left the children would suffer and feel guilt that was not thiers to bear, so I bore it up front.

My plan was she would eventualy come around and get some help, and be accoutable to the children as they got older and could see through the bull, and my gift to the children was a Mom who was well then, as well to myself someone I could work on a marrige with.

The children got older and started to think for themselves. Wife could not handle that they were becoming adults and she did not have all the answers for them anymore. Her hyper-spirituality did not help them because it was so removed from practical living and the children were not at a point where they could understand that anyway. She herself would "Use the grace of God as a lisense to sin" and whenever she screwed up would say stuff like.."It was a moment of weakness", or, blame satan for all her problems. My take was that Satan was defeated and anyone not on board with that chose that crap on purpose and used Satan as an excuse. But I exercised grace allways while waitig for her to see the light as an example to the children that truth and love is stronger than anything in this world. I still believe that, and insist that I live that way.

I took the blame and the crap to keep the children from recieving even more damage that would happen if I pushed the truth, or revealed it to them in an effort to save my own image of myself to them. I don't tell them that, its to me a normal sacrifice, one I pray they never have to endure.

She chose to continue to live in denial. Now I have to deal with the fact that my older children still have a tendacy to sympathsize with their Mom as to WHY she made those choices, not that they were wise choices, but still in the mix a little bit of it being my fault.

If I had to do it again I would do the same thing, anything to protect them from the mess that was my wifes emotional state most of the time.

Here is a prime example: After a reconsilation that occured when I was gone for two years while she stopped drinking, I mean I was GONE.. and she begged and pleaded for me to return after 1 years sobrity...

It was 3 years after when she slipped up bad and went out of state for a two week binge. We had planned a family vacation with the children DD 11, 2 DS 9 and 7 prior to her taking off. I got her to come home while all the time keeeping it all under wraps because I knew where she went and her triggers. Her getting home and in healthier surroundings was crucial and my first priority even though it broke my heart again.

The kids and I jumped in the car and picked her up from the train station on the way to the trip. Now if anyone has ever seen how angry someone acts when they are guilty you would understand what I mean. She was nasty towards the children the whole trip. Not really outwardly but snapping and making them feel terrible at the littlest things. The looks she would give me were caustic, she had wanted to stay home but I insisted she go. She had had a week of me holding her hand by phone and helping her de-tox and we had never had achance to go away as a family, I wasn't gonna let the children miss it.

That night I was at the end of my rope emotionally, we were sitting around the fire and she continued to be nasty and ruin all the childrens activitys, besides shooting darts at me the whole time. I was determined to be the forgiving and broadminded Husband and Father and just take it, but I cracked.

When we were in the tent and I was falling asleep she said something cruel to my midle son that broke his heart and spirit and set me off, I jumped on her and was ready to slug her, first time ever, and then caught myself, but the damage was done with the children, and I have yet to live it down.

They only recall that Dad lost it and most of the time Dad was at fault because of one thing or another. Thats what I allowed and really thats what I taught them anyway. Hold your temper no matter what, and there is no excuse for violence. All I could do was take the blame, as I should have even if I could have escalated the pain they would have felt if I told them why I got that angry. There is no excuse.

I don't make an excuse for my behavior then or try to justify it by saying "she did and it hurt". What it did to the children is more painful to me. They did not know for 6 more years that mom had a problem with substances and as far as they knew most of thier young life things were normal but Mom was stubborn at times. Mom was also good many times to them and functioned towards me better than that example and I emphaize that as well with them allways. They have questions of what happened to her, and the best I can explain is she became a victim of her own fear and denial. I never threatened violence again and allways tried to inspire hope in them as I lived the best example I could for them.

Sometimes we have to make a sacrifice for the good of the childrens emotional health and sometimes they will never see it. Sometimes they see us not in how much we love them and want to give them everything but instead where we failed to, even when that was never our intention. Sometimes we never have that relationship we wanted with them, or show them the example we so wanted them to see, or emulate in thier lives.

What matters is we never leave them, and are willing to die for them, even if that death is who we wanted to be for them in example, and who we beleived we should be ourselves inside, and that includes our own egos and self image.

Scotty, I think you have done an awesome job of being sensitive to your childrens needs. They are entitled to the truth, and the truth is Bampot has complicated thier lives for no good reason. They will be affected by His actions, and those actions don't reflect Love in my book, or many others either.

Because that is his primary responsibility towards them, learning what it is and loving his wife should be his first priority. If he sometimes looks bad or you say he is wrong to the kids is totally justified. Kids know normal and and fair,they will have to deal with people not being normal and fair all their lives, and they will remember this also. That you might occasionally say something that can be construed as negative towards Bampot pale in your patience and love for him, and they know that.

Your standing so strong in Plan B and for insisting on real love for yourself and kiddos will live on in your kids. Remembering the beautiful times with them as they ask about them is such a sweet testimony of what is good and wholesome in life, and only fair and they understand that towards Bampot. They will never be convinced that you don't love Him, they know better.

I know that I need to let go of the relationship that they have with Bampot. I have been a work in progress with it. I am mostly out of it. I don't ask DS10 if he wants to answer anymore. I don't tell him that he is lucky that his father calls him, he already knows. It's like the lessons I teach them about telling them about my upbringing. I also get them to watch foster parents plan commercials so they understand that they should appreciate what they have.

I don't have expectations about what Bampot will do anymore in regards to his relationship with his children. I realized that it was really affecting me. Does it bug me that he doesn't call them that often? Sure. But not like it did before. I know that he broke promises to them. And I know that he will continue to break more. It is still going to affect me. It just is.

I am making improvements. Telling my DS10 that HE needed to tell Bampot that he didn't want to talk to him, was my way of letting that go.

I let my children make up their own minds about people. I have a different relationship with my family than the other people in my family do. It just is the way it is. I know the same will be true of my children and I am okay with that. I ask them about how they came to their conclusions and how they feel about things and I never tell them that they are wrong about it. I am just curious about how THEY tick.

So, in conclusion, I know that I am doing the best I can. I don't keep my children away from Bampot. I talk about the past with them because they are curious. It doesn't hurt me. It is my history and THEIRS. I talk to them about it the same way I talk about their births. Which of course involved Bampot. Is it wrong to tell them that Bampot cried when he first saw DS10 or that Bampot was the one who told me that DS7 was a boy when no one else said anything? If it is, I am willing to be wrong. I am grateful for the memories and life that I had with Bampot BEFORE the A and I am not going to throw it all away because he became a selfish man. I don't hold on to those memories but they are a part of me. Like them or not, it is what it is.

I guess that's the phrase of the day today, "It is what it is."

Thanx for looking out for me, even you HTLD. You all made me look into myself and make changes that will better my life. I also see all the changes and good I have done so far.

Dang it, Scotty, you impress the heck out of me. You really do.

Yeah Scotty, dead right on. "It is what it is" is way better than "Everythings everything" IYKWIM.

@Scotti -

Memories give us our hopes and dreams. Cherish them. The day my oldest was born I was in Virginia Beach, Va. And hours and hours of labor he was here in this world. My very first child. Weeping with joy and happiness. I was a Father. My life from before was over and I was reborn.

When I went outside to get some air there was a light snow dusting on the ground. A momentous thing for me since I grew up in the desert of Southern California. I look at him becoming a man and become filled with pride, but I always see the little child that I held in my arms soon after he was born.

I've been selfish, wayward, and renting for most of my life, but it always come back to my children. No matter what I do on this planet there will always be a part of me that will be here. I always want them to pass Dad stories onto their children. Hopefully funny and nice ones instead of dull and not so nice ones.

Today it is what it is. Today I am what I am. Tomorrow who knows...

Scotty,

I admire what you�re doing and how well you�ve been doing. I merely wish to offer food for thought. Believe me, there�s plenty of things I look back on and regret that I did with my kids while dealing with all the emotions of the mess that is brought on by divorce. It sucks.

I merely wish to offer you food for thought and advice based on the lessons I learned through years of therapy.

How you doing?

I am doing okay. I never did get your email addy. You wanna try and get mine? I am friends with PrincessMeggy on FB. If you have a FB account and you have her as a friend, we could connect that way. Otherwise, you could ask the mods for my addy.

So, today, being the 1 year anniversary of my finding this WONDERFUL place, and also being the first time that Bampot stayed out ALL night, I decided to let Bampot see me. I dressed up, bought heels, and even put on makeup. I waited for him to pull up with the kiddos, and then I walked out. The bos saw me and said, "Mommy, whatcha doing?" I said, "I am taking you to aunt's house where grandma is going to watch you, Mommy is going out for a bit." Bampot looked at me and then didn't. WF wasn't in the car(she hasn't been for a couple of weeks, so the kiddos tell me anyways). I got into the car, and so did the kiddos, as Bampot drove away, he beeped 3 times. DS10 said, "That's weird, he doesn't beep. That must have been for YOU Mommy." HAHAHAHA Kids.

DS10 was sitting in the back seat of the car all the way to my sister's house saying, where are you going? I kept saying, "Out." Then I said, maybe I am going out with a friend. He said, "Who?" I said, "You might not know this person." I seriously had no plans, except one, I needed some FOOD. Then DS10 said, "Daddy and Evil princess beep(that's what they call her) are going to a Halloween party and they are dressing up like Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street(Hot HUH? ). I admit, it does hurt me a bit. Bampot HATED going to parties and he NEVER dressed up. What the heck happens to them that they do this so out of character? Not really asking, just throwing it out there.

So, I dropped the kids off. I went to Wendy's for a salad. And now I am home with all of YOU.

DS10 also said to me, "Daddy asked if you still work at WORKPLACE." HAHAHAHAHA. I know why he asked. Yesterday, Workplace messed up my pay and it didn;t get direct deposited. It usually goes into the joint account. Well, I had to get paid in cash. Then, I depostied into my other account. I also have set up for my paycheque to get put in there permanently too. Might as well. Bampot doesn't need to know how much money I get paid. I am only going to transfer over whatever needs to be there for bills.

DS10 DOES understand that he isn't suppose to send messages from Bampot. He said, "I know Daddy is suppose to send message through IM but he wants to know if we need to be dropped off early tomorrow." I said, "Daddy sent a message through IMs before about tomorrow. I am going by that." ARGH. He caught me off guard but I really didn't know what else to say.

So, in short, that is how I am today. Actually, I am pretty darn SPECTACULAR today. I have been thinking about what my life was like 1 year ago today. I am HAPPY that I found this place. You guys are the BEST.

@Scottie -

LOL!

You sound like you're rockin'.

Who says bambot still likes going to parties. Just picture what happens to someone who is coaxed into doing something they don't want to do. Do you think him and Evil princess beep are POJAing about going to a party?

You know you are an inspiration to me.

THANK YOU!