Its been a while since I posted, but I have kept up on some threads here.

My H and I are still together, but lately it seems things arent so good. My H has been severely depressed with his job and it has been making him think about our life together too. I dont blame him at all for that either. Alot of stuff has been going on. My job hasnt been the greatest lately, we have been busy with "life" happening, and financial problems have come up. Our daughter is doing great, but is hitting the terrible two stage and H isnt sure how to deal with her fits--they really get him upset.

Through all of this we have stayed together, but H is questioning why. He doesnt think I ever truely loved him and thinks that I am with him, just because it is comforting. I know this isnt correct and that I really do love him. I need to work on showing him more of that. I tell him I love him all the time and try to show him I am sincere, but with life happening it seems he takes all the other things that go on and thinks that I am unhappy.

H and I want to be a happy family. Last night H told me we would never be normal though and its because of what I did. He is still hurting a lot, I dont blame him either for it. I know what I did was the worst thing anyone could possibly do to a spouse. I am ashamed for my actions and I have put my walls up like I should have in the first place. H says though, once a cheater, always a cheater and that I will do it again. I know in my heart that I will NEVER have an A again. He doesnt think we can truely be happy ever because he cant "get over" what happened. I dont want him to "get over" my A, I want us to re-build our marriage to be happy. The scar is there and isnt going away. All I can do is make it as small as possible.

My question today is this, if H is still here, but telling me he thinks it will never work, am I being blind in thinking there is still hope we can recover? It has been 2 1/2 years since d-day, we are at our lowest ever in life--relationships, emotions, jobs. Some days it seems things cant get worse. I believe God has a plan, but H is doubting God and his exsistence. I want to ask about counseling again and talk to a priest possibly, but in the past H has said no and he feels that is it is meant to be it will just work out.

I seem to be rambling on here. I hope any of this makes sense. I know I am probably going to get a few wake up calls on my actions--I deserve them. I really want to make myself better and let H see I am not trying to fool myself or him.

Has your husband ever come to this site? Maybe he could post his story here, get some view points of others living his side of the story, sometimes that helps, I'm on his side of things and I also feel a little of what he feels.......but coming here helps and I see that what I feel is normal, but I also learn that holding on to the doubt is what might be what stops me from moving forward to exactly what you want a better marriage......for us that live with the fear of history repeating itself it helps a little to know what we feel is normal, we are just so afraid of being hurt all over again.......it's hard not to think that when you have proven you can make decisions to not have our best interests at heart and that you are willing to lie to cover up that decision.......my husband has told me that he is willing to spend the rest of his life making it up to me because he was the one that caused me all the hurt and pain and doubt I know feel, I still don't totally believe him but I am trying to stay in the moment and not go back to the past.......it's hard for a BS but we are all trying ............everything about our lives have changed and we now have to live with a shattered belief system, without someone we can trust..........this might be a place the two of you could use as a way of working through all his doubts.........it's a thought........there are a lot of great people here willing to listen and help..........

Thanks jess for the reply. Its nice to know someone who is in his shoes and has the same concerns, still has hope.

I have told H that I want to make it up to him for the rest of our lives, and that if thats what it takes I want to do it. He doesnt think I can be happy and that because he hasnt changed, he doesnt understand why things can get better. He doesnt understand why I am different than I was before the A. He still looks at the problems I thought were bad then and my complaints and doesnt understand why I am ok with things now. I keep telling him I am different than I was then. I have a different mindset now and I dont let small things bother me like I used to.

As for asking him about coming here, I have. He did check out the site once or twice, but thinks the people here are pretentious and he doesnt like what they offer for advice. I cant make him like this site unfortunately. He really doesnt think any counseling will help. We did some counseling for a few months after d-day and he said it didnt help much. He feels like if we are meant to be happy and married, it will just work out and be. As frustrating as that is to hear, I cant force him to change his mind or go with me. I did go see a priest about some things a few weeks ago. I think I surprised him with that.

Hello psc,

What EXACTLY is your H telling you is wrong with your relationship today or is it more that he is unable to forgive you?

Unmet EN's are handled differently than someone that is unable to accept the fact that you can't undo what has been done but that you can have an even better M through forgiveness and working on a NEW marriage.

God bless.

Jim

2 years since d day

How long since NC?

Also askin BH if he's getting better no matter how you say it I bet he's hearing "what you not over this yet?".

I made a NC phone call in front of H 3 days after d-day. I have been in NC since and have no desire to contact OM.

As for asking if H is over it, I don't do that in any form of questions/statements. I know that is very harsh. I know H is still hurting but it isn't something he discusses until we have serious talks and he expresses his doubts.

Jim, H tells me he doesn't think we should be together. He doesn't ever come out and say he wants a divorce or that we need to separate. He might say that one day he is more depressed and a few days later when he is having a better day he might talk about our future like we will be together forever.

psc,

This all sounds normal to me. Sometimes, I will just get sad or mad, without a trigger at all. I explained this to FWH and let him know what I need him to do at those times.

Maybe you should ask your H what you can do or say to make things better. Does he need you to be quiet while he talks, or to hold his hand, or tell him you will be patient while he sorts it out? Any impatient behavior will just count against you and will be interpreted as "just get over it, will ya?"

Good luck - keep up the good work!

Ty misty. I'm actually a very patient person, or I try my hardest. I hope I don't come across as being the WS that is just ready for my H to be "over it". I know H isn't just going to be ok and he needs time.

Maybe I am being in the norm for a WS and not understanding his emotions enough. H is not one to talk much and I know when something is bothering him because he closes up. I try to ask what is bothering him, but he won't talk to me until about a week later when he is ready. I don't get upset that he won't talk, I get sad.

The cycle we go through is normal I'm sure. H is really happy, we talk about our future and things we want to do as a family, like buy a bigger house, have another child, go back to school, and such. Then something happens, maybe not directly from me--it could be H's job or his parents--then he closes up and when we do talk he feels we aren't right for each other. I try to be as reassuring as possible on my feelings and let him know I have changed. After we have our big talk H feels better and we fall back into sync and things are really good again.

PSC_77,

Did your H ever confront OM? or expose OM to his W/GF and family?

God Bless
Gamma

Hi again psc77,

I hear you saying that your husband might have a little bit of what I go through, when the emotions and doubts take over I want to bail and I start thinking my husband would be happier without me since I have a lot of sadness still by what happened........I just can't imagine the reasons that the affair happened or the reasons the marriage was shaky before the affair couldn't still exist for him it just doesn't make sense to me that all the reasons are gone and that all of a sudden he would think of me as a different person than I was back then...........It is truly hard to believe when you/my husband went to the extremes you did to leave the marriage vows and the relationship........we just don't believe it.......it just doesn't make sense to us......
My husband does the same thing you do, he reassures me and just says I will prove it to you, just watch, I promise, he also tells me half of what he had said really wasn't true, he was only trying to justify having the affair.........how else could you or him actually go through with it.........
I think you keep doing what you are doing, reassuring him, knowing that you might have to do that for the rest of your life. My therapist says that only my husband's actions long term will really tell me what his true intention is. Living for today and tomorrow and not going backwards is hard......I've been with my husband for 27 years.......
Each day will get better for him. little by little he will feel he is worth the effort you are willing to put into the marriage and him, he doesn't feel it right now....
I am telling you when your spouse replaces you with someone else, it's hard to believe that you/my husband still want us..........sometimes it just doesn't make sense from the logic sides of our brains.......

Gamma, yes he exposed to OM, that is actually how he found out. I am ashamed to say I didnt come out and tell H, OM did. I know that is harder for him in the long run because I lied all the way through and didnt stop until he confronted me about the A.

Jessi, ty so much for your response. It helps me a whole lot to see your side of things. My H still doesnt understand why I did what I did. Actually looking back it makes my stomach churn thinking about what I did, and I cant understand why either.

As for thinking H is a different person, mayby your H has a bit of the same thinking I do--my H isnt different, I am now. Before my A I was very shelfish in my thinking and I didnt want the same things my H was working towards. We had talked before we got married and right after, about things we wanted in life. One of them being our choice of place to live. I am not from this state, or city we live in and I really didnt want to move here, but H is from here and he told me that we would move here to start off and if either of us were unhappy after 5 years we would find a place where we both would be happy. It has now been 7 years and we have no thoughts about moving. H's defense on staying has been that his job would be hard to change and he is established here. I know also his family is a big part of him wanting to stay. I had problems with this, but after my A was exposed I started looking at my H differently and realized we dont really have it so bad here. We both have good jobs, we have family (all on his side, but they are GREAT people and mine live like 5 hrs away), and we have established a home. H hasnt changed in anyway with his thinking on moving, but I have. I dont let it bother me anymore because I realized all I need is him. I can live anywhere as long as he is with me, and I do tell him this all the time.

So maybe its your H that is changing and seeing you for the wonderful person you are. That is what I did. Before I just looked at H as being stubborn and selfish. Maybe he is, but so was I and I have let it drop. I have changed and see H for the most wonderful, loving, supportive husband I had all along. I do tell him this, but he still doesnt understand or believe me. I dont expect him to either, I just keep telling him.

Hi there,
I'm thinking that you might be right about maybe my husband is now different, he sure is, I have asked him that question about how he could still want me that I'm the same person I have always been, so what is different now?
He just says that he wasn't thinking the right way back then.
He says he has always loved me, even when he had the affair, I have a hard time with that one because in my book you can't be in love with someone(me) and sleep with someone else........that's not love............that to me is I don't care what happens to you when you find out.........
There are a lot of little things that keep a BS in a place where they think that they couldn't possibly be the person our spouses really want to be with......when you think of the facts of the situation, they all point to our spouses leaving us because they tell us they weren't happy with us......starting a relationship with someone else and going as far to break the marriage vow, that is very clear to a lot of BS's that our WS's don't care about them anymore.......
So it is hard to believe when they change their thinking, and all we see are the facts........the reasons they left the marriage in the first place......
I go through that as well, that's when I back off but my mind has convinced me of the facts of the story.......
Now I must add that my husband has done all the right things since he promised me we would work together to have a great relationship.....
He is very understanding, realizes the doubt he has created, understands that he has changed who I am as a person because of this......
I know in time I will believe him but it's still a work in process.
You sound like you are in a great place yourself, your husband is one of the lucky ones, not a lot of WS's are like you.......I think like me it will take him a bit to see the woman that he fell in love with, she is in there, he knows this or he would be gone already........he just wishes you hadn't left in the first place......this is what I feel as well......
Just start making some good memories for him with you and your daughter.....
Talk about the future, he will notice you are thinking about tomorrow with him and your marriage......
Tell him that home is where he and your daughter are for you..............

Thank you again jessi. It is so nice to have someone whith the insight of my H that is outside of our situation.

H and I have gone back and forth a lot on his feelings about our relationship. He feels like I never loved him and that he has always had more feelings for me. I disagree. I dont show off my emotions the same way as some people (I am not a clingy person) and he takes this sometimes as me not caring as much. I was told that that may be what I need to do to show him how much I really do care--its just hard to change. I am working on it though. I know I need to show H more of my feelings and let him see what I truely do feel.

It is hard though sometimes when I see here on MB that I need to become stronger as a person too. I was taught to be a strong woman meant that I could do it myself and not rely on anyone else. I am finding that I need to let him feel needed and let go of somethings. That is my hardest problem. I am one that if I can do it then I will, instead of asking for help. H was brought up that a man needs to take care of his wife and she shouldnt have to be strong like that (seems strange explaining it like that, but its like the whole chilvery idea).

I want to look forward and talk about our future together. We have discussed having anopther child, and until this last month we had a time line set up too. Now it seems to be on the back burner and he is questioning our relationship. I know the rollercoaster is tough for him to ride. At the same time, its a rollercoaster for me too. We are working together, and he did say he isnt leaving me. That all in itself is a HUGE comfort when there is uncertainty.

Last night my H had a talk with me and says he thinks its over. He wants to separate and doesnt think we will work out. He cant deal with not trusting, the nightmares, wondering why I did what I did, and just not having a great relationship. I know I havent met some of his needs and I am very regretful for that. I dont know if there is any hope left.

I am seriously crushed and Im really hating myself right now. He stayed here last night, not sure if he will be staying here more or not. We really dont know what to do. I asked him when we went to bed if he minded that I was cuddling and if it bothered him to tell me to move. All he said was "im tired and want to go to sleep". Maybe im looking into this too much, but he didnt say he didnt want me to cuddle.

He still loves me, he said that, but he cant and doesnt look at me the same as he used to before. I dont know if I even stand a chance anymore. He wants to be friends and make the separation as nice as possible, especially since we have a DD.

He kept saying he didnt know what to do now, like towards the separation and all. I dont know what to do either. I never planned ahead for this.

H still questions why and how can I love him now. He doesnt think anyone can change, at least not like I did. He also says that I have hurt him too much by everything that happened. I dont know exactly the pain I have caused him, I havent been in his shoes. I have tried to better myself for him and me, but iI feel I have fallen short.

He has no faith in counseling, the church, or any help and wants nothing to do with any of it.

I know its been said here that the marriage isnt over until the papers are signed. I dont want it to be over, but I dont know if I should try to push still or back off. Last night it seems he was still hessitant on what he really wanted. Things were said about not knowing if we were really going to be happy down the road in a few years or if we should just split now and save ourselves and our daughter some pain. Other things sounded like he still wants to be a happy family, but he doesnt know what to do.

He wants to be separated for a while, but he doesnt necessarily want to move out. It sounds like I have a chance to really Plan A again. I know he has a right to decide that this marriage isnt right for him, and I have no say in the matter because I made my decision to have the A in the first place. He even said he should have kicked me out the day he found out. He didnt because he loves me, and wanted to be with me.

I didnt want to write so much today, im just feeling very depressed.

I am very sorry for you. For some men an affair is the ultimate deal breaker. From what you have written I would think the fact that you did not confess and he was told by the OM was extremely painful for your husband. He is probably thinking that since you never confessed then the affair would still be going on with you putting his health at risk to boot. He also may feel that you were such a good liar and made him feel like such a fool that he could never believe you now and in the future. In addition, for many men the feeling of staying with a cheating wife makes them feel weak and foolish. You did in fact play him for a fool and you did not confess.

I think you should try to go to some marriage retreats and for God's sake show affection. You say you have changed inwardly so now it is time to change outwardly by showing affection. Your husband sounds depressed and he fell crushed as a spouse and crushed as a man. He probably feels he was not good enough for you sexually. Imagine if the roles were reversed. How would you feel and what would you want from your spouse to prove his love for you. I wish you luck.

Are you in love with him? Honest answer, please..

I suspect this is the problem right here. You and your H have placed your marriage low on your priority list and have fallen out of love. Yet you insist - out of a sense of guilt - that you are "in love." He sees no hope and you are just going through the motions, although there is no reason to believe you are in love with him. The passion has died in your marriage because nothing is being done to foster and maintain it. That never changes because you insist you do "love him" but he rightly senses this is not true. This torments him and he only sees a future of a loveless marriage.

I don't understand either. This doesn't make any sense to me. If he hasn't changed, then the dynamics of the marriage that made you vulnerable to an affair can't change.

I am even more alarmed about the fact that you don't complain? Are you sucking it up when things bother you and not sharing that with him? If you are, you are endangering the marriage in a grave way. When you are unhappy about something and don't tell him, it erodes the love in your marriage when it continues. That is a renters approach called sacrifice.

psc, I get the sense that you are operating on guilt and not practicing any radical honesty at all. THAT is what is preventing intimacy in your marriage and what makes your H feel so threatened:

here

psc, how much reading have you done on this site? Do you understand the MB concepts? Have you talked with your H about them?

I suspect your BH is overwhelmed. The rollercoaster is too much for him. I can't really blame him - this is easily the worst thing that can happen to a spouse, and it's a difficult thing to process. I think it's positive that he hasn't physically left, but it doesn't sound like the two of you have worked together vigorously to recover your M. I could be wrong, but I get the impression that there was a D-Day, then the two of you got back to business as usual. Is that correct?

Tell us what the two of you have been doing to repair the damage of your A?

I admit, affection and passion have been lost in our marriage. I dont openly tell H when I am upset, that is something I have never been good at in any relationship. I thought I was working the MB plan, but after re-reading a few things today, I realized I have fallen into going through the motions. I dont blame H for wanting better, he deserves it. I DO want to repair the damage I have done and as of right now, I AM going to change my tune.

Melody, you asked me some really point blank questions. I do love my husband, very much. I have let other things get in the way of my marriage and put him last on my list of priorities. I am ashamed to admit that. On the other hand, I know one reason/obstical in my way and I am not letting it get to me anymore. My job is ruining me and I am realizing I am going to have to find a new one, quickly. It is no excuse though for my actions towards my H.

To clarify the confusion with how I have changed, before the A, H got a job back where he is from. We moved there and I thought it was a temporary place. H has done alot to make this our home--we both have good jobs, we bought a house, his family is here to help us now that we have a DD, and we are established here. I always wanted to move and never appreciated what we have--I always thought once we moved we would be happy. Now I have opened my eyes and seen what we have here, and realized we can be happy here and we were starting to get really happy when we found out we were having a baby. So as for my changes, it is really me opening my eyes and seeing what I have and not what I could have somewhere else.

mb, as far as what have H and I been doing to repair our marriage--nothing. Like I said, I thought I was following the MB way, but realize I need more work. H has no desire to work at the marriage--he feels it should just work if we are meant to be together. We tried counseling, but he wont go back.

I am going to be doing alot of extra reading now--I have a few books to re-read and I will be reading the site all over again. I know it might be too late to repair the original damage and what has happened since.

H isnt leaving the house so I still have a chance to show him I am sincere. He feels like we would be better off as good friends, than a married couple. He doesnt feel like I show him the affection that a wife should and doesnt understand why I could show that affection to someone else. He thinks it is him, and that I am just not into him. We have had some really heated passionate times, but it seems we get in a rut and the passion dies. I want to ensure the rut is gone, but im not sure if H will let me. Again, I understand this is his choice to leave.

Bryanp I think you hit it right on the head with your thoughts, H does feel weak for taking me back. He said that today infact. He isnt a weak person, I know he loves me and he wanted to be with me. He does feel I am a good lier, he said it was too easy for me. I dont like that about myself. Just do it is a good mantra to have. If it is too late, maybe it will keep us as better friends.