My husband and I have been together almost 12 years and married 10. We have had major probelms for at least the last 5 years. I caught him, on 2 occassions, having what I would consider an emotional affair both times. If it went further, I do not know about it. I feel at this time is when I completely lost all love for this man. It never returned.

For the last year we have slept in separate beds. We have not 'kissed' in over 3 years, and no sex for almost 1 year. This past summer, I did the unthinkable with another man on 3 separate occassions over a 3 weeks span. I was around this person only for business reasons and he is no longer in my life, meaning he actually lives thousands of miles away. I have not spoken to him since he left. There is likely little to no chance of my spouse finding out, but it is tearing me up inside. Now dont get me wrong, I have no love or even feelings really for my husband, and we are simply staying married for reasons that are obviously stupid. I do NOT want to fix my marriage, and have told him I want to move forward with a divorce, but he says he wants to hold off and see if we can keep getting along better (which we are getting along better because he moved out).

Someone please, if you have been in my shoes, the offender, and you want out, but your spouse resists. Where do I go from here?

What is stopping you from ending it.......you say you want out but you dont' seem to do anything about it.
I wouldn't tell him if you are going to leave anyway, why do you want to hurt him for no reason......he will imagine all kind of things and do a lot of self blame so if you are ending things anyway, why hurt him.......you just live with what you did, it really didn't have anything to do with him anyway, it was about your boundaries and not knowing how to keep your word to your marriage vows.....
I would suggest if you were planning on repairing your marriage to be totally honest so the two of you can start with a clean slate but what is the point if you have decided to end the marriage.........
Watch the movie Fireproof and if there is any chance of working on the marriage, think in those terms that one person can change things......

I am confused, if you do not love him, and you do not want to fix this marriage then why did you post?

Did you want sympathy? I'm confused.

If you want to end your marriage then do so, and yes there ARE NO EXCUSES on what you have done it was wrong and you know that no one here will tell you otherwise.

Tell you husband EVERYTHING and get a divorce.

I have repeatedly told him I want out. He is apparently under the impression there is some marriage fairy who is gonna come down and fix this. He has moved out. He thinks this alone will fix this. I mention counseling, he refuses. I myself am confused on the amount of guilt I feel. I am looking for someone else in my shoes as I have wondered if this guilt is what has me bound and determined to get out, i.e. divorce. Not because of the other person, cause I have no contact with him, but because the guilt is making me want to let him go so he can go be happy. I dont know. I mean I was unhappy before the affair, but I wasnt dead set on a divorce. And yes, all those needs in my above post have been made know to him that they are not being met. Again, to no avail. We do have very small children and I would like to do this nicely. This is the reason I havent just filed for divorce and had him served.

Yes the guilt is making you feel this way.

Tell your husband EVERYTHING then discuss if you want to continue with the marriage.

But I can tell you this if you BOTH of you are committed and you want to have that love back into your life then the MB principles will help you with that. And there is a so called "Fairy" who can help with the marriage it's called "Marriage Builders"

But you can not do that unless you tell him EVERYTHING leave NOTHING out.

Actually, if missinglove's affair was within the past 6 months, then she should have the minimal human decency & courtesy to get herself tested for STDs, show the results to her husband, and explain why the test was necessary. (Yes, even if she & her husband have been sleeping in separate beds for the past year.) The reason for telling him is to give him all the information he needs to protect himself.

Why did you mention counseling, for the two of you or just for him?
If it was just for him and he thinks it's to fix the marriage, this is why he might be getting mixed messages....
The guilt comes from what is right in this world, having an affair while you are married is wrong.......you made a promise to your husband that you broke, and you did that for selfish reasons.....your husband didn't have anything to do with that decision.......
You are being unfair to your husband, if you don't want him then be honest and let him go so he can find someone else to love and have a life with......
You have sent him all the messages that you want a divorce I don't understand how you can say you weren't thinking divorce, if you leave your marriage vow then isn't that what you were thinking.......you certainly weren't protecting your marriage........what else would anyone including your husband think(if anyone but you knew)
You have children so I'm glad you are at least thinking of them......
Make your decision and move on, live with it knowing this was you and not him, if you can't be a good wife and it looks like you are filled with a lot of that then let him go........I think if you looked at things differently and not from such a selfish place that you would see a different man, think back to why you fell in love with him, you think part of why you don't feel anything for him might be because you think the way you do, do you think it's all his fault or do you think you had a part in how he is now and is that reason maybe that he is just reacting to you and the way you are?
At this point you owe his an honest departure and make sure you own your part in this marriage breakdown, it isn't just about him and his wrong doings......
Let him go and find someone who will love him and work on a good relationship, this will be better for your children in the long run.........
You seem to have made up your mind......

the reason you feel guilty is because adultery is wrong. I had an A in 2006. I was miserable in my M. So was DH. And we both knew it. But my choice to have an A was still wrong. I wanted out too, but instead of just doing it (it wasn't like I was chained to the house), I wallowed in my misery and slept with another man.

If you have no desire for your M, no love or respect for your DH, and you feel that HE is the one who needs to change......It would probably be better for him just to get on with it. BUT you do need to tell him. You need to get tested, and so does he, because some STD's might not show up for you, and he could still have them.

If you D him, I would say this. He is not the only one in this M who has problems....someone of irreproachable character does NOT have an A. If you aren't going to sift through what YOU need to change in this M, just finding another one isn't going to fix it.

I don't get it. How old are you, anyway? You say your M is over. You have committed the ultimate act of betrayal to a man you obviously don't respect. You want to leave the M but do nothing to make that happen. And your husband no longer lives with you. What am I missing? You don't know how to call a divorce lawyer?

If you think you're keeping him from being unhappy by not disclosing the A you had, you're missing the big picture entirely. He's already unhappy. Add to his unhappiness his knowledge that there is some vague, undefined thing lurking in his world. He doesn't know what it is, but he feels it. What he's feeling is your affair. You think it's fair to treat him this way?