Just joined this site and I am in serious trouble.

My name is Mike and I am 52, My wife is also 52. Been married for 28 years and have three boys.

Where do I start.

At the beginning of this year my wife would treat me like I had two heads, I could do nothing correctly. Including breathing to loud, eating to loud and snoring. It was like she was driving me away. She would always accuse me of lusting after other woman. I would ask her why she was talking to me the way she would. We finally reached a point where she decided that we need help and I agreed,

Anyway counselor number one.
The meeting started with a questioner for each of us. The problem is that I did not expect this and could not figure out why it was asking me about my goals. And I left that blank this was my mistake. So once we sat down and discussed what we had written the counselor just ripped into me that this was the problem and that I was the problem. Then my wife tells me that she has wanted a divorce for over 20 years and that she can�t stand to look at me when I walk into a room.

Needless to say I did not feel that this counselor was going to help us.

Counselor Number 2

Made things worse. Most of the time he sat and scratched his head. At my last meeting he told me I should see a lawyer. This was after he meet with her.

Somewhere around this time a little light went off

My wife is a obsessed with working out. She goes to the gym 5-6 times a week and anywhere from 2-4 hours each time. So one Saturday around three weeks ago she was laying in the backyard listening to her IPod Shuffle, She listened to it all day. Later that afternoon I asked her if she would like to go for a bike ride. She agreed and this is something we never really did. When we got back Home I asked her if she would like to go to dinner. She agreed and told me that she needed to charge her iPod. I told her that she just needed to plug it in to the computer and it will charge it. Later I went by the computer to check my email and turned on the screen. When The screen turned on it said that I connected a new IPOD and it was now called Jim�s Shuffle. No longer my wife�s. I looked it over and decided that I needed to ask her what this was about. So I went upstairs and she was getting ready to go out. I asked her why did her IPOD change to JIMS shuffle? She told me that it was her friends Janice IPOD. I said that it said Jim not Janice and she told me that it was her husband�s. I knew that she was lying because her husband�s name was John not Jim. I asked her if she was sure and she said yes. We went to dinner and came home never said anything again. Woke up Sunday morning and she was watching the Chicago marathon on TV, that seemed kind of strange to me so I asked her why we were watching this do you know someone that�s running in it? She told me yes someone from the gym. I asked her who and she told me that It was a guy named JIM. Again I left it alone and we went off to church. When we got home I had a few thing to do at our sons house and she was laying out again, So I asked her why she was not listening to her shuffle. She told me that she wanted to listen to her IPOD. I said by the way Janice husband�s name was John not Jim. She looked at me and said yea your rite his name was John. I said I thought so and that I was leaving to go to our sons. Spent the afternoon at my sons and got home and she said nothing about the iPod. Woke up Monday morning @ 2:30 and waited for her to get up @ 6:00 she still had nothing to say and I went off to work. I came home early and decided to ask her what the story was. She told me that she lied about it and that it was some 60 some year old guy from the gym and he and his wife wanted to listen to her songs. I don�t agree. I asked her what about the guy in the marathon, She said that he was a 20 year old running in the marathon. I think these are both Lies. Counselor number three tells me that I can�t ask her about Jim or she will leave. I have done this s far but I can no longer live like this.

Then I find a newspaper article in her car that was folded up nice and neat. Has something to do with high school football teams. She tells me that she has no idea how or why this got in her car or in her School bag. She still says that she has no idea why she had that in her possession.


Anyway counselor number three has meet with us 5-6 times and things have not gotten any better.

We also have our oldest son getting married in two weeks.


What do I do?

If I were you, go to a counselor, on your own, w/o your wife, and tell him your story. You DO have a right to simple answers to simple questions. The fact that your wife is working out compulsively, & has some odd habits could be a clue to something (compulsive d/o, obession over image, inappropriate friendships). You may have to go to a couple of counselors to find one whom you feel comfortable with. Then, after a couple of singular sessions w/that counselor, ask if she'd be willing to go to that professional with you, just to get a different angle on your marriage.

That action alone will show her that you want the marriage to work, and that you care...not that you are trying to "control" her or keep her in a "stasis" mode with your current marriage.

Also, at 52, she could be going through more hormonal changes, which DO have an impact on the neurological & spiritual well being of a woman. She is in a life -transition mode. Maybe she as well as you do need help in communicating life goals, now. They ay not be the same as they were 2,5,10,or even 15 years ago. That is normal!!! My parent's went through a marital "rebirth" when they turned 50... it was a good one, but it came out of 10+ years of marital hardship & counseling/work.

If you value this relationship w/your wife, put it all in gear, make headway... and, flowers do NOT hurt! But, at first, please do not expect much. Realize that her view of you is somewhat tragic right now. Work on reconciliation. Practice expressing how you feel - through writing, or verbally, etc...

Overall, just let her know that you do love her & want this to work.

I hope this helps & I'll keep you both in my prayers. :o)

These are all the signs of an affair. Don't have the time or energy to break out all the red flags.

Click on notify and ask the mods to move this to the surviving infidelity forum.

Agree with Road. Your wife is having at least an emotional affair (EA) with some guy named Jim from the gym.

Click on notify ASAP and ask the moderators to move your thread to the surviving an affair forum.

Don't waste any more money on marriage counselors. If you really want effective help, call the Harleys. Contact information is available at the 'counseling center' link above.

Lyree,

I should just like to remind you that we should be giving new posters advice that is consistent with Dr Harley's MB programme.

Posters should be encouraged to look for a marriage coach who is familiar with (and uses) MB methods.

SugarCane - I did not do that because bitbucket did. Even Dr. Harley would agree that there may not be just one answer or track. I agree, try it, stick to MB if it works. If it doesn't, then you can talk about it/w/ Dr. Harley.

I asked to move this post.

and thanks for the replies!

Trueser, it's pretty clear that your wife is having some type of affair, either emotional or physical. Too many

You need to start doing some heavy-duty snooping. I'll try to find the snooping thread and bump it for you.

Does she work? Have you gone to the gym with her?

NOTE: There are some heavy-hitting posters on here who will have valuable info for you. Some of it may seem counter-intuitive. Follow it anyway. Let me be the first to tell you to fire the counsellors. They are generally worthless and even more so when one of the spouses in having an active affair.

Start reading the articles on here. Dr. Harley saves marriages, he doesn't instruct clients to navel gaze and waste time getting in touch with their inner child, etc. He shows how to heal marriages. You have come to the right place.

Pay attention to the number of posts and length of time posters have been here when they post a response to you. (It's under their screen name, on the left). Newer posters and posters with fewer posts are generally still learning Dr. H's principles themselves. Look for posters who have been posting for awhile. They typically have the most solid advice.

Thanks,

I'm way ahead on the snoop. The last time I said that I wanted to get back in the gym she went off the wall.

The consellor has told me that I cannot ask or tell anyone about the Affair.

I told my boys the real story over the weekend.

I guess she thinks you'd interfere with her "exercise"!

tl

No marriage counselor is going to be effective if your wife is having any kind of emotional or physical affair.

Waste of money...except to the extent they will spend some time with you travelling back and forth the counselor.

Have you snooped her phone???

What about a voice activated digital voice recorder (Radio Shack/Target) planted in her car???

Get to the bottom of the real deal...the truth...and BEFORE you confront come here and get some input on what you've discovered.

Mr. Wondering

If you go to another counseling session, I�d ask the counselor a few questions. I�d start with �How many marriages have you saved?�

Are secrets in marriage good?
Do you believe in marriage?

Better yet, don�t waste your money. You�re not a dumb man and can certainly put 2 and 2 together. My guess is that she�s fallen for either a high school kid, which is fueling this obsession with working out, or has fallen for someone related to high school stuff (a coach or teacher?).

But you need to snoop. Hire a PI if you can afford it and have him/her follow her to the gym.

Once you have your evidence, do what we call nuclear exposure. That means you tell everyone that can pressure her. You especially tell the OM�s wife (or parents).

But get your evidence.

How old are your kids?

What is the 'real story' you told your kids? I'm all for total disclosure, but you don't want your wife to go underground because she's trying to hide things from the kids. That will make it harder for you to get the goods.

Do you have access to her cell phone? Cell phone records? Bank statements? I forget - did you say she works? Do you have access to her workplace?

VAR - this is a voice activated tape recorder Mr. W. mentioned. Get a good one - plan on spending at least $50. Cheaper ones can have poor reception and are not as user-friendly.

Keylogger - you can order this online and slap it on her computer with very little trouble. All you need is about 10 minutes alone with it. (While she's at the gym, tee hee). Go to specterpro.com. Eblaster is best.

Collect your info and bring it here. Do NOT let on that you are snooping! If you find something it may be difficult to keep quiet, but you've got to if you're going to kill this affair. Don't let her suspect or it will drive her underground and make it harder to uncover the evidence. Act normal. Tell us what you've got. We'll go from there.

Say sayonara (sp?) to the counselor. He's a waste of time and money.

couple of questions.

Anyone ever find a home phone recording device? something that works with a cable modem?

and a voice activated recorder I can leave in the car?

I think you are asking if they exist, right?

If so, start with Radio Shack, they have all sorts of little goodies. If not there, go online and you will find them.

JL

We've already given you this info, Trueser. Check WalMart and RadioShack. They'll have the basics. For spying on telephone calls, google "secretly record phone calls" You'll get plenty of info.

Did I offend you in some way? My intent was to save myself some time. I have already been back and forth to Radio Crap and was I purchased did not work.

I am looking for a recorder that I can hook up to my home phone to monitor the inbound and outbound calls when I am not there. I'm sure someone here has gone thru this already and was hoping for a solution.

Google " I really want to help this person" and see how many hits you get.

Attacking posters that are trying to help you will illicit THE OPPOSITE effect.

We understand the pain that you are in. We understand that you want solutions. We can't do the work for you.

I bought my VAR at radio shack and it worked just fine. I bought the one that was about $75. It was even on sale. So, my advice is to not buy the cheapest one.

I have read a post by MelodyLane that there is a phone tapper that you can put on your phoneline. You would need to research that yourself, as I do not know what it is called. We can't do all of the work for you.

Recovering your marriage is a lot of work and if you are unwilling to even research some monitoring devices and reading the snooping threads to find out if your questions have already been answered somewhere else, what does that say about the recovery of your marriage? You will need to do the work. Instead of becoming offensive to a poster who is trying to help, do some work.