My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have one child together. There have been issues between us where we both hurt eachother emotionally so don't think I am a saint. I will post questions detailing more later but for now I just have a question about PLAN A and using it.For the last 3 years I have tried to be the best husband I knew how. She has had a couple EA's on me online in the last 2 years with each ending with what I thought was resolution towards moving forward together. We did not go to counseling or get MB help for any of the past stuff. Then a guy thats a friend of ours who's stationed oversees and just had a divorce starts going after my wife. At first they were friends then I became suspicious and started monitering her. She says she only wants to be friends but wavers in talking with him. He on the other hand is downright infatuated. So I found MB and we both agreed to it and have started doing the steps. Last weekend we went out of town for a few days for just us time and had a great time. Before we left we talked about talking to our friend and cutting it off and she agreed and said she didn't want to loose a friend or hurt anyone. This am when I came to work I saw on facebook that he posted something about it being tough over there away from his kids and she commented for him to keep his chin up. Now I don't know how to feel. Part of me feels like she is just appeasing me and the other half says its harmless. I know plan A says to cut contact and I'm in favor of that and more but, how exactly should I approach it? I talked before and now I just want to say cut it off or I'm outta here tonite....even though I love her and don't want to ever loose her.....Not sure what to say...pls help me out????Thx

Focus on being the mad she wants to be with and he will fade into memory. Though I do agree that you are being reasonable, "Do xyz or I'm out of here right now" seems to be to be a bit of an overreaction and a love buster leading you in the wrong direction that you seem to want, which is a good marriage between you and the wife again.

I explained to her that I was uncomfortable with it and she said she understands. We talked about telling him together that it had gone too far and now it needed to stop. To be honest, I don't like that but can accept it....of course I feel hurt and very pissed inside but don't want to drive her away. Do you think I should ask her when she plans on removing him? What do think is a reasonable way to approach that w/o starting WW3? I don't want her to be defensive but I don't wanna stand by while I think we are both trying to rebuild but she's setting up an alternative underneath.....

Please click the 'notify' button and ask the moderators to move your thread to the 'surviving an affair' forum. That is a high traffic forum and you'll receive much better guidance there.

Ok...Let me try to answer these in order and thanks for the help.
#1-6 years ago I had an EA with a coworker. It was a PA to an extent, we kissed once after an office party. Either way it was wrong and we were both married and cut it off right after that. I did not tell my wife and should have. 6 months later she found out through the grapevine and I admitted to it. It was hell for awhile after that for about a year. I left the job and we moved and I thought things had gotten better.
#2-I said he is "going after" her because although she is responsible too...I have read the im chats. She talks about us and other things that are no no's. They do not talk alot due to the time change and the fact that she knows I disapprove underneath. He is the one that took it to another level in a recent conersation and said "I'm just gonna say it, I love U". I enderstand it is a two sided thing but I also think he is pushing it. She does try to conceal conversations by erasing them but I have a keylogger installed. Yes she admits it has gone too far and says she feels like a jerk for messing it all up. She says she wants to right things with us. We both did the EA Questionaire and were pretty much identical on it other than we both want more time with eachother. She does say she has trouble with resent towards me though.
#3-It isn't harmless. I also understand how it makes u crazy. One minute you and your SO are ok then you are resenting her for stupid things and feeling better with the other person. It makes it even easier when you already had resentment towards them however small in the scope of things.

Am I being too nice then? When I try to talk to her she gets defensive and throws the past in my face to justify her actions one minute then says she's sorry the next?I will right more when I get back.

Thx Gloveoil.
We talked last night about it. I asked what she was going to do about removing him etc. She said she feel horrible about the whole thing and just wishes we could all be friends again but understands it can't happen. We talked about how to be nice about it but end it. She told me that it was up to me and in a way she couldn't deal with it any longer and that I could take care of it......so the next question is....is that ok? For me to end it for her by talking to him? I would do anything in the world for her. At the same time is that avoiding it and allowing me to be the jerk alone? I don't mind but I want to do whats best for us as a whole. If its ok, since he's oversees, should we just remove him with a simple message or should I try to discuss it with him in detail?

No, it is not okay for you to own your WW's sh*t. A critical part of recovery is accepting responsibility and she's not doing that. She needs to end this now. Your WW needs to send a No Contact letter that ends her association with OM for life. She needs to word it in a way that you approve, and then YOU mail it.

One more question....sorry to ask so many but I am grateful for the help. As for the notifying...the Om is an officer in the military and although I'd like to have him come to the gym a give him an [censored] whipping I do not want to kill or maim him or his career. I'm an adult and can be civil even if I boil underneath. I could give a damn less about the OM...I have known him awhile and I'm sympathetic to his recent divorce, etc but ALL I really care about is my wife and I loving one another 110% for the rest of our lives. Do I really have to put him thru the mill or do you think we can just cut it off and threaten that if contact is continued? I thought that is officer unbecoming, but I've never been in the service, so pls advise me?

Well. You are certainly within your rights as a cuckolded husband to open a can of whoop-[censored] upside his head, auto. And very few would fault you if you did. But I would advise you to refrain - not because I'm concerned about OM and his career (and you shouldn't be, either - he obviously isn't.)But because you may personally wish you hadn't. Believe me, there have been plenty of times (even now) that I regret not driving over to OW's house and beating the living sh*t out of her. I envision pulling chunks of hair and scalp out and asking her if she would like me to take them home to my H so he can run his hands through them, . But I'm always glad I didn't. Of course, of she should ever come around me or my family, all bets are off...I have seen a mean side of me I never knew existed until my H's affair.

Look, if your WW writes that letter, changes her cell phone number, etc., cutting off all avenues for contact, then there won't be any. If he knocks himself out to get to her and manages to, you need to inform his CO (correct me if I'm wrong on the chain of command, military posters.) I wouldn't necessarily tell him what you plan to do. At the most tell him that his life will be hell if he ever attempts to contact you or your WW again. I have a feeling that he will blow away in the wind once your WW cuts him off.

BTW, did you say he was married? I saw the mention of his kids on FB. Have you told his wife?

Thanks...believe me the thought has crossed my mind more than once. As for the OM, NO...he was divorced last year. I think we will move forward with the cut-off plan and stay away letter. If it goes further then ALL bets are off! I will let you know how that goes in the following days and weeks.

Tell his CO. That wouldn't be YOU putting him through the mill, that'd be his OWN CONDUCT putting himself through the mill. (And you've got it in writing!) Man, the dude is sending love notes to your wife. And you seem ambivalent about putting a stop to it!

If he's in the service, I want him monitoring the wire & hunting down bad guys, not using taxpayer-funded communications to break up marriages on the home front! Quit being such a wuss, Auto. The reason women dig guys-in-uniform is because they've got an aura of balls. It's time you started acting like you've got a pair of your own. At least give your wife reason to respect you! Stand up for your marriage, buddy. Write a letter to Secretary of Defense Gates & everyone else in the chain of command. This "Let's all just be friends" idea of your wife's? That's B.S. This guy is no friend of yours. Wearing a uniform doesn't mean he gets a free pass to behave at a lower standard of conduct.

UPDATE: My wife and I went thru the forms, process etc and I thought we were pretty happy for the last 4 months or so....guess I'm a FOOL! After cutting contact she initiated it again last week. We were going to the coast for a few days and I noticed she had been acting indifferent but we hadn't been fighting about anything....I HATE the blindsiding! So once we are at the coast I finally get her to open up and she tells me, even says maybe we should separate for awhile and honestly I LOVE her with all my heart but, frankly don't give a [censored] anymore. So I told her happy hunting, have a good life, I'm going home w/o you. Right before I left she broke down and asked me not to go and that she was sorry so I stayed. All this week she has been gone at training and she has called me every night to profess her love. She says she wants to destroy all the PC's in our house cause she is weak and will get bored and go to it eventually. I'm not real excited about destroying or even selling my PC's and wonder if it would even make a difference....honestly I have lost hope, tired of having faith or trusting, I DO want it to workout but, it has been 5 times in a year and a half with the same guy 3 times....sry to burden anyone here but kinda had to get it off my chest...not sure what I'll do next.

Only you can decide that, of course. But if you want to save your M, I suspect you're going to have to expose OM to his CO. (I could never figure out why you felt you needed to be "civil" to a POS like that in the first place.) OM has never felt any negative consequence for his behavior, so his behavior will probably continue.

As for your computers? Password protect them so that only you can use them.

Thx maritalbliss, I do love my wife but I don't wanna save my marriage honestly...at least not alone anymore...it takes two committed people. As for the OM, maybe I was too civil, odd isn't considering I was a pro boxer and martial artist(nit to be confused with marital artist...apparently I SUCK at that!)....I guess I felt weak regarding saving my marriage and just took the path of least resistance. I'd love to put him in cage or ring but ultimately it would do NO good cause the problem isn't him its her! At this point I will be reporting his [censored] whether she likes it or not and regardless of the outcome, I have lost patience and niceness at this point. Still not sure on the PC's....had them monitored but that is such a bitter pill and makes my anxiety run high every time I check that I finally just said to hell with it!