I posted last week about tons of text messages that my husband is sending out...

I have called several of the numbers with my phone number blocked and women answer (or were recorded on the voice mail). One in particular is a local number (the others are out of state).

H told me last week that he met a guy that was helping pick out some vitamins and things for working out. The guy asked him if he was single because his friend (who was present) thought H was cute... H says that he said he was married (do I believe him, no way now). Since that day H has had a reason everyday almost to go to the mall (that's where this store is). One of the times he was gone for over 2 hours before I got a text message that said he and this "guy" friend stopped to watch a movie and after the movie he had to give him a ride home. The mall is about 10 minutes away and he has never taken less that 3 hours to come back, he is going during the day while I'm working and can't go along.

Right now, he is gone there again to return something he bought and to try using their wi-fi to download a movie, he says our internet is taking too long.

I've watched his text messages in our online billing and only 13 days into the billing cycle he has sent and received over 1300 text messages from these other girls... I don't even care about what the messages say anymore (I can't get to his phone to find out), I just feel like this is more than enough to be mad about. I mean, he is completely unaffectionate to me, he hasn't kissed me in over 3 years other than a peck, doesn't want to touch me unless it's all about him... I do all of the cooking, cleaning, working (he doesn't have a job), etc.

I'm ready to explode over this, I don't know if this is enough to "confront" him with or not. I'm sure he'll says it's just all innocent but I don't care.

Sorry for the long post, thanks for being patient with me

Is it cheating? Yes. And he will never, ever own up to anything, so don't expect him to.

Start reading here on this site - others will be along with more info soon'

I have read quite a bit through the articles and things over the past week.

I really don't expect him to own up to anything and I've decided that I really don't want to know what any of these messages say. It was hard enough just knowing that's where his attention is going, know what I mean?

How can we help you? What is your goal?

What I really want to do is confront him and have him admit whatever is going on to me (though I doubt that will happen).

I also want to figure out what the heck happened? I mean I think I'm doing everything right, his only complaint that he has ever expressed is that he doesn't think I make enough money (but he doesn't have a job or want a job either), so it just doesn't make any sense to me.

If something is going on I haven't decided yet if I would be able to forgive him or not, so maybe I shouldn't even try confronting him yet? I just don't know what to do with the information I have...

S,

Some would say you should snoop and get some info on what he is doing before confronting him. This is what I did. He still denied, or minimized, or whatever it took to lead me off track.

The question is, what do you want? Do you want to repair your M? Are you prepared to do the work to repair the relationship, Plan A, Plan B, EN's, avoid LB's? This is hard work, but when it works, it REALLY works!

I'm sorry you are going through this, but you will find lots of help here. Read everything you can on the MB site. Others have posted recommended reads as well. I found "Not Just Friends" helpful in my sitch.

Good luck and God bless.

I would want to repair the M, it just seems so scary right now... Especially thinking and expecting that things will take a lot of time to improve.

I know for a fact that he will make this out as "not a big deal" or that he's "not doing anything wrong", etc, etc... It's just his attitude and the way he's always been (if he does something wrong, it is never a big deal...)

It appears that he is in a fog. When in the fog, WS's will say or do anything it takes to defend their position. You will be blamed for his behavior, so don't react to it. Admit your part in letting the M go, stay calm, and promise to do your part to meet his needs.

He may not want to hear anything from you if it relates to repairing the M. If he is in the fog, it will take a lot of Plan A'ing to get through to him. You can make it through Plan A, but don't stay in it too long as it can destroy your spirit. No more than 4 weeks is recommended, followed by Plan B. Keep reading. There are lots of posts here. Some you will find helpful, and others may not apply to you. Just keep to the MB principles and you will find yourself stronger, and better able to do the work you need to do.

Do you have a friend who could follow your WH? Buy a VAR and GPS and put them in his car. Cut off his cell phone, you don't want to finance his affair.

Read up on Plan A and gather your evidence. Don't confront him about whatever evidence is found until after you have posted on here to get some advice on what to do. Believe me, I WISH I would have waited to find out what to do before I confronted.

Understand that even with solid evidence, your WH may still deny. That is pretty typical.

s84a,
Do you have kids with this man? If not, why do you want to stay with a deadbeat, cheating husband? Since you take care of everything (finances, cooking, cleaning, etc...), I think you should cut him off from the money. What does he need money for if you do all the work?

He is not going to change unless you change the relationship dynamic. Stop accepting his scraps. Once you accept he is cheating on you, you can get your head on right to deal with it. Shut off his cell phone, and take control of your finances so he cannot pay for his affair with your hard earned money. Hire a PI or get a friend to tail him and identify who the OW is and then do an instant nuclear exposure.

I can put GPS on his phone through our account, which he takes everywhere, even to the bathroom.

What other evidence do I really need? I looked into getting the text messages from the phone company but they won't do that without a court order...

CUT OFF THE PHONE.

Don't finance his affair.

If you want to wait until you have evidence of his lying, you can do that. I would also buy a VAR and put it in the car. That way you can have VOICE evidence if he is talking to any OW.

Have a friend tail him to the mall(if that's really where he is going) and have them take pictures of the OW. Find out who she is. Come here and get advice on how to confront and expose, and then do it.

Well I am thoroughly disgusted, he left for a minute and left his computer up (finally, it's always locked with a password I don't know) and while I couldn't get into his facebook or email (I don't have those passwords), I did find some pictures of him alone posing with his shirt off and then 1 of him and another girl... In the picture of him and the other girl I can only say I think that it's him based on the haircut... Her tongue is covering most of his face, it looks literally looks like a human dog licking at his face. Disgusting. Everything was pretty much cleared out in his history.

If I shut down his phone, he's going to question it immediately...

Of course he will. You would say something about how you are only willing to support your husband and refuse to waste money on anything that will harm your marriage, then say, would you like a cookie?

It is completely disrespectful for him to use YOUR money to finance his affair. Be careful, prepare to secure all of your finances.

Do you have any children?

No we don't have any children, and we've been married for 7 years...

Right now I am the one who controls the finances, he doesn't have access to the account my paychecks are deposited to. He does have a seperate account which I also don't have access to, I know he has money in it, but I don't know how much, where it comes from, or what it gets spent on...

He deleted the text messages from the phone... Now what?

Voice Activated Digital voice recorder...

available at radio shack or target for around $50.

Get it and hide it in his car (under the drivers seat)

You already know he's going to deny it so unless you get really solid evidence to confront with you're going to have to play the endless game of denial (plus getting evidence at that point will be harder to find...he'll go underground) It's such a stupid game because HE knows what he's been doing more than anyone but such dance can be avoided with concrete proof (a recorded conversation or two).

THEN...you cut off the phone and stop enabling him and expose him to the important people in your lives and try to figure out, using MB, whether there is anything left to recover.

Breaking him with solid evidence is step one to fighting this disease that has infected your marriage.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - check out the Spying 101 thread (I'll try to find a link for you)

Now What?! Are you serious?!

No kids and you do everything? He does nothing?

Really - why are you married to such a loser? There are better ways to help the homeless - volunteer at a soup kitchen or something.

He is worthless. Cut off his finances and kick his @ss out! So what if he finds out?! You have the power here, if you choose to. You have the job and know how to support and take care of yourself. He's just a leech, sucking you dry, and he obviously has no respect for you at all. He is totally playing you.


I know this is a marrige-building site, but not all marriages should be saved. This is one of them. You have literally wasted seven years with this loser. Think of what you could have done instead with those seven years. Don't waste another minute on this leech.

RUN!!!!!!

Double post sorry...