I vote for C: He realizes he's coming to the end of the road as far as his 'real' family is concerned, and he's getting cold feet. So he's trying to keep you in the game.

I wouldn't meet with him. I would ask your IM to forward your question to him. Your meeting will more than likely devolve into a control battle. You control this by not giving him that opportunity.

I'd have your IM relay this: "It is not in my best interest to meet with you at this time. I would be willing to reconsider if you are no longer in contact with POSOW and are willing to return to our marriage. Please contact my IM again if these things should happen, and I will consider it at that time."

Hi NP -

Sounds like the start of a plan.

Although I must admit if it was me I wouldn't go, read my thread on my meeting up with H on Plan B last weekend!!!! Not that you would do the same as me, but it still has the possibility of messing you up just by seeing him.

What are you going to do if he says he is still with OW? You need to know what to do, e.g walk away and leave? Also, how do you think you will be able to cope if he says he is still with OW?

Best of luck, sounds as though you are thinking this through sensibly.

I hope it goes well.

Harmony

You don't want to rush into a D until you see that it's the right thing to do.

Your brother sounds like a great guy, and he's clearly thinking of you. Because he hasn't spent as much time getting to know the nuts and bolts of an A like those who have spent time in the beast and come out the other side, he is giving WH way too much credit for thinking things through.

Re: 1) If OW had dumped him, he would probably be on your doorstep in tears, begging you to take him back, once he was pretty sure she meant it.

Re: 2) He isn't "trying" to do to her what he did to you, even though it may feel like it. That implies too much thought of her, and right now he's thinking only of himself.

It is a very common phenomenon of waynerds that they are TERRIFIED of being alone. Whatever OW may or may not be thinking and feeling, he's having second thoughts about the level of commitment he's getting himself into. Because HE is uncomfortable, he is trying to arrange things to help HIM feel better, and never ever for a moment have to be alone. Alone is scary!!!

Just as with anything, you can't use that to predict how he may turn out. That's just a simple evaluation of where he is *right now*.

If he had taken his first chance at R seriously, he could have done this without needing to be alone. He could have come straight back to you and tried to make it work. But now, because the bar is higher, and he has to show you that he's serious, he must be alone long enough to do much of the healing himself. Healing that he could have done far easier with you last time.

It sounds like somebody's not very happy with how his choices are working out for him.

Hey NP!

If you are putting this to a vote, my vote would be that you do not meet with him at all UNTIL he has ended it with OW and gone to NC.

But, if you feel that you must meet with him then the first thing out of your mouth should be "Did you end it with OW?". If he says anything but yes then you should immediately get up and leave. You have a boundary to maintain. Protect it which in turn protects you and your kiddos. He will not like this and will try to keep you in the conversation any way possible. That is why it is also important that you meet in a very public place.

You sound so strong right now NP. Please don't let WH de-stabilize you again.

Do NOT MEET HIM!

It will only bring more anguish and more pain, you do not deserve that. I would do the following...

Talk to your IM tell her to tell your WH this.

"are you still seeing the OW?"

Then your IM will go to you and tell you the answer.

STAY DARK YOU ARE STILL IN PLAN B

Remember the first time you did plan B? Remember when you caved in when he came back what? only 3 days?? DO NOT DO THIS AGAIN!!

Do not meet him. Go through IM to ask the question. He is still with the OW and you know it. no use analyzing the situation. You deserve more than crumbs.

I agree with the others, do not meet with him.

I know you want to do this face to face and that it feels more natural and normal. and that he will challange you on that. Maybe even saying you are a coward and/or breaking his heart.

Please trust us and try to see thru this, unless you are hellbent to learn the hard way and become one of the many who have endured false recoverys.

He has to talk to the IMs to message you. He must comply with the terms of NC and counselling with Harleys. He is not ready yet...

Thats my take.. Hang in on a DARK plan B until he proves himself worthy and willing.

Okay. The overwhelming advice seems to be to not meet him, so that is what I'll do. As you say, it's pretty clear he's still with OW, so why try to analyze it? He still doesn't seem very remorseful by his statement about being willing to "risk everything he has with OW" to try again with me. Where's the humble "I'm sorry"?

Will let you know how it goes. Thank you once again for the sound advice.

DON'T MEET HIM.

Now that I got that out of the way, I want you to think about WHY we are saying that. You see, you had some conversations with him a few days ago. What have you been thinking about CONSTANTLY ever since? THOSE WORDS HE USED. You have analyzed them. Turned them around. Replayed them a MILLION times. All the while what has been happening to YOU? YOU have been affected. Think about what ANY face to face would do to you. You can't control him. This face to face would harm you. Please, take care of YOURSELF first.

We are only here to help YOU. (((((NP))))))

Hi there petals,
This is easy for you, if he is serious and he wants to save his marriage, he will leave the OW and prove to you that he doesn't want her and that he is willing to work with you to fix the marriage.......
You could just text him and tell him this, part of your Plan B, if he is serious he will do what is needed, if he doesn't then he isn't telling you the truth.......
It's that simple........You have come a long way in the recovery process don't take any steps backwards.....
Of course he is rethinking the move to live with the OW but that is a decision he makes for him and what is right for his future.......
He can't just run back to you without any real self reflection.......he will just keep going back and forth if you allow a relationship with you while he is still involved with her........
Not something you need in your life, this is a tough road but the boundary has to be put in place here..........

I'll be gone for a few days. I'll check back in when I can and see what's been happening in NP Land.

So glad to read this NP! It's amazing to see the strength in you growing by the day! You rock!!!

Don't even text him, do not email him, do not facebook him NOTHING

STAY DARK GIRL we know you can do this!!

Scotty, I am really glad you wrote this. I didn't even realize how badly it was affecting me until I read this post of yours. And you're right, it's knocked down my personal recovery strength by quite a few notches. I think I will let my IM tell him that I'm not meeting him. I absolutely agree he is bounching back and forth between relationships and I honestly don't need that drama and heartache in my life anymore.

Climbing back on the personal recovery wagon.....

you can do this Np. Giving you a virtual hug ((np))

NP, NP(and Not though she was the only one with a funny nickname on here, you'd have to have read my thread a week ago or so to know what I am talking 'bout).

I saw how you kept posting about what he said in those conversations you had and I was picturing what you would be saying about the "meeting." Just like HopeE, she was a mess for a while after she met with WH.

Take care. You are doing the best thing for your family and yourself. Keep it up gurl.

Yes , this is good news.

I won't repeat what others have said.

Don't meet him!

Ok, I lied. ;-)

You need to focus on you. Get back on that bandwagon, focus on you, NP. I only can check up on here every few days or so, and so I'm a little slow but you've gotten great advice. Do not slip back. You are on the road to a better, stronger you. Its sounds as if he's playing a game, don't get taken in. He's not ready, he's not serious. So, no deal. I took back WFH only after he stated that things had been over a while (he came back from his trip to see her a day early... I KNEW there was trouble in paradise then...), and kept saying how sorry he was for putting me through all of the crap he did. Your WH? Not there. Not even close. So, until then, back to the focus of you (and the kiddos of course)! Don't let him manipulate you into something other than that.


Hugs to you, NP. Stay strong.

Hi everyone,

Well, took the advice and didn't meet him. But after doing some serious, serious soul searching, especially after thinking about what he was doing when he texted me, I have come to a decision: My marriage is over. I don't want to resurrect the pieces of it anymore. I don't want to be married to him anymore. I miss him, but I don't miss being married to him. I just miss his friendship that we used to have. I thought about all the work it would take if he came back, and all the doubts I'd be having and paranoia and getting past all the hurt - and I just don't want to do that. I don't think the marriage I had was worth it.

I feel a deep sense of peace after having come to this decision. And I'm going to start the ball rolling next week, contacting a lawyer and getting it all set up.

Thank you all for all your advice and I will be back when I can.

Where is it that you live? As far as what state. I'm sure there are MBers who can advise you on a great lawyer depending on where you live.

Sometimes you just can't go anymore, and you've reached that point.