Calm down. You're freaking out. Take a deep breath and realize you have time. Take all you need. You are in control of this situation now, not WW and not OM.

Again:

dude - ya gotta read up. Look up at the top of this page where is says, "Articles" and "Basic Concepts".

Plan A comes first for the time limit you have set for yourself (you say nothing to WW about it and you sure as heck don't ever say, "I'm in Plan A." You don't even mention this site to her at all - not yet.)

If/when Plan A doesn't work to stop the affair (and it almost never works on its own), then you go to Plan B.

But please start reading, or you will only be massively confused and won't understand anything we're trying to tell you.

everything, read these and then let us know when you're done. That's your homework. There will be a quiz.

e, do the things I outlined above. Did you read my posts? Expose the affair and cause holy hell in the affair every day.

Go get the book Surviving an Affair and read it cover to cover.

e - YOU HAVE TO READ EVERYTHING ON THIS SITE. You're just wasting critical time if you don't.

@everything -

See, WW has no plan.

Protect your finances. In order for her to go some place she needs money. She wants to leave so that she won't have you interfering with the affair. Information. Let it inform the Goal; bust up the affair (BUTA).

What are you so confused about? BUTA.

This is an expectation. You've alluded to this before. Is this a selfish demand? What does BUTA have to do with this?



Here's another quote:

So here's what's up:

She's moved out. She's living with her sister but has a renewed committment to making our marriage work. She has saught counseling (starts Thursday) and is going to see a doctor about anxiety/depression on 11/8. She wants some space because, as she says, she has lost her personal identity. I treated that woman so well since we first started dating that she truly doesn't know how to take care of herself. If anything needed to be taken care of (house, cars, pets, bills, you name it) I did it. She said she had gotten lazy and was taking everything I did for granted and that turned into resentment. Although I was taking care of our personal/family needs, I was not taking care of her EN's, hence, she starts talking/seeing another man. The affair is basically over. I think he's called her a few times and I messaged him on FB again yesterday (wife does not know this, yet) asking him, yet again, to stop calling my wife.

Today, we are going to a lawyer to sign a legal separation agreement which, in the state of Virginia, can lead to a divorce in as little as 6 months should the parties not reconcile before offical divorce papers are filed. NEITHER of us want a divorce and she has said that she want's a fresh start on our relationship and to get couples counseling once she's gone on her own a few times. We have a big, beautiful home that we have lived in happily (so I thought) for the last 2 years that we will have to rent out because we cannot afford to sell it given current market conditions. At that point, she wants to get a 2 bedroom appartment and, hopefully, after a short while on her own, we can begin living together again. The fresh start idea is the best one I've heard of (especially coming from her) since this whole mess started. She said she wants to ask me out on a date soon (she said she'd even pay which she hasn't had to do in over 5 years) to get things going again.

I guess I just need to maintain the strength and patience to let her have her space and not worry so much about what is going on with the other man. She has not said with conviction that their relationship is over since they work together, but she said she has been considering getting a new job to remove that aspect of the tension between us, but she hasn't made up her mind yet (she is a very slow decision maker. I'm the exact opposite. I decide and take action, often at the same time). Do you all have any advice on how I should go about handling this? I've been pushing so hard, and now I feel like I have to let go in order for her to find her way back to me, which I truly believe is her intention.

PS: Thank you all for your help and support. I wish I had found this site the DAY after the affair started so I could have handled it better than I did. I pretty much made as many mistakes as I could and got very little right. I still feel like I'm wandering aimlessly in the dark trying to find my wife again. But she knows where I am and what I want and for the first time in a month, we both want the same thing: to rekindle/rebuild and strengthen our marriage. For that, I am extremely happy. However, the lonliness is crushing. I need a friggen hobby, but football can only distract me so much. Any words of advice for this period?

I can't comment on the other stuff but I understand and feel for you on the above. If you ever figure out how to handle it, let me know!

Travis

Translation: She wants space to explore her "options" (e.g. current OM, or even a new one). What she doesn't want to be is "tied down" in an M and subject to the vows she made to you.



Her choosing to see another man is more about her poor personal boundaries rather than unmet ENs.



Not if they continue working together. FWIW, my FWW and her OM worked together, and they "called off" their A several times during it's two-year life-span. It ended when she disclosed the A to me (apparently in an attempt to get me to quit the M), but it TRUELY ended when they ceased working together.

Can you describe what advice that was already given to you have you followed?

Stop playing your WW-s game, thats my only advice.

This sounds like the A with OM is continuing. I believe she needs her 'space' so she can pursue her A. I also believe she wants both of you since she claims she doesn't want a divorce. And BTW, if neither of you wants a divorce, why are you filing for separation? Why even start in that direction? If she has a renewed commitment to your M, she wouldn't be living with her sister. None of this makes sense. Unless, of course, her actual motivation for moving out is to give her more flexibility in pursuing her A.

So I messaged the OM yesterday on FB asking him to stop calling my wife and to basically leave her alone. WW's response: If I find out you message him again, we're done.

She's taking his side. I believe we're done anyway. I guess I am just disallusioned to have believed that she was 100% committed to the M. She doesn't understand that by continuing to talk to this guy, she is continuing to betray me, over and over. Actually, she understands, she just doesn't care. I think this is beyond repair at this point. If she's going to get all pissed off when I bring up the EA, when it was her decision to do it in the first place, and try to paint me as the bad guy for trying to BUTA, then screw it. Let her be mad. I know I'm right.

everything, why have you NOT exposed this affair where they work?? Why have you not exposed this to all of her FB friends and his? Don't tell me he doesn't have any friends except your WW. He's on FB, isn't he?? There's your target audience!

You are fiddling while Rome burns, sir. Expose this affair! And don't listen to a word that your addicted wife says. Man up and let her know that you will NOT go down without a fight!

Calm down and take a breath. You�re going to get a ton of advice that seems counterintuitive, but it works.

Your wife is an addict. She is as much of an addict as a crack user is. What would a crack user do if you took the pipe away from her? She�d throw fits. But it�s the right thing to do.

Same thing with a wayward. Exposure kills the affair and doing things that go against her desires also kill the affair.

Moving out of your home is a big mistake. It gives her license to cheat while she writes it off as �needing space�.

What space? Is it not your place too? If she wants space, she can go stay in a hotel room. You take a stand and stay in your home.

The problem your WW has is that she has zero respect for you and you are playing into that by caving. Women have no respect for men who cave.

Trust me, I know. I did the same things you�re doing. I would follow her around, wimper, cry, beg, plead, leave if she asked.

I was her whipping boy and she had no respect for me. That is you right now.

What you must do is show her that 1. You�re a man and not a wimp, and 2. Willing to kill the affair and not buy into her lies.

This is counterintuitive since we�re telling you to do things which will obviously upset her. But remember the crack addict. Same thing and same concept.

Now you need to expose. It�s also counterintuitive, but it really isn�t when you think about it. Exposure brings light to the affair. It takes something done in secret and the shadows and brings it forward for all to see. The result is that there is a scramble to either run to end it more often than not. The effectiveness of exposure lies in doing it without warning. Warning her allows her to set it up so that if you try to expose, you�re made to look like the irrational crazy husband who is jealous of nothing and is simply trying to control her.

That�s because warning her lets her go to her family and friends and talk you down. She can tell them that you�re out of your mind and have gone crazy. So this blunts your efforts to expose.

Now, all that being said I have a few questions. Bear in mind that I think you should do the above (expose) regardless of the path you choose to take from this point onwards.

How old are you? How old is she? Why stay married?

I ask because I fall into the thought process that people stay with cheaters when there�s no kids in the equation for very unhealthy reasons and often because they simply don�t know any better. They�re held back by fear.

There is NO reason to stay with this woman. You don�t have a family to save. It�s just her. There is absolutely nothing special about her that can�t be found with someone else.

The second you take on that attitude is the second you regain control of yourself, your situation, and your life. Even if you want to save your marriage, I recommend taking on the above attitude. Why? Because SHE is the one that messed up. SHE is the one that betrayed her vows. YOU can do better than with being with a cheater.

You see, she�s lost already. Begging, whining, pleading, reasoning are all worthless things to do. They won�t work. It�s sort of like the soldier that decides he�s dead already. It helps him move about in the battlefield. If there is a bullet out there with his name on it, then he can�t control that and must carry on with his job, even if he is afraid. It�s the same thing with saving a marriage (or moving on from it). She�s lost. You�ve already lost her. If you recover your marriage, it will be with a new woman who behaves differently than your WW. That means that your WW becomes a FWW and adopts new attitudes and philosophies on marriage.

By taking on the attitude that you can do better, you at that point take control. He who cares the least has the power. That is very true in relationships.

Right now she is cake eating. You need to take control of your life and be a man. That means that you gently, but firmly talk to her without fear. You speak very matter of fact and you act.

This means that you move back in. When she says she needs space, you very bluntly, but calmly respond with, �This is my home. You�re the one that is cheating and wants out. You can leave if you wish but I�m not going anywhere.�

This will drive her nuts. And, BTW, sleep on your own bed. That means she can sleep on the couch.

When she goes nuts and yells, you stay cool. Remember, she�s a crack addict and you�re taking away the pipe.

You expose.

You then start to behave as if nothing is bothering you and that you are carrying on with your life. You show no fear. You show no remorse over your actions. You�re James Bond. You act.

THAT is something to be respected.

But seriously, why save a marriage to a cheater when you have no kids? What is there to save? She cheated on you. There�s tons of good women in the world who WONT cheat. Why settle for this one?

And don�t tell me love, because that simply isn�t enough.

The result of exposure will be rage on her part. She will scream and tell you that �you had a chance to save things but you blew it!�

She�ll say that along with a bunch of other things.

Ignore them all. It�s a standard response by waywards.

If you read up on other threads here, you�ll see that there is nothing special or different about your wife. Seriously, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is think that you�re different or special and so is she. I say that as someone who said the exact same thing and is not divorced because of it.

She�s not different or special. She�s a very typical wayward. We�ve seen your same exact story told here hundreds of times.

Everything you said is true. I am living in my home now and she is living with her sister. I do love her, but I think the fear of the unknown is a major driving factor for why I continuously allow myself to be strung along hoping and praying that we can work out our marriage. I KNOW I deserve better and that I can get it. I plan to live my life the way I want to live it and if she wants to work it out fine, but I'm not going to push for it anymore.

And what you said about it being a different woman, is totally true. It will either be another woman, or my wife who chooses to become a different woman (if that made any sense). I just need to be still. Do what I have to do to get by. Focus on me and if she comes around, great. If not, I'll be fine. I've said those things to myself before, and I've never really believed them because I'm in the throws of complete emotional chaos. I'm not sure I still believe it due to the fear of an unknown future when just 1 month ago, I was secure in knowing that my future involved a woman who loves me and cares for me. She just doesn't respect me because I always cave. I don't want to upset her, but all my actions from the day the A started have been upsetting her.

She says that if I contact the OM again, that we're done. I do think you're right. I've lost her and there's nothing I can do about it.

When they get mad, and say that "you blew it, now there's no way to save this marriage" etc., what makes them come around? Is it the calm nature that I must portray? Is it just doing my thing and basically ignoring the fact that she's pissed off? I really need to get that book...I suck at this.

She's a bully and she's counting on you to fold like a circus tent. And you're giving her everything she wants. Why are you doing this??

everything, if I heard an ultimatum like that from my wayward spouse it would tell me one thing: CONTACTING OP WORKED. You need to contact him again, only this time quit being so damned accommodating! You "basically" told him to leave your wife alone???

You need to let him know that his life will be hell until he leaves YOUR wife alone! You need to contact everyone he knows so they can put pressure on him to end his affair with A MARRIED WOMAN!

I would just go sign the separation agreement that she wants and giver her a letter tell her that you do not want to end your marriage and that you lover her and are willing to work towards a good marriage with her so that both of you are happy and secure but this cannot happen while she is involved with another man.....
Tell her from today on that you need to protect yourself from all the pain that this relationship causes you.....
You will stop all financial aid to her that you will not fund her affair with the OM in any way........if you have children tell her you will get a friend and all information passed on about them with go through that person........
Then you sit back and let her understand the real brunt of her decision, let her see what the OM really is about when he doesn't fill all her needs.........it won't take her long to figure it out, affairs are fantasy and when it becomes reality it's a whole different story.....
I know that this will be tough for you but right now she isn't with you anyway.....you have to show her that you are strong but willing to work on the marriage if she gets on board..........
If she doesn't then move on...............you are worth more than she is willing to give you...........
Most affair spouses come back because when they really weigh things out.....fantasy is just fantasy..........life and love has been with you, that holds a lot of weight, the trick is waiting it out for her to realize this, show her that strong man.....show her the man she married.......right now she doesn't see him
good luck

remember nothing is written in stone and everything can be re-done.....(separation agreement, even if you divorce) doesn't mean it's over, nothing is over ............