My wife and I have been together twelve years.We have been only married for 4 but have been best friends and everything else to each other since the start. We have two boys,age 3 and 9 months. I am a committed , faithful man and have always been. Two months ago my wife said she loved me but was no longer in love with me. I have pleaded and opened up to my wife about my flaws and plans to make a better me. I moved to my parents home to sleep because of the fighting and she wanted me to. One week ago she moved out to a rental. I feel like no matter what I do she is going further and further away. When we fight she says the most hurtful things that I never thought I would ever here from her mouth. My family says go talk to a lawyer but we dont have anything to split . She tells me Im the best dad and a great provider but that she doesnt want to lead me on. When I try to touch her she pulls her hand away or pats me like im some stranger . I continue to help her and I feel I enable her to leave but Im doing it for our children also because now we split he kids every three days. Ive asked her a hundred times if she has cheated , physically or emotionally but she says she hasnt and would never. I want to believe her but a little part of me sees that everything points that direction.

It certainly seems to point that someone else is interfering. The excuses and the actions both.

Do you have a shared Cell phone account? One of the easiest things to do is to check your cell records online for texts and calls, and to see if there is any numbers popping up frequently for either.

You made a fatal mistake moving out. Not only did you prevent yourself from being able to uncover evidence, if there is an A going on, you enabled it. She has further enabled this by moving into a rental.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...&Number=1984719&nt=2&fpart=1

Go over the Basic Concepts, the Surviving Infidelity articles, and read up on Plan A.

Buy "Surviving an Affair" for ease of access to information, and to prepare you for the battle ahead.

Welcome, Help42, sorry you have to find yourself here.

Yes, your W is more than likely up to her eyeballs in an A. A little industrial snooping will find that out. First of all, move back into your marital home if you haven't done so already. You shouldn't have moved out in the first place. YOU have done nothing wrong.

Now, for snooping: do you have access to her cell phone records? Either paper or online? Cell phone records typically show the A in excessive texts and/or calls to the same number. You can *67 that number. If it's a guy, you can pretty much figure you've got the OM. (Other Man.)

Can you access her emails or Facebook? If she's got FB he may be one of her 'friends.'

Does she work? Do you have access to her workplace? You might want to consider showing up there at lunchtime to "take her to lunch." Lots of waywards have A's with a co-worker, and the chance is good they'll take lunch together. See if you can catch them going to lunch together, or returning. If you can do that without being seen, so much the better. If not, use the "Surprise! I thought I'd swing by and take you to lunch" approach.

Consider hiring a PI. They are worth the expense (lots cheaper than a divorce!) and can sometimes get the goods within a day or so.

Gather some intel, Help. Then tell us what you've got and we'll go from there. In the meantime, read the threads and articles on here. If she IS having an A (and I think she is) some of what we'll be advising you to do may seem counter-intuitive at first, but it works. Get the info.

NOTE: Do not let your WW know you are snooping - it will push the A underground.

Yes she is in an affair, I am so sorry you are here but your at the right place.

Everything your wife told you and everything she is saying is because all of the guilt of cheating on you do not believe one word she is in a BIG FOG and she is justifying her actions.

She has told me she is unsure of what she wants. I have done some snooping around. In twelve years I never once was a jealous man and my wife is beautiful, Jennifer Aniston lookalike. I looked at her cell phone a found a number. I asked her and she admitted to texting a guy she works with. She told me they were just friends because they were both having problems.She told me that he shared a secret that he was gay and hadnt told anyone . She said his family was very religious and that his father was a pastor and his family would disown him. He is married with two kids also but she said unhappily. She said she would stop and I told her that if he was just a friend then thats ok. I have met him before and honestly hes a geeky unattractive man. I told her finnally that I couldnt deal with anymore and she has stopped. I know I sound like I already know the truth but my wife has never lied to me and I have told her to be honest and that if she had cheated that our relationship was over and there would be no repairing it. I told her she if she betrayed me then it was over for good and to just tell me . I was giving her a easy way out. Still nothing. I texted the man and asked him to leave my wife alone and he said ok. My wife in the past has had many gay male friends . She is like a magnet for them. She is very "girly" and feminine. Why wouldnt she just tell me if she was cheating and make it easy for herself?

It does not matter what the A guy looks like. Looks have nothing to do with it. It is the emotional connection and the fantasy that prevail.
My cousing left her BH for another man. For the longest time she told people she was living with a gay male friend...sure. He was not gay at all and they had been having and A for a long while before she decided to leave her BH for him.
So, what you have just done is to bring the A more underground. THey will continue the A, only..they will be more careful from now on.
What you should have done was to gather more evidence without your WW knowing and then expose to family, friends and workplace without announcing you were going to do so.
You now have to keep snooping and be more secretive about it.
I am pretty sure the guy is not gay...the gay ticket is what many WS play. They will say all sorts of thigs to cover their [censored]. They will also lie. Yes, your WW is perfectly capable of lying just like my WH was and is and just as every WS in this board is.
Sorry...but this is the reality of it all.
If you want to save your M keep snooping and then expose.
Blessing

I think this is just a smoke screen story. Sorry to say I think her telling you her friends were "gay" meant that they were happy to be dating her not in that they don't "like" girls.

You know these are two of the oldest lines in the book, right? Don't talk to your WW about your snooping! You are driving her underground!

Snoop, collect your info and come here with it. We'll help you go from there.

And you think she's going to do this? Why would she tell you the truth? You've already told her that you'll dump her if she's unfaithful to you. She doesn't want you to dump her, get it? She wants the life she has now and her co-worker on the side. That's why she's lying to you.

Hi there,
I think the other posters might be on to something, it sure seems to hit home with what she is saying.......
When a spouse is in the middle of an affair they will lie they will say anything to take the heat off of them.....
I would suggest snoopy and not feeling bad about it, do you want to save your marriage or not?
When you have proof, expose the affair to everyone and then give her a choice, him or you......
good luck

I JUST TEXTED THE OTHER GUY FROM HER WORK. HE TOLD ME THAT MY WIFE TOLD HIM SHE HAD FEELINGS FOR HIM AND HE TOLD HER HE WAS GAY. HE SAID THAT HE DIDNT WANT TO HURT HER FEELINGS BUT HE DIDNT APPROVE OF THE WAY SHE WAS HANDLING THIS BETWEEN HER AND I. HE MADE ME PROMISE NOT TO HURT HER EMOTIONALLY OR PHYSICALLY BEFORE HE TOLD ME. I BELIEVE HIM. IS THAT CRAZY? MY WIFE HAS CONTINUALLY LIED TO ME WHEN i ASKED HER TO GIVE ME THE TRUTH. I KNEW SHE WAS FULL OF IT. i HAVE TWO SMALL BOYS , AGE 3 YEARS AND NINE MONTHS. i JUST DONT UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CAN HAVE A BABY WITH SOMEONE AND 9 MONTHS LATER WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM. i THINK SHES CRAZY OR BIPOLAR OR SOMETHING.

She has developed an addiction to his attention and company, and it needs to end.

No discussion, no excuses, nothing.

How can she do this?

Here's your answer: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

You are both responsible for the state of your marriage, like it or not. It is, however, her decision to seek out another man to meet her needs.

Time to get real, and get to work.

This is all so much baloney that it's hard to read it. Help, please tell me you don't believe him! He probably put his phone away and thought "Sucker!" Yeah, that flies, alright. A married guy with two kids thinks someone's got the hots for him so he tells her he's gay???? What guy would do that???? None. That's what guy.

You need to do some serious snooping and stop giving your WW and her boyfriend a reason to be paranoid and go further underground with this. Have you talked to his wife about her 'gay' husband and his inappropriate relationship with your wife?

This is probably what really happened.

She got caught told you he was gay then called him and said "Ok just told my husband you were gay so if he calls or emails you tell him that you are gay."

Then they just went MORE underground to have their affair.

Well I feel better knowing something. I dont get it but at least I know. My wife has changed and went looking for what she felt she was missing. I have carried my wife for twelve years. I mean she works and everything but she has always been needy. I have always been the best I could be for our future and for our children.I know Im not perfect but I know I didnt deserve this and my boys deserve so much better. It makes me angry and sad at the same time. My three year old has had a few years of knowing his family but my other son is only nine months. He wont ever know his family the way he should. He will never have a Christmas with both parents.I feel my wife was very selfish and has only thought of herself. Family's go threw hard times and tough periods in life but you are supposed to stick together and support each other and you have to talk and express to your partner if your unhappy or whatever it may be. Im not going to write my wife off yet . I am going to tell her that we should just stay apart for a while and see what happens. Maybe she will realize what she is doing and come to her senses or maybe she will be happier and move on . Either way only time will tell. Thanks to everyone who responded to me.

Good luck, Help. Let us know if you want us to help you kill the A.

When you do this go to plan B stay DARK DARK

No emails
No text
No calls
No facebook
NOTHING

Find an IM to help you communicate about the children and that is IT!