Hi Sheba,<BR>It's time for me to go to bed but I have looked for you and am wondering how you are. I will look for you tomorrow. Thinking of you every day.<BR>Love, Karen<BR><P>------------------<BR>alleyoop<BR>

Hi Alleyoop!!!<P>You are so sweet to ask about me and yes, I'm doing OK!!! <P>I've got some time now to peruse here and have finally finished responding to the replies on my last couple of threads. It feels good to get to the things in my life that have been left unattended because of work, H and Court.<P>Have to take advantage of the lull!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>PS - Ever come up with anything on your H's question?<P>

Hi Sheba,<BR>No answers but whats new, right? You sound better and I hope you are. H and I are getting along better but it's because I'm doing my impersonation of a Stepford wife. I really wish I had an empty head sometimes. I know I suffer a lot more than he does and haven't a clue why. Life I guess. Could be worse. I was married before, for 11 years to "the husband from hell". He beat me up constantly. I have always felt blessed that noone died during that period of my life. I wonder however if I am not in the same sort of life here and the missing ingredient is physical harm. I am taking a very hard look at myself and the life I have made for myself. My father was and acoholic abuser. I thought everyone lived the way we did, and I thought the life with my hell H was normal also. My 7 year old son at the time got my attention and helped me to see we were in mortal danger and needed to leave. I need some stabalizing influence right now. I don't want to separate but I don't want to be helpless anymore. Sorry Sheba, I know you have your plate full to overflowing with your own problems, but I do like to talk to you. Bless you.<BR>Karen<P>------------------<BR>alleyoop<BR>

Hi Alleyoop -<P>You know - I've got an idea for you!!!!<P>H showed a little bit of openness there for a while so I want you to do something.....This might help with the Stepford wife "thing".<P>I would like you to write down - EXACTLY what you are want in your relationship. Include what you feel you have and what you are missing. Don't generalize - spell it out.<P>For example - more quality time together.... What the heck does that mean? Specifically, I want my H to take me _____! or I want to cuddle in bed on Sunday morning.<P>Get what I mean?<P>Come back when you have finished your assignment!!!!! LOL!!!<P>Psst - if H is in a good mood you can ask him to do it too!!!!!<P>hugs,<P>Sheba<p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited August 20, 1999).]

Karen -<P>pay attention to Deb's post - this is what I'm trying to get you to do to.<P>See if it makes sense to you -------<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Good morning Sheba,<BR>See just talking to you makes me feel better. I will try doing what you recommend because he acts all arrogant and mean like he doesn't need me like I need him but I think he is wrong. He doesn't need me because he has me and my love and loyalty. He doesn't know that if I was suddenly not a part of his life he would hurt as much or more than I do now. He is very insecure and has just forgotten that I am the one who gave him the love and safety to be himself. I really haven't minded being his rock of security but I would like him to evolve to a little higher level that includes safety and love for me too. He is an intelligent man but is so selfabsorbed most of the time he cannot see outside himself. I just want to be happy. He says I get unhappy because he withholds sex. I think that answer is way too simple. It isn't the sex its the intimacy that goes with it. He seems to feel I should be content with the fact that he is here and gracing me with his physical presence. Sometimes I am.....but sometimes I need more than to sit across the room while he channel surfs. He just can't understand that I would not be content to watch him be content. Maybe I want too much. I want us both to be happy and content but that would mean he would have to be as interested in me as I am in him.........or at least closer than it is now. I know the progression of a failed relationship. I am almost 60! I will soon get bored with trying to patch this relationship up by myself and will emotionally withdraw. He doesn't see that and as long as he is in control....will never see it. If I am in control it will be because I have given up and am looking out for me. Two people looking out for themselves does not a marriage make. It is merely a contract arrangement and is doomed to fail as an environment for mutual growth. Only the individual can fair well in conditions of self-indulgent, self-centered attitudes. I believe this to be true and have seen it in past relationships of my own. (Long-winded aint I?) H hates my analytical crap. Says I should just do as he does and be happy. He doesn't realize that he has me and I have no one. He takes what he wants from me and gives back what he wants me to have. All his choices, but he can't or won't see it until I am so tired I don't care anymore. And I know it's coming...........been there...done that. I just don't know why he won't hear until I don't have the energy to talk anymore. Sorry this was so long Sheba, it is just good to talk to someone who will listen. I tempted to go to the local pub looking for my ego.......I think I could find it there but I wouldn't like myself when I was done. Love you Sheba<BR>Hugs, Karen<P>------------------<BR>alleyoop<BR>

Hi Alleyoop -<P>I just feel so bad for you, Deb and the others who are feeling the way you do.<P>I want to make it go away for you all. I want to sit those husbands down and explain to them what you need and what they need to do to fill those needs.<P>But I can't!!!!!<P>It's such a combination of things that lead us to where we're all at. I supose it will take a combination of things to lead us to where we want to go.<P>I really believe that your H's love you, it's just in their own way that they express it. Some people are demonstrative - others are not.<P>Besides communication, maybe you gals just need to not rely on your H's for your ego boosts. Make some for yourself, ya know?? By being down or questioning them all the time - maybe they'll view that as too needy and clingy......instead of seeing that one or two change of habits or demonstrative actions on their part would make things so much better....heck, I don't know!!!!<P>It just seems to me that they want to move along and don't understand that the road needs to be paved by them a little bit!!!<P>ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!<P>Let's just use the two by four on 'em!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Sheba -- I don't mean to jump in on another thread, but I responded comments on my questions thread. I wanted you to know that I appreciate the help you are giving to my W and I.<P>I'll let you guys get back to what you were doing now.<P>God Bless