We ALL have those fantasies.

Thankfully, few of us act upon them.

If only more WS's did not act upon their fantasies!

That is my question. Have you read about EPs? (protecting yourself from situations that encourage A's...)
How does someone even MEET 16 people in 10 years?

I would like to know what you have done since your "Journey" to create a safe marriage for your wife.

What lifestyle changes have you made to demonstrate outwardly the change you say you have had?

What lifestyle changes have you made to demonstrate that you mean what you say about being a better husband?

What have you done to show her that your highest priority is making sure that you do nothing to hurt her ever again?

You see, I have a real problem helping a wayward spouse lure their betrayed spouse back into the marriage when the wayward is not willing to protect their spouse from future pain.

So before I can offer you any help, I want to know what you have done and what you are willing to do...

R2U;

Do you have the ability to councel with the Harleys?
That is the best route.

Do you have any counseling/professional help available to you where you live?
Have you had a current/clean STD test?
First you must protect yourself and your W with that.

goodness gravy! SMB- keep on trucking! yeah 4 u.
I feel like a paramedic, shouting "We need more help (vets) here!"

HOW have you been trying?

Be specific with your answer please.

Oh! I forgot about Markos-- MoM
And BR

R2U
wise posters. all good.

Yes, phone coaching with the Harley's would be your best option. Watcha think about that R2U?


(BC, I though we had a waving emoticon around here. Guess not. So this is me waving to you )

Agreed.

And what's scary about the OP is that his Qs are focused on how to get HIS needs met. No Qs on how to implement the MB program or how to help end his Ws A or how to woo his W back to the M.

Reason, you have been called out on your behavior. And you don't like that. I suspect that is because you have been living a life of entitled activity for...well, for forever. You can't do that for too long as an adult without some debris and wreckage, and you're seeing that now. And you don't like that the party has come to an end - at least the part where everything is free and easy for you, with no repercussions, no harm, no foul. You've fouled a lot of lives, friend.

Understand this: you have come to a pro-marriage website and told us that you have pretty much laid everything of the opposite sex you could grab without getting arrested (16 women?? What the hell were you thinking?? What was your point?) Then you get your panties in a bunch because you are immediately called on your infidelities. What kind of reception did you think you were going to get? A bouquet of posies?

Reason, whether you know it or now, you have come to the best place you can come to in order to find out how to heal a marriage. I'm all cool with the idea that you seem to have found Jesus, but it appears that your embrace of a faith hasn't totally worked for you. Did you think that accepting Christ would immediately pave a golden path in front of you? The Heavenly Counselor doesn't work that way. One of your male co-religionist must not have told you that. Sweat equity will be required on your part.

Consider that God has directed you here. He's got the Big Plan. Are you going to have a problem with that? He has given us to you. You pick what you want to do with that gift

This site HEALS MARRIAGES. That's what we all want to do. If your M is able to heal, we want to help you. You're going to hear some things that will make you uncomfortable, because we're going to hold up a mirror and make you look at yourself. We will make you reckon with yourself.

If you can't handle the heat and come out the other side with a recovered M, let us know. There are others we're neglecting who truly want our help so that we can help you.

I notice that I posted some questions to you that you chose not to answer, instead choosing to take offense at hard, pointed posts. You're gonna get some of those. Can you take it? Can you do this difficult thing? Believe me, living a life of fidelity is ever so much easier than juggling 17 women in 10 years. But you're going to have to dig in and start rowing, friend.

What do you want from us? What is YOUR goal for your marriage?

Quit lurking like a weenie and step up to the plate, Reason.

MaritalBliss,

I just figured out what you keep saying "reason". My name is "respond2us", I think you misread.

I have not been "lurking", or avoiding questions. I posted yesterday, I'm back on the site today. Geez.

I'd like to state the opinion that, while some of you have good suggestions, and are trying to be helpful, you do it in a very insensitive way. I never expected a "bouquet of posies" when I came here. I just wanted some help, and was VERY surprised with the apparent bitterness of people here. I was amazed at how many of you seem to take out your anger on me, seeing me as the "other guy" or whatever. I guess I can understand that, but remember...I came here for help. I came here honestly. I didn't hide anything. I haven't had an affair in 9 months. I've done a LOT of changing. And you guys jump down my throat because of what I did in my past. Man, it must be nice to be perfect. I envy each of you who are throwing stones at me for living innocent lives.

I don't need a bunch of people telling me I was wrong. I'm well aware of that. I'm well aware of all the lives I've screwed up. I'm aware that I've hurt my wife and myself in the process. I know that we may not make it. I know it's going to be a long road with little chance of success.

I also know that we are both committed to doing the work. If we didn't want to save our marriage, we (or she) could have ended it in the beginning. That sure would have been easier! But we're not interested in easy, we're interested in saving our marriage. Yes, for the record, she is here because she wants to make it. And yes, she knows she may not be able to get past it. You guys act like you're the first people to note these issues. Like I haven't been living it. It's ridiculous.

If I seem like I'm being direct, it seems like that's how you all want to communicate. While I would prefer a civil discussion, it seems that I'm in the minority.

I did not "get my panties in a bunch" because I was called on my infidelities. I got upset because I ADMITTED TO THEM immediately and several people attacked me for them. You guys need to tone it down and realize you can help people without beating them up.

"Did you think that accepting Christ would immediately pave a golden path in front of you?" Where in the world was THAT said? I have issues that I'm dealing with, and thought someone might be able to help. Should I not talk about my issues? Does asking questions mean that I'm ticked that God hasn't fixed everything for me? As far as "one of your male co-religionist" telling me that...wow, big leap made there. MB, you're making a LOT of assumptions, few of them correct.

One of the things you've said that I agree with is that God has directed me here, and He has the big plan. You're right on there. I pray a lot that God will help me understand all this and become the man He created me to be. I know I've screwed up my life, and only God can help me fix it.

I do want help. Again, why I'm here. You guys can't run me off. (That's a joke)

To answer your questions about what I want for my marriage: I pray for restoration, I want to be in love with each other again, and I want to survive this thing. I want my wife to be in love with me again the way she used to be. I want a life of intimacy, I want my best friend back, and I want to be the man that she needs.

Lurking like a weenie,
Respond2us

*sigh*

In all seriousness, I ask you: Instead of getting defensive, can you tell us what parts of the MB program you have implemented? Have you put EPs into place? If so what EPs?

Given that your W is still in contact with her affair partner, are you willing to do Plan A? If your answer is yes, what exactly are you doing/going to do as part of your Plan A?

Do you realize that because of your affairs compounded by the fact that she is still in contact with her own AP that it may be a while before she will be able to meet your needs?

Your M is on life-support you are wasting time arguing. We can't help you if you don't talk in terms of the MB plans.

Headheldhigh,

First of all, thanks for your helpful (and civil) response.

Your question about moving on makes a good point. I had a conversation with a friend yesterday who made a similar point, and it made a lot of sense. He said, basically, "If you quit this relationship, what's going to change in the next one? And who is perfect anyway? You'll have issues with anyone, because we're all human." Anyway...

Yeah, you're right about me having a bigger pot. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't mess with me that she's been with another guy for the last year, but really, the problem is 95% mine. She was only with him because I didn't meet her emotional needs. She had to get them met, so she did. I get it.

My wife is not the type of person to really read or research to find answers. That's how I do it, because I feel like more information helps. But she's more of the type to just think a lot. She's what I call a "bagger", meaning she bags her feelings...she stuffs her emotions. She's not much to talk about them. I'm kind of like the woman in our relationship, and she's the man (as far as emotions go).

We are in marriage counseling together, but have only began that in the last couple of months. It's REALLY hard, because that's when I find out how my wife really feels. At home, like I said, she doesn't really talk about it.

I was very frustrated yesterday when I posted my original post. I was also very "on edge", and everything rubbed me the wrong way. I apologize if it sounded like I was defending myself. I sure didn't mean to, or have any reason to. Lack of intimacy was on my mind yesterday, and it probably came across like that was all I cared about. Hopefully my posts today are clearing that up.

Sorry, I just found this website. I haven't read through all the stuff yet, and don't understand all the acronyms. So, give me a bit to decode your questions...

If you read the Requirements for Recovery here on this site along with the other Basic Concepts, the rest of it should make sense...

Respond,
Oops - sorry about the name.

I think what you're interpreting as being insensitive is our way of being passionate about what we're posting. We've been intimately involved in the destruction of adultery and we're pretty strident about stamping it out. If you can take some initial heat, you'll learn a lot here.

Let's look at a couple of things:

You were on long enough to post your story and become offended when some of the replies you received were direct and upfront with you. You'll never be able to accuse any poster here of not saying what's on their mind. Some of us cut to the chase, some of us are a little more eloquent. But you will get straight answers. You might want to consider sticking around a little longer to post more replies so we have more information.

I went back and counted at least six posters who have asked you questions and you didn't answer them. We can't help you without some input on your part. Why don't you go back over the old posts and answer each one that you see? That will help.


You said that. But we've asked what you're actually doing and you haven't replied.

Respond, you have averaged being with a different woman every 7-8 months in the past 10 years. So the 9 month mark doesn't sound as encouraging to us as you might think. You've got a long way to go, my friend.

Direct communication is fine.


I said this in response to your comment My point in my comment was that, while it's great you've got a personal relationship with Christ, accepting Christ will not fix your issues. It's not a magic fix. You would be surprised at the number of people out there who accept Christ and think they're hunky dory after that point.

No, I hope you're serious. Stick around. I'll warn you that it's going to get a little hot occasionally, so be ready. We're not trying to be mean to you - look at it like your brother or sister giving you a good shoulder-shake, trying to help you stop damaging yourself.

I'll stop here, because I can see that you're posting.

*shrug*

I didn't attack or even condemn you. I made the simple observation that you are lucky to be alive. SMB and it seems many others correctly interpreted the meaning of my post: your BW (betrayed wife), the betrayed husbands or boyfriends of any of those women had motive to do you in.

Posters frequently shorten screen names here. So someone calling you Respond or R2U instead of Respond2Us is neither a mistake nor an attempt to make a point of some kind.

I told you to move your post to SAA because it was the best possible place for your thread to be.

Good luck to you.

Actually, I did call him by the wrong screen name last night That's what I get for trying to saute my veggies and post at the same time. No harm no foul intended though, Respond.

Hey, respond, bit is right: just before exposure, when the OWH in my sitch was really starting to threaten my FWH, my FWH kept a hocky stick in his office. He felt very threatened. I told him after D-Day that he was lucky he didn't get his [censored] shot off.

She didn't say that you should be dead, she said you are lucky that you are not dead. I swear I dreamed I came into the hotel room where my FWH and the sleeze woman were having s*x and butchered them to death. I had that dream for almost two years. It was so real to me that it scared me to death. I have never thought about taking someone's life until D-Day. I can now understand crimes of passion so well.

I put probably 30 bruises on my H in the few months just after D-Day. Never knew I had it in me. And I remember one night, while I was kicking him wishing with every part of me that OW was in the room so I could give her what she so richly deserved, after destroying me like she/they did. The cold, dead desire to beat her within an inch of her life completely took over. I get the crimes of passion now, too.