Hi,
I'm new here, I found a month ago my husband had an affair. I don't know what to do. I'm sick to my stomach of all that I found.

This all happened in mid July he "found" her on a porn site (an interactive porn site). Don't know much about those. Anyways, he asked for her # after a couple of times of "visiting" her on that site. She gave it to him, then they texted and talked. I found out in Aug due to our cell phone bill being billed together and our bill was $200.00 more than usual. I questioned him and he said it was porn that you can charge it to your phone. I didn't think much about that because I know he looks at a lot of porn. I told him to stop which he said he would. Litlle did I now he didn't and continue. Then he arranged a night to go clubbing (which he lied to me about saying he was going to a co-worker's place on the island and will be sleeping over). Well his co-workers and the "porn" girl and three of her friends when clubbing. He got smashed and asked if she wanted to go to a hotel after. he lied to his co-workers about getting a ride home and she dropped off her friends and meet him at th ehotel after.
She paid for the hotel (he said he would split it with her and pay her back) because he said he didn't want it on his bill because it would be hard for him to explain. Anyways, slept with her. I know he's met up with ther for lunch after, but says that nothing happened that it was only that one time. I found out about the affair when I installed a keylogger on the computer and saw the cyber sex they were having. He contuineud to lie to me about the extend of the affair saying that it never got physical that they only had "lunch 3 times". But finally told me after I repeatly asked becasue it just didn't make sense.

I'm having a hard time dealing with all the details. I can't stop asking him every detail. Its so sick...so twisted!

I've been with him since I was 19..we were each other's first sexual partners. We recently got married May of this year after 11 years of dating. he said he did it becasue of his curocsity of being with someone other than me sexually! And he found her physically attractive (body wise slender, not so much the face)
We're going to counselling now, but I want to expose her, and see her and tell her husband. I've spoken to her on the phone a couple of times but I didn't know the gross stuff that I know, but I've never seen her. I know where she works...should I go and tell her everything that i know? And expose her infront of her co-workers? How can I find out who her husband is? I need help... I need a course of action.. Can anyone give me some advice please?

Yes expose this to everyone, her side and your husband's side.

From my own experience- expose immediately and to everyone. I was reluctant to expose at first, and I feel certain that it has caused my situation to get deeper and go on longer than if I had exposed immediately. It is hard, and you will be uncertain about it, but do it anyway. The veterans on this site are your best resource to help you in this situation.

I know I should do it... but I hate to make a scene at at place I don't know. Also, I'm not very confrontational I wouldn't even know how to tell her off... Aaagggg I wish I was more angry! I also want to find out who her husband is so I can contact him. Will the only way be to stalk her?
I'm so confused and this sounds so crazy to me right now!!!

I wouldn't necessarily expose her at her job unless it is one that values honesty, integrity, etc, as a marketing tool or slogan. Exposure is intended to help end the affair. Exposing in the workplace is typically done when the affair partners are co-workers.

You definitely need to expose to her husband. If you've got her name his shouldn't be too hard to find. Search her name on www.intelius.com. That may help you. It will bring up her name as well as associated names (on the right of the screen.) Her H's name will more than likely be there.

What phone did you talk to her on? Her cell? Did you google her name and city to see if a landline number for her comes up?

Do not tell your H you are snooping on this. He may forewarn her so she can spin the story about some guy's nut job wife (that would be you) who thinks she's having an affair with her husband. Just do it.

When you find the number call it using #67 - if she sees a recognizable number she run interference and keep you from getting to her husband. Try calling it (using #67) when you know she's at work, on the chance that her H is home alone.

The thing is I called her on her work phone. She works for a college as and admin. I have her cell phone # too but that is it I also know her email address that she used. I know her first and last name, but I don't think that her last name is her married name as most asians don't change their name when they get married.
I live in Canada so I don't think Intelius will be helpful plus I just have her cell phone which seems to be unlisted.

I think the only way is for me to confront her at her workplace and then tail her home another day since I will then know what she looks like.
Is that to risky?

HH, I am sorry you are hurting but I would walk away. You have only been married for 1 yr and have no children with WH. WH looking at "a lot" of porn and hanging out with friends who are into clubbing is just more layers of crap to deal with. Find better marriage material.

Try intelius anyway. Or any people search engine. www.pipl.com is another good one. You may need to hire a PI. It's worth it.

Besides the porn (which is a problem and he sees that its a problem and is addressing it now) he is a wonderful man. He hasn't clubbed in years and when he did I was always there. He went clubbing because we set that night up so that something could happen!! Very manipulative, yes! He didn't know how else it would have happened otherwise. Sick I know....to make plans like that!

He's stopped contact with her and he told her to do the same. He has no access to the computers at home and at work its not possible becasue he's a mechanic. His phone plan is changed and there's been no contact there too. He's being attentive to me and answering all my questions and trying really hard to be a better spouse to me.

I honestly think he was just in a craze the last two months. Even though we don't have kids our finances are joint and we own a place together. We were planning on kids and i did get pregnant but lost it. Now kids are on hold because of this.

I just don't know whether I should see her and expose her and call her for what she is. Did it make any of you guys feel better seeing and exposing the other person? I thought about going and throwing some money at her and saying "here is the F****g money for the hotel room that YOU paid so my H could F**k you". Makes me feel good thinking about doing that...but i don't know.

Why did you two date so long before you got married?

My mom passed away when I was 20 so we moved in together, and we wanted to establish a career and then get a place... just didn't priortize getting married as being that important. We both wanted to grow old with each other.

I just didn't know that his desire to know what another girl would be like in bed was so strong that we would do this. He said it was just a sexual thing...but why attempt to go back for seconds?

I may have to hire a PI but I feel like I can do this if I wanted to... I've found all this out by myself aready. I just don't want to be to rash and blow my goal of outing her to her husband. Poor guy probalby doesn't know she has a porn site and meets men like that!

Hmmm. The fact that you lived together without marrying is important. Have you read about renters vs. owners on this site? Your wayward may have a renter mentality.

Thanks maritalbliss, I'll look for that thread and read it. I think we've determined that he's got a problem. Sex addiction, watching all that porn at such a young age has really screwed up how he views women.

When I first found out, oh man the things he said.... so superficial! I am not fat by an means, but want to lose 15 pounds to be ideal. His desire is to be with someone slender and petite...because he wants to feel more dominate. Again sexual thoughts... He doesn't love her, just wanted to bed her. The more I think about it the sicker I feel about what he did. I think he's got a self image problem too...

I really appreciate all the support on here and am so grateful to find this site! I've read the plan A and plan B but wanted some insight on how to confront the OW and expose the affair to OWH. I was hesitant at first about posting but it's great to have the unjudgemental support!!

Did anyone here feel better telling the OW/OM off? I don't know her of course...but I've got some stuff that I want to say to her...

I would tell her husband EVERYTHING that is how I would get her back