I'm glad you are doing better too, KC! I can relate, sometimes you feel that you want to 'test' to see if you have really come to a point where you began healing...

Happy to hear that you didn't cry during or after, and your loyal pooch welcomed you back!

I've had a pretty rough time since last night...barely made it home, they didn't plow the roads and it was all I could do to get the truck turned around, I had to park on the road because there's no way I could get in the driveway, it's full of snow. The internet and electricity and t.v. were all out, and I had to eat a bowl of cereal for dinner, no way to heat up my dinner, so went to sleep since I'd been up most of the night before anyway. Elec. came back on and then went back off after a lot of off/on stuff, that's so hard on appliances! Got up at 3:00 or 3:30 and started shoveling snow, got the ramp shoveled, took an hour, my carpal tunnel is killing me, so took a break then shoveled a path towards the driveway, took another break, then shoveled over to the wood pile. Still need to get wood in and shovel to the street but my wrists are killing me. It's hard being alone, no one to share chores, finances, or even just chat about your day. I had a hard time finding the dogpoop in the pen cuz everything is covered in snow, so hope I got it. Went up in the yard again and brushed on the satellite dishes with the broom some more. Lo and behold I finally got it back, but don't know for how long. My son said it's 18 here (he looked on the weather report) at the highest. Still no snowplow, where are they? Tried to call my office this morning but no one answered, probably everyone trying to call in at once, ha! Left a msg on my boss' cellphone. Hated to take off but no choice. It's only Nov. and it's already like this? Have gotten at least two feet of snow but it's sinking down and really heavy.

Jim called last night and this morning(phone was all that was working). Can't understand him, don't understand why he broke up with me and can't even give me an explanation?

KC, I don't know you well enough to make this observation, but I'm going to, anyway.

I found it fascinating that you gave a very descriptive narrative about the weather, the affect it's having on your living conditions, how you're dealing with it and the pain (physical, but mental and emotional as well) it's causing. Then you offer two, short, vague sentences about Jim calling.

You've been very hurt by this broken relationship, but only mention it, almost in passing. Why is that? What is it you're trying to say (or avoid saying)?

And I wonder about this pushme-pullyou relationship. Maybe that's because my XWW is completely gone. Like dropped off the face of the earth to me. I only get snippets from others every once in a rare occurrence. And that's a good thing, I think.

I guess what I was trying to say is how my life is right now. I feel very isolated and all the more with all the snow and struggle...I'm finding the loss of Jim in my life very impacting as well. I'm still in the process of getting over him and trying to assimilate everything. It's confusing sometimes.
Yes, you're probably just as well off not hearing from your ex. I recognize that my relationship with Jim has changed...I'm hoping we can salvage a friendship, but not sure if that's possible. It's a little different because we weren't married, and because of how our relationship was to start with...we were more like companions so it's not that far from friendship, the difference being we are no longer a couple and I don't mean what I thought I did to him, and we're no longer going to spend our lives together.

Jim called me a dozen times yesterday morning, I was getting ready for work (walking the dog, putting cedar in the dogpen, making my lunch, showering, etc.) so didn't have time to answer, and he tried me on my way to work when I was on the phone with AT&T (I didn't want to lose my spot after voicemail, holding, etc.), so I called him back when done...he said he'd been crying, feeling nostalgic, he was listening to old songs, etc. ??? I told him to quit it! I said I'd turned my emotions off...asked him if it had anything to do with his mom's death and he said no. I don't know what he was trying to say or what it meant but I know I can't let him yank me around emotionally. I was real proud of myself, I gave him some sound advice on handling one's emotions through the holidays and then listened and chatted with him as a friend. Today he called at 5:30 am and I put him on speaker phone while I got ready for work. Guess he helped his ex-wife celebrate her birthday last night. That didn't evoke any feelings inside of me except to make me relieved he's no longer my problem! He may be a nice person, but man he seems messed up!
Other than continuing to struggle with the snow/vehicles, I'm doing okay. I'm very proud of myself for not letting emotions get the best of me. I know I'm not through the hurdle yet...Christmas season will be tough, all the memories. A couple of days ago on the radio they were talking about the Festival of Lights (which Jim and I went to together last year, one of his traditions) and I simply changed the channel. I have more to do than sit around and cry over someone who wronged me!

Nicely done KC! Very well handled.

Travis

I couldn't agree more. Must feel good to have that kind of strength KayC. good to see it!

Opt

I agree. And of course his mom's death is affecting him! How ridiculous of him to say otherwise.

I don't think he meant his mom's death isn't affecting him at all, I think he meant that wasn't why he was crying at the time. I asked him if it was having lost his family (he was married 30 years and did help his ex celebrate her bdy at his daughter's) and he said no. I think he was implying it was losing me but I didn't respond to that, he is the one that threw me away so whatever it is, he needs to work his way through it, just as I've had to.

He called again at 5:30 this morning, I don't know what's up with that but I don't put a whole lot of stock by it...he's just as likely to disappear on me for a few weeks.

Hi KC, it's me, milkshake....

I am so happy and proud to see you being strong, way to go! Jim can miss you all day/night long, but cannot play with your emotions as he pleases. How are things afterward?

I have had some technical problems and have not been on the site for a month... soon as I logged on, it frozed up...., and each time I just did not have the patiance to wait for 15 minutes for each page to pop up, and ended up logging off. And after several trials in a few weeks to no avail, I kind of stopped trying to log on.

Glad to see you doing very well, I missed you!

Got to tell you that it sounds like he is happy for you to meet his needs (conversation, shoulder to cry on) but he isn't interested in meeting yours.

Maybe take a break from him and then go back later if you want to be friends?

Hi milkshake, I've missed you! I've been off line all week too...
Jim calls me daily, sometimes for hours...but he isn't trying to get me back and I'm not going there anyway. We are friendly and enjoying each other's company but I've already determined he is NOT relationship material...too many issues obviously...I don't even know what all they are...I am not sure he does either. He is a very enjoyable person, very funny, I'm very comfortable with him, which is the only reason I still speak to him.

Hi KC! You are doing the right thing, I'm very happy to see how you have become strong and can have the boundary around you.

Since you are not trying to achieve 'recovery', there is nothing wrong being friendly with him. Just be careful and do not get too comfortable/accustomed to this daily 'friendly' conversation, I do not want you to get hurt again in the future 'IF' he chooses to 'disappear' again for whatever bizarre/selfish reasons.

I am not counting on him for anything. He's already proven himself to not be trustworthy in that department. I just enjoy his company as it comes my way. I rarely initiate phone calls, usually it is him calling me. I love him but am achieving the emotional distance I need and have given "love" a new meaning where he is concerned...whereas once I loved him with the idea in mind we would spend our lives together...now it is more casual and simply a sort of a friend that I enjoy when he's there.

Great! I like your bold attitude. Keep it up!

Merry Christmas!!!!!