It is not his fault by any means, but it hurts that I can't contact her for my OWN sins. Why should I lied about it? But, yes, it is not a sacrifice, it only hurts. Does that sounds better, or I still don't get it? I don't know how to express it.... Still working on the 'drama' thing, it's a work in progress, I am not free of it, just yet. But I think I understand what do you mean. Thanks for the input.

Rizos I read something by Dr. Harley the other day in which he stated that not doing something is not a sacrifice. I'm struggling with this, too, as there are a lot of things I'd like to be doing and am not, and I certainly feel like I'm sacrificing. But if you read what Dr. Harley says about the two types of resentment, I think it will help you to understand. There is a page on it in your seminar book; I found it randomly last night when I was paging through it.

Rizo,
At this point you have to conduct yourself like a woman married to a man she loves, You have to take his feelings into consideration with your every move and thought.....
If you live life where you think you can just ignore what makes him feel safe it will never work, you have hurt him and you are going to have to go the extra mile for a long while.......Think about everything that comes out of your mouth, don't talk about anything that might trigger him, make his feel safe around you......he is scared to let you in again, he is afraid of the same thing happening.....
You have to convince him that you are not thinking the same way about affairs and people that have affairs......
It is wrong when you are married and that is it.......you treat him like he is your only family.......make him feel that.....you love him don't you......
Don't be pushy, take good care of him and all his needs, talk about what is important to him......this is no longer about you for now at least.......
When he feels safe he will respond in a better way for you, but you cannot and should not expect anything from him at this point......
When he says get used to being roomates, tell him you want more for the two of you and you will not just settle for that and neither should he.....
Tell him this is an opportunity to have a great connection but being overly agreesive will just scare him off....
Camly and loving change his mind, you are together for now be grateful for that..........remember the bigger picture, he would be gone from your life if he really didn't want to be there........

Rizo,

For me going no contact with my sister has been hell on earth.
I moved 3500 miles away. She is takes care of my Dad, who is 82, and is ill. We text only about my Dad's health.

I love my sister, I miss my sister. However, I LOVE my husband more. So I keep walking and let it go as apart of what is needed for the safety and security of our marriage.

It isn't a sacrafice for HIM. It is a choice for me to have a better marriage without outside stress. So yes it hurts me, and my children ask about their Aunt. However, I gladly chose my marriage.

It's a way of thinking.

Thanks everybody who have been posting on my threat lately. It really helps to keep me straight!!! Unfortunately, ElC read my thread again and focused Only on the negative (lil sis).

So, again, I decided not to post. How am I suppose to learn, if I can't say how I truly feel? So much for the open and honesty!!! Spouses are suppose to openly and honestly hear each other, and look for a solution that will work for both of them. Hear each one point of view, and try to understand the other person point of view. I still believe that someday we are both going to be able to be honest and open with each other.... For now, I'll keep trying to heal his wound, you gave me really good advice!

Rizos, keep posting. You will become more positive as you keep working on things. But that can't happen without help.

I would hope it would be encouraging for ElC that we are encouraging you not to place more importance on contact with your sister than your relationship with him.

Also, it is significant that he still even cares about the issue.

Rizos, keep "healing the wound" in mind, but start thinking in terms of "filling the love bank" and "not emptying the love bank." That will accomplish healing AND MORE.

Update, ElC is not talking to me. For the last 2 days he hasn't eaten at home. I thinks he stays out to avoid contact. He is driving to the metro by himself. He doesn't even looks at me. I don't know what is he expecting me to do!!! Ahhhh!!! Should I just leave him alone? I don't want to be pushy! But I'm also afraid of making it worst!!!!, than it is right now.

Any input is welcome..., I'm pretty bad starting intimate conversations. Bummer!

This is the distinction between resentment over being forced to do something, and resentment over not being able to do soemthing. The theory is that with the second type, there is the possibility of doing something else that will fill the void.

Two cases in which that theory seems strained, both relating to the fact that sometimes there aren't acceptable substitutes:

(a) having to refrain from contact with family members, since their position in your life is unique
(b) having to refrain from activities associated with a particular faith system (like going to church)

Not saying that the activity/relationship doesn't have to be dropped btw...

Kerala,

Thanks for posting your point of view. Thanks to the help of MB posters, I'm starting to understand why it is not, and should not be view as a sacrifice from my part, not having contact with my lil sis.

I failed to understand that ELC was not against my lil sis, but in fact, against her actions. He tried to told me this once, by saying that I had to view it from outside, and not as her sister, but then again I'm a knucklehead from birth, which still doesn't justify it!

When I see it from outside, I can understand that her choices have been wrong. As a sister, my first reaction was to forgive and move on(something I learned from my own family and it is wrong!!!). But what I should have done on the first place was to speak with her, and clearly let her know that what she was doing is plain wrong, and that I was not going to talk to her again, until she started to make better choices with her life. Because even though it is her life, and she can choose what to do with her life (I can not control her actions), I can control and am responsible for mine!!!!! And the right thing to do is to explain her in a constructive way, that what she is doing is wrong, and I chose not to be part of it. I will always be her sis and LOVE her, but won't participate or cooperate with her bad choices. Btw, not because her actions are influencing me, but because her actions are wrong, and she needs to be held accountable for them. Otherwise, she'll never learn, and will keep making wrong choices with her life!

it is still hard no to have contact with her, but it is my choice. Whenever I feel ready and strong, I will have the heart to heart and straight to the point conversation with her. It will be painful for both of us, but it needs to be done. If she chooses not to understand me, then again, that's her choice, not mine. So the ball will be on her court, if she chooses to do the right thing, we'll be able to get in touch again, otherwise I won't.

Well, I asked ElC why he was upset. He basically said it was a waste of time to talk to me, because I only talk and do not do anything (no actions to keep my word!). He said he was becoming angrier at me, and to leave it there, that he wanted peace. Of course, my Wayturd rise from hell, I may have screw it up badly this time!!!!

I asked him again, what he was specifically referring to, and I got upset when, instead of hearing a clear and honest answer, he only said that it was the same issues that we have been talking all along. Which are?, I kept asking. Keep in mind, I'm intelligent and very quick for a lot of things, but I'm very slow at getting some info, specially if it is not clearly expose! He said again, more or like, that he was not going to tell because basically it was a waste of time! Ugh! problem is, he is never clear! i truly never know what really is on his mind. So much for wanting me me to be open and honest.

So I kept asking, keep in mind, it is really hard to get a talking reaction from me, but I kept talking! (my bad this time) I asked him, why he thought I was asking him why he was upset. He said you tell me, and well I did. I said I couldn't deal with the fact that he was saying one thing, and then expecting something else. I said, I could deal with him not working MB, that I was not asking him because I wanted him to follow MB, or work on our M (this is when it gets bad), I said I just couldn't deal with the drama, either, that I just wanted peace too. (well, with that statement I basically call him drama King). Of course he got more upset, and that's when he said he was just getting more angry at me, day by day.

Anyway, I said I don't have a problem if he doesn't wants to talk to me, or if he doesn't want any drama, etc. But that he needed to be clear with the expectations. He wants no drama, he wants peace, Me too. But I don't come home with a long face, and start ignoring him, and not say what it is wrong. To me that is drama!!!!! But then again, I might be too foggy still.

I just don't know, he doesn't want me to make dinner for him, no sex, no rides to the train station, but I do have to follow MB principles without making ANY mistake!!!! I have to do it perfectly!!!!, without his input of course. I don't want to be acting out of fear, which is what happens, when your partner is not right by your side let in you know at all times what's ok, and what they don't like. I feel blind sometimes.

Well, enough nonsense, and drama from my part. Right now, we are in a very bad moment. I truly believe it is not going to work for us. I have always known that this is a marathon, but ElC thinks this is a sprint. He thinks that people can create new habits, in no time, and without any help. There are things that can change quickly, but others take time.

I don't know, I will try to re-group and go from there. God, how late it is!!!!!! I need to go back to sleep. I was so upset when I went to sleep earlier on, that my mind was convincing me to send everything to hell. That's why we can not trust our minds or hearts, they play tricks on us. After venting on a paper, and in here, I feel better. Oh boy...I just want him to heal, please God, show me the way. I just don't see it now, I don't want him to suffer anymore!!!!!!

Maybe next time, I should avoid any drama from my part by ignoring what is bothering him, maybe that's what he wants! Who knows, I just think that he shouldn't be upset, when he has clearly said that he is not expecting anything from me, that it is all academic now. I know that's not true, just a self mechanism, but a little honesty and clarity from his part will definitely go a long way.

I'm definitely Wayturd of the month (it hurts).

Hi! Everyone,

Have a great Thanksgiving Day!

This year I'm making the Turkey dinner (Puerto Rico's style). Oh, God!!!! I hope that it tastes good, DD's are very honest...

Last year I was still too foggy to be thankful for having met you all, but this YEAR I am VERY grateful that BH found this forum.

Don't lose hope on our M, I still haven't!!! I will keep fighting until ElC figures out, that I'm not going ANYWHERE without HIM! I am a Crazy Irish Chick on a mission!!!!

Bravo to you, my good friend!!

hugs, Mel

Nice to hear the hope in your voice, it's all worth the effort...........
Have a great holiday, look good, smell good, make new memories...........

Happy New Year!

We had a peaceful Holiday, nothing big, just the 4 of us. I actually think I needed a break from celebrating Holidays with FOO's. I I wish we could have gone to PR, but only for DD's. They are used to big family Holidays, and were a little upset, specially the oldest one. I just have to plan in advance for next year. I'm sure that if we were at Disney, they wouldn't have missed anybody!!!


M talk...

ElC told me the other day that I should accept the fact that we are going to be only roommates. That the fastest that I accept it, the easier it would be.
He seems very serious about it, at the moment, but I still believe that we need time to heal. Not that I have any kind of expectations, one thing I know is that I won't settle for a loveless M like he wants. I told him that I was not going to live in a loveless M, I don't know if he believes me or not. I'm giving us time to heal, but when the time comes, I'll change the plan.

I'm definitely not happy (how could I be? 0 affection, no SF), but it's different. I'm not worrying about the future anymore, I'm just taking one day at a time, and living it. I'm planning on visiting him at one of his Brazilian JiuJitsu classes, not because I think that it will change his mind. I'll do it because I want to do it.

I just keep myself positive, and try to do what's best for the M, while taking care of myself. Trying to be a better person everyday, and learning a lot from MB.....

That's it for now, tomorrow we are expecting The Three Kings. DD's were asking if they were going to receive presents from the Three Kings even though they were not living in PR!!!!

Good Night!!!