DH and I have been together since 2003 and married for 4 years.

On July 26th my husband told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore. He told me that he wanted to take a break and take time to think. I left the house because I didn't want to be in the house and I didn't think I could emotionally. I stayed at a friends house that Monday night and Tuesday he texted me to see if I would meet him for lunch. We met and he cried saying that he's sorry for all the things he had done and the way he's been acting and he just wants to be with me. He said he feels like a failure because we just filed for bankruptcy in January. He said he's just been really down about it and didn't know how to handle it. So I went home. Well August 5th he texts me that nothing has changed. We talk on the phone (because he can't talk to me in person) and he tells me that he should have taken more time to think. So I left again thinking that I needed to let him sit and carry this burden. As I was sitting and thinking about all of this, it didn't make much sense to me as to why I had to leave. He's the one that wants this. So I told him that Sunday that I was going to come home. I thought I was going to come home Saturday but I told him that I had changed my mind and just wait. So Sunday I come home and he comes home later. He tries to strike up some small talk but I was too hurt right now to do that. So I had to leave the room. He was talking about how even though we went through the bankruptcy we're still struggling really badly. So I felt like all of this is about the money. I thought he was depressed and I thought he needed some help. On top of all of that he was sending about 1000 texts a month to the same number back and forth. When I confronted him about it he said its a guy that he works with. I called the number and they wouldn't answer. I called from his number and a girl answers. I texted her from my phone and she said that she was using her mans phone. I asked who her man is and she says the guy that DH works with. They didn't text after all this on Thursday and he finally got a text from that number Saturday at 10:30pm and 12:55pm.

I was working a FT job and 2 PT jobs. I put my car in the bankruptcy and drive an 8 year old car that has 130K miles. And he still kept his 08 truck with a $650 payment.

He wanted to come home that Monday after all that. I told him that he could come home but this is my house too so I'll be here. If he still needs "time" I'm not going anywhere. So he was texting me all day. Before I left work I printed off 3 months of our texting bill so he could see it in black and white. On the way home he called me and I asked who she was. He kept telling me that it was the guy he works with. So finally I just told him that I don't believe him and that if he really wants to work all this out he needs to come clean. I told him that I wanted him to call the number from his phone so the guy from work would answer and that would prove to me that it wasn�t a girl. He hesitated to answer which pretty much confirmed it in my eyes. I told him that he needed to come to the house right now. I was a wreck. He came to the house and told me that it was a girl. I asked who she was and how far it got. He said nothing happened at all and it was just texting back and forth. He said that there was no sexual anything between them and it was just a friendship. He said he couldn't tell me who she was. I asked if he was worried if I would beat her [censored]. Apparently I knew her. I kept asking who she was and what they talked about. He finally told me who she is. It's a girl he works with. Now my DH is a truck driver so he's not in the office at all during the day. He said they barely even talked at work. I asked what they talked about and he said she was dealing with some things in her life and wanted advice and it grew from there. They talked about the troubles in her marriage. This same girl broke up my friend�s marriage because she was in love my friend�s man (J) and J wanted to be with her. J met up with her and did some terrible things to my friend. J worked with them too but he�s been out on workmen�s comp for his back for months. She talked to DH about J because DH is friends with him. He said she misses J and she didn�t understand why J won�t call her or text her back. J is now dating someone else and she apparently couldn't deal with it. I asked DH why he was more concerned about her marriage than he was his own and he said that's what he needs to work on. He said that being apart has proved to him that he wants to continue a life with me and get back to where we used to be. He said he wants the help and wants me to find a place we can go to together. He told me that he talked to her and told her that this couldn't continue because he didn't want the friendship anymore. He blocked her number and he said he'll tell her to leave him alone if she tries to talk to him at work. I told him that I believe she had/has other motives and I don't trust her at all. He said they never talked about anything that he needed to hide. He just knew I didn't like her at all and he didn't want to make me mad. (Plus I think he thought I'd make a scene at work by going off on her.) I told him that it looks really funny that she's separated from her husband now and he needed a break. He said that was even more of a reason for him to not tell me because that looked even worse. I asked if he ever went anywhere with her or met her anywhere at all and he says no. He tells me that he's been completely open and honest about everything that's happened and he wants to prove to me that I can trust him again.

I knew I wanted to give him a shot because he's never done anything like this before. He's always been honest with me, but I'm scared to be hurt again.

We've been going to counseling for 10 weeks now. Our counselor hasn't really talked about the emotional affair or whatever it was. All she's really said is that I need to live in the "now". I've been working on that but every little thing DH does or says or texts I freak out. Especially when he isn't really affectionate one day I think he's done. Well he's getting mad because I'm still looking at the phone bill. Today I see that he texted a number I don't know for an hour back and forth. I ask him about it and he gets mad and just tells me to call it. When we started this whole thing he told me that I could question and he would just tell me without a problem. He said he's tired of walking on egg shells.

What can I do? I want to be with him, but I think I'm pushing him away.

Your husband is following the typical wayward script. I strongly doubt he has not slept with her yet. Very few men are willing to go to such great lengths to stay in touch with a woman who they have not had sex with... unless they intend to have sex with them soon and are cultivating that opportunity.

You're not in recovery yet. You're fighting an active affair that has now gone underground. I recommend you contact the moderators to have this thread moved to the "Surviving An Affair" forum, rather than "In Recovery".

I only have one piece of advice you need right now: Buy a copy of "Surviving An Affair" IMMEDIATELY. This is written by Dr. Willard Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers. This book will be your textbook to understand the ongoing affair and recover your marriage. Read it cover-to-cover. It's only a couple hundred pages with a fairly large font size.

If your husband is a cross-country truck driver, that's part of what is killing your marriage. No matter what, he needs to quit working with the other woman YESTERDAY. There are plenty of trucking jobs, and plenty of local non-overnight trucking jobs (though they typically don't pay quite as well). If the other woman lives local to you, you may also wish to consider relocation to another state to get away from her. Watch carefully to see if your husband purchases a new "secret phone" to stay in touch with her. That is usually the next step, often a pay-as-you-go phone so he can pay in untraceable cash.

Best of luck. You have a hard journey ahead of you.

We work for a school system and he's just a warehouse driver. I'd love to move out of state and get away from all of this. And we don't have the money to purchase a phone from our account. I handle all of our finances so I'd know if something didn't look right.

She used a pre-paid phone and the number he texted yesterday was another pre-paid phone through the same company. I called it and no one answered. A few minutes ago they called back and it was a guy.

I want to tell this girls husband what she's been doing behind his back for years (not just with my DH but other guys). Apparently he was talking to her for 6 months or so.

Yes, that's "exposure" you're discussing. In order to break up the affair, it's best done in a "nuclear" fashion: plan all your exposure targets, plan exactly who you're going to call, get all of the phone numbers lined up, and then go hide somewhere for an entire day where your husband can't find or reach you to call all those targets at once. Typical targets include:
* The other person's spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend,
* The other person's parents,
* Your spouse's parents,
* Your own parents,
* Any siblings,
* Any friends who's opinion your spouse values, etc.
* Your children over the age of six.
* Your unfaithful spouse's employer; they can and will often help to break up the affair immediately by transferring or firing one or both of the affair partners. A school system will be particularly sensitive to this due to worries about sexual harassment lawsuits and deep pockets. Expose to both your husband's supervisor and the other person's supervisor, and do so in writing via certified mail.


Targets to avoid:
* Anybody you know who was, themselves, an adulterer and never recovered from it. They tend to support the affair or support divorce rather than supporting the marriage.
* The other person and your spouse. They already know they're having an affair; it's pointless to expose to them, and they will try to spin your heads in circles with lies to get you to stop exposing their affair to others.

Other than Exposure, though, "Surviving An Affair" covers everything else you need to know. Go buy that copy today, start reading it, leave it in a place your husband will see it when you're not reading it, and come back to your thread later.

I agree with DNM. This sounds more like a full blown PA than an EA. Very few waywards will reveal all of the truth right after DDay. What you usually see is that they will "plead guilty for a lesser offense." Once they see flat denial isn't working, then the next step is "just friends"; when that doesn't work they try to plea bargain again, "We kissed a few times, but we both respected our spouses too much to go further." And you get the self righteous "How dare you spy on me!

Until a wayward spouse has ended the affair (with a No Contact letter that you approve of), you might as well count 90% of everything they say as being tainted by deception. Continue to try to find out everything that you can about the affair and OW. If husband is outraged at your distrust, give him a little reverse affair babble: "I am not trying to gather information to prove your guilt. I am trying to gather information to prove your innocence." If he has nothing to hide, then he'd have little reason to find fault with the fact gathering process.

My parents know, his parents know, my siblings know, and a couple friends know. We don't have any children.

And he does say that his life is being watched, etc. I'm sure there's more to the story but he's not going to tell me. And when I say that I'm going to contact her husband he says I shouldn't. He said he was a listening ear for her during her separation and she was a listening ear for him during the BK.

Then only exposure to the other woman's parents, siblings, and spouse/boyfriend remain!

I don't even know how to find those people. I don't know her husbands name.

The part that worries me the most is that he's getting mad. I don't want this to be over and I don't want the PA or EA to continue. It's like he thinks I should be over this by now.

The weirdest part is that I broke up with him for 2 weeks in 2004 (when we were dating) and slept with another guy. I told him when we got back together because he deserved to know. He never let me live that down! He'd throw it in my face all the time. So he should understand how long it takes to get over things.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

And if he's still throwing your infidelity while DATING (not even engaged) in your face six years later, it's not because he's still hurt or trying to get over it. That's BS. It's because it gives him some "secondary gain"; he stands to benefit in some way every time he brings it up to you:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

Infidelity with no children? Dr. Harley's usual advice is to dump the guy, learn how to really love your next partner, and cut your losses. It's what he'd do if his wife cheated on him, and you have his blessings. But if you really want to recover this marriage -- if you think there's something there worth saving -- "Surviving An Affair" shows you the way. Have you ordered your copy already?

I don't think it's something that I can just throw away. Why would kids be the only reason to really make things work?

I have not purchased the book. I will see if it's in my local library since I do not have the funds to purchase it at this time.

They wouldn't be. You may have many other reasons, that are for you and only you to decide.



You can buy it for Kindle for just $10, and read it on your PC right now. You can download Kindle Reader for your PC and assign it to your Amazon account.

I do not agree that you shouldn't tell people who themselves have had an affair. My mom was in an ACTIVE affair when I exposed and she wanted to drop kick my WH. You never know who the best support is going to come from, so you need to tell anyone who would be influential to your WH.

Do not threaten him with this! This is exposure - you need to keep this to yourself. Exposure is done with no notice to the people in the affair. Do NOT talk further with your WH about telling OW's H. You'll be throwing away the best tool you have to end the affair.