I know this is a forum about how to cope with infidelity with another person, but how do you cope with infidelity with drugs? When I met him, I was still broken from a previous relationship, and he was coping with the suicide of his best friend. The first three months of dating were fun, a lot of drinking and partying. He had a daughter, 6 at the time who was the sweetest thing I ever laid eyes on. Shortly after I met her, I moved into a one bedroom apartment with the intent to keep it to myself for the next year while he and I dated. Instead, he moved in. The next three months were okay, but than his ex was being seriously irresponsible with their daughter because she was addicted to methamphetamines. Suffice to say, his daughter moved in with us. The next 9 months were hell living in a cramped living space with him, his daughter, two cats and a huge dog. I got pregnant shortly before moving into my parents house and the next few months were slightly more bearable thanks to the added space. Despite his dillusions that he was supportive, he wasn't. He was a [censored]. I tried to leave him several times but there were always circumstances that made me feel like I would be ruining his life and his daughters life if I did leave him. He wrecked his car and became completely dependent on mind. On top of that, he hasn't had a drivers license in 7 years due to too many unpaid traffic tickets. He went to jail and he convinced me to bail him out after serving one week of his sentence. Shortly afterwards, on the day we buried my grandmother and our daughter was 3 months old, I caught him using Heroin, and that had been the main contributor to his erratic and angry behavior. Had my parents not been home, I would have screamed and kicked him out. But they were home, and the last thing I needed was for them to react the way I wanted to. Instead of leaving him, I deciided to help him and he has been clean for the last 10 months with the help of a methadone clinic. He swears up and down that he will never use it again, but I am fearful that if he did start using again, would I recognize the signs? He hid it so well from me for such a long time that I fear I wouldn't recognize the signs even if he did start to use again. He still has anger problems and he still has not gotten his license back even after sitting out all of those warrants and in the last two weeks he's been pulled over three times for speeding, each ticket amounting to 1000 dollars because he has no insurance and no license. He also falls asleep at the wheel and he has wrecked both his car and my car in the last two years. Every receptor I have in my brain tells me that I deserve better and that I need to find a way to leave him, but I have much love for his older daughter and I fear that her life will be wrecked if I do not make this relationship work out. I do not think he is a bad person, but that he is bad for me and that bad things are going to continue to happen to him with or without me. On top of that, he is still in some ways emotionally abusive, but not nearly as emotionally abusive as he used to be. I just feel so trapped and I feel like I am stuck ina life that I never wanted for myself. I wouldn't give up my daughter for the world, but I do feel like I've been dooped into a life that I never really wanted. I do not know how to cope with the constant set backs and the constant paranoia that he may use again when he is no longer dependent on Methadone. Any advice is much appreciated. These are only the highlights of our relationship problems, but if you put a camera in our house and observed us, you'd get a headache.

You've answered your own post. I'm sorry. Listen to your brain and stop enabling him.

So just how far under water are you going to let the ship sink before you save yourself and your child from this mess? I'm a recovering addict with just over 6 years clean but I also live a life of recovery. Your bf has no recovery. Even if he's not using he's not living a life of recovery. 3 tickets in two weeks, where I come from the next one would be a felony and involve jail time. Is that the life you want for your daughter. Or better yet, when he relapses and the cops kick down your door at 4am and SRS takes your kid because she's at risk in that house......

Naw sorry, he gots to go. If you truly love him, draw him a map on how he can be with you.

1. Monthly Drug Testing
2. 7 NA Meetings a week
3. Get a sponsor & work the steps of NA
4. STOP ALL ILLEGAL BEHAVIOR

Tell him after he's done this for a substantual time y'all can start dating. And of course, a commitment to this man would also mean that you could NEVER use alcohol in his presence or have it in the house and it'd be best if you never drank again if you choose to be with him. Is that something you're willing to do?

If you're worried about his daughter, call SRS. Sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen that choice is whether or not you're riding shotgun......

Oh Oh Oh and I almost forgot, you should also go to some Alanon meetings...

Funny that you should mention that. I haven't had a drink since I got pregnant, alcohol quite simply is not that much fun for me any more. Right now I know for a fact that he is getting monthly drug tests right now because they will not distribute his methadone if he tests dirty. He did initially go to some alanon meetings as well but he stopped because of their christian based faith approach, he's agnostic. He does drink more than I would like, approximately three to four beers a day and I've asked him to cut down, he just doesn't think he has a problem because he compares himself to his dad, who used to have a serious alcohol problem. He has a long history of drug use, particularly marijuana, which I really don't have a problem with, but I should have a problem with because I initially wouldn't go out with him because I knew he smoked pot. Boy that only turned out to be the tip of the ice berg when I look back on it now. I have asked him to move out in the past, several times, but he never does, he just stays and wears me down until I give in. And then he calls his mother, and she tells him that I can't legally kick him out for thirty days because I legally have to evict him. I am conflicted because I know he is working and he is putting 90 percent of his money towards our family, but like you said, how long am I going to stay on the ship before it sinnks. That I do not know. It honestly feels like either way, I am doing the wrong thing. But you're definately right,, I need to stop enabling him. After trying to leave him 30 times in the last three years it just seems almost pointless to try to leave him again. He always talks me into staying by making me feel guiilty and making me feel like I'm destroying his life. But its his codependency that frustrates me so badly. And it only depresses him and hurts his feelings because he really wants to be the man and father we deserve. And the very next day he freaks out because I don't tell him I love him. Even though I think I do love him, he's just not the right person for me. We are going to see a couples counselor this week, do you think they might offer the same advice? Maybe they will tell us to seperate? Because I really think that is whats best for me, I just really want a professional to tell him.

ALANON should be for you, you are the one living with an addict. ALANON, NA, AND AA are NOT CHRISTIAN BASED. They all do reference a Higher Power that some chose to call God, some chose to call it a door knob, some chose to call it the group.

If he is an addict that is drinking then he is an addict that is in ACTIVE ADDICTION, alcohol is a drug.

1. Monthly Drug or Alcohol Testing
2. 7 NA Meetings a week
3. Get a sponsor & work the steps of NA
4. STOP ALL ILLEGAL BEHAVIOR
5. NO DRUG or Alcohol use

After he does that for a year, then would be a good time to start dating him. And darling, I'd use that year to find out who you are and why on this earth you chose a man in this type of shape.......

I have been using the last three years to figure out how I got involved with a man in this shape and I have good advice for all. Don't date a person you met in a bar. LOL.

Does anyone have experience with custody disputes? Because if and when I leave him I want to persue custody for his older daughter. I have been her full time mother for two and a half years and she is very close to her little sister. I don't want her to get lost in the foster system, she is extremely bright and sweet. I am not sure how much money that will cost but if I can pull it together she will be well worth it.

What a horrific mess.

The odds are really low on you getting custody of his child.

The best thing you can do is leave him, request sole physical and legal custody of your child. Put a request in to get custody of his daughter on the grounds of her being a half sister to your child, but you have a pretty big hill to climb on that one.

The biggest thing you need is to bring his drug use forward. You also open yourself up to having the bio mom come after you.

You�re in a giant mess. I think the best thing you can do is leave him, get custody of your own child, and report him to child protective services so his daughter can be placed in a home while you fight for custody of her or perhaps you can get a temporary order where you can be her guardian.

A judge doesn�t know you, so I would question, as a judge, why I should give children to someone who stayed with an addict. I�d volunteer for a drug test yourself so you can show you�re clean.

My advice is that you should quit trying to save people and look for people who don�t need saving. You can�t save anyone. You can only control your own fate and your own actions.

For God�s sake, though, get away from this person and protect your own daughter. Go stay with your parents and get therapy to figure out why you go out with such losers so that you can avoid those behaviors in the future.

The addiction means that he will feed his addiction before anything and everything else in his life. So long as those other needs are being met and he can maintain the addiction, everything is honky dory, however, once something threatens the addiction, that thing will be eliminated in favor of maintaining the addiction. This means money, safety, food, whatever. It will all be scuttled to feed the addiction.

If you are going to try to ride this out, you need to cut your codependent behavior as it relates to the addiction. You need to have a realistic goals according to a rigid plan and with well defined boundaries for yourself and your child.

Being in the same household prior to initial detox should be outside of those boundaries. He needs some kind of treatment program or detox and some very rigid guidelines to get his personal recovery going.

Recovery of personal relationships and/or taking accountability for damage done to personal relationships eventually becomes a part of recovery.

You have decisions to make for yourself.

Unfortunately, this is only the second long term relationship I've ever had in my life. I dated a man prior to him that was definately on the up and up, didn't do drugs, had a great job and was on his way to becoming a police officer. We were both young unfortunately and he had oats to sew elsewhere. When I met Jon, I honestly had no idea what I was getting myself into and as much as I care for him, I regret nearly every day that I met him. I spend a lot of time psycho-analyzing myself and why I made the mistakes I made, and in the future, if I can get myself out of this mess, I will definately avoid those past behaviors that got me into this mess. I am an only child and my parents are anti-social and I grew up a great deal of my life being sheltered and being unaware of the real world and its hidden agendas. When I met him, I was 23 and goin through my rebelious stage about five years too late. I've gconstantly had to learn about the social agenda on my own, considering I have no role models to compare to. And when I really needed my parents to help me get rid of him, they were non confrontational. They didn't start to try to get rid of him until after Katie was born and until after he started trying to recover. I really don't know how to leave him considering my current social economic status. I am graduating college in December this year but I have not found a job. And we live with my parents, so every time I want to leave him, I really don't have anywhere to go. I've told him how I felt in the past but he only seems to care about his own agenda. I am a huge push over and I really hope I can seek therapy afterwards to help me cope with my instincts to just give in. Thankyou for your input. It feels good to talk to someone about what I am going through without involving my close family. I really hope I can find a counselor to suggest a seperation. I think once I have a job I will have a lot more confidence in my ability to do what I need to do.

1. Start legal eviction proceedings.

2. You aren't legally married, but contact a lawyer to find out your rights regarding the other child. Actually, if the school were to find out about the home situation, someone may feel obligated to call the child protective services regarding the suicide stuff going on, and the dad's situation regarding driving while unlicensed and uninsured. You may consider not allowing your child to ride with him AT ALL, in order to protect her. Reading what you have written about his driving record, I would not ride with this guy myself, let alone let kids ride with him.

3. The tenor of your posts makes it sound as if you have no control over your life. This is so far from the truth. While I know that I have given you 2X4s, these are to let you see that you hold responsibility here, and you also hold


CONTROL.


You CAN leave.
You CAN move home, tell your parents what has happened, and live your life free of this man. It is your choice to live in an open and honest manner with your parents behind you

or

to live trying to hide all of this from them while you suffer without any support whatsoever.


Ultimately - sooner or later - this will explode. Your parents will find out.


On your terms now, or on the explosive terms later?

You have all of the control you CHOOSE.




I speak from complete and total experience. I have been in an abusive relationship. I have made the choice to leave. It took me three years to do that - but I did it.


The day you leave, tell the truth to your parents, and begin your walk toward figuring out how to have a normal relationship will be the best day of your life.


Order the books.


Leave.

Talk to a lawyer.



SB