3 years ago, my WH had an affair with a Chinese National (OP). They met on a business meeting and communicated through skype and met up on pretense of business trips. After I discovered the affair, the OP dumped him as she was not willing to migrate to our country. He then promised me he will not hurt me again. He became a better husband and father. I even bought Dr. Harley's book "Fall in love and Stay in love". And have been the best wife and mother since. We have 2 children age 10 and 8.

Just 3 weeks ago, I discovered that he was having another affair with another Chinese national via skype. This time, The OP is working in our country. I also found out that they have met up on several occasions. Upon my discovery, he wrote to the OP, in my presence, to break off the relationship. She agreed and told him not to contact her again.

Since then he has tried to cooperate by removing unwanted chat programs in his computer, coming home early from work and being more with the family, letting me know his passwords. We have also attended marriage counseling twice. But he is still deleting his phone listings which I am very upset about. He says he needs some privacy.

He also said that deep down, he is polygamous but will try his best to remain monogamous for as long as possible. He says that all men desires to be polygamous but it is just not possible as women will not agree to co-exist. Other than that he wants to keep the family together and promised that he will care for me and the family and give us the best. But he is still struggling with his inner needs.

I am very disappointed that I have married a man with different values and I am afraid that he will not be able to break his habit and temptations.

There are a lot of Chinese Nationals working near our area and I am afraid he may get braver with his conquests knowing that I will never leave him.

I feel that my WH is a serial cheater and that if I stay on I may be fooled repeatedly. When he is with me, I feel that he is just putting on an act to deceive me so I will stay. on and take care of the family I really want to save this marriage but everything and everyone else is telling me to leave him.

Does anyone has the same experience or repeated betrayal and have managed to save their marriage and prevent further cheatings?

Please help.

What a sacrifice from his part. That is a biggest bull I've ever heard...

Could you try some snooping? Read about it here: Spying 102

The fact that he is still deleting his phone calls might indicate that there is OW3 around. Try to find some facts about what is really going on. Marriage councelling won't help you a bit when he is having affairs.

Sorry about your situation, but this site is offering the best help. Welcome to marriagebuilders.

Welcome to MB, angel.

How long have you been married? How old are your children?

Does your H stay away from home for business trips? For how many years has he been taking these trips?

If he has been travelling for years, I suspect that there have been many sexual encounters and that you only recently found evidence of a much deeper problem. I suggest that you ask your H to submit to a polygraph test so that you can learn the truth.

Your H is likely to repeat his adultery many times if he continues to travel for work, and if he continues to have contact with women who, as I understand it, are happy to provide sexual services for businessmen. I suggest an immediate appointment for phone coaching with the Harley coaching centre. I think Steve Harley needs to speak to your husband and, on the basis of the talk, let you know whether your H is willing to implement extraordinary protections (EPs) to protect you and the marriage.

Angel, I am so sorry that you are here and welcome.

Here is a thread to help guide you around this web site. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

It IS possible to recover a marriage with a serial cheater. It is a lot harder to do, but IS possible.

Your WH is full of BULLCHIT about his polygamy dreams. He just wants to be able to say, "I told you, this is how I am. You can't be mad." What a crock of BS.

You will need to snoop. You will then need to expose his affair(s) to people who have most influence over him.

Also, privacy between spouses is reserved for bathroom activities, what your WH wants is SECRECY and there is NO PLACE FOR SECRECY in MARRIAGE.

Read up on the plans. You can do this. Welcome.

Thank you for your replies. I am glad to receive your input as I am totally at a lost right now.

I am 37 years old my WH is 38. We have 2 children age 10 and 8 and have been married for 11 years. We are Chinese born Malaysians living in Malaysia.

I have been snooping at his skype messages when he accidentally forgot to turn of his computer. That's how I discovered both affairs. The same way twice on his office laptop (the same one). The first OP also left the air-ticket stub in his bag and I picked up her call one night when she was desperate to speak to him. The second one, I saw their messages on skype and QQ (Chinese social chat). I managed to figure out a password for an e-mail account which I also accidentally found and found him booking flight tickets for her. I know they are both Chinese Nationals from their names and destinations.

When he had the first affair, he was traveling almost every two months to China. I believe he even paid for the women to come over to our country for visits. The second affair happened closer to our town.

I have exposed the affair to his family members whom he is very close with. He loves his parents and his brother is his business partner and the are the most influential in his life. But he cuts them off by saying the this is his personal issue and nothing to do with them.

After the second incident, he has agreed to bring me or his brother along to his overseas business trips. Currently he goes to the next town (where his brother is working)once a week on Wednesdays comes home around midnight. Because it's his own business, he has flexible time meeting clients and there is no way to trace him.

We are living in Malaysia and I don't think it is possible to contact Dr. Harley. I have been thinking about leaving but am worried for my children and also I still love this man.

I am still practicing the things I read in Dr. Harley's book on being the best wife so he has no reason to blame me. In fact, He has not blamed me and both times, took responsibility and has admitted his faults... but he still doesn't understand why he is doing this.

I am hoping the the counselling will help him find his reasons for cheating. So far, he has been a willing participant but I do not know how much truth he is telling (we are counselling individually at the moment).

He claims that the women he meet are not "service providers". However I am not sure how much of this is true. I have sent him for health checks since the first affair and he does not have any STDs. Moreover, I have managed to trace that it is the same person throughout the one year affair (based on the chat history on skype and QQ)

About his polygamy dreams, it is unfortunate that I live in a country where the Muslims can take 4 wives (we are Christians which does not allow us too), and our Chinese political leaders have infidelity records. To add salt to the wound, the significant male models in his side of the family have records of infidelity. Something he grew up living with.

He said that he will change and will cooperate with me. My fear is that he will only cooperate for a short term and he will forget about changing very soon. However, I am giving him a final chance. Meanwhile, I will continue to be the best wife I can but I will still tell him my discomforts.

We are receiving counselling from our church. There are no good professional marriage counsellors in my town.

I am currently noting his phone calls and he just agreed this evening to scan through his call history before he charges his i-phone every night (it auto deletes upon charging). As I work in his office, I also have access to his skype accounts which he has a greed to be transparent with.

I don't know how much more loopholes he can find to cheat. Last year, he actually altered his passport date from 2009 to 2008 to hide his escapade to China.

The counsellor feels that this could be the effect from his childhood and he will need to go through a maturity process. However, I am not finding any excuses for him because he made those choices knowing very well they were wrong. I believe there is some narcissism in his behavior as he is bad tempered and jealous of other people's successes. And his actions are mosly selfish in nature without remorse for me.

I am still hoping for the best. I appreciate any feedbacks on this. Thanks once again.

Let me save you the money you're spending on counselling and tell you why he cheats: because he has poor boundaries and chose to pursue other women to meet his emotional needs.

Read the article on this site about the most important emotional needs. (EN's)

FYI - counselling is usually a waste of money when one or both of the spouses is having an active affair. The chance is pretty good that your WH will lie to the counsellor as long as he is foggy and is feeling entitled.

I agree with you, Maritalbliss, that he won't recover if he still in contact with the OW. He said that he is no longer in contact and will allow me to check his mails, handphone, follow him outstation. Initial he feels controlled but I told him that I needed to do all the above to gain back my security but it will need time. As I work in the same office as he is, I am able to do all the above without much problems. He also agreed to bring work home instead of going to the office after hours/weekends where he has too much privacy.

I don't know if the above will be enough to stop him from temptations but it is the best we can do at this moment. And he seems willing to cooperate.

Also, thanks for your advice on EN. Looking through his ENs and the only thing lacking is conversation. He has a stressful job and he enjoyes socializing whereas I am a more quiet person. Basically he is the extrovert and I am the introvert. I have spoken to him that we need to spare more time talking and building out communication beyond our currnet level.

We will continue counselling, even if he may still be in the "fog" (he may be lying to me about contact and still trying to be friends with the OW). But we have discuss the prospects and he knows that even if he kept their friendship, it will only escalate to more problems and end up nowhere, which is why he wants to attend counselling to sort out his need for this addiction to something that he has been doing for a year (flirting on the internet, etc.).

I am also not sure if it will work for him, but it is better than nothing at all. Since he is asking for help, and help is available (it's free without any limitation on hours and we can call or arrange for appointments anytime), then we should take this last step to see if he is willing to commit to change.

Thanks to Scotland's advice that it IS possible, albeit difficult, I am more positive now and will work together with my WH.

Meanwhile, I will also continue to snoop to spot for any inconsistencies in his accounts of the day.

I will update here on my progress. Thanks and any further advice will be much appreciated!

Btw, I am also reading up as much s I can on the other postings under this section. As there are too many to go through, please let me know of any particular case which is similar to mind so I can also learn from their experiences.

I really apreciate your comments and help on this. Thanks.

Dear All,

My situation has turned for the worse. It seems that Maritabliss is correct that my WH is still carrying on with the affair. In fact he has requested for time to end it which I doubt he ever will. I strongly believe now that he is keeping this woman as a mistress in our country and has no intention to end it.

Maritalbliss is also correct that my WH has poor boundaries.

As such he is attending counselling on his boundaries and values. I do not know to the extend of his lies to the counsellor. But I am sure he will try to win over the counsellor to pursuade me to stay while he continue with his affair. However, I believe we have a good counsellor who will not be blinded by his lies. At the end of it (there will be a timeline notified to me by the counsellor), if he still chooses to keep his poor values then I will have to make my next decision on my marriage.

I am so sad that it has come to this. Right now, the counsellor has informed me to be patient but it's killing me to wait for the his final decision with little hope that he will change his values. At this point, he admits he has poor values but is unable/unwilling to change.

I am trying very hard to live each day positively for my children's sake. As I am already at this losing end, I will try my hardest to persevere to see the real end. At least I know that I have done my best.

I cannot believe that I am so in love with a such a person to withstand all this pain

Thanks for all your advice and support.