Logically, I know it's (A), but I've slipped back into old behavior and chose B,C, and D. I have been aware for some time that I have been slipping further into unhealthy thinking, but now realise having had a "renter" mentality I waited until it became an extreme problem in the relationship.

I'm having different awarenesses pop up all over the place going through the information here, and in participating in discussion. It's a little overwhelming, but I'm staying focused on CONCEPTS and hopefully after tonight, POJA.

Thanks again for the input!

A is NOT the correct answer.
Click on the "show me" button.

Oh. my. goodness. I am such a green newbie....going to read, and re-read, and read some more.... *blush*

Kneaded,

You are about to learn something very important. Pep often says things very concisely, but man can she hit the target. You follow her lead and you will do well, both in your relationship, and in life. The woman is cool.

JL

PS: You haven't asked her why the correct answer is the correct answer. Go ahead ask her.

F. NONE of the above.
FOCUS on the MB concepts.
STUDY the MB concepts.
WORK the MB concepts into your daily life.


I'll bite...why is the above the correct answer?

Come on, km. You're a smart girl. What do these things have in common? Think for a sec. Do you see any people that these things apply to? Look closely. You'll see that they apply only to you.

Navel-gazing is not going to restore romantic love to your relationship:

A. might make you feel better about yourself.
It doesn't build a romantic relationship. It is a personal, static human drive.

B.will distract you from the priority of making your M the best it can be right now. Your past is your past. It will not help build a romantic relationship.

C. How do you think worrying about the future will help with anything? Especially with building a romantic relationship?

D. will distract you from moving forward in a healthy way. Really, are you going to change history one bit by feeling happy, guilty, or any other way? Wasting energy on revisiting the past is counter-productive, and takes away from moving forward and building a lasting, romantic relationship. You did wrong. You're now doing right. Move forward.

MB is a program that removes the emphasis of 'self' and replaces it with 'couple'. It is intended to bring two people together in a romantic state of marital love. Not a lot of time is spent on self-improvement. Though, interestingly, when you follow the concepts, self-improvement will follow.

I think it is significant that D, guilt about the past, is not the correct answer. Many people seem to have formed the impression that the message around here is that guilt IS the correct answer. I have seen some of those people get turned off and burned out from guilt (very rapidly) and leave and lose out on the wonderful source of help that is the Marriage Builders plan, and that's disappointing.

Of course, some people arrive so loaded with guilt that they "hear" people encouraging them to feel guilty more often than it is actually happening, KWIM?

Which ACTIVITIES (key word) .... things you DO ....

What if I were to ask this:



You would immediately recognize it as a bogus question, because NONE of the answers are an activity. They are, as pointed out to you, navel gazing.




It was IMPROVE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP ... the key phrase, that threw you off.

MB is like HOUSEKEEPING for romantic relationships.

Does this help?

You can feel bad all day long about how messy you have allowed your house to become, but it won't make your home any nicer to live in, will it?

Sweet!!!

dear lord I do love it when we get down to ground truth. Knead are you getting this? I hope so.

To the person that asked about guilt here is my stock answer. Guilt is an emotion that should "prevent" you from doing something. And that is often why you see people here paralyzed with guilt. After the fact, "remorse" is what you want and remorse requires actions to rectify the pain inflicted.

Notice we are back to "doing something" again. Just like my old college football coach yelled at me one day.

Interpretation: Naval gazing is not productive and changes nothing. Even if you don't know what to do, do something, provide energy to the system and you will figure out the correct thing to do.

Knead, I told you Pep was the best didn't I?

JL

I totally feel like that should have been obvious and it's very interesting to me that I missed that point completely! It really shows me that my focus has been in all the wrong directions.

Each of you made some really powerful points....so this is what I'm learning right now (I want to see if I'm getting the idea!):

The core focus of MB is specific guidelines towards activities *we* can do to build and strengthen our relationship together. Any individual guilt is unproductive and takes away from the goal, which revolves around strengthening us as a unit. Am I moving in the right direction now?

Can I just say this is just awesome?! Talking stuff out makes it so much easier for me to internalize information, and I love that I can do that here. It's saving me energy too since I'm not wasting time misunderstanding the goal!

What we both find interesting is the shift we both already feel in how we're interacting....and it's definitely motivating us to jump in more.