Harmony likes the poor little bad boys. I thought she was going to see it, not hide it with another episode with another one.

If this guy had any nuts he would stop the cycle for her and admit he was a wuss for taking advantage of her, even if she asked for it. Instead he is willing to wimp out and wants forgiveness and understanding, something that Harmony gives to the wrong guys.

He is a user, now a wolf in sheeps clothing, maybe he doesn't know it, and he believes his own tripe, but for Gods sake leave her alone. He can't see it can he? If he did he would just go away and be honest with her and let her hate him if need be, instead of trying to be..blah..friends.

I understand fantasy and how we need to visualize a future for ourselves. I also know she is in a tough place emotionally and tring to find value in herself. I have seen it before and I will see it again because it is the human nature to seek relationship and its nothing new.


I expect better from her, if I didn't, it would be IMO a DJ to believe she couldn't change or learn. I know she can. I want her to be free from the fear of not being loved. I want her to see she is, by her friends here. If she can imagine this also, by God.

I wont feel sorry for her, not now, I believe she can have a great life if she would only fight for it and know she is worthy of it ..just cuz..thats why.

I find you very balanced seeking, and I like what you are saying also.

I reserve the right to get ticked at Harmony just as I would any of my friends I respect and beleive in and care for. To me that is love also, and breeds understanding to those left alone to think about who they are and what they can do for themselves.

She doesn't need this guy, she doesn't need any guy, to be a whole and complete women. I have a suspition that she is weak in this area, and that men have taken advantage of her, but few have ever really addressed why and she doesn't see it.

So sue me, I was hoping she would take us all seriuosly and trust us that we care for her, even when we get mad, and she has shown us she really doesn't belive what we say or it doesn't apply to her.

Cmon Harmony, do you really think that little of us?

I will look into the thread time to time but I probably will lose interest if I think Im talking to a brick wall, then I will start following a new thread and hope you will learn your lesson someday, get help, and learn via the pain we are all trying to help you avoid.

Untill then I will post, but there is a time limit for your life and everyones time here too. How long will you waste it?

For arguments' sake, I'll say: while it may help to have a BS at home willing to work the program, it is not necessary. In fact, if you cling only to that, you're doing yourself, your BS, and your M a huge disservice. As I believe I have told almost every WW I have posted to on here, you need to know who you are. What you stand for.

If you don't do that - if you don't find yourself in all of this - and instead just start trying to rebuild a M touched by your infidelity, you are building a house on a bed of sand.

While infidelity has many predictable and similar points, we are all still dealing with things in our own corners of the world. Sometimes both spouses are fully on board. Sometimes neither one is. Sometimes it takes D-day to start to turn things around. Sometimes it takes years before the WS defogs. Whatever the situation, if you don't know yourself, you're only setting the stage for further trouble.

Holy cow, Harmony! What were you thinking...

I already wrote the hellish long post to you, but then I deleted it, and say only this ...

If you choose to stay contacted to OM, you will end up being a potential OW to married couples in the future.

If you choose to stay the way you are, you are dangerous, a threat yourself. Do you want to stay that way?

I know. He is not married he is single. I would not ever get involved with someone who is married. Not that matters I won't be contacting him again, I shouldn't have gone there. I just want to be on my own, not married, not dating not anything.

Can't trust men at all.

Then be on your own, work on yourself.


This is you, honey, who cannot be trusted. You cannot trust yourself. The minute you realize that would be a turning point in your recovery.

Do you see the irony in this statement? I could have sworn YOU are married, so what does that say about OM?


Huh? Aren't YOU the one who reached out to him? How did you expect him to react? You already knew he is the type of man who is willing to "go there", he's proven that. Now it seems you have shown him that you're just like him. But you're not... are you?

This is painful to watch. Why sabotage yourself?

You should go read on TOW for awhile and see if you relate. It should make you sick to your stomach. There are a lot of women over there who think like you do.

Time to change your stinkin thinkin.

I'm probably old enough to be your mother and as a mother I would say to you, "Sweetie, you are so much better than this. You know better so you should do better."

This, and


and


give you your roadmap Harmony. Decide to follow it.

Harmony,

Boy, you are receiving quite a few 2x4's for your actions.....Look at it this way, the OM you decided to call was the same man that has left you in the place you are in now.......Instead of calling him for comfort(so you think) you should be pissed off at him for being able to screw with someone else's life........That isn't a friend you need.......Someone that lies and cheats is not someone you should want in your life....look at the damage.
I often think this way, if my husband hadn't had the affair, how much easier would it have been to fix the problems in the marriage, Now it's like there is a big elephant in the room all the time........
Anyway I think you are seeing things a little better now and know what you should do....
You should just try to keep yourself busy, an idle mind will not be good for you.
Don't be to hard on yourself, this whole situation is a learning process, this for you was a bump in the road....that's all, doesn't mean you can't move forward......
I know you must feel alone and wanting to have someone there for you, that will come Harmony, taking steps backwards is just going to slow down that process......
Set some future goals for yourself, things that are important and make them happen Harmony.......You want kids someday, the first step to that is finding someone who you love and want to build that family with.....that's in the future Harmony, not in the past..........

REMEMBER, AFFAIREES AFFAIR DOWN. That means, that as much as your WH has done to you, he is BETTER than OM. Think about it THAT way for a second and give your head a shake.

YOU WOULDN'T sleep with a MARRIED man? Oh, so you have SOME morals? You have certain rules and lines that you WOULDN'T cross? When you first got married, did you think that it was okay to have SF with other people? When you said your vows, were you crossing your fingers at the "forsaking all others" part? Did you NOT mean them? I am CERTAIN that you NEVER thought you would do what you did, but you did.

You contacted OM because it made you feel GOOD. Affairs are like DRUGS and they can make you feel good, for a WHILE. And then they make you feel BAD.

You awoke your AFFAIR. You are an ACTIVE wayward. I am ANGRY about that. I am MAD at YOU for CHOOSING to become wayward AGAIN. Especially after you have felt the pain it causes. It is like a slap in the face to all of the people who have been trying to help you.

t/j Seeking, I CAN be mean. I HAVE posted some things that were mean. I was choosing not to post some hurtful things to Harmony. I am PASSIONATE about things. When I see something that I don't agree with, I tell people. When something goes against my moral code, I SPEAK UP. It is just who I am. end t/j

This statement is true....sigh....

I'm not worried about what you've done. Can't change it now!

Come here BEFORE these thoughts turn into actions and ask for help. HDD will cause you, and others, pain every time.
(HDD = Honesty Deficit Disorder)

What I want to know is, what are you doing to insure No Contact from this moment on?

Would you list out the specific steps you are taking to stay N/C?

EXACTLY...

WHAT'S YOUR PLAN?????


I am encouraged that you came back here and told on yourself honestly...knowing you'd take some hits. Even Seeking Balance had contact with her OM after she started posting here but she kept it a secret on this board. So I'm glad you feel safe enough to be honest with us. THAT is a sign of someone wanting to change and trusting that the people here actually have your back (and we'll hit it when we think you need it).

Please understand that you are going to feel a little better for a few days because you just got your fix of OM and HERE we are talking about OM. You've got to move on from that once a plan is in place for later this week/month as withdrawal kicks in again. OM is irrelevant to your life. The sooner you cut him out the sooner you can get him out of your mind and you can begin again...to live the rest of your life OM free regardless of the outcome in your marriage. OM is toxic to your soul.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Maybe it is too hard to think about a future without your BH or OM or whomever.....forever is a long time.

For right now, do it today.

Find something to occupy your thoughts today...right now.
Find someone who needs your help.
Find a challenging work problem.
Start a new project.
Exercise.
Pray/meditate.
Take a warm bath or hot shower

Just today don't think about BH, OM or any man for that matter. Think about Harmony.

Don't worry about plan B, biological clocks, 2 X4's...just be.
You can't fix your BH, you can't fix your OM, but you can fix you.

(t/j) MrW, where in the world did you get the idea that I was in contact with OM after I started posting here? Such an odd thing to say.(t/j)

Good post!

It's not a big deal. You ARE in "no contact" now, correct?

Shortly after you started posting here, someone who posts at another infidelity website AND this one emailed me your posts as H__19__ at that board. As I recall, such posts indicated you had made one or more contacts with your OM after you started posting here and claiming you were in no contact. I could be wrong???? I kept my mouth shut about it as I saw you were making progress. "No Contact" is tough. My wife did the "closure contact" thing as well. It's not the end of the world but the beginning of the NEXT commitment to "no contact". All I was trying to tell the posters herein is that I am encouraged by her being completely honest and trusting of us here as such honesty is extremely difficult.

My wife and I are actually encouraged seeing you hand out advice to betrayed husbands. It was very helpful to my wife as she worked through her issues and coming to terms with what she had done way back in 2005. Eventually she came to understand how we handle things around here and even participates in the strong stance against adultery undertaken herein. We hope you realize that MB was very effective in redirecting your energies and "feelings" (upset) towards us and away from OM and yourself. We gave you a diversion and a healthy outlet that you desperately needed last spring/early summer. Though it may not have felt that way at the time or now...we were your families "safe place".

Any questions about this or anything else you'd like to address...my wife and I share the email address in my sig line. Wish you well.

Mr. W

p.s. - If I am mistaken...I apologize in advance

I think you can say I DID feel safe to come here and be honest. I don't any longer. I knew I would get 2 x 4's, ofcourse thats why I did it. There is no point me being here and not being honest, thats even more of a waste of peoples time. I did and still people have my back. I know people feel let down and I am annoyed at myself, but I can do this, and do know better.

What I did not know is that I would get people being MEAN, laughing at my situation, taunting me and creating new threads ranting about what has happened. I am not really in the right emotional place at the moment for that kind of treatment.

I really would like to thank all those you who have been supportive though the OM situation, by giving 2 x 4s but making some positive suggestions. I really mean that. I will have a think about steps to ensure no contact.

Princessmeggy what you said rang really true, that I would never get involved with a married man so what does that make OM.

Thanks all

Harmony

Harmony, I was thinking over this last night and this morning, and what I didn't mention is right in line with what Mr. W brought up - you DID come here and post honestly about contacting the OM, and that's a big positive.

Please think long and hard, come up with some plans, and keep posting.

Unfortunately...sticking around here in a place you'll be held accountable for breaking "no contact" and made to feel (TEMPORARY) shame for doing so is one of the BEST STEPS you can take. The MORE you engage here the more motivated to NOT do what your brain will try trick you into doing (contact with OM) you'll be.

Realize you are in a sea of posters all at differing stages in this extremely difficult process. It's an anonymous public forum and anyone can lash out at you for just about anything. What you did was wrong. Was it a mistake or is it truly your character? We (collectively) are challenging you to DO BETTER TODAY and promising you that better days will follow.

I'll see if I can link in my wife's thread from 2005 where she took it on the head for "closure contact". She stuck it out and so can you.

Mr. W

2005 Pep ~~~> <~~~ Mrs Wondering

2010 Pep ~~~> <~~~ Mrs Wondering