My wife and I have been together for 10yrs. Ups and downs.

I filed for divorce 17 months ago because my wife was in and out of our home. When she was in the home she treated me so poorly that weekly I would go stay in a hotel for a night or two. No matter what I did nothing was good enough. She was unwilling to work on our marriage.

There was no infidelity that I know of at this point. Within two weeks of filing for the divorce, I felt I had made a mistake and started reaching back out to her. She blamed me for not being committed to her and filing for the divorce and said she didn't love me like that anymore and shortly after she quit her job (career job) and moved out of state to live with another man. I continued reaching out. It was extremely hard knowing she was living with another man.

Two months later she moved back into our home with the mutual expectation that she would move back in to work on our friendship and see how it goes, but wanted her space. I didn't pressure her. I wasn't stupid. I knew she was still involved with this other man and I was competing.

She wanted me out of the house after a couple of weeks, I didn't think it was a good idea (mistake) and just kept giving and giving. She was cold and distant and did not give at all to the relationship because she said I was not meeting her need of me moving out of the home. She would come and go for days, her lover came to town to visit 3 times I know of. I just kept the course of giving my all. There was approximately 30 nights I stayed in hotels because she treated me so poorly. I just kept giving and giving. This was so emotionally draining. She would blame and shame me, stating that everything was the way it was because I would not move out of the house.

After 10 months of this she said she wanted the divorce because I would not move out of the home, not admitting she was having an affair. We went to a preliminary divorce court hearing and after that she moved out of state where this other man lived. I did not call or contact her in any way. Two months later she calls me.

Present day:
She has moved in with her mother in our town. She says she doesn't want any contact with this other man. She is pregnant by him. I am hurt but supportive of her. She said she loves me and wants our marriage to last but wants me to move out of the home until she feels safe. I ask what that means and she says everything has had to be my way (meaning I did not move out of the house the first time she moved back in from her lovers home) and says she needs to live on her own until she feels comfortable that I will not change her life again by leaving her side (loyalty), and her having to change her life and move out of the home.

I expressed that before we make that decision we should go to counseling. She is unwilling. She is stuck on the living situation and is unable to move forward by giving at all to the relationship. She just tries to blame and shame me for filing for the divorce in the first place and not moving out when she first moved back. She is extremely nasty to me. She says I don't care about her and her living situation and if I loved her I would move out of the home.
Could someone please give me some advice good or bad. I am exhausted physically and emotionally.

How old are the two of you? Do you have any children together?

People don't work on their M by living apart. Anytime you hear a wayward caveat that they "need their space" or "need to feel safe" or "everything has to be your way" it's probable that they are still in the affair in some way. She is either 'spatting' with the OM or is cake-eating and keeping both of you on the hook.

I wouldn't believe her for a second if she says she's no longer with OM.

It sounds like you want to keep your M.It's going to be a tough road now that there's an OC in the picture and it's going to require a lot of work on the part of both you and your WW. Sounds like she's not interested in the 'work' portion of the program yet.

Are you familiar with Plan B? Read about that on this site. It sounds like you've been in Plan A/Plan Hope for awhile. I think it's time to move to Plan B. If you DO want to save your M. Actually, Plan D isn't looking too bad for your sitch right now.

Whatever you do: DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THAT HOUSE.

BTW, welcome to MB. Sorry you've had to join us, but hopefully we can help you.

This is a WW that has come back to town to get your house and move the OM in. Probably will seek alimony and CS.

If you move out of the house for any reason you will be screwing yourself legally.

Get a lawyer. Have him push through the divorce.

There is a whole lifetime to reconcile with your WW after the divorce and OC is born. Tell her so.

She is only out to get her hands on as much of your money as she can because the OM has none or won't support her.

early 40's, each children from previous marriage but not together

How old are the kids? How did she meet OM? Did/do they work together?

hers are grown, mine are teens and live with their mother.
OM lives 1000 miles away. They grew up together

If you want to repair your marriage then you both need to move in together and she needs to have NO CONTACT with any men!

You need to have a solid plan A for 3 weeks, if she still is contacting the OM then go straight to plan B.

Have you exposed the affair? If not, then that would be your first step on repairing this marriage.

Do not move out!!! Don't let her manipulate you out of the home. It does not sound like she is serious about recovery but is just telling you what you want to hear in order to get you out.

Jet,

My advise probably has a lot to do with where I am personally right now.

I'm with Maritalbliss I think she's spot on.

Your WW is just trying to use you to get back in that house, looking for a place to have that baby,

Odds of you restoring your marriage are long and you are in a great place right now to push that divorce thru. Have to agree, you have a life time to reconnect with each other, all you will do if you let her back in the house is loose time, momentum and money. It would be way better to have an exit plan then look for a recovery if the WW is sincere.

Oh and welcome aboard

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!!

In my humble opinion the only reason she has moved back, this time and the time before was to get the house from you. Does not look like she had any intention of recovering.

If you move out I will take bets that the OM will move right in.

Get your ducks lined up legally.

If you want to recover your marriage and can live with raising a child that is not yours and perhaps OM never leaving your life, then please read up on this site and get a plan.

Read all you can and order the books suggested to you anyway, you can recover yourself with MB even if you do not recover your marriage.

Best wishes and welcome to Marriage Builders.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

They need to know. Have you told them?

I agree with everything you are saying. My gut instinct has been to not move out. Her view is different. Everyone please help me with more insight?????????

1. She says I filed for the divorce and she feels she had a right to move on (two weeks after I filed she had this new man) so she doesn't feel it was an affair. (I do not argue)

2. She feels since I filed, I abandoned her and displaced her from our home.

3. She feels she came back to the home the first time and if I loved her I should have moved out to give her the space she needed (code for involved with OM)

4. Now that she is living with her mother she is so nasty and says I don't care about her or love her because I get to live in the big house and says I have everything I need and says I am comfortable and says I don't care that she is uncomfortable, that she is not in her home. Says that if I was a real man I would care about her not having a home.

5. She says she cannot live in the same home together because she doesn't trust that I won't decide to disrupt her life again. (After all this why would I want to if she is serious about reconciling)

Everything she is saying is wayward-speak. Listen to NONE of that.

J4me2f,

Who actually owns the house, if it was yours pre-marriage do not let her back under any circumstances. It is so likely that the affair has been going on for a LONG time.

God Bless
Gamma

Sorry man, but if you think that relationship with the OM started up in only two weeks, I've got a bridge to sell you. That A has likely been going on a lot longer, and she's now trying to get as much out of you as she can (financially and otherwise) before your M ends.

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME!

Your WW is bullying you. It's that simple. She wants to live in the house. She wants you out so she can have the luxury of living without you and pursuing her OM. AND she gets to claim that you moved out (= abandoned the family.)

Are you supporting her financially right now? Does she have access to your money?

I agree with the advice you have been given

I was a WW .... JUST like your wife is right now.

A WW is selfish
A WW only lies when she speaks or thinks, or is awake... when she is asleep she isn't a liar... just plans to be one
A WW is oblivious to anyone else she hurts ... even her children

From my perspective as a FWW ...
1. She says I filed for the divorce and she feels she had a right to move on (two weeks after I filed she had this new man) so she doesn't feel it was an affair. (I do not argue
..... RUBBISH ... from your description of her actions for some time before this I would make a fortune if I could bet on her being involved with OM or even perhaps other OM's for some time. Cheating is CHEATING!!!

2. She feels since I filed, I abandoned her and displaced her from our home.
I may have not read correctly but did you ever ask her to leave? ever say she had to move out? I thought you offered counseling and working on the M???? Classic history renovation to support WW selfish position

3. She feels she came back to the home the first time and if I loved her I should have moved out to give her the space she needed (code for involved with OM)
your code interpretation is SPOT ON!!

4. Now that she is living with her mother she is so nasty and says I don't care about her or love her because I get to live in the big house and says I have everything I need and says I am comfortable and says I don't care that she is uncomfortable, that she is not in her home. Says that if I was a real man I would care about her not having a home.
In other words, because I cheated and have got preggoes by OM who now cannot support me ...then YOU should give me the house... the car ... savings..... pay all debts.... and by the way... whats in your wallet as well and why have you still got a short on your back??? Its only a suggestion but I don't think you should buy into this rubbish either


5. She says she cannot live in the same home together because she doesn't trust that I won't decide to disrupt her life again. (After all this why would I want to if she is serious about reconciling)
If she was serious she would in fact WANT you be with her to work on the M..... this is again WW rubbish

I would also not trust any 'sudden' turn around right at the moment.... her words .. her actions ... do not indicate any remorse or shame .... you cannot trust the WW enemy she has become right now.

Do not move out
DO consider plan B if you are convinced after reading here that you have done well at plan A ..... read up on these and see if you think you have done as well as you can on plan A ...... if not try to plan A even if she is living with her Mum for the next few weeks... maybe to New Year if you last that long then a sudden dark total plan B.

If sadly you feel she has burned all her bridges with you .. well I guess you will then need to consider what you want next.

remember this fact .... she CHOSE to have an affair.... she will need to face the consequences. M recovery may be possible but not on these terms or anything like them

How did you meet this woman? Did you meet her before you were divorced? Was she divorced when you met her?

My advice? Let her reap the consequences of what she�s sown and bail and never look back.

She is pregnant with another man�s child? Why do you want to deal with that? Don�t you think OM will not want to be involved? Odds are very high he doesn�t know.

Seriously, bail. Let this woman flounder on her own for what she�s done.

My advice to you? Move in close to your kids and worry about them instead of raising the child of another man that is the result of adultery.

Be a father. Quit trying to salvage something with someone who isn�t worth it when you have kids that need you in their life. So you won�t take care of your own kids or be near them but you�ll take on the baby of a man your wife cheated on you with?

Where are your priorities?