about a year ago my wife started checking out. i couldn't figure out what was going on but i thought it was stress from work / biological clock ticking. i had no clue that she was upset with me but about 6 weeks ago she told me that she wanted a divorce. since then i did the panic / clingy / follow her around like a dog thing. followed by the sleeping in the guest room thing and now i'm staying at friend's houses trying to give her space. i haven't talked to her since Tuesday and i'm trying to give her all the space that i can. she works a ton during the week so the weekend is probably the only time she has to think so i was thinking about contacting her tonight to see how she is doing.

my question for you guys is how long should i go without initiating any contact? i'm going home during the day during the week while she is at work so i am at least able to do things around the house and be productive. acts of service is her primary love language so doing things around the house is the only way i can try to restore her love bank. i want her to not be put off by me so i want to let her initiate contact but i don't want to leave her feeling abandoned. should i contact her?

Go home. I hate say this but your W is having an affair. You can not meet each others EN apart.

I am sorry you are here but welcome to MB. With it being a weekend it will be slow. For now if you haven't read the concepts then do so and gett the book ,"Surviving an Affair" and read it.

YOu need to go home and do it immediately. You also need to snoop and find out what your W is up to.

she swears that she isn't and i believe her. i have asked if there is a physical or emotional connection with anyone and she says no. she is practically incapable of lying so i believe her to be telling me the truth. the problem is that she has been regretting not getting to spend time after college "figuring out who she is" and i think that being alone to her is "the other man" she doesn't have to be having an affair with a person to be fantasizing about what life would be like on her own.

last week she was open to reading about "healing seperation" and i got a book by chapman called "hope for the seperated" which she has started reading. i am optimistic that with time she will be ready to come back from her withdrawn state. my worry is that leaving her alone might make her feel abandoned. i just don't want to initiate contact and seem pushy.

another reason why i don't think she is cheating is that she has recently started going back to church and one of the things that she is upset about in our relationship is the fact that i am agnostic. i don't think she would be seeking out faith and judging me for not having it if she were cheating.

I would still check up on her. People who cheat will say they are not cheating and do everything to cover it up and they will even say God wants them to be with the OP because He wants them to be happy. The first thing you should do though is MOVE BACK HOME. You cannot work on your marriage if you are not there! I hope I am wrong about her having an affair.

well i have to give her space. i have been a neurotic mess and can't keep myself from smothering her with wanting to talk about stuff... she is super stressed and can't think with me being like that. all it was doing was pushing her away i am sure.

i texted her earlier (first contact since tuesday) and asked if she would like to make dinner with me tonight since that it was we have been doing on sunday nights. she said that she was at work and wouldn't have time to shop for stuff so i suggested that i could go get us dinner and come over to pass out candy to the trick or treaters. she said that was fine but a while later texted me back saying that that was probably a bad idea. i said "whatever you need" and she said for me to stay away but that she would text me if she changed her mind.

she is really worried about sending mixed messages so i think maybe that was her concern. i don't know if she is willing to work on saving the marriage but the fact that she is reading the book on hope for the separated can't be bad.

One move back home. You are making it too easy for your WW to have an affair. Your story has been told before. The BH in denial.

As you read here you will learn how to snoop. Then discover your WW is doing some OM.

As to giving your WW space. Fine let her sleep on the sofa. let her eat her diner in another room. She needs space that bad let her find it.

Move back home because you are losing legal advantage if a divorce is to come.

but what if she is not having an affair? it is possible that she isn't. i know that i am driving her away by being around her and acting like a broken man.

we went to counseling for 2 weeks and after the 2nd time she wouldn't go back. she said that she was sick of having to "defend herself" which really made no sense because i was owning all of the problems that we were having as my fault. after that session i went to the next one by myself and the counselor said i had to back way off because every move i was making was just pushing her farther away.

i don't know what to do.

Ttown, you have to move back home. Please listen to us. You have done nothing wrong. If she wants her space then she has to leave not you. We here have seen it all and heard it all. There is a good chance that she is having an affair or at least on the way to having one and you are making it easier for her to do it. Move back home.

Most WW's don't throw out their H unless they have a new man lined up.

Hiding a digital voice activated recorder in the house near the phone and one in her car.

Check cell phone bill. Is there a lot of phone calls/texts to one number?

Get a GPS that provides realtime location and hide in her car. Some say an inexpensive cell phone with GPS feature is the lowest cost way.

Edit to add move back home tonight.

she didn't ask me to move out she just needed space and my sister suggested it(she is a social worker). she has definitely been in the process of separating from me for a long time and if she found someone else that is because she felt like i wasn't meeting her needs. if she has had an affair that doesn't make me angry at her but at me for failing her.

the distance between her has been her defense mechanism preparing her for a split. i realize that now but i have to understand how to work my way back into her heart and show her that i can be an asset to her rather than a burden. i still come home every day while she is at work so that i can do things around the house and let her know when she gets home that i was there and was thinking of her. but other than that the counselor told me i need to back way off and give her a chance to process everything and that's what i'm trying to do. could be the wrong thing but i'm too emotional to be around her and keep my stuff together so i think i need to stay back and keep it together.

some background that i guess i didn't provide. we have been married 10 years w/ no kids i have worked from home for the past 4 years. she works long hours in a very demanding job.

i have a recently diagnosed social anxiety disorder that is being treated (and making a world of difference)

Give her space for awhile. For at least 3 weeks in my opinion. If you don't, the odds are that she's going to push you even further.

Your wife emotionally split from you probably months or even years before you even had a clue.

The biggest problem is that you still don't have a clue. And the answer to your problems isn't acting desperate.

I agree with the others; your wife is more than likely having an affair. I would recommend that you have your thread moved to the Surviving an Affair forum. Click on notify, and request that your thread be moved there asap. There are a lot of experienced vets on that board that will help give you a plan to restore your marriage if you choose to do so.

In the meantime...DO move back into your home as quickly as possible. Read up on this site about Plan A and Plan B.

Sorry you are here.