so a few good days with ws. except for the same horse sh*t. met with our mentor couple from church-ws sat there and LIED aobut how great HE is and how I suck....hard to take, so i jumped up, got all emotional, and it was hard. later, we "made up" and continued to talk and also talked on wed evening a lot.
BUT last night, i asked him very civilly to put his blackberry and new droid phone down for friday evening and engage with his family(he had asked why the older kids hated him and i said they wanted to spend time with him and get his attention) he got very defensive and said "this is my job" i calmly suggested that he could put the phones on ring and if he hears them respond. at this point, he's got his blackberry in hand, we are on the bed, i said, log on and show me what's on it...he did, then i grabbed it, AND RAN. oh my, my hubby is a big ex-football player, i don't think he's EVER moved that fast! i ran into a bathroom by our office and locked it(didn't know you had to double click the lock) so he forced his way in pretty quickly(i'm 5 8, 170lbs, so not little but couldn't withstand his shoving) so he kind of wrestled me for the phone. boy, was i angry. he said it's the principle of the thing-that i should just TRUST him. i said i'm onto you buddy. i would like you to leave tomorrow. he said nope. we talked two more times. he retreated to bedroom and at one point i went in and said, there is no room for 3 people in this marriage. this has to stop. he vehemently denies, tells me i have trust issues, it's all my fault blah blah blah. later he told me he couldn't stand me and that he didn't want to be around me anymore. okay
i am going to plan D. the p i called today-wed ws came home early said he was at dr's appt but p i said he was somewhere else. full report tomorrow when i go out and about christmas shopping.
so, for me, ws has NO intention of changing anything and his pride and hatefulness towards me are too much. he is NOT going to change, just playing me to get through the holidays.
i found most excellent attorney and spent much of last night up pondering. God opened a couple of doors in the last two day and I am grateful for His faithfulness.
for me, being married to a cheat and a liar, well mine isn't one of those keepers-he has been an emotionally absent, emotionally abusive guy for 23years. the last two months have been a rollercoaster but i have learned things about ME and have been working to change them. I also will not have regret going forward with D. i also am starting to ponder if ws hasn't been a closet cheater for years(he travelled tons and for years, lived mon-friday in another city) ?????
you are ALL WONDERFUL and i am so grateful for the support i have received her. if there is some miracle, i will return, but for right now, i am on course to start the beginning of the end.
i am having surgery next monday so hoping to feel good by later in week and meet with atty.
blessings for strength, love and courage to all who sadly find themselves here. i hope it works out for you!

Your 'Taker' is mad. Peeved to the max.

Why don't you go to plan B and just go dark as you head towards a D.

Let me tell you this. Plan B, once you get over the initial angst is the place to get peace of mind.

You are in a big drama right now and plan B is an escape from that drama.

You will need strength no matter whether you plan B or plan B while you D or just D. You will need to work through it all and redefine yourself as you have started to do.

If you drop the MB plans now and get a D, you will have a lot of interactions with your wayward spouse that fuels more drama. It won't be as pleasant for you.It won't make him see his errors as a man either . It will be constant dueling spouses/exspouses.

but how do i get him to leave the home? he refuses! he borrowed money from our closest friend(several thousand) so i know he has it, and he said the other day, "i have the money to move out but i want to work on this"
i am so ready for him to go-how do i get that to happen?


thank you reading, for the encouragement. actually had a wonderful day with my kids(the ones not in school, went out to lunch, bought myself two yummy new bras). now, his possible homecoming is setting in...and i am getting emotional. will try and stay busy and happy

ps should i file for separation INSTEAD of D? a little confused but ws took the $(his paycheck) and now has it direct deposited in his own account. then he electronically moves money to me for each pay period for living expenses. i have sat here with him twice in last 4 weeks and watched him write out the bills, but if he leaves i am afraid he's going to scr*w me...

GET AN ATTORNEY.

I was nice to ws last night, very briefly. he asked why. i said because i love you.

this am, went into our bedroom(i sleep on couch) we chatted briefly, short story shorter-he is moving out on thursday, just left to go get lease. he said i' have to live on less a month(hard to do with 5 kids to feed!) he said he was advised not to tell me where he's going to be living? i held up well. he said after the "incident" on wed night(him chasing me with his phone) that he did not know feel safe, emotionally or physically, HA! he said he would be willing to see me at a counseling session or with our mentor couple(sounds like he wants to go DARK) so....
please advise, i am going to remain unemotional(no crying at least in fromt of him till he goes) i have surgery on monday, which he will not be a part of. i will have at least a day or two or recovery, then plan on attorney thurs or friday, probably friday as i would want to be here when he's leaving. he wants bedroom suit and tv in bedroom. he said he's not moving in with a woman! he said that .
ok, now what? i have to what? file for separation? divorce? i don't meant to sound dumb and i have read saa, but i need specifics. so we both go dark, and how does that save our marriage? he already hates me and is absolutely leaning toward divorce. i did say, do you know how much this(d) is going to hurt our children? he said yes, it's really hard. i could cry....
ok thanks, i am having company for lunch, a christian mission couple i sponsor who happen to be in the area-he probably won't want to sit down and lunch with us!

Is there a link to Plan B? what it entails exactly? sounds like my ws wants his own plan B-is that typical? i am thinking maybe 30-60 days plan B, then plan D. Will ask attorney....

The book Surviving An Affair describes plan B best but there is a little blurb about it here
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

there is much more to it though. Do you have the book? ( didn't go back through the thread to see if you do) The book is critical to the plan.

You plan A until you go to plan B
You have a gorgeous love letter, plan B letter you give as you go to it
and
go dark to him

go through angst in your own withdrawal from the relationship
and
find peace
and
perhaps a spouse who is willing to re-commit to the marriage, perhaps not
only time will tell. Lots and lots of time.



By the way, his appearing to plan B you is not unusual. He will need to go in hiding to hide the affair still. He will ramp up his affair and try to make that relationship work as he leaves the marriage and family. It won't be as much fun as when he had two woman lovin' on him!

links to plan b love letters? so i can give him that as he packs his crap up and uhauls my 4000 bed(waahhhh) away to his loveshack?
thanks reading!
ps sadly, no matter what i say, i am wrong, so i am hardly speaking to him. he is soo p*ssed of at me that he is finally getting his way and leaving us..

some crazy stuff...
ws asked me when and what "we" want to tell the kids. i sat on the floor by our bed on two pillows, had a heart to heart, he cried, told me how he didn't want to do this(move out) how devastated he is, how there IS NO OTHER WOMAN, why don't i like him? on and on...
i don't think i had one LB! then he says, i just don't get you...after thursday(when he chased me after his phone). i said, i have moved on from that...
he is sooo confused- i kinda like it(where's the big cheesy smiley face?)

1) Do a legal separation.

2) Once that is done, and he is out of the house, go down and file for assistance.

Do what you have to do to see you and your kids through a Dark Plan B.

You are starting to see the cracks, now smash the SOB, and free him from this evil, vindictive alien inhabiting his body!

Plan B letter from SAA.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2421094#Post2421094

Mom, why is he taking the bed? He should only be taking his personal property until there is a legal separation of the marital property. I was asked once, when I thought that my WH was going to take the bed, why OW would want to sleep on OUR bed? I answered with, "She has no problem sleeping with my husband, she obviously doesn't care where she sleeps." I then remembered that we had a warranty on the bed. I figured they may try to exchange it for a new one. So, I wrote "Scotty loves WH 4ever" in black marker on the mattress and cut a small hole in it. WH didn't take it though, because I had packed up his things and put them on the porch.

I have not discovered concrete evidence of a, so write plan b letter without reference to it?

scotland, we have a beautiful new home-he claims it's the only thing he wants(bedroom suite) bed is massive, french and (laughing to self) feminine in a grande, dark wood carved kind of way. i think it is funny that my huber masculine ws wants it! also the thought of him wanting to bed someone else in it after all of the "memories" i am ok with it.

having surgery monday, wanting to see attorney by wednesday. will most likely file for legal separation.

thank you all! i need support and continued suggestions.

Didn't he take pictures of the furniture? Possibly she picked it.

I would call and get a restraining order after his physically handling of you.

Let them know your afraid. He can't come on premises and take the bed.

so when ws went walking this a.m. i found deposit to new swanky apartment(indoor AND outdoor pool, gym etcetc) i am always shaken when i uncover new info...
so ws comes home, we talk in bedroom. i am sweet, dressed for church, gorgeous (wink) and accomodating to him talking. he gets on bed, shows me that he has been up most of night looking up "mid life crisis(which i suggested) and depression. i said, "i never said you were depressed". so he doesn't think it's a mid-life, i just act all agreeable. then he says, "DO YOU LOVE ME?" i say "of course". he says, "I don't want to move out. this is so hard on me etc etc". i had woken up at 5am, sat in the still of our home by the Christmas tree, thinking and praying, I had emailed him a sort of plan b letter, telling him i love him, i want nothing more than our marriage to heal, that if he must move out, he must, that i wouldn't tolerate sin that would damage our lives, that i am going forward in my life, working on me, etc. but he had not read it.
he began to cry hard(um, almost never cries, at the birth of our kids, that's about it) he said, ' i am so empty inside". i said, "this is about God AND you". he says, "are you going to love me? are we going to have fights like the other night(the phone chasing incident) i said, 'I love you but we are going to fight, i am an imperfect human etc". he said, "you are so beautiful, i was watching you last night at toyrus(we took kiddies to check things out, verify lists) and you are just so beautiful. i said, "i'm great in bed too!" we smiled....he wants all of this reassurance. i said, in a month will you be saying you want out? he doesn't say anything...
so....fellow sufferers, is the guy getting a conscience? is he just afraid of being alone? what? what?
i went to church with my 20yr old, lunch at cafe, bought myself a yummy little jacket at a boutique, grabbed a couple of gifts for our little son at specialty toy store. ws was home, we texted and i requested him to start pork chop meal-he did it all! fed the little ones.
now he's napping. i am at peace. i am continuing with the tracker, that is a HUGE comfort. AND last night, ws said i could look at his blackberry? o, ok, after you ran thru the house four nights ago to get a hold of it?
typical wayward behavior before they leave? do i encourage leaving?
what's it all mean?

I suspect he is going to move out and is trying to make it as easy and guilt-free as possible. The deposit on the apartment pretty much seals the deal on that part. What you witnessed was your 'real' husband under all that entitlement, tugging at his wayward side.

I think this can be a good thing if you can do a bang-up Plan B. I think you've got the right stuff to pull it off.

stick to plan b

thanks my darling supporters
today, i had my bladder repair surgery(from having babies...) and i initially didn't want ws there, well he took me(said I need to be wtih my wife) and i told him he could leave when our 22yr old daughter got there after taking little bro to school. dd showed up, ws stayed the whole time...we talked some, he told me several times how much he loves me. also, still non-commitall although he keeps saying he doesn't want to move out. i say nothing. dd left to deal with other 4 kids for dinner etc.
in a lot of pain from saddle block, surgery and they sent me home all week with a catheter due to lacerations in my bladder(TMI-sorry) ws has been emptying my "bag"(tmi sorry) as i can't lean down to get it-it's on my calf. we played scrabble in bed, with christmas tree lit, we talked a bit, ate some m & ms...he tells me how beautiful i am(what a mess after a no hair wash, no make up surgery day!) i smile and say thank you. we started to doze off, him rubbing my hair, my hand on his hand...aaaahhhh bliss......NOT
i cried so much today(blamed it on the surgery) he didn't question it-i am one of those tough azz women, who delivers the 10lb baby, comes home, puts baby in bassinet, goes on with life. so this is atypical of me to want babied-but i am milking it and he keeps saying "i want to do these things for my wife". i am also horribly heartbroken still and vulnerable-the tears are coming no matter my bladder(hey, that rhymes!)
so, we shall see...hoping thursday comes fast enough for me(and my bladder)
thank you so very much!

ws was up at 4:30 for conference call-"she" was in outher country, voice is whiny and she's very controlling and bossy-so isn't that what he wanted to escape?
he had to shower with me and help with my catheter bag-was very nice and patiently dressed me, etc.
he said he wanted to get on the road(35minute ride to work) to do "soul searching". okay.
i hope he searches right to the kroger to get some boxes for his stuff. i am ready for it-if he's going to go, i really want it to be right now before my birthday, son's birthday and jesus birthday-lonely, dark, no holiday cheer. he can be the GRINCH alone!
i did not get flowers yesterday from ws. but sadly he sent them to one of his male co-workers who had a pacemaker put in a few weeks ago. so thoughtful enough for others but not for me(i know, he spent the day and night taking care of me but it still hurt me very much that he has NO intention of doing anything romantic/special for me anymore)-my two older sons(15 and 20) had this gorgeous bouquet of 2 dozen pink(my fave) and creme roses, cut too short! was soo touching and they were so proud of themselves when i came home from hospital. my best friend and her hub sent flowers card said "with unconditional love" as i told her i only wanted people around me who loved me unconditionally. felt so sex 'n the city when i read it
ws claims he has to pay deposit wed. paid 200 on sat, signed papers, seemed to still think he may be able to get out of lease? even joked about putting our 22yr old up there for the next six months. i had said, "you take 3, I'll take ". it also hurt that he got a 6 month lease and not a 3(said it was cheaper) whatever. i am crossing fingers he goes. ready for plan b, for ME, for some peace, for some of my own soul-searching.

I think a good dose of Plan B is just the right medicine.
Who knows what is going on in a WW's mind?

It certainly sounds like he is conflicted. But that does not mean he is conflicted over the right things. What if he is worried about what type of cake he wants to eat?

I think PB will give you at least some rest from this emotional misery you have been going through at his hands.

I hope you feel better soon.