I posted for a few months earlier this year when I was trying to save my marriage. Didn't work. We are in the middle of a messy divorce battle. I was a stay at home dad for 4 years. My wife had affairs, put us in massive debt and now I'm here. I was forced to take a job out of state after looking for six months. Hardest thing I ever had to do was leave my kids, but I was in a real bad situation. No job, my wife in an open affair and she was manipulative and just plain mean. Hitting, no regard for the kids...nothing. Now that I left, she is using the kids as leverage. I call every night, but she monitors the calls, hangs up on me and sometimes two weeks go by before I can speak with them.


She hounds me all day long with texts and email and just berates me for "abandoning" my kids and what a loser I am blah blah blah. I left for two reason. 1. I needed to work. 2. Because the enviornment the kids were exposed to was awful. The attorneys are hammering it out, but she pays no attention to the law or rules and there seems little that can be done. I do not respond at all to any of her comments and e-mails, it would only make things worse and I reaally have nothing to say to her. I just don't get the using of the kids.

Remember the name not the details. But you have made yourself the poster child for "The BH is to Never Move out of the Home"

Countless times It has been said that if a BH moves out they lose the home, custody, have to pay CS, alimony.

The way you chose to move out you chose to move away.

You jumped from the pan to the fire. But not before you made the fire even larger.

Without even looking at your back posts I'm going to guess your the BH that never wanted to do what he was told but only came here to seek approval at what you wanted to do.

I think you have made a mess that only lawyers can handle now. I hope I'm wrong but maybe some one smarter then me can see a strategy.

I'm with TheRoad, the environment you created by leaving is going to be seriously detrimental to both you and the kids. You gave her all the control by leaving (and getting a job). As the stay at home dad who gave up career for the kids, you were in an incredibly powerful position as the primary care giver.

I hope you get this sorted out fairly; maybe someone else will have some better advice. Best of luck!

Travis

If only it was that simple. I was out of work for 8 months and we had a court order having us split time in the house. I ran out of money. I would like to say money doesn't matter, but if you don't have it, you are at a severe disadvantage. Joint custody was the best I could hope for and I tried for a long time to get it. Unfortunatly, I have a judge who is not with the times and frowns on men being at home. One thing I found about the law is they really don't care about what happened, you have to show that the other person is a crack head before they even consider giving you custody. I went to the Marriage builders site, took the counceling sessions and followed the advice....to no avail. She racked up massive debt that I am partially responsible for, I had no job and she held the cards. I am not looking for sympathy, but without knowing all the facts you should not pass judgement.

It's not passing judgement the way I'm reading it. It's just a premonition of what probably will happen in court with someone who has the real authority to pass judgement. It's also good advice. If you are still seeking advice, mine is go home now. Flip burgers if you have to. Live in a shelter or on a friend's couch if necessary and take your kids for visitation elsewhere on day trips. Just be there in their lives on a regular basis. Yes it will help you regarding custody, but more important your kids need you. They just lost the only full time parent they ever had. My kids are still suffering from the loss of their dad since he moved out of state, and he was barely there for them prior. I can't imagine how hurt your own kids must feel since you were such a big part of their lives.

Yes, you are right on when you say I need to go back. The problem was without an adaquite income, I would pay child support and have to cover my own costs...it did not add up. Unfortunatly, I had to take work where I could get it. This is temporary and I will be back to them as soon as possible. Yes, it's unfair to the kids, but without a job, the judge was not likely to allow overnight visitation and I would not be able to provide. It's a matter of reality rather than what was right. I go down once a month and get them on holidays and such. Not a good substitute, but for now, it's the best I can do. Trust me, nobody hurts more than I do right now.

Patriot...
I have to agree that seeing a lawyer now is probably the way to go. It doesn't cost anything to call around and see who will see you for a consultation and to ask about prices or sliding scale based on your income.

Also...I hate to say it, but while you're talking to the lawyer, ask how they would define parental alienation and ask if you have a case. Tell them what she's doing to prevent you access to your children.

I also have to agree that flipping burgers or taking two jobs closer to home so that you can see your children more is something you should be looking into. Even if you need more training in order to find other work, I would look into it. Your documented efforts to change your job and living arrangements in an effort to be a more present parent would matter to a judge, I would think.

Is there a custody agreement now?

I understand what everyone is saying in regards to "flipping burgers" and taking a job closer to my kids, but it's not reality. Trust me, this was the most difficult decission I have ever had to make. It's easy to say "live in a homeles shelter" or sleep on a friends couch, but that is not a real option. I lived in Texas which is a community state. She burried us in debt. I paid off her debt and transfered a large part of it into my name so she would not lose her job (she needs credit to travel). Now, the state does not care that she did these things and I am stuck with her debt, in addition to the 50k I already shelled out paying off part of her debt. I, like most, thought the courts would be sympathetic and say hey, she did these things, he was home with the kids being a good dad. She traveled and spent her time away in hotels all over the country with her boyfriend while he was home being a soccer coach and school volunteer....no brainer. But guess what, they don't care about the debt, they don't care about the affairs, all they care about is the fact I did not have a full time job and she did...period. It sucks, but that's the way it is. She seems to be able to do no wrong, but I on the other hand am forced to leave.

I have a good job now that allows me to spend a weekend a month with them which is a poor substitute, but I have to get myself back on solid ground before I can be any help to them. I know it's temporary and as soon as I am able, I will transfer back to wherver they may be. Until then, I have to focus on getting my affairs in order and have a single focus and that is getting back with my kids. Ya, it sucks that I am going to lose time with them and I am having to fight just to speak with them. But again, I have to reestablish myself with work and then I will be in a position to move back into there lives. It's not an enviable position and one I never thought I would be in, but it is and I have to keep focused and remember that this is temporary. Have a single minded focus and a plan to move back into there lives. To remind them each and every day how much I care and love them and make sure they know I will return.