Harmony, I�m going to tell you this story as I think it might help you.

I posted on another site for a while. One day maybe 6-7 weeks into NC, I had a bad white knuckle moment. I remembered that you can always hit �send� but you can never hit �unsend,� posted a new SOS thread and went for a run in the 112 degreeiish heat.

The responses I got back were decisive and compelling and the moment passed.

What I realized during my run was that the trigger for wanting to break NC was the fact that my precious S19 had left or was about to leave for college � I can�t remember which one. I think I mentioned that I pre-replaced my conversational partner, S19, with OM.

It wasn�t what I was feeling that was the trigger. It was what I was avoiding feeling. I sat alone in my dining room and sobbed by myself for hours, grieving the end of that time. I�m crying right now typing about it. And I don�t cry. I'm giving myself permission to feel the feeling -- to re-grieve it. It's not a rational thing for me to be doing on November 9. But I'm not fighting it.

My point is two-fold. First, what you are avoiding feeling may be as important as what you are feeling. Second, if you ask for help to get through those moments, you will get it. Start a new thread if you need to �SOS from Harmony.� You have an entire community here who want to guard your back when you don�t feel you can do it alone.


I understand you feel like you are being mistreated. I haven't read what you are referring to, so I don't know, but I understand that is the way you feel right now. You may or may not look back on this and feel the same way.

For the time being, ignore all that. Keep your eye on the ball. You have a bunch of people, me included, (or at least I hope so!) who are not doing the things you find demeaning.

Don't get me wrong. You know I'll beat you up when I think it's necessary! I think you are doing a fine job of beating yourself up, with a little help from your friends....It's all about balance, right?

You lost your balance. You fell. Feel the pain of the fall, get back up, look yourself in the eye and decide to do better. But you can't skip the feeling the pain part -- that is what will refine your balance so you don't fall again.

Mr. W, I find the emailing posts thing a little odd, but whatever. I am keenly aware of the importance of this site in getting me through those difficult weeks, and am grateful to the owners for hosting it, and to all those who took their time to help me.

ETA: Just realized NC four months today. There was no closure contact or anything like that.

Harmony, you have to understand one thing. There are many BS's here and many of them do some serious heavy-lifting and some of them actually are in Plan B, trying to save what is there to be saved. Although they have no personal business with you, they feel betrayed by someone who does what you did.

I have walked in your shoes. Addressing your weaknesses is a good place to start over. Everyone here is ready to give you a hand, I hope you don't give up.

Hi Harmony.
You seem like a reasonable person.
I hope the following helps you ...


Of course it felt good.
He stroked your ego.




You shared personal, intimate information with a man who is not your husband.



Allow me to translate .... you made your husband look his worst, so you could look your best.


You have not earned "better".
Few of us get what we deserve.
Forget about "deserve".
Deserve is for those who feel entitled to something, often without them making any difficult effort.

OM is a putz for saying this.
You are WRONG for discussing your husband's shortcomings with OM.
How bad is that?
REALLY BAD



Spoken like a true putz.



Stroking your ego.
Making you feel like you "deserve" some magical love which will require no effort on your part.

PUTZ



Not enough, apparently.



Look in the mirror Harmony.
Everything OM is, you see reflected in a mirror.
Do not trust yourself.


He strokes your ego.
He encourages you to feel entitled and deserving.
He offers nothing to help you improve your OWN core values and moral compass.

He helps you demonize your HUSBAND.
Which takes the focus off of your culpability.
Some "friend".
PUTZY OM




Because he lacks boundaries of propriety, as do you.

Well?

Yes, that's the one.
Thanks.

Harmony, how many women friends do you have right now?

I never hear that you are confiding in your women friends, this is available to you at any time instead of these creepy cheatermen.

Next, you will tell us that you are divorcing your husband and marrying the other man. I hope you will not come back and tell us this.

You have a problem with men and your boundaries. If you do not cure your underlying "men weaknesses", you will never be able to have a good marriage or children or anything you want.

It is up to you how you want to live your life.

1. You can have bad relationships with bad men with your bad boundaries, and date and marry bad men. If you have children with these men the kids will suffer.

2. You can get to the root of your "man issues" and change yourself. You can get comfortable being without men and having women friends. You can then divorce this husband if he is the kind of man I think he is. Then you can wait a year and start dating carefully looking for a quality man who would never cheat. You will meet a good man IF YOU YOURSELF ARE GOOD AND HAVE WORKED OUT YOUR ISSUES. Carefully date him, observe him, and then marry him if it is right.

Then and only then can you have the marriage and family of your dreams.

Do you want to work hard to get the marriage of your dreams or do you want to take the easy way out? It is up to you and how much work you are willing to do on yourself and your own weak (due to man issues) personality.

I should add such email was unsolicited. Such person THOUGHT you were lying to this board and brought it to my attention, perhaps, because I've confronted liars before (and taken quit a hit for it, as you may be aware...liars like to turn the tables instead of addressing their own nefarious behavior [for example...despite claims it is a fabrication that I ever posted a link to a poster's xw's State Supreme Court case]). I didn't see a lie in your posts at the other forum other than a strong hint that maybe "no contact" for you started two weeks after you said it did on MB. I didn't see any purpose in disrupting your process (to question you) whether you lied or not. It's all irrelevant now anyway (see below).



Congrats. 4 months. That is all that matters to me. Without "no contact" nothing else is even remotely possible for you, your husband and your family.

Mr. Wondering

Read this again, Harmony. seekingbalance said exactly what I was thinking after I read that you'd contacted OM. You weren't running to something when you contacted him, you were running from something - your feelings. Your reality.

Come here and express your feelings. It will help you embrace them.

I haven't posted much on your thread because you've been getting some sterling help. Put unhelpful posters on ignore and keep reading. Leaving this site will not be helpful for you.

Harmony,

You said

So how are those boundaries and their protection coming? It seems to me there are a few holes in them. If you want to talk to someone who cares you could talk to your Mom or even your Dad. OR...You could talk to SR. This might have eluded you but SR cares very much about you and your recovery into life. Many of us do, and we are very disappointed in what you have done. I will say that it isn't unheard of, but we always hope that the WS finally "gets it" and sees the OM/OW for what they are, self-pleasing and selfish.

Harmony, you have a decision to make regarding your H and your marriage. You are now seeing that apparently you married your Dad, or is it that you carry some of your father's previous lack of regard for the institution of marriage. I have not heard much about your step-Dad, but it would seem he is a much better male figure for you to consider in your future. As for needing a male in your life, people will say "you do not." I will say yes you do...IF you find the correct male. Just any old anatomically correct human will not do.

Harmony, what are your goals in life? I mean really what are they? And next, how are you proceeding to acheive them? What is your plan? You need one you know, sitting their hoping and wishing is not going to do it other than remind you of an old rock song by Dusty Springfield, OOPS, you are too young to recall that one.

Harmony, sit down and think about your boundaries, think about where the hole really is. Think about where you want to be, and the type of person you want to be. What are your goals? You have a lot of work to do.

Get with it girl.

God Bless,

JL

You have so many wonderful people posting to you - pressing you with thought provoking questions and dialog.

I just have one thing to offer and then I'll leave you with the more experienced posters.

My mother was almost beaten to death this summer by her husband of 2 years. He is in jail awaiting trial. At 59 years old, she has to make a new life for herself and come to terms with decisions and red flags she chose to ignore that led her to where she is in life today. Her thoughts and feelings are extremely scattered and change from day to day - sometimes moment to moment.

When she wants the truth, when she honestly wants help, and when she is ready to do the hard work of addressing what happened and moving on, she calls me, or my sisters, or her one true friend, or her counselor. She calls the people that will tell her what she NEEDS to hear. We aren't brutal - we are quite aware of her fragility - but we are very committed to her protection (sometimes even from her own thoughts)

When she wants to be coddled, her justifications validated, her denial supported she calls those "friends" that will tell her what she wants to hear in the moment. She calls the people that will tell her what she WANTS to hear. She considers visiting her abuser - he "loved" her, right?

They are not doing her any favors - they are helping her stay in frozen in time.

Those "friends" will support her right back into an abusive relationship where she could quite literally lose her life.

I hope you get my point. Most posters are here to tell you what you NEED to hear. When it makes you bristle ~ listen anyway.

Good luck......

Awesome post, Pep! It even contained your magic words [for me, anyway]~~~>REALLY BAD...I kid you not, those words still ring in my head today - 5 years later - Those words mean the world to me...Some people might associate them with shame - and YES, I'm STILL ashamed of what I did 5 years ago - I always will be ashamed of those actions - You can't turn bad into good after all -- but you CAN stop doing bad...I associate those words with choosing to stop being "really bad"...So, right back atcha, Pep~~~>

Harmony, I encourage you to read that old thread of mine that Markos linked - take a look at my reactions there - know that back then I read every single post as an attack on me -- and when I go back and read that thread now, I can't find a single attack from anyone but ME!

Stay Harmony, keep posting, keep reading, keep choosing to allow this forum to hold you accountable - You will be glad you did - No one ever regrets doing the right thing...

Lately, I am experiencing an extremely grateful period in my life - I look around me and know that I "deserve" NONE of what I have in my life -- and yet the blessings are there -- I don't think I will ever be able to say enough prayers of thanksgiving -- I tell you this because I do not believe that I would have gotten to this place in my life without this forum...Stick around Harmony, okay?

Mrs. W

Just slow down Harmony, you have a lot of things to think about and listen to all these great people here who care about you and your welfare.

Whats your hurry? The care we are all trying to help you with of yourself has value of eternal, not immediate rationalization and emotional fixes.

There are men you can trust, some of them right here on this board, maybe some in your personal life, and JL is right, you need those figures.

What you need to do is understand yourself first, then state what you want/need out of life, and excercise some patietence while you work towards that goal. Yes, testing and examining your reasons every day for what you want, if its really good for you, and bouncing it off of your friends. BEFORE you do them. especially right now.

If you want a marriage and a good relationship, you will have to work on the disciplines that everyone here does also.

All we can do is thru communication on this site is attempt to open your mind to the door of personal freedom so you can make good decisions for yourself. To help you think more healthy by helping you think.

You need help, we all do at sometime in our life, there is no shame. You must trust someone..

Who are you gonna trust?

Biblical quote here..

"The wounds of a friend are faithful, but the kisses of an enemy are decietful"

What are the key words here? "Friend" and "Enemy". So.. not to be too condesending, But can the kisses of a friend be decietful? Would the wounds of an enemy be faithful?..No..


Are we your friends? or Enemys? I think you know the answer to that.

I have no interest in leaving you hanging again just because you screwed up again, I think that has happened enough to you allready in life, but I want you to feel better faster and more than I am interested in you liking me or thinking I am a nice guy. I am not that pathetic.

If you can understand that please respond and in your own words explain what I mean.

Then we maybe can get back to being friends who are helping each other on this forum. Thats what we are doing here right?

Good night and pleasent dreams young lady.

Harmony,
This kind of situation is very difficult, we never really want to hear the truth, because the truth makes us have to be accountable for our actions.....You are no different than any of us........
Don't go or be hurt by the truth.....this is how we heal, when it's tough the tough have got to get going.....everyone here is just trying to help kick start you again, and show the path that you chose just for a moment Harmony is a harmful one for you....
Friends do that for each other......they just don't let you hurt yourself if there is anything they can do to help you........
Okay now brush yourself off, get the sawdust off from the 2x4's and move on again.......
Back to the bigger plan for Harmony, a happy, secure future......protecting yourself from history repeating itself.........
Time to get out there, enjoy your life and keep an open mind to what life can offer you........It's a big old world out there with a lot of great people out there, people that truly will care about "YOU".....This is the path you need to get to.....not the past and everything that has hurt you, why go back when there is so much to see in the future.........
It's not scary, It's exciting........
(((hugs))))

Hi All

Just want to let you know that I really need this place and really appreciate ALL the support I get here.

I am having a real difficult time right now, and just spending a lot time going through all the posts and spending some time thinking them through. I am really overwhelmed at how much support I have.

There is no point saying responding or saying whats on my mind as to be honest its just a jumbled mess right now.

All I know is I really need this place and time alone to get my head straight, this process has bought a lot of things up for me and this is not as simple as I had hoped.

Harmony.

It's OK, sometimes, to just read and think.
Let us know you are OK.

Right on Pep, as usual.

Remember Harmony, we are thinking of you, so you are not alone. Take your time and don't forget to breathe.

Harmony, I can say with about 90% certainty that I would have broken NC on that hot August day if I hadn't sent up my SOS.

Yes, it was about the trigger and the feelings I was fighting feeling.

But it was also that I got complacent. I thought I had it beat. It scared the living daylights out of me how quickly my resolve weakened. One second I was fine, the next I'm writing an email.

I don't think I have it beat any more. I'll never believe that again. Yes, it will fade, but constant vigilance is the price I will pay for the freedom from my A, a price I am paying cheerfully.

Hi All

I am back for more punishment I have learnt so much from this site I am not going to go anywhere, my head felt like it was about to explode the last 48 hours.

Thank you so much for all your posts, here are some responses.

Seeking - The reason for contacting the OM, was more cause I wanted to hear from someone who I felt would care and listen. I know he doesn't care, he is selfish and only cares about his needs, he had no respect for my M. I just don't want to face the reality of that. I can though, and I am starting too. I have a problem I think for seeing people for what they are, and tend to only see the good side, not accept the flaws. The main reason I owe it to myself for NC is to have this time alone. I don't want OM, I am running away from the acceptance of a failed M, and for him to go there there its ok, your wonderful his loss blah blah. Ofcourse I am still married and so I will not be dating, even if I was D, I wouldn't want to date, I just want time alone right now. BTW, thank you so much for saying that you would stick with me though this, you don't know what that meant when it was all getting a bit much here.

CP - Yes maybe I am holding onto some kind of fantasy where my H is concerned. The grim reality is not pretty and one that makes it very difficult to accept, but more on that later. You are right, it was only about an ego boost for the OM, I know that it is not because I want him, I suppose I don't want to accept that he did not care about me, he just used me for SF. If all of you are as experienced as you and you are, and which I believe you are then not another nice thing to accept, but I have big pants on now He does not care about me enough to recognise that I was having a low point in my M, and he took advantage of that. I suppose tough love works, dont give up on me, I have gone through so much to get where I am now, and am working hard at this stuff.

PM - I don't want to date, AT ALL. I am married right now, and that means I am commited to that until I get D. I made a HUGE mistake by contacting OM. BTW, watched your H vid on Prodigal Son, very interesting site, I saw it off Mimi's thread I think. I was trying to find an answer to why WS take OW to the same special places you and your H went, then got to your vid somehow. Any answers peeps have on that would be good! I do know better your right, I just am not in the mind of thinking I deserve better, obviously or I wouldnt be giving a second glance to these men. That I am working on. Not sure how to get there yet.

Mr & Mrs W - thanks for your posts guys. I am going to stick around here ofcourse, this place is great (well bittersweet for me at the moment!). I can take the 2 x 4s I wouldn't have been honest and stayed here otherwise. I read your thread Mrs W, and you took some pretty serious 2 x 4 s too!! Congrats to you both, you have come a long way. What breaks my heart though when i read your stories is that your H was willing to stick around and work things through. 3 weeks after my A started with OM, I knew it was WRONG WRONG WRONG, and I went totally off him, so I didn't get the withdrawal but whenever my H did something to reject me (usually OW involved) then I would pick up phone to OM. I need to figure that one out. Problem is, OM is like a booby prize, I wanted my M to work, H doesn't, I seek solace in OM, bad cycle that needs to stop which I am done with. AT LAST, its sefl destructive and I feel worse. I did have 4 months of NC and it wasn't hard at all.

Bubbles - Thanks for your post, hit right on the issue as usual. Yes I have man issues, spent quite a lot of time thinking about that and thats what has made me quite upset the last couple of days. Complete lack of male role model, father who serially cheated and hit my mother and my sisters (I was too young) and use to cry on my shoulder at a young age about losing his family, step dad who left his wife/family to be with my mother and had no interest in us, first boyfriend who cheated on me and caught and STD.. but I do have a great brother who is FANTASTIC he emigrated to Perth. boo! Love him. I also have bonded with my Dad in the last few years. More work needed in this area Believe me I am happy to put the work in, I just want to get on with it. I have good peoeple around me who I can speak to GFs and sisters mom, , but before I had MB I went to them all the time, and I am trying to show my friends and family I am strong and them not to worry about me, and I don;t want to appear selfish that I am talking about my situation all the time.

Wildhorses - yes many wonderful people posting, its great. I really am so lucky to have found this iste, this time last year I was a wreck couldn;t function, sleep had no perspective on things... This place has me so grounded. I like the fact that I can come here and get the truth, yes sometimes it hurts I don't like to accept that the fact that people I think I can trust dont have my best interests at heart. At this rate I will have no one left!! Thanks for telling your story it explains why it is important to hear the truth.

Harmony.

Harmony, My advice to you right now is to confide in those GFs. Let them to be a shoulder for you to cry on. I am sure you have been there for them. Also, when it gets too much for them to take, you can come on here and get some extra support. You don't need to be strong for anyone. You WILL be strong, with some more NC with your WH and OM.

Glad you are doing okay. Okay is better than bad. That's what I said for months. Today, I actually told a customer that I was "Fine" and I realized that I hadn't said that in over a year. That was HUGE. It will be like that for you too. Just listen to these great folks and stay DARK.

Yeah I get you Pepper, totally. I really don't want to even go into it anymore, he is just history, thats all i can say. No more phone calls/emails whatever. I don't even have to think about it, somewhere built into my sub concious is to never go anywhere near someone who is M, so what does that say about him. Its just not a good trait is it...so there is a big flaw a big red flag and lord knows I have ignored them in the past with others but not now. He loves to demonise my H, and so do I at times, maybe it just makes the whole process easier and self protection. Thanks for your post and yes it is REALLY BAD, it feels bloody awful.