Hi Guys

Just popping in to say thanks for all your support last night, could not believe how quick I got responses just when I needed them.

Constant - so much to say on your post, your right it is difficult to go there and make sense of it all. I have avoided your q's. I suppose I don't want my life now to be affected by what happened then, so just want to concentrate on the here and now. However, I think your right, it is something that may have to happen. There is A LOT that went on, which is kind of buried and many memory blocks. I will respond more in full shortly.

I am off to meet up with a GF at a spa hotel just outside London, have one of those pamper weekends planned. Just what the doctor ordered!

Back tomorrow, have a lovely weekend everyone.

BTW - as I was writing this message, my H phoned. I ignored his call, then he sent a text message saying

"Please do not under any circumstances let mark back into our house. Cheers"

Mark is the guy that fitted the inside lock and has done other bits and pieces of fixing things in the house.

What is he annoyed about? It must be the lock...

Harmony.

I don't want to know all the past Harmony, and embararass you, and it we/I probably don't need to. But it would be helpful for a Professional IC to help identify stuff if they did. We can help when it comes to..."My Dad was a womanizer, and Step dad had,(pick one), issues" . At that level, the details are not out there to be embarrassed. But we see there must be issues, and it will be helpful if we knew you had them identified.

On the other hand, I would probably not want to ever tell anybody my real identity because I have talked about embarassing things on this board myself. The total aynonomous nature of this place is insulating and makes it easier to discuss personal matters with people that, as you know, are not professionals, but might be friends. Most post here in friendship and caring, but all of them are here to learn.

1.Proverbs 1:5
A wise man will hear and increase in learning,And a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel,
Proverbs 1:4-6 (in Context)

2.Proverbs 12:15
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes,But a wise man is he who listens to counsel.
Proverbs 12:14-16 (in Context)

3.Proverbs 19:20
Listen to counsel and accept discipline,That you may be wise the rest of your days.
Proverbs 19:19-21 (in Context)

4.Proverbs 24:6
For by wise guidance you will wage war,And in abundance of counselors there is victory.
Proverbs 24:5-7 (in Context)



The last one is about fighting for yourself too. We all have to fight, and the battle is not allways waged in desparation and violence.


Truth is though, we have a presence here also, as you know getting a public cyber thrashing is embarassing and painful, so some things are best left to professional ICs, good ones mind you, and if you had known this, you would have responded to it alleady, see, no crystal ball..

So to protect you and your relationships here on the forum, and to see you do and feel better, some things might be better identified through personal counselling. Of course, the advice from friends is allways helpful done in the spirit, but a professional, who you "click with" BTW, will remain objective. As to marriage issues here, no holds barred, let it all out, here come the 2X4s. We will tell you what we see and how to help yourself.


I wouldn't want you to not come here because it feels like work all the time either. Once we let the cat out of the bag, and expose our soft underbelly to everyone, tell them our personal fears and past or present issues we can become severly self conscious and embarrased. Especially when we have been let down before, and/or mistreated

... As in our feelings ignored, or minimalized, by those whom were supposed to love us..


Use wisdom in what you post here that is personal and embarrassing. But take the advice of a professional in that too.

Thanks for your response too, Have a great weekend.

Harmony, please change your phone numbers. And BTW, why did you read that message?

I know I shouldn't have read that message It is my work phone so I can't change the number but I could block it, its letting go though, I know I should do this for my own recovery.

I don't really know where he was coming from with the text? Was he annoyed because Mark had been in and added an inside lock, or does he think something is going on between us both? He will go MAD if I change the locks so he can't get in at all, I am nervous to do that.

I have got to stop letting H affect me, it knocked me off track a bit this weekend but I still got on with things.

I am going through such a mix of emotions. From missing my H to feeling angry with him. I just wish he could communicate with me, instead of coming to the house when I am in, wanting me to go to him. Not saying anything.

Its his birthday on Tuesday, it feels weird not doing anything with him. DO I get him a card or just stick to Plan B?

Harmony.

He's a guy.
He is communicating something to you ... NON verbally.
Think about it.
What is the non-verbal message he is sending?
Actions speak louder than words. Yanno?


Here is what I suggest.
This is a free message board opinion ... and worth every penny. Take it or leave it.
Write him a birthday card. A full-on love letter.
And hold onto it.
When Plan B ends, give it to him. (if appropriate at that time)

Hi Pepper

I would like to think that he is missing me, and still has feelings for me. Do you think I made a mistake in ignoring him? Can you shed any light on what he might be communicating?



Thats a great idea. I don't want him to ever think that I didn't want to contact him, just that it was part of the plan.

Thanks for your response!

Harmony, I've been reading backwards, and I've just realised that you are in London too.

Hasn't it been a lousy day here?

Hi back at ya !

That is one possibility.
"Feelings" can mean good/bad/loving/hating/pretty/ugly ... the whole spectrum.
But, for CERTAIN, he is communicating he has unfinished business with you.



No. Silly. You are in Plan B, are you not?



Not really.
Not specifically.
Other than he is not in a state of indifference ... which is good.
He is in conflict with the separation, which is good.
(So are you, by the way )

And back to you ....

What are your personal core values you are determined to preserve and protect in the future ???
Name 2 or 3.

Hiya Sugarcane

I actually live down on the Southcoast, near Portsmouth but it has been really lousy here too!

I am up in London quite a bit, I went to Uni there and have a few friends up there and work there aswell.

Are you in central London?

Read this *link* to MB Basic Concept:


The 3 States of Mind In Marriage

Be sure you read all 4 parts.

I think he has been in a state of conflict for a long time now! Not sure what I can do to bring it to an end. NOthing?



LOL!! That made me chuckle.



Core values determined to protect....

1. Respect
2. Integrity
3. Honesty
4. Compassion

Can family be a core value?

No; in a quiet little suburb near the M25. It's easy to get to Pompey from here. We go on holiday from there quite often!

The coasts must be wild this weekend.

Play up Pompey! Give me a wave when your next down here.

I am about 5 mins walk from the beach, I didn't get down there today but sometimes they close the road if it gets really windy!!

How lovely. Have you discovered the joys of running on the beach? I do this on holiday. I would probably run every day if I lived near a beach, as opposed to dragging myself round the park twice a week now.

[quote=Harmony2010..
Can family be a core value? [/quote] Made me think, No. Is is valueable? of course, but if you, your core values and respect don't come first, they will be ignored anyways, KWIM?

So she is talking about you Harmony, not other people.

I believe, correct me if im wrng Pep..

I think, integrity means I do what I know is the right thing. Even under difficult circumstances.

When I read where someone writes: "But, it's too hard." First of all, I read a whiney voice. I also read a person who is about to let their integrity slip away.


The dictionary defines integrity this way:

The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness; the state of being whole and undivided


What does integrity mean to you?
It means not doing "bad" things, right?
Does it also mean doing brave things?
Does it also mean demonstrating your strengths to yourself?
Your strengths of conviction? (Not breaking Plan B out of weakness)
Are you aware that living with integrity can make you unpopular with some of your friends and family?
Are you aware that living with integrity does not mean you will get what you want?

Think about this.
It's easy to write "integrity" as a goal... but what does it mean to actually live with integrity?

All things have consequences. Including integrity.

But, what are the consequences of living without integrity?
Hmmmmmmm

Read all of that link I previously posted on this thread.
The 4th part is where your answer lies.
But, you need to read the link to understand marriage better, not just your husband, but marriage.

Hi Pepper

Intergrity to me means, say what you do, do what you say! I think to live with intergrity shows that you are genuine and won't make any false promises.

For example, I will support you through this difficult time, and then actually DO IT.

Are you saying that intergrity is not a good core value or just getting me to think more about what it means?

Also, was it me who said about its too hard?

Yes it also means being brave and demonstrating those principles to myself.

I will be honest, the boundaries thing is really cool, I think about them a lot. It is interesting when I go out and am being sociable as you can quite easily pick up on those who have boundaries and those who are boundary free.

My brother for example, naturally is good with having boundaries. I guess some people just are.

Yes Sugarcane it is lovely! The best is in the Summer when I have been upto London for work on the train and back, come home put on my running shoes and run along the beach. I did the Great South run a couple of times, that was good fun.

Also, after been in an office all week a run along the beach sat morning is great. The sea air and excercise has really helped me through this process!