I'm trying not to overreact, trying hard to stay calm.

Snooping on H's computer today. Found something that seems like it would be put out on a dating site. Basically he is staying married, doesn't want to leave the family, but wants a great, fun, physical partner. I don't know where this is posted at, or if it's even really posted, but it's on his computer.

I'm completely heartbroken. I thought we were doing better. I thought things were going well. I don't know what to do. He's away right now... Now I'm scared he's lied about that. I just want to call and seriously hurt him! He's cleared his internet history. But, this was also a doc from about 3 months ago....

I'm crying on the phone with my best friend cause I don't know what to do. I want to scream, yell, something. I don't think I can go through this again. I just can't. I don't know what to do.....

I feel like a fool. I feel like a lost fool, who's been gaslighted... been told what she needs to hear. I'm so terrified. So scared.

Okay, settle down for a sec, cd. What, exactly, did you find? An email, a blog, what? Is it a Word doc? Can you tell when it was originally written? This could be from pre-Dday.


For now, whatever you do, DO NOT CALL HIM. He may blow it off as something from the 'old' days, and you've just tipped your hand that you are snooping. SAY NOTHING. Talk here and with your girlfriends.

You don't have a keylogger on the computer? Get one TODAY. You can download it at www.spectorpro.com. Get the eblaster. I'm telling you, it's the greatest invention known to betrayed spouse-dom.

Are you checking his cell phone records for suspicious calls?

We need more info.

CD,

You can take a significant piece or paragraph from this document or text you've found, and copy them to google search. If you put quotation marks around the phrase then it will find the exact match. Then you'll see whether he has used it or not. Also, you could check from document properties when it's created and modified, it may give you a timeline.

yes you do need more info, I'm hesitant to give only because FOW found out about my postings here before.....

Found a word doc, dated Aug. This is definitely NOT pre-DDay. 3 months after what I thought was reconcile.

I am the BS, H had A with OW for 3 months, mostly online. Checked phone, nothing suspicious. Don't have keylogger.

How long do I snoop before I tip my hat one way or another? I don't know how long I can play at this again. Did PLan A for 3 months, (2 months my own plan, 1 month MB plan A), 1 month plan B. Let him back WAY too easy it seems. (and yes, I've been 2x4'd for this already.) I have access to all the email accounts I know of, his phone, etc. He has seemed really repentant, but it could be gaslighting now. I've been more and more worried lately, just a gut feeling but I hate to say it was right.

I'm calmer now. I just need back here.

no results on google.... was created a few months ago and doesn't look like it was modified since.

I just pray I'm overreacting and this was something he just wrote to get off of his chest but never sent anywhere......

And I'm terrified of otherwise.

Then you need this keylogger, half-knowing and living in suspicions will not ease your gut feeling, knowing will. If possible, get the keylogger asap.

Ask yourself - why would he need to write this kind of text? Or why don't you know that this kind of text has been in his computer all the time since August, and he hasn't deleted it or said anything about it...

I'm seeing a Trust your gut and snoop. Please, I can't beg you enough - please go online right now and download a keylogger to the computer.

Is there a less expensive but good keylogger by chance?

Rereading Pep's carrot and stick. Gonna regroup and plan A my [censored] off again.... rereading SAA too.....

Any other threads that I can use right now? I'm calm, momentary craziness as we all know when something like this is found... but now I"m calm. And I'm ready to fight again. Did it once, can do it again.

Also, just to add in, I hadn't really seen any 's recently, actually have been feeling pretty ok with our R for a bit. But I know BS's go through ordeals of emotions and that may have been a LB...

Also thinking this was written after him seeing FOW, accidental sighting.... pretty sure of NC, gonna double check all that out too, now, though he's been opening up to me more about their chats together and I thought that was a good sign....

I'm gonna keep on here as much as possible. I'm listening, I'm relearning. Thank you to all for help thus far, and to those who have helped in the past.

Honey, this will be the best $100 investment you will ever buy.

He saw OW? Did he start talking to you about their chats after that, or before? Did you start talking about their chats at your request, or is he bringing this up himself?

maybe during the last month or so he's started to really open up more about chats, telling me things, etc. I'd asked him some early on in R, but I personally didn't want too much. He's been bringing things up on his own to me.

yeah, I know he saw OW that one day, and he actually made an effort to avoid her then. I was there, and she saw me and gave me the nastiest glare ever.

I always hate it when you guys are right..... ;-)

I don't like that he's bringing his affair actions up to you without your encouragement. That can be a form of triggering for him, that reliving of his A. The next time he starts to talk about it, tell him (no LBs, though) that you appreciate his willingness to share details about the A, but you'd rather not hear any more of his them. That it's not productive for you. (Unless you DO want to hear them, that's another story.)

(((CD)))

Oh CD, I am so sorry.

Maybe you could do what MB suggests. Also, have you had all of your questions about his A answered? If so, then you two need to move on.

Was this sighting done at the even they both attend?

What has your WH(not ready to give him an F yet) done for your recovery? Does he have any EPs in place? How can he be some where and you don't KNOW where he is? That should be a minimum.

Could you get a GPS? I know it is about the money. Remember, what is a D going to cost you? You need to do everything you can.

You have time to decide if you would want to recover IF there is renewed contact. You SHOULD snoop, Plan A and then, when you find out for sure either way, you will do what comes next. Either you will do a full on Plan A and then Plan B, or you will amp up the recovery.

I was very worried about you since you feel off the radar. I was worried that your WH wasn't really on board with MB and instead you were recovering HIS way, and that would be VERY dangerous.

So, in short, you have to snoop and get your intel. Then you can put your plan in place. We are always here for you girly. But you already knew that.

MB - they are kind of at my encouragement. He'll start it with something along the lines of, you probably don't want to hear this, and I'll give him the ok and he'll tell me.

Scotty - I've been around, lurking mostly and have a thread on the recovery forum. Guess I should've stayed here....

I haven't had all my questions about the A answered because of me. My anxiety gets in the way of really digging deep into it. I know .... It's hard because I don't want to know, but I do. I guess enough time has gone by now that maybe I'm hitting my own personal bump or something. Not sure. I really didn't want to talk about it early on in the R, I didn't want to talk about her at all. Now, several months after the fact, it's a bit easier.

I do know where he is. We check in with each other constantly, and we live in a smaller town and he doesn't go out much. Only problem is that he travels for work. I know all the people he works with and all but a few I would say are definitely not the kind who would help him go astray. But, even so, he even told me the other day in a different conversation, probably a discussion about my trust issues actually, that he wishes there was some way to track him on his phone so I know where he is.

As for recovery, we spend a lot of time together, especially Tuesdays, when I don't work. We even have a date day coming soon! We have gone to several events and left DS with a sitter. I know all passwords, have access to all bank/cc accounts. I do an occasional sweep of his phone; he leaves it out instead of taking it with him like he used to. I'd say those are good starts.

I may at minimum install some kind of gps to his phone. When he travels, its usually by air or rental, so a car gps wouldn't be so good. Money is EXTREMELY tight right now, that's why I'm having trouble with the keylogger $$ thought. Plan B crushed all of my savings and I maxed out my cc's.

I am going to start on a Plan A. I've been slacking I think. Going to reread my books, making sure I understand the material. I also have IC, which is good to talk things out.

H will never be on board with MB... some of you know why. I'm hoping and praying that this was just written out and never sent anywhere, like he considered it and decided to sit on it a few days and forgot about it. Ok, yes, that is the most hopeful situation I could want. I am not forgetting about what are the other possibilities. If I find out that this is actually going on, I'm in Plan B/D/FU. I already told him I will not do this again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, well, shame on me!

I looked back at messages from that same time period, and the way he spoke really resembled back when the A first started. This time there was a lot going on with family and other reasons that I can't really get into for the sake of protecting my thread, and so I can see where he may have wanted to throw in the towel. Does that excuse it, NO. The messages now are much different then then. They are loving. They are meaningful. Now, I also could be getting gaslighted, but that is what they seem like to me. I'm just not going to take them at face value anymore.

I'm going to snoop. I really really want to confront him, but I'm going to hold off. I need more intel one way or another. I need to make sure what is actually happening, whether it is just something he wrote, or something that is actually happening.

And I know you guys are here, that's why this was one of my first stops! I wouldn't have survived rounds 1 and 2 without you all!!!!!!!!!

Dear cd78,

I am in the same situation as you are. Have been gaslighted for over 3 years. Caught him once and thought we were on recovery. Caught him again a month ago.

You'll have to get proof and confront him. Expose him.

He has issues with his values. I've confronted my WH, still suspicious that he is gaslighting, but he has admitted he has problems and is going for counselling for his personality disorder. My WH is a serial cheater and it will take a lot for him to change.

Unless they are confronted, admit to their problems and make an effort to change, this kind of behaviour will most likely continue for life. It is an immature behaviour, totally selfish, with no empathy.

Be prepared for a long battle. But I believe there is hope. I'm in exact position as you are and I'm giving it all my best too save my marriage. You are not alone. Hang in there.

Thank you Angel. I know my H is a serial cheater, he was back when he was younger, but then I'm almost 100% sure he remained faithful until just this year. That is when I think the resentment for DS probably came into play..... but that's another story. Anyways, thank you Angel for your empathy and kind words.

So, I'm sitting here, pretty late at night, and I realize.

I'm back to where I started ever so many months ago.

I know, this is probably not a surprise for anyone. But its a huge realization for me. Commence 2x4's...

Even if that letter never got sent anywhere, it's still a HUGE betrayal. More than I really realized.

I love my H with all my heart. But, what he wrote was wrong. What his thoughts on, basically having a f#$% buddy, if you will, is unacceptable. Maybe it was a passing, fleeting thought.

But it was there.

Do I think H and I were starting to get on the right track? Honestly, yes. I think a lot has changed in that time since that document was written. But, knowing that even at one point he felt that way breaks me down again. My trust in him, the trust I was starting to build slowly but surely, is shattered. Time for some personal recovery, some Plan A, some spying. I'm back, folks, back in the place where I get the utmost support , in the club where no one wants to be.

No, this is NOT at your encouragement. You're just not DIScouraging him. The next time he wants to rehash any detail of his A, gently but firmly stop him and let him know that hearing about it at that moment makes you uncomfortable. Tell him you'll let him know when you have a question about the A.

My concern is that he is fleshing out his past fantasy by speaking about it aloud. Worse - he could be getting some kind of satisfaction by telling his wife about his whore, KWIM?

CD, for me it is a big huge red flag that he asked you about the phone tracking. It could be that he was trying to see if you had already done that.

Get snooping girl. Then you can figure out what you need to do next.

This COULD be a bump in the road of recovery, and it could be something serious.

Sorry you need to be back.